people on here really struggling

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Replies

  • Sparkitty
    Sparkitty Posts: 9 Member
    Have a phrase or two at the ready to use whenever he makes a comment, If he says, "Your frame isn't made to hold that much weight," you say, "O, right, babe." Or, "Working in it, babe." and leave it there.
  • eels4peels
    eels4peels Posts: 229 Member
    When I was heavier a lot of people would tell me that I didn't look ideal, or that I couldn't accomplish certain things because of how large I was. I just proved people wrong. It's a goal in my life to prove all nay-sayers incorrect. Too fat to hike a mountain. Watch me. Too fat to wear high heels. I'll wear them better than you. Can't lose weight because you've been fat all your life. Challenge Accepted.
    I guess what I'm getting at is spouse support is definitely something that is needed when you're trying to be a healthier person, but self motivation is the key. Just prove him wrong!
  • k8blujay2
    k8blujay2 Posts: 4,941 Member
    First off a spouse should be supportive no matter what. Second if my husband ever made any negative comments I would put him in his place. With that being said my husband tells me he loves me the way I am and doesn't care if I change. Sometimes I feel that is worse than negative comments bc its not really supporting me losing the weight. If I were in your position I would probably tell him maybe he could start working out with me or help in some way to get me in better shape instead of the negative comments...

    I don't know about that... I wouldn't want my husband to be supportive of me if I started drinking, smoking, or driving wrecklessly...

    Wait .. Wreckless driving is a good thing .. ;)

    Whoops... I meant reckless... :laugh: It's still too early!! Even at 10 am... :wink:
  • Meerataila
    Meerataila Posts: 1,885 Member
    I made a negative comment once to my wife about weight in the 20+ years we have been together. It was when we were first married and I was drunk. I still pay for that comment once in awhile :bigsmile:

    As you should. As you should. There is no statute of limitations on that sort of thing, and you can't just serve your time and be done. Not for something so heinous. May some hypothetical deity or other have mercy on your soul.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    WOW just WOW. Some of you people have serious issues. He wasn't being negative in her weight he was just pointing out a POSSABILITY in why her knee is bothering her. If you can't be truthful with your spouse your relationship has problems.

    Exactly. I love how everyone wants to burn him at the stake for probably being right.
  • k8blujay2
    k8blujay2 Posts: 4,941 Member
    WOW just WOW. Some of you people have serious issues. He wasn't being negative in her weight he was just pointing out a POSSABILITY in why her knee is bothering her. If you can't be truthful with your spouse your relationship has problems.

    Exactly. I love how everyone wants to burn him at the stake for probably being right.

    I agree... the point at when my husband would end up in the doghouse is IF he said something like "Hey there tubby" or something else of the equavelant... but something along the lines of "hey, honey... why don't you get your act together so you don't end up like your mom"... yeah, it would sting... but it's truthful so I would ponder on it and realize that he is correct. In fact, I have told my husband a few times that WE really need to work on this health thing so that I don't end up like my mom and he doesn't end up like his dad.
  • DeguelloTex
    DeguelloTex Posts: 6,652 Member
    First off a spouse should be supportive no matter what. Second if my husband ever made any negative comments I would put him in his place. With that being said my husband tells me he loves me the way I am and doesn't care if I change. Sometimes I feel that is worse than negative comments bc its not really supporting me losing the weight. If I were in your position I would probably tell him maybe he could start working out with me or help in some way to get me in better shape instead of the negative comments...
    Would this apply if you were drinking too much instead of eating too much?
  • Meerataila
    Meerataila Posts: 1,885 Member
    First off a spouse should be supportive no matter what. Second if my husband ever made any negative comments I would put him in his place. With that being said my husband tells me he loves me the way I am and doesn't care if I change. Sometimes I feel that is worse than negative comments bc its not really supporting me losing the weight. If I were in your position I would probably tell him maybe he could start working out with me or help in some way to get me in better shape instead of the negative comments...
    Would this apply if you were drinking too much instead of eating too much?

    You can be supportive and still let someone know you're worried. It's like the difference between saying, 'hey you're a sloppy, annoying bore when you're drunk' or 'hey, I want to live a long life with you, please take better care of your liver'.
  • DeguelloTex
    DeguelloTex Posts: 6,652 Member
    First off a spouse should be supportive no matter what. Second if my husband ever made any negative comments I would put him in his place. With that being said my husband tells me he loves me the way I am and doesn't care if I change. Sometimes I feel that is worse than negative comments bc its not really supporting me losing the weight. If I were in your position I would probably tell him maybe he could start working out with me or help in some way to get me in better shape instead of the negative comments...
    Would this apply if you were drinking too much instead of eating too much?

    You can be supportive and still let someone know you're worried. It's like the difference between saying, 'hey you're a sloppy, annoying bore when you're drunk' or 'hey, I want to live a long life with you, please take better care of your liver'.
    "My husband seems to think that my frame wasnt made to hold up all the extra weight I'm carrying" sure sounds a lot more like the latter than the former. Would you agree?
  • loriq41
    loriq41 Posts: 479 Member
    Unless he is built like Joe Manganiello he needs to keep his mouth shut. End of story!
  • fangedneko
    fangedneko Posts: 133 Member
    Unless he is built like Joe Manganiello he needs to keep his mouth shut. End of story!
    Pretentious tripe. Did you even bother reading the thread?
  • bidimus
    bidimus Posts: 95 Member
    How do you people on here who are really struggling deal with the negative comments from your spouses? Does it make you commit yourself more, or does it make your fall back to your old ways? I'm struggling to achieve my weight loss goal. I've been off and on this site for a couple years.. a total of 30 pounds down but at a 5' frame I have a definite 25 more to go. I had a baby at 38, so the weight isnt coming off as it did when in my 20's. I have had one bad knee since I was a kid and I used to swim alot so it aches here and there. My husband seems to think that my frame wasnt made to hold up all the extra weight I'm carrying. Theres a possibility there but do I really need to here it. Fat people dont need all the extra reminders right? We Know!!

    I agree he doesn't need to be making negative comments. That's not supportive.

    Was the comment about the stress of the weight on your frame regarding the injured knee? If so, then unless you're paraphrasing a lot here, it sounds more like constructive observation. If it's other things he's saying then never mind me.

    Some people, often men but not always, feel the need to fix things. We can't just sit passive by and be supportive without racking our brains for causes and solutions for the problems we hear. It's how we're wired. By saying, perhaps your knee pain is related to the weight on your frame, he's saying, "I empathize with your dilemma. I don't have much to offer for a solution right now but here, take this advice, it is all I can come up with for the moment."

    My wife and I read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" together a long time ago. Good read and very insightful. Beyond the stereotype of men vs women, it illustrated very well how different personalities could be interpreted by each other and how to deal with them. We'd read a chapter and my wife would exclaim, "That's you!" I'd reply, "Totally!"

    Just based on your OP, I'd caution you to really look at whether he's not being supportive, or actually really trying to be supportive.
  • mommyrunning
    mommyrunning Posts: 495 Member
    Your husband may have chosen his words poorly but from your post it doesn't sound like he was trying to be hurtful. It can be really hard when your loved one confirms an insecurity. However, I would prefer a spouse who is honest with me and tells me if they think I am doing something harmful to myself. If he is expressing concern take it as a sign of his love and an opportunity to let him know ways he can help you. If I misunderstood your post and he is trying to be hurtful then that is a different issue.

    During my first pregnancy I gained 40-50 lbs and my husband never said a word. Then as I started to get fit he admitted that he'd noticed I was going overboard with junk food and fast food but didn't know how to tell me. I told him that although it would be hard to hear I wanted him to tell me. Now we openly communicate with each other when we feel the other is doing things that are unhealthy.

    Do you want someone who sugar coats or enables you or someone who loves you enough to try not want you to lead an unhealthy life?
  • arose928
    arose928 Posts: 31 Member
    thank you for all your input, though I wasnt looking to criminalize by husband, I was trying to search people out to see how they themselves handle spouses comments. Do you find yourself doing better or worse. Thats all. I know my husband wants me thinner end of story. I'm not stupid.
  • GothyFaery
    GothyFaery Posts: 762 Member
    My husband has a bad knee and a bad back. He was talking about having a total knee replacement and back surgery. Both these things terrify me. He kept saying he had tried everything else so he had to resort to drastics. I mentioned maybe if he lost 10-15 pounds we could put off such big surgeries. I don't think that was harsh. I just don't want to see him go through all that pain if there's something else we can do first.

    He's lost over 50 pounds since then and is still going. His knee and back do still act up but not enough to make him consider surgery. Maybe your husband was just trying to help you even though it probably could have been phrased differantly. I don't think he was trying to put you down. It's hard to watch someone you love struggle in pain if there is something that could be done to lessen that pain.
  • ChristineinMA
    ChristineinMA Posts: 312 Member
    I would sit down with your husband and let him know that, while you appreciate the concern, the way he is doing it is having the opposite effect. (It's bringing on a case of the "*kitten* You"s).

    Perhaps you and he can work out ways that he can be supportive - cooking a healthy meal together, walking or other exercise together, not have junk food. If he's serious about wanting you to be healthier, tell him he's gotta be part of the solution!
  • Finkerbell
    Finkerbell Posts: 154 Member
    I agree with, if you are hurt by the way he is wording his comments towards you, sitting down and talking with him. He may not realize it. I'm very sensitive so even stupid stuff can hurt my feelings. And I get teased constantly (like for everything seriously) and just ignore or tone most of it out. My husband doesn't make many comments towards my weight. He knows it is a sensitive subject for me. He thinks I'm nuts for trying to get rid of the last bit I need to reach goal and is always telling me I look good now.
    You need to do what is right for you and it sounds like you are starting on the right path. Try to ignore the comments and do your thing. Prove to him you are trying. Ask him to join you in your workouts.
    good luck :)
  • cavallmd01
    cavallmd01 Posts: 1
    This is how my wife and I handle these sort of issues. It isn't always easy to confront someone but I think before anything else this has helped our relationship the most. My wife and I are both by nature passive aggressive and we have a very difficult time confronting each other with this sort of thing. But when we don't the issue only festers and gets worse.
  • silverteacup
    silverteacup Posts: 46 Member
    What I am going to say will probably not be popular but weight loss is a personal struggle and it can't be based on anything your spouse says or doesn't say.

    My spouse was definitely not supportive..his comment was at the beginning ..."Really? You are going to do this?. He didn't believe me but along the way he began to change his tune because he saw the determination and the fact that he was not supportive was a catalyst for me. It catapulted me forward and sustained my focus when nothing else did.

    So if your spouse makes negative comments....use them! Hurtful comments can generate strong emotions and anger is a powerful emotion. Turn your anger and frustration into hard driving determination. I didn't use words to tell him to back off I used actions instead. I paid close attention to my diet never skipped my exercise and slowly my body began to change and he noticed and the comments stopped. Now he fully supports my efforts in a strong positive way.

    It was a difficult thing for him to admit he was wrong. Now he is quite proud of me, even though my journey continues it is now with loving support and kind words.

    Quick note regarding the knees, mine are terrible. Years of too much weight trashed my knees, ankles shoulders everything really. Weightloss helped dramatically. I no longer have ankle and shoulder pain and my knees are so much better I have gone from someone who could not walk without assistance to one who can race walk with only marginal pain. It's pain I can manage and that is everything!

    Weight loss is an act of self love...love yourself enough to hang in there .
  • Calliope610
    Calliope610 Posts: 3,783 Member
    It's a good thing I wasn't "supportive", "accepting" and "loving him as he is" when I told my DH that his 2-pk/day smoking habit was killing him, that his body couldn't withstand it. So glad I was an unsupportive ***** because he has been tobacco free for 2+ years now.
  • helenarriaza
    helenarriaza Posts: 517 Member
    My partner is heavier than me, she has lost about 50 pounds so far? We are supporting each other.

    My ex was like that, making me feel awful and disgusting every time I ate, but hey! That's why she's my ex.

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