Need help with hubbie and kids, please

mactaffy84
mactaffy84 Posts: 398 Member
in Getting Started
Hi,

I'm not sure it this is the right board, and sorry if it isn't, but it need some advice. My husband is about 100 pounds overweight. Both my sons, ages 15 and 13 are at least 50"pounds overweight. My oldest has IBS and the start of non-alcoholic fatty liver disease (which was found during his testing for the IBS) and it wouldn't surprise me if his brother is in the same boat.

My hubbie doesn't seem to care about his weight, despite having high blood pressure. I know that I can't make him change. I try to set an example for all of them- you know, eating healthy, exercising every day, etc. But it doesn't work. The kids seem to see my hubbie over eating and not doing exercise and that is the path they are following. I've tried to talk with the hubbie and he agrees the boys need to be more active and lose some weight, but he continually buys the chips and Oreos and ice cream. And before anyone gets all. Heated that I'm singling out this food, I don't think a couple of Oreos is going to kill them, but a whole pack doesn't last a day....

I don't want to be the nag of the family, but we are already dealing with medical issues in a 15 year old because of weight. I've read a lot of opinions not to "make" your kids go on a diet because it will scar them. So, does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to get them to see that they have to change their habits for their health? That should be my role as a parent, but I'm failing miserably!

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Replies

  • Chief_Rocka
    Chief_Rocka Posts: 4,710 Member
    Whatever you do, don't confront your husband directly. Drop little hints like looking at his dinner plant and sighing, or constantly reminding him of how big he his compared to his wedding picture. Also, withhold sex.
  • Beckboo0912
    Beckboo0912 Posts: 447 Member
    Make a healthy dinner, a healthy breakfast...move your cabinets/pantry around so the good stuff is in front. Keep water in the front in a pitcher amd the soda or whatever kinda outta site.
  • IGbnat24
    IGbnat24 Posts: 520 Member
    Volunteer to start doing (all) the grocery shopping and meal prep. Keep the garbage out of the house and no one can eat garbage. Tell hubby if he wants junk, he can go buy and eat it alone and not to bring it around the kids.

    Eating healthy doesn't have to taste bad or be boring.
  • 0somuchbetter0
    0somuchbetter0 Posts: 1,335 Member
    Wow, you're in a tough spot. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to eat healthy, lose weight, and keep up with exercise when you're surrounded by three people who do just the opposite. So first of all, congratulations to you for taking charge of yourself!

    Of course you can't force your husband and kids to change their lifestyle, but with health problems already an issue, something has to be done. I think that trying to impose those changes would fail -- they would just resent you and rebel. I think it has to come from them. The kids are still kids, but your husband absolutely has to change his lifestyle, if not for himself and his own health, for his wife and his children.

    I'm sure there will be lots of heated opinions about this, but I would suggest going to a family counselor -- all four of you -- and talking about the path you're all headed down if your family's lifestyle doesn't change. With high blood pressure and assuming he's about your age, your husband is a heart attack waiting to happen. Does he want to leave his kids without a dad and you without a husband? A 15 year old with fatty liver disease...that absolutely has to change or else he's looking at a short and unhappy life. Your husband and kids have to hear the truth and accept it and realize what needs to be done. If it's coming from a neutral outside party (a counselor), maybe they'll accept it better.

    I wish you all the best.
  • sloth3toes
    sloth3toes Posts: 2,212 Member
    Sorry, I don't have anything constructive to add, but this interests me. So, bump.....
  • 0somuchbetter0
    0somuchbetter0 Posts: 1,335 Member
    Whatever you do, don't confront your husband directly. Drop little hints like looking at his dinner plant and sighing, or constantly reminding him of how big he his compared to his wedding picture. Also, withhold sex.

    No.
  • 0somuchbetter0
    0somuchbetter0 Posts: 1,335 Member
    Volunteer to start doing (all) the grocery shopping and meal prep. Keep the garbage out of the house and no one can eat garbage. Tell hubby if he wants junk, he can go buy and eat it alone and not to bring it around the kids.

    Eating healthy doesn't have to taste bad or be boring.

    Yes, maybe they don't even know that healthy food tastes good. Maybe they've never tried.
  • mommyrunning
    mommyrunning Posts: 495 Member
    Whatever you do, don't confront your husband directly. Drop little hints like looking at his dinner plant and sighing, or constantly reminding him of how big he his compared to his wedding picture. Also, withhold sex.

    What was the point of posting this? It is not helpful.
  • TheBadToe
    TheBadToe Posts: 246 Member
    I am in a similar boat. My wife refuses to exercise or eat right, she also refuses to eat what I cook. She complains all of the time about her weight... I even wake up early (I work midnights) so that I can go to the gym when she is sitting at home doing nothing. I have no idea what to do about any of this.
  • mommyrunning
    mommyrunning Posts: 495 Member
    What is a typical dinner like? You are more likely to have success if you make small changes over time and offer alternatives. Use their favorite food and find healthier versions or alternatives. If you can get your husband on board maybe you can have a family meeting about getting healthier. Try not to make the kids feel bad just say something like "we haven't done as well as we can teaching you to take care of yourselves. So, we are going to make a few changes including..." That way you can try to eliminate shame on their part.
  • kimothy38
    kimothy38 Posts: 840 Member
    How frustrating for you. Like me, you want the best for your family yet your efforts are being undermined. I'm fortunate that I do all the grocery shopping (gees I'm so lucky) but at least my husband doesn't buy junk food so unless I buy it there is none in the house. My kids are fussy eaters and it was a shock when I realised they eat 0 or 1 serving of fruit and veges a day - all their food is processed crap. Hubby cooks most nights because he's home first and the food is usually fatty sausages, or drowned in oil etc, veges don't even feature (I don't count potatoes as veges). No matter what I say he just doesn't seem to care that we are not doing the best we can if they aren't eating nutritional food. Drives me nuts.

    Sounds like there is a deep seated issue that your husband is not ready to address. Can you try to discuss this with him and take the 'I'm concerned about you' approach?
  • NCDJ2013
    NCDJ2013 Posts: 43 Member
    Whatever you do, don't confront your husband directly. Drop little hints like looking at his dinner plant and sighing, or constantly reminding him of how big he his compared to his wedding picture. Also, withhold sex.

    Really? If you cant take this seriously and try to be helpful then keep your thoughts to yourself.
  • mactaffy84
    mactaffy84 Posts: 398 Member
    Thanks. Funny thing is, the meals we cook I think are healthy (for the most part), and some of it is probably portion control. So maybe I'll make less so they can't come back for seconds. Problem is, I use leftovers for my lunches!

    I'm scared to death about off of their health, so keep the suggestions coming? I really appreciate the support.
  • Debbjones
    Debbjones Posts: 278 Member
    Thanks. Funny thing is, the meals we cook I think are healthy (for the most part), and some of it is probably portion control. So maybe I'll make less so they can't come back for seconds. Problem is, I use leftovers for my lunches!

    I'm scared to death about off of their health, so keep the suggestions coming? I really appreciate the support.

    Suggestion... Try freezing your leftovers! Immediately after eating make lunch size portions and throw them in the freezer. Next day just thaw them out before warming up... works for me when I cook holiday meals for family.

    Best of luck to you, this can be a difficult time.
  • CaraRahl
    CaraRahl Posts: 72 Member
    just a suggestion, but if you try cooking smaller batches to help with portion control, try to dish up your leftovers first and get them packed away in a container in the fridge before people dish up for supper. I do this with my fiance to help with portion sizes and I have a guaranteed lunch for the next day.
  • AliceDark
    AliceDark Posts: 3,886 Member
    At 13 and 15, your sons should be old enough to start taking an active role in managing their health. Try talking to them about ways to manage their intake of "junk" foods, and ask for their ideas. They may find it helpful not to have it around, or that may make them more likely to binge or sneak food. At their ages, just keeping it out of the house isn't going to cut off their access to it -- they need to be partners in your strategy.
  • saraM926
    saraM926 Posts: 8 Member
    I'm sorry if this is a bad suggestion, but I think after trying to talk to your husband about the situation, and he is still buying the junk food. Get angry! He is doing this to your kids, even if he doesn't mean to. Don't suggest you'll buy the groceries, tell him you will, and then tell him he is not to buy any more junk food. If he wants to eat those kinds of food, tell him he needs to figure a way not to bring it into the house.

    Things need to change!

    Perhaps you can find something healthy the boys like and make that their go-to snack. Try for a family walk in the park every night or as often as possible. Get rid of the sodas, if possible. Do some research for healthy dinners that they can still be eaten in big portions.

    I do think a lot has to do with your husband. If the kids are learning their eating habits from him, then it seems appropriate that he will need to change his ways. I'm sure he doesn't want his kids to have a terrible life. Convince him that the future will be medically challenging for the boys on the road they are on now.

    Sometimes being subtle just isn't going to cut it. Tell your husband upfront things are not working, and something has got to change.

    But this is just my opinion and I'm not married, nor have kids, so I can only imagine what I'd do. I hope everything works out for you in the end! :)
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    Get your sons involved in meal planning and start showing them how to cook and present the food.
  • itsbasschick
    itsbasschick Posts: 1,584 Member
    i know this is going to seem out there, but perhaps you and your husband need to go to a counselor or make an appointment for both of you to meet with the doctor so you can express your concern for his and your sons' well being in a neutral place. tell him you're scared to death for him, afraid that he is going to die, and that what's happening with your son's liver is very frightening. because if your husband is happy with his weight and his eating, he's not going to change without a real wakeup call, and his example is going to reinforce your sons' eating habits, as well.

    i'm so sorry you are dealing with this - it sounds very hard :-(
  • dinosaurparty
    dinosaurparty Posts: 185 Member
    If your husband doesn't seem to be willing to discuss his own weight issues, could you come at it from the angle of 'I'm worried about [our children], and I feel that we all need to make some changes and lead by example for their sake'? That seems to be the most important issue anyway, and it might allow him to make some changes without feeling bad about himself (assuming that's why he's reluctant to admit his eating habits aren't healthy). I don't know if your husband was a big kid while he was in school, but reminding him about how tough it can be to be a fat kid in highschool might also help. I know that I missed out on so much as a kid, just because of my weight and how shallow children can be.

    Also, if you're worried that portion control is a big issue with your family, you might want to consider buying smaller plates and bowls, and tall, thin glasses. This can trick people into thinking that they're eating more than they are. I also agree with the poster who suggested that maybe you should take over buying groceries if you're able to. Also, remember that green stuff should ideally take up half the plate when you dish out food. Combine that with diet sodas (or water or whatever. Just so that they aren't drinking calories), and you'll probably notice a difference in everyone's weight and health.

    Would it be possible for you to drag your family out on weekends to hike or go on bike rides?
  • Spreyton22K
    Spreyton22K Posts: 323 Member
    Whatever you do, don't confront your husband directly. Drop little hints like looking at his dinner plant and sighing, or constantly reminding him of how big he his compared to his wedding picture. Also, withhold sex.

    Are you serious????? :huh:

    OP - My 2 cents worth would be to focus on engaging your kids in helping their own health directly by choosing, buying and preparing meals that aren't going to cause more problems with your Son's IBS and fatty liver condition. If you suspect that your other Son suffers with a similar condition then it may make life alot simpler to work from that premise.

    Perhaps your husband would be willing to go and have his health checked too.....Maybe an authoritative voice of a Doctor speaking about the dangers of over ingesting processed food and carrying extra weight will prompt him to reassess his attitude and help you present a united front to the kids. Perhaps enquiring about seeking the help of a dietician to help plan 'friendly' meal options etc could be useful.

    I'm sorry that this is happening for you, what a worrying time when someone so young is suffering with ill-health and all it's impacts, they have so many years ahead of them and probably feels pretty tired, ill and run-down. At least now you know the lay of the land and the only way is up.....Try and stay positive as there is SO much you can do to actually help reverse/mange these conditions and issues with both diet and exercise.

    Good Luck
    :flowerforyou:
  • mactaffy84
    mactaffy84 Posts: 398 Member
    Thanks to everyone. Especially about immediately freezing leftovers- would you believe that never even occurred to me?! I think my older boy is a bit interested in what he has to do for his health, at least, I'm trying to encourage that. Thank you all so much.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    Divorce, take the kids. Show him you mean business!
  • becky10rp
    becky10rp Posts: 573 Member
    Could you plan your meals and have your sons help?

    Get them involved so they get to choose some meal items - this will give them a sense of control over the situation.

    As far as exercise goes - i'm thinking you could start a chart and you and your kids co uhh left chart your daily exercise/activities- set up a rewards system and when you hit x days you get a non-food reward (go to the movies, something like that).
  • poohbah4
    poohbah4 Posts: 127
    Wow, you're in a tough spot. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to eat healthy, lose weight, and keep up with exercise when you're surrounded by three people who do just the opposite. So first of all, congratulations to you for taking charge of yourself!

    Of course you can't force your husband and kids to change their lifestyle, but with health problems already an issue, something has to be done. I think that trying to impose those changes would fail -- they would just resent you and rebel. I think it has to come from them. The kids are still kids, but your husband absolutely has to change his lifestyle, if not for himself and his own health, for his wife and his children.

    I'm sure there will be lots of heated opinions about this, but I would suggest going to a family counselor -- all four of you -- and talking about the path you're all headed down if your family's lifestyle doesn't change. With high blood pressure and assuming he's about your age, your husband is a heart attack waiting to happen. Does he want to leave his kids without a dad and you without a husband? A 15 year old with fatty liver disease...that absolutely has to change or else he's looking at a short and unhappy life. Your husband and kids have to hear the truth and accept it and realize what needs to be done. If it's coming from a neutral outside party (a counselor), maybe they'll accept it better.

    I wish you all the best.

    Wow! Best reply I've seen. I add my wishes for the best.
  • Veropal
    Veropal Posts: 9 Member
    I would recommend family counseling too. He is abusing his health and your children too! Honestly, he is an adult, but he is affecting the children. Why wouldn't he want them to be healthy? I absolutely do not agree with any punishing tactics such as withholding sex or not talking to him about this. Voice your concerns loudly, do what you can with cooking and shopping. Take the kids to the doctor. Have the doc lay out the terms of obesity and health issues. Take yourself and the kids to a counselor.
  • ShinyFuture
    ShinyFuture Posts: 314 Member
    What do the kids say? Surely they aren't happy being overweight -- I can't imagine a kid, especially a teen, who wants to be fat. Maybe they need someone other than you helping them. Have you considered taking the kids to a nutritionist?

    That worked for me with my kid --- as a teen he wasn't terribly interested in anything mom had to say (we're all idiots, don't ya know), but the exact same information coming from his nutrition classes was accepted. And the positive nature of it, versus the 'do you want to die' approach was a good thing. Fast forward two years and my 17 yr old eats so much better now, both in quantity and quality, is way more active in general, plus has started lifting. He's even trying out recipes he gets at the classes - actually making meals himself. He's lost 40 lbs and feels so much better about himself it makes me cry. Maybe it could work for your kids too.

    Best of luck to you.
  • KareninCanada
    KareninCanada Posts: 962 Member
    Something I read this week that was a light bulb moment for me... I hope it will help you.

    If your child had diabetes, you would get them the insulin they need.
    If your child had asthma, you would get them the inhalers they need.
    If your child had ANY other recognized medical condition, you would not hesitate to call in the doctor and any help you could find. And you would not hesitate to use tough love if needed in order to make sure your child's illness was managed, and you would pursue healing if there was anything out there that offered hope.

    So why, as parents, when faced with the medical issue of obesity, and the impending medical issues of obesity-induced disease, do we worry more about their emotional health than their mortality?

    If our child was sick, we would not withhold from them any necessary intervention, be it medication or counselling or anything else. And we would not do things that we knew would make the problem worse - we would not feed our diabetic child sugar, we would not smoke around our asthmatic.

    Likewise, when we recognize that our child is on a track that will (not may, WILL) lead to lifelong health issues, we must overcome our own fears and hangups and get them the help they need. We need to stop being enablers who set poor examples and who feed our children foods that contribute to their weight problems.

    Tough love sucks... and sometimes the frustration will run high enough to make you cry behind closed doors... but it is worth it. You already know your kids' lives are literally at stake. It may take an outsider to help your husband acknowledge what you already know. Best of luck to all of you.
  • prettyfitchick
    prettyfitchick Posts: 502 Member
    I don't have any kids, but I do have skinny fat husband but can maybe try putting the boys in sports or find a family sport to get together and do like 5k together and just ask dad not to bring the junk food into the house. I can understand if he wants to take the boys out for special activities. Also make small healthy switches like whole wheat breads non sugary drinks non fat milk and over time they could get use to it. Find out what healthy foods they may like and get more of those. I am sure you don't want to be the food police nobody wants to be that. Small changes will add up over time. Teens don't think long term so just explain to them if does become an issue why you want them to be come healthy.
  • Ke11er
    Ke11er Posts: 147 Member
    So sorry to hear your dilemma. A colleague of mine when faced with somewhat similar challenges engaged the assistance of their family pediatrician. The doctor referred her to our local pediatric hospital for a special program designed to help families in situations like yours. It includes counseling (as advised by others already), nutrition education, plus an exercise and fitness program. Your sons aren't tiny tykes who you monitor full time and make most of the decisions on behalf of, they're old enough to be out and about making choices on their own. IMHO you need the help of trusted experts, other voices a teenager can perhaps better hear. It's great to have healthy foods at home and be good role models, but trying to control things yourself (portions, healthy choices etc.) enough to effect change isn't likely to be successful but will likely cause tension and frustration. Tricky with teens (and spouses) but you still have a roll to play and it's definitely not too late to empower them with the health knowledge they'll need for life! They're fortunate to have a mom who cares so much and is eager to help them.

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