Boyfriend refuses to respect that I want to workout alone?

Nouurann
Nouurann Posts: 183 Member
in Motivation and Support
So a couple months into our relationship, he switched gyms and joined mine. Makes sense, he used to go to the YMCA, but mines 24/7 so it's more convenient. Initially our schedules didnt allow us to go to the gym at the same time, but for the past few months he's been always available and asks to join me. I'd say yes, but it started negatively impacting my workouts. Maybe I'm crazy, but seeing him there discourages me. He's always looking over at me, dropping by to say hello between his sets, blah. It just drains my focus and if he does something with me, like running, he always does it better which also makes me feel kinda discouraged. If I'm running 6 mph, he's running 9. I know he's a boy, I know he's more in shape (in the army) but for some reason it still gets to me. And he'd ask me how many miles I did, how many calories I burned, etc. I hate it. I find working out to be a private affair.

So, I started telling him to go to the gym after I'm done. And if he comes earlier I tell him either he leaves, or I leave and come back later. He usually leaves. I told him numerous times that we can't work out together and he doesn't listen. He even asks to join me, when he knows that I hate it when he does. It just puts me in a position of either being a ***** or sacrificing the intensity of my workout. He Still has a membership at the YMCA by the way, and that's much closer to his house. He didn't even regularly work out till he started dating me.

:-( advice?
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Replies

  • wailana82
    wailana82 Posts: 24 Member
    Sounds like you may need to find out why he insists on following up on you during your workout time. Its one thing want to work out with you because he may just enjoy spending that time with you, but if hes purposely interrupting you during your workouts or trying to out run you or showing up when you have asked him not to there might be more to it then just not listening. If that makes sense.

    You could tell him that gym time is YOUR time and that you need to go alone to just concentrate on you and your fitness. If he still insists on going with you remind him not to look over at you or come and talk to you in the middle of a workout because its very distracting.

    But like you said in your title, if he refuses to respect this, there might be more going on. Just sit down with him and talk it through. Hope this helps :)
  • psmd
    psmd Posts: 764 Member
    Hmm that's kind of weird. Are you guys competitive in other parts of your relationship?

    I guess I would say it might be inconvenient to always work out at different times. So I would stick a pair of headphones in my ears and tell him that you are not gonna talk to him until you're done with your workout. Eventually he will get it and stop hovering.
  • MrGonzo05
    MrGonzo05 Posts: 1,120 Member
    Harden up.
  • Nouurann
    Nouurann Posts: 183 Member
    Hmm that's kind of weird. Are you guys competitive in other parts of your relationship?

    I guess I would say it might be inconvenient to always work out at different times. So I would stick a pair of headphones in my ears and tell him that you are not gonna talk to him until you're done with your workout. Eventually he will get it and stop hovering.

    We aren't really competitive in other aspects. I do say things like that to him, and I do wear headphones, but eventually never comes ????
  • suremeansyes
    suremeansyes Posts: 962 Member
    Instead of telling him when he can come to the gym, why don't you just tell him that you work out much better if you aren't disturbed during the workout and are finding the questions about your workouts demotivating. There seems to be a much better solution than you guys having to work out at separate times.
  • Kenazwa
    Kenazwa Posts: 278 Member
    Sigh ......... I can only wish my husband wanted to join me in working out or even for a walk. Nope. I have to accept that it'll never happen.
  • rmb040
    rmb040 Posts: 20 Member
    I'm with ya - I'd kill to have my boyfriend work out with me!
  • Veil5577
    Veil5577 Posts: 868 Member
    You may be giving him the message that you don't want to spend time with him. Then he will find someone who will want to spend time with him.

    Honestly, and this is just my two cents, it's sweet that he wants to be with you. Try just telling him nicely that if he wants to work out when you are at the gym, cool, but to not disturb you until after you are done working out?
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  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    I think I would love to have a BF who wanted to workout with me so....I've got nothing.
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,149 Member
    Instead of telling him when he can come to the gym, why don't you just tell him that you work out much better if you aren't disturbed during the workout and are finding the questions about your workouts demotivating. There seems to be a much better solution than you guys having to work out at separate times.

    Tell him the truth? CRAZY.
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    I do agree, though. Just tell him you're bothered working out with him.
  • ethompso0105
    ethompso0105 Posts: 418 Member
    I'm finding out that I feel very similar when my BF tries to work out with me. We just moved in together and there's a workout facility just a few doors down the hall from our apartment. It's lovely, but I'm quickly finding out that I work out better alone. I love having him there, but I just don't do as well.

    Have you had a discussion with him about WHY it bothers you? And I don't mean while you're at the gym...maybe another, very neutral time. It may be that he doesn't understand why it's not good and he thinks he can help motivate you (that's how my BF is). If you can have a good conversation about it, maybe he'll back down.

    I guess I'll be looking to do the same thing, soon! LOL Best of luck!

    ETA: Make sure when you do discuss with him that he realizes that you still enjoy time spent with him and still want that to continue. It's okay to have boundaries, though. It's like most of us don't want to spend time with our SO when we're going to the bathroom (okay...it's an extreme case, but still). While one of the best things about a relationship is having someone there, it's also okay (and healthy) to have some time to yourself for self-care. :)
  • tedrickp
    tedrickp Posts: 1,229 Member
    I actually totally see where you are coming from. I refuse to work out with people I am seeing too. Negatively effects my focus.

    I'd just simply tell him it effects your focus/performance. If his feelings are hurt just find another way to stroke his ego.
  • rachelrb85
    rachelrb85 Posts: 579 Member
    Just break up.




    Kidding. If he is more in shape than you, can you use that as motivation? If he's running faster or longer next to you, maybe you can strive to do better? If you both lift weights, maybe he can spot you or look at your form? If he is annoying or negatively distracting you, maybe you can talk about it and see if he can work on that? I wish my husband would work out with me, I'd love for him to be more fit and I'd love to motivate him any way that I'm able to.

    Or if you are set on working out alone, so be it. Have a frank conversation with him and tell him to GTFO when you are working out.
  • Shalaurise
    Shalaurise Posts: 707 Member
    Talk to him and be honest about why you find it to be an issue. Nothing more you can do really.

    On a side note I understand the being discouraged because he is "better" at things than you. All I do right now is walk with the hubbs, but as we walk up hill I am dying and he is just casually holding conversation with me. My fitbit is like, your trying to kill yourself with activity and his is like, you slacker, do more! I will never be able to keep up to him and he will always have to slow down for me, but in my case, this is preferable to walking along at night in Oakland....
  • weightliftingdiva
    weightliftingdiva Posts: 522 Member
    Maybe he's trying to be supportive and involved in your life?
    Just talk to him about it. Tell him that it is hard for you to focus when he is there, or frame it as your "you" time. Just make sure you're still spending time with him.
  • rawstrongchick
    rawstrongchick Posts: 66 Member
    He's intruding on your space and if he's not backing off then you have to look at why.

    Have you explained to him what you've explained to us? That you find him a negative distraction in that environment and that working out is private time for you to focus on yourself?

    If you have explained that clearly then he's either not respecting that because he is putting his needs (i.e. to be with you, or better than you etc) above your needs, or he's checking up on you. If he's one of those guys who needs to be with or near you every second, at the expense of what you want, and that doesn't suit you then perhaps he's not the one.
  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,950 Member
    That's not very respectful. I wouldn't be with a person who didn't respect me.
  • LiftAllThePizzas
    LiftAllThePizzas Posts: 17,857 Member
    Refuse to respect that he wants to be your boyfriend.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    At least it's nice he wants to spend time with you :)

    BUT to answer your question, can you start going very early in the morning - perhaps when he's too sleepy to want to join you?

    I definitely get it though, I feel this way when I exercise with my bf too but it doesn't happen too often so I don't mind the company once in a while.
  • thebigcb
    thebigcb Posts: 2,210 Member
    is he scared you will run off
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,023 Member
    This isn't uncommon. Many couples don't work out together due to differences in goals. Some do like to work out together. IMO, tell him. One thing men aren't good at is mind reading. Heck lots of times you could put the best hints in front of us and we still wouldn't get what you really want! So be straight up and tell him. If he's mature enough, he'll abide.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • wibutterflymagic
    wibutterflymagic Posts: 788 Member
    Are you really telling him to go away or only half heartedly? Are you like......'giggle', oh go away. Or are you "LEAVE ME ALONE TILL I'M DONE" OR "NOW WHAT?, I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING HERE...GO DO YOUR THING"

    Or maybe you could find a middle ground of agreeing to take a break at a specific time where you two can chat for a couple minutes but the rest of the time do your own thing.
  • WJZR
    WJZR Posts: 98 Member
    Is he wondering if you are flirting with other guys? Is he that jealous... that he has to watch you....? If he's that " posessive" dump him.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    OP, you have some issues that you may want to work on.
  • fooninie
    fooninie Posts: 291 Member
    I'm a straight shooter. My hubby knows that my gym time is mine and he is welcome to join, but not "be with me" the time we are there. I prefer to go solo also, so I can relate to you on that.

    I vote for honesty here. Tell him the truth about how it makes you feel. Also, make sure you let him know that it's not because you don't want to spend time with him, but that gym time is your alone time. I also agree with the comment that men can't read minds.
  • sc003ro
    sc003ro Posts: 227 Member
    Option one....either smoke screen when you are going......so he does not know when you are there if possible

    Option 2......Or sit down and discuss proper gym etiquette when you are there toether....nice but firm

    I have had both GF who want to go and just chit chat and GF who want to actually work out....its not an hour long date...its a work out..


    I think it is hot to have a female that works out and can make it through one of your work outs
  • KnM0107
    KnM0107 Posts: 355 Member
    I can't believe he actually lets you dictate when he is allowed at the gym. If I were him and I got there early, I would not leave just because you said so. Poor guy.
  • workout_ninja
    workout_ninja Posts: 524 Member
    I work out with my hubby about once a week for a run. he is faster than me but slows down to run with me. Then puts his headphones in and ignores me (i dont listen to music when i run). I never saw the point in that. I guess there is no point to my post either, except I have a husband who wants to run with me but compeltely ignore me during said run. But Im ok with that.

    Tell him the truth maybe? at a neutral time?

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