Weight Loss and Spouse/SO issues
Replies
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I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.
I do not make excuses.
I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.
There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.
Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.
I agree with this, but the OP didn't say his wife was buying junk food that she likes, for her consumption; he said she bought his favorite doughnuts and his favorite sugary cereals. There is a difference between not expecting others to give up foods they like and having others bring home junk food geared specifically to you.
For example, I don't expect my boyfriend to not buy his chips or soda or whatever snacks that he likes. But that is totally different than if he came home with sweets and candy that I like, for me to eat. I am under no obligation to eat either, but the intent of the latter needs to be addressed if he knows I am doing my best not to eat those and would prefer to buy them myself when I decide they fit into my calories for that day.
That conversation has already taken place in our relationship, and we are both good with it. Whether that kind of conversation or expectation has been discussed between the OP and his wife, I don't know. It should be, if it hasn't already.
I don't understand "having the conversation"...even if my husband walks in with my favorites (which btw are fruit loops which I buy myself) I am just gonna hug him, kiss him, say thanks lover put it on the table and eat it when I want to...
Basically what I see is adults are expecting their SO to police themselves and their partner to ensure they stay on course...
It's awful when you look at your partner and say "don't do that" like they are a child...not gonna happen in this house...I will take the responsibility of what goes in my mouth on myself thanks..even if it is in the house doens't mean I have to eat it.0 -
You have to have willpower to say no even if your SO doesn't. My bf eats like a monster, he eats all the things I wish I could eat and a lot of it. But YOU have to be the one to say no regardless of what treats are put before you.
Also, you can have that sugary cereal or that donut, just have moderation. Just because it's there does not mean you are entitled to eat all of it at once. She's attempting to make you happy in a way she knew how to in the past, just guide her in the right direction by stating you no longer want these treats and offer a substitute so she doesn't feel like she effed up by trying to please you.0 -
This is the conversation I might have in your place:
Hey, I wanted to talk to you about some of the food you are bringing home. First, thank you for doing the shopping, I really appreciate that. I think you know I have been working hard to lose weight and when you bring home X,Y,Z, it makes it more challenging for me. What would really help me is if you avoid a few of these things that are really hard for me to say no to. Is that something you think you could do for me? I know you love me and this would really help support me right now.
Also, I know we kind of started this whole get in shape together and I was excited, you being involved made it even better, something we could work on together. It seems like you are having a hard time getting motivated right now and believe me, you know I've been there, may be there again at some point and I really get it. I love you for you at any size and I don't want you to feel pressure to do something that your heart isn't in right now. But I do want you to know that when you are ready, I'm here for you and if there is anything I can do to support you or make it easier for you whether it's go for a walk together after work or pack a good lunch for you, I am happy to do it.
WINNER WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER.
Look an honest, carrying, up front conversation that expresses your emotions, makes specific requests (instead of expecting her to read minds), shows her you care and supports her.0 -
I don't understand "having the conversation"...even if my husband walks in with my favorites (which btw are fruit loops which I buy myself) I am just gonna hug him, kiss him, say thanks lover put it on the table and eat it when I want to...
Basically what I see is adults are expecting their SO to police themselves and their partner to ensure they stay on course...
It's awful when you look at your partner and say "don't do that" like they are a child...not gonna happen in this house...I will take the responsibility of what goes in my mouth on myself thanks..even if it is in the house doens't mean I have to eat it.
When my boyfriend asked how he could help me with my weight loss efforts, that was my only suggestion: not buying me soda or the candy bar that I like, so it's not in the house unless I planned for it in my calories. Simple as that, no policing expected or required.0 -
I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.
Hope this helps.
Da *kitten*?
No No No. In My Opinion, You talk to you wife about those problems. They are between you and her. Nothing gets solved by talking about your marriage problems to someone else, UNLESS its a trained/licensed counselor.
I haven't gone through this issue with my SO, but then again, he doesn't have a weight loss goal, but a weight gain goal.
I'm guess that he was joking....0 -
Just let her know that you are sick of those treats as you have them at your mistresses place all the time. I don't know how many calories in a doughnut suppository but sure it's less than when eaten.
You should know best how to tackle your wife.
My GF did this with wine a while ago, even when I said not to, so I just let it pile up and gave it all away. She got the message that wasting a couple of £hundred wasn't a good idea as it meant no new shoes for a bit. The slight drawback is she now equates my periods of not drinking as open season on shoes.0 -
I am the only one in my home, family of 6, watching what I eat.
I do not make excuses.
I do not expect everyone else to give up things they like.
There are cakes, cookies, carbs, koolaid... etc.
Moderation is key. Willpower is huge.I agree with this, but the OP didn't say his wife was buying junk food that she likes, for her consumption; he said she bought his favorite doughnuts and his favorite sugary cereals. There is a difference between not expecting others to give up foods they like and having others bring home junk food geared specifically to you.
For example, I don't expect my boyfriend to not buy his chips or soda or whatever snacks that he likes. But that is totally different than if he came home with sweets and candy that I like, for me to eat. I am under no obligation to eat either, but the intent of the latter needs to be addressed if he knows I am doing my best not to eat those and would prefer to buy them myself when I decide they fit into my calories for that day.
That conversation has already taken place in our relationship, and we are both good with it. Whether that kind of conversation or expectation has been discussed between the OP and his wife, I don't know. It should be, if it hasn't already.I don't understand "having the conversation"...even if my husband walks in with my favorites (which btw are fruit loops which I buy myself) I am just gonna hug him, kiss him, say thanks lover put it on the table and eat it when I want to...
Basically what I see is adults are expecting their SO to police themselves and their partner to ensure they stay on course...
It's awful when you look at your partner and say "don't do that" like they are a child...not gonna happen in this house...I will take the responsibility of what goes in my mouth on myself thanks..even if it is in the house doens't mean I have to eat it.
When my boyfriend asked how he could help me with my weight loss efforts, that was my only suggestion: not buying me soda or the candy bar that I like, so it's not in the house unless I planned for it in my calories. Simple as that, no policing expected or required.
The thing is, your boyfriend ASKED, and you told him. That doesn't appear to be the case with the OP's. His wife isn't asking, "how can I help you?" That's a totally different conversation than what people are suggesting in this thread. If his wife ASKS then of course he should tell her. But as Stef says I don't really see the point in him initiating the conversation, unless the point is to make her feel like a 2-inch piece of crap under his foot.0 -
I found another woman to talk to about the problems I'm having with my wife.
Hope this helps.
@Chief_Rocka are you even for real???
Definitely is a joke, just like his profile picture0 -
Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.
I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????0 -
Simple. You're wookinpanub in all the wrong places!!
{{spits water all over iPad screen}}. LOL x10. :drinker:0 -
I don't understand "having the conversation"...even if my husband walks in with my favorites (which btw are fruit loops which I buy myself) I am just gonna hug him, kiss him, say thanks lover put it on the table and eat it when I want to...
Basically what I see is adults are expecting their SO to police themselves and their partner to ensure they stay on course...
It's awful when you look at your partner and say "don't do that" like they are a child...not gonna happen in this house...I will take the responsibility of what goes in my mouth on myself thanks..even if it is in the house doens't mean I have to eat it.
Love this!0 -
Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.
I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????
What does she say when you invite her to work out with you? I find that more often than not, even though he isn't trying to lose weight, my husband will exercise with me because it's something to do together. If you haven't yet, invite her to the gym/for walks/to throw around the football, etc... Whatever it might be, find an activity you both like and do that together. Cooking at home together can also be good. Buy a recipe book or find some recipes online, and go shopping and cook together. It can be fun and bring you together instead of driving you apart.0 -
Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.
I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????
If that's how you're going to go about thinking on this, than maybe. You should really try to make your own relationship work with this. Communication is key in any relationship, so you're going to have to explain to her why you want to do this. She doesn't have to join in if she really doesn't want to and don't make her feel bad for it. Just make sure to take care of yourself for the time being and be ready to support her when she decides that she wants to lose weight.
If you want to, try looking for a new guy friend who shares the same goals as you and wants to lose weight. Don't automatically start looking for another woman who shares your interests. Couples have their own unique interests and she doesn't have to share all of yours for you two to love each other and have a happy married life.0 -
Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.
I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????
First, the whole idea that your wife may be out to sabotage your weightloss efforts is the most uncharitable interpretation of her behavior you could come up with.
Why not think of what could be the most charitable interpretation of her behavior? Maybe she assumes you're stronger than you actually are. Maybe she thinks this doesn't affect you. I don't know her, or her motives, but I do think it's very unloving to assign the absolute worst motives you can imagine onto your SO, or make the absolute worst motives you can imagine be a top contender for what is probably the case.
A lot of stupid has been posted by several men in this thread. Advice to keep your options open and to have an emotional affair with another woman, and so on. If you want to be a nightmare of a man, by all means, take their advice.
Now you post this that I quoted above, which reads like you're seeking approval for, or normalizing, your drifting heart. Did your wife not love you when you were a huge ball of problems who ate boxes of donuts as snacks? Or what? How are you justifying your thought process in what I quoted above?0 -
What does she say when you invite her to work out with you?
We occasionally will go together on Saturdays but I usually go very early in the morning b4 work and she likes her sleep. She is a very social person so our weekends are tied up with get togethers usually with alcohol and bad food.0 -
Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.
I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????
You seem wise enough to know most of this but I wanted to encourage you not to give up on your wife and maybe just take a different approach. It can be difficult to have different interests but most people love each other for reasons that aren't fitness or looks related. You can still coexist at different fitness levels.
I agree you should talk to her (not talking will likely result in resentment) but use caution and try not to make it about how she needs to change. She probably feels like she has failed and is reacting badly out of shame. Tell her what support you would like from her for your goals such as buying certain foods for you at the grocery store. You can ask her not to buy the "bad" foods you like by being humorous and saying something like "please don't buy me donuts! I will eat the whole box and have to work out for 3 hours to burn it off!"
Sure when it comes down to it, it's your journey but being married means you want to share your lives. When it comes to her journey to fitness she may not be ready but you can gently remind her you are there to help her. You could offer to cook dinner and make it a bit healthier or take her out somewhere that offers healthier options. You can say, "I'm going for a walk I'd love your company". Don't give up but give her the time to decide she's ready.0 -
I'm a wife and mom who hates it when my family wastes food which = wasting $, that said THROW THAT CRAP IN THE TRASH, not just the trash but the Dumpster OUTSIDE, maybe she'll understand that, I would hate to see money essentially thrown away and would quit buying it straight away! I know for many using "Will Power" is easier said than done but most people won't eat out of the dumpster(hopefully the ants will find it quickly!) Another trick is to dump salt or soap all over the stuff before you throw it away, just as a little added insurance. Just do it before your brain starts rationalizing keeping it in the house!
Good Luck If you've already talked to her about it and it hasn't changed then talking again most likely will result in more of the same, show her you're serious about this, buy getting rid of it yourself EACH AND EVERY TIME IT FINDS ITS WAY INTO THE HOUSE. Maybe then she'll be ready to talk about it again. Really though, Good Luck with your weight loss!
edited for typos! lol0 -
Thanks for the great advice everyone. A common theme was talking. My wife has issues with her weight and it is difficult to talk about without her getting seriously angry or crying.
I wonder if our interests and eventually attraction to each other will change. That is, I like to do active things and only eat out occasionally and she does not. Will I end up being drawn to another who shares my new interests and is fit??????
So don't talk her about her weight. Talk to her about the food she's buying and how it'd help you if she could skip certain things. Talk to her about her health, about spending active time together, etc.
Sounds like to me you are already there and/or trying to justify it to yourself. She's your wife. You aren't really "allowed" to be drawn to someone else. Do you love her? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her? Has this changed? Are you attracted to her? You need to fix this now. Do you guys go out on dates, have fun, flirt, have sex? None of these things are dependent on fitness. What interests did you used to share?
Seriously. Talk to her before it's too late. I'm sure she'd rather you talk to her now even if it makes her cry BEFORE you are drawn to someone else.0 -
I'm a wife and mom who hates it hen my family wastes food which = wsting $, that said THROW THAT CRAP IN THE TRASH, not just the trash but the Dumpster OUTSIDE, maybe she'll understand that, I would hate to see money essentially thrown away and would quit buying it straight away! I know for many using "Will Power" is easier said than done but most people won't eat out of the dumpster(hopefully the ants will find it quickly!) Another trick is to dump salt or soap all over the stuff before you throw it away, just as a little added insurance. Just do it before your brain starts rationing keeping it in the house!
Good Luck If you've already talked to her about it and it hasn't changed then talking again most likely will result in more of the same, show her you're serious about this, buy getting rid of it yourself EACH AND EVERY TIME IT FINDS ITS WAY INTO THE HOUSE. Maybe then she'll be ready to talk about it again. Really though, GGood Luck with your weight loss!
wow talk about starting a fight!!! That's the second worst advice I've seen on this thread (first being "talk to another woman" :laugh:)0 -
Send all the cupcakes and donuts to my address for proper disposal. Problem solved!!!0
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