getting divorced
RedHeadDevotchka
Posts: 1,394 Member
in Chit-Chat
So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.
Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.
its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?
Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.
Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.
its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?
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Replies
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For me....it was the best thing to do. In fact long overdue,
As for the pity part...maybe you still care to some degree?
In time that will pass....0 -
This makes me sad. What drew you two together in the first place? Were you not who you were then? How long have you been married? Any kids from the relationship?
Not sure what you want to hear, but it sounds like either you shouldn't have married in the first place, or you are just looking for reasons to be single again.
Having personality differences is not a bad thing. My hubby and I are very different socially, but we compliment each other. Over the past 17 years, he has become more social, and I have become a little more of a homebody. Yeah, in the beginning it was a little frustrating that he didn't like to go to social events, or would want to leave way earlier than I did, but we worked thru that.
Marriage is not always easy. You celebrate your differences and see what each person can learn from the other.
So look at the qualities that you liked in him, that made you want to marry him. Are these qualities still there?0 -
It's completely normal to feel concerned for a person that you have been in a relationship with even after it's ended, especially if the split was amicable, and they are a good person. I wouldn't bother with pity though, if you are as different as you say he may be just as relieved as you that the marriage has ended. Also probably best to get new accounts soon before it just gets weird.0
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I'm not getting divorced but I just called off an engagement....I feel all those things....I have the same thoughts...we split for sort of the same reasons but just not enough in common .......its tough but unhappy is no way to live life. its short and we dont get a do-over.....there is a better partner out there for him in my case her...one that enjoys learning boring stuff ....I left my dog for her kids becuase they were soo attached.....so i feel ya on the cats.....its a tough one0
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Thats common to feel that way in a situation like yours. When you separate smoothly without a major dramatic angry incident, there will still be feelings. I am sure you still care a lot for him and you will continue to worry about him even after you both move on emotionally.0
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Yes, I felt very much the same about my ex at times and I have a dear friend who is going through this same thing right now.
I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I would worry about a person who couldn't show compassion and empathy for a person they once loved in the romantic sense. The only way I would see it being an issue would be If it developed into a sense of guilt for you, or you allowed compassion to dictate whether you stay in the relationship. We all make choices and have to live with the consequences, good or bad, and it sounds as if you and your soon to be ex have made certain choices that ended where they did.
You can treat your ex with kindness and empathy, but you can't change his choices or your own.
Good Luck. I know how difficult this is. :flowerforyou:0 -
For me, I didn't love my first husband. I knew I didn't love him when I married him; he was my child's father. I was sad that at 23, I had failed at a big life moment. I was sad that my son would grow up without a father (I had his rights terminated, he was a real winner :ohwell: ). I think you're feelings are valid because they are YOUR feelings. Even though you don't want to stay in the marriage and it's ok with you that it isn't working out, you still care for this person on some level.
I also went through a range of emotions. First, the sadness. Then after that stage was over, the anger came. Angry at him for being the way he was, at myself for marrying him. After that was done, I felt nausea every time I heard his voice. He was an abusive alcoholic. Once that was done, I felt nothing. I think all in all, it took about a year to go through all of those emotions.0 -
This makes me sad. What drew you two together in the first place? Were you not who you were then? How long have you been married? Any kids from the relationship?
Not sure what you want to hear, but it sounds like either you shouldn't have married in the first place, or you are just looking for reasons to be single again.
Having personality differences is not a bad thing. My hubby and I are very different socially, but we compliment each other. Over the past 17 years, he has become more social, and I have become a little more of a homebody. Yeah, in the beginning it was a little frustrating that he didn't like to go to social events, or would want to leave way earlier than I did, but we worked thru that.
Marriage is not always easy. You celebrate your differences and see what each person can learn from the other.
So look at the qualities that you liked in him, that made you want to marry him. Are these qualities still there?
It makes me sad too, but I don't feel like explaining the decline. Yes personalities can compliment one another, that's true. I didn't like what I was having to become, let's put it that way.0 -
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Wow sorry for your loss. This sounds a lot like my fiance and I, though on the flip side of things.
We live together, have a house in her name, a dog, and she's outgoing and personable and I am a loner and nerd into books, movies, shows, cartoons, comics, etc. By all accounts, we fit your description of your personalities.
Our checking accounts aren't connected, though we have a joint house account, which she puts more money into than I can, having a better job, etc. But we both keep our spending in check, have separate savings, take turns on grocery shopping, both pay our share of bills, and split the mortgage 65/35 or so (she pays the bulk as it started as her house and as she makes more). She's always been responsible with money and doesn't spend excessively on clothes, food, coffee, etc beyond what is necessary. I started out spending more than I do know when we first started dating and didn't care about saving because I started out with the attitude spend it while you have it because one day you won't have it, just like my parents. Where as she saves it to have when she needs it, basically the "right" way. But I've grown into an adult, and have corrected these mistakes. Now we're happy and working on building our future.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. It helps put my relationship in perspective. I'm sorry you weren't able to work things out. Sometimes the differences are too difficult to overcome, especially when one party isn't mature or responsible enough to change. Good luck with everything!0 -
I'm not going through a divorce, nor have I ever been married, but I get this way when I go to visit my grandma. I leave an emotional wreck because she has no one else.
So even though it's you and your soon-to-be-ex-husband, and me and my grandmother, it's practically the same thing right?!
You're not alone when it comes to feeling like that. You still care about him, but being with him just isn't possible. You'll probably stay friends with him right?0 -
I can relate a bit, except in my case, there were different reasons than we were just different. I'm a stay at home mom, so everything of ours is linked. I'm sad most about having all this work ahead with the little things.0
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OP you kind of sound like my wife in a way. She left me a year and a half ago pretty much out of nowhere. Blew my mind at first but time heals everything. Still in separated status but need to get the court stuff over with to really get on with my life.
We don't fight or anything anymore, only talk in regards to the kids now which is fine. I tried to get her to come back before but she had zero interest which I am now on the same level with her on that so it's Ok.
Anyway, as soon as she left I made sure we had seperate acounts. We still have some things common though, she's still on my phone plan and she has a car that's still in my name that i pay for. She also said she didn't want the houses but I'm a little bit worried about that until I actually see it in divorce papers. Then again, I really want to sell the house and get a smaller place anyway. Should make some $ on the house.0 -
I found out that it's too bad you can't divorce someone before you marry them, you really get to know them in ways you didn't.
Fortunately, it seems you have no children - that's a level up iin difficulty in separating.0 -
He will go on to find somebody much better suited for him, so no need to pity.
I think you sound a bit patronizing.0 -
I am in a recent situation.
There is no need to feel sorry for him. It's trite and unnecessary. He's responsible for his feelings, and you're responsible for your feelings.
The way he pays his bills is really none of your business, as long as it doesn't impact you.
These are grown adults we're talking about here. Treat them like adults.0 -
So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.
Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.
its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?
OP,
Don't you think if we all had same personality this world would be full of robots. Personally I think the beauty of everyone around me is that they are so different than I am.
Anyways I don't think you should pity your soon to be ex. Acknowledge who he is and move on. My girl friend is outdoor person (we hike together)and had married a very quite person. She divorced him couple of years back and I see her a lot happier now. I absolutely understand where you are coming from.
Good Luck and please don't burn any bridges. It's not worth it.0 -
While this is nowhere near what you're going through, I stayed with one of my ex-boyfriends for longer than I should have because I was afraid to leave him alone. He had so few friends, hardly ever went out, etc. I was afraid he'd just wither away in a depression. I finally bit the bullet, though, and decided that just sticking it out wasn't good for either of us. I was worried, but he was a grown man and responsible for himself.
A year and a half later, out to dinner with my now-fiance, I saw my ex at the bar with a stunning brunette. Ran into him again a few years later at a Comic Convention (I date nerds). My ex was a grown man and when he wasn't happy staying in or being by himself, clearly he was able to get up and get out and have a good time. Though we haven't spoken in years I think it was better for both of us.
When your ex is unhappy with his lifestyle, he'll get up and do something different. Trust him, at least, to know what makes him happiest while you clearly know what makes you happiest.0 -
I haven't been in this situation before but do mind me asking, how long have you been married? What was you initial attraction to someone you were so different from?0
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Your husband must have always been like this, you just don't become a homebody? I mean, I know you tried three times before, but why were you married in the first place.0
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I understand where you're coming from. When my marriage ended, my ex and I didn't hate each other and it was very amicable.
I think when there's a lack of negative emotions/anger/rage it's easy to be bothered by other smaller things.0 -
Don't feel too badly. People DO move on only at different speeds. He'll be fine and as stated above, maybe find someone more suited for his lifestyle. You appear to have moved on already. Good luck.0
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So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.
Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.
its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?
As and ENTJ I can relate to your husband. But at the same time being and E I can 100% relate to you. I am currently in this process as well, actually should be done on the 24th of June. Although emotionally we've been done for 2 years now. I've got 2 kids so it like the cats but on a much more difficult level. I left my house and things but took the kids. I didn’t leave before I knew it was over and that I had tried everything. It took me time to recover. But you will. I honestly felt bad for her, she was the mother of my kids and cannot support herself. However you must understand you gave him the tools to change but he was too comfortable to do so. Maybe now he will do something for himself, or not. Either way its not on you its on him. That being said it is hard to let someone you love fail. But sometimes its the best thing for them for their life to be better as well as yours. Good Luck and if you need anything I can possibly provide ask.0 -
ESFP, INTJ... GTFO! God will smite you!
"I permit no woman to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent." Timothy 2:11 :laugh:
Okay, now that the nonsensical holy roller crap is out of the way.
I am saddened that you and your (ex) husband had to go through a divorce. There's pretty much nothing more stressful, and I hope you both find happiness in the future.0 -
:huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh: :huh:ESFP, INTJ... GTFO! God will smite you!
"I permit no woman to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent." Timothy 2:11 :laugh:
Okay, now that the nonsensical holy roller crap is out of the way.0 -
So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.
Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.
its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?
you're my friend Kara and one of the coolest people on MFP. i can't relate to what it's like to go through a divorce, but i think what you're feeling is natural. just because you're no longer suited as spouses, doesn't mean you don't still care or worry about somebody. i just think feeling this way makes you a decent human being. i'm sorry to hear this news.
also, you don't sound patronizing and how he's doing is your business if you still care for him as a person. this is a recent change in both of your lives... it's not as if it all happened 20 years ago and you're still worrying about whether he's paying his bills.
:flowerforyou:0 -
He will go on to find somebody much better suited for him, so no need to pity.
I think you sound a bit patronizing.
I mean, this. Really.
And, in to say, don't pity us I's. You actually have no idea what being an INTJ means. Or what being an introvert means, in general. I'm a rock solid ISFJ. I only have one point the extrovert scale. You can't get more introverted than me. That being said, I like to go out. I like to be with people. I like to have fun. I'm very social.
Being an introvert really means one thing - we restore ourselves and our energy levels best when we are alone. Extroverts, on the other hand, recharge by being with other people.
If your husband would rather stay at home with a book than go out with you, then I would consider other reasons why.0 -
So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.
OP, you are a saint - you do not realize how vastly you have just improved your soon to be ex's life. Also, the Meyers-Briggs personality test is a heaping load of male bovine excrement.0 -
Only thing is some people change over the years. I pretty much don't even know who my wife is anymore. She is like a stranger almost now it's weird.I found out that it's too bad you can't divorce someone before you marry them, you really get to know them in ways you didn't.
Fortunately, it seems you have no children - that's a level up iin difficulty in separating.0 -
In my situation, it was impossible to not feel some guilt and sadness when I left my husband. I still do sometimes. He struggles. I took care of him more like a mother than his own mother.
But I did the right thing. We both know it. We still get along and "hang out" regularly with our son. But it's hard to not have empathy for him sometimes. It doesn't matter what the real situation is. I mean... technically, he did have an affair, blah blah blah. But really? It doesn't matter. It's about people and feelings and a love lost. It's hard. Time and understanding is the only thing that helps, imo.0
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