Boyfriend refuses to respect that I want to workout alone?

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Nouurann
Nouurann Posts: 183 Member
in Motivation and Support
So a couple months into our relationship, he switched gyms and joined mine. Makes sense, he used to go to the YMCA, but mines 24/7 so it's more convenient. Initially our schedules didnt allow us to go to the gym at the same time, but for the past few months he's been always available and asks to join me. I'd say yes, but it started negatively impacting my workouts. Maybe I'm crazy, but seeing him there discourages me. He's always looking over at me, dropping by to say hello between his sets, blah. It just drains my focus and if he does something with me, like running, he always does it better which also makes me feel kinda discouraged. If I'm running 6 mph, he's running 9. I know he's a boy, I know he's more in shape (in the army) but for some reason it still gets to me. And he'd ask me how many miles I did, how many calories I burned, etc. I hate it. I find working out to be a private affair.

So, I started telling him to go to the gym after I'm done. And if he comes earlier I tell him either he leaves, or I leave and come back later. He usually leaves. I told him numerous times that we can't work out together and he doesn't listen. He even asks to join me, when he knows that I hate it when he does. It just puts me in a position of either being a ***** or sacrificing the intensity of my workout. He Still has a membership at the YMCA by the way, and that's much closer to his house. He didn't even regularly work out till he started dating me.

:-( advice?
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Replies

  • wailana82
    wailana82 Posts: 24 Member
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    Sounds like you may need to find out why he insists on following up on you during your workout time. Its one thing want to work out with you because he may just enjoy spending that time with you, but if hes purposely interrupting you during your workouts or trying to out run you or showing up when you have asked him not to there might be more to it then just not listening. If that makes sense.

    You could tell him that gym time is YOUR time and that you need to go alone to just concentrate on you and your fitness. If he still insists on going with you remind him not to look over at you or come and talk to you in the middle of a workout because its very distracting.

    But like you said in your title, if he refuses to respect this, there might be more going on. Just sit down with him and talk it through. Hope this helps :)
  • psmd
    psmd Posts: 764 Member
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    Hmm that's kind of weird. Are you guys competitive in other parts of your relationship?

    I guess I would say it might be inconvenient to always work out at different times. So I would stick a pair of headphones in my ears and tell him that you are not gonna talk to him until you're done with your workout. Eventually he will get it and stop hovering.
  • MrGonzo05
    MrGonzo05 Posts: 1,120 Member
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    Harden up.
  • Nouurann
    Nouurann Posts: 183 Member
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    Hmm that's kind of weird. Are you guys competitive in other parts of your relationship?

    I guess I would say it might be inconvenient to always work out at different times. So I would stick a pair of headphones in my ears and tell him that you are not gonna talk to him until you're done with your workout. Eventually he will get it and stop hovering.

    We aren't really competitive in other aspects. I do say things like that to him, and I do wear headphones, but eventually never comes ????
  • suremeansyes
    suremeansyes Posts: 962 Member
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    Instead of telling him when he can come to the gym, why don't you just tell him that you work out much better if you aren't disturbed during the workout and are finding the questions about your workouts demotivating. There seems to be a much better solution than you guys having to work out at separate times.
  • Kenazwa
    Kenazwa Posts: 278 Member
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    Sigh ......... I can only wish my husband wanted to join me in working out or even for a walk. Nope. I have to accept that it'll never happen.
  • rmb040
    rmb040 Posts: 20 Member
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    I'm with ya - I'd kill to have my boyfriend work out with me!
  • Veil5577
    Veil5577 Posts: 868 Member
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    You may be giving him the message that you don't want to spend time with him. Then he will find someone who will want to spend time with him.

    Honestly, and this is just my two cents, it's sweet that he wants to be with you. Try just telling him nicely that if he wants to work out when you are at the gym, cool, but to not disturb you until after you are done working out?
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
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    I think I would love to have a BF who wanted to workout with me so....I've got nothing.
  • zyxst
    zyxst Posts: 9,134 Member
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    Instead of telling him when he can come to the gym, why don't you just tell him that you work out much better if you aren't disturbed during the workout and are finding the questions about your workouts demotivating. There seems to be a much better solution than you guys having to work out at separate times.

    Tell him the truth? CRAZY.
    tumblr_mtv3hyuiWI1sj3oxho1_500.gif
    I do agree, though. Just tell him you're bothered working out with him.
  • ethompso0105
    ethompso0105 Posts: 418 Member
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    I'm finding out that I feel very similar when my BF tries to work out with me. We just moved in together and there's a workout facility just a few doors down the hall from our apartment. It's lovely, but I'm quickly finding out that I work out better alone. I love having him there, but I just don't do as well.

    Have you had a discussion with him about WHY it bothers you? And I don't mean while you're at the gym...maybe another, very neutral time. It may be that he doesn't understand why it's not good and he thinks he can help motivate you (that's how my BF is). If you can have a good conversation about it, maybe he'll back down.

    I guess I'll be looking to do the same thing, soon! LOL Best of luck!

    ETA: Make sure when you do discuss with him that he realizes that you still enjoy time spent with him and still want that to continue. It's okay to have boundaries, though. It's like most of us don't want to spend time with our SO when we're going to the bathroom (okay...it's an extreme case, but still). While one of the best things about a relationship is having someone there, it's also okay (and healthy) to have some time to yourself for self-care. :)
  • tedrickp
    tedrickp Posts: 1,229 Member
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    I actually totally see where you are coming from. I refuse to work out with people I am seeing too. Negatively effects my focus.

    I'd just simply tell him it effects your focus/performance. If his feelings are hurt just find another way to stroke his ego.
  • rachelrb85
    rachelrb85 Posts: 579 Member
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    Just break up.




    Kidding. If he is more in shape than you, can you use that as motivation? If he's running faster or longer next to you, maybe you can strive to do better? If you both lift weights, maybe he can spot you or look at your form? If he is annoying or negatively distracting you, maybe you can talk about it and see if he can work on that? I wish my husband would work out with me, I'd love for him to be more fit and I'd love to motivate him any way that I'm able to.

    Or if you are set on working out alone, so be it. Have a frank conversation with him and tell him to GTFO when you are working out.
  • Shalaurise
    Shalaurise Posts: 707 Member
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    Talk to him and be honest about why you find it to be an issue. Nothing more you can do really.

    On a side note I understand the being discouraged because he is "better" at things than you. All I do right now is walk with the hubbs, but as we walk up hill I am dying and he is just casually holding conversation with me. My fitbit is like, your trying to kill yourself with activity and his is like, you slacker, do more! I will never be able to keep up to him and he will always have to slow down for me, but in my case, this is preferable to walking along at night in Oakland....
  • weightliftingdiva
    weightliftingdiva Posts: 522 Member
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    Maybe he's trying to be supportive and involved in your life?
    Just talk to him about it. Tell him that it is hard for you to focus when he is there, or frame it as your "you" time. Just make sure you're still spending time with him.
  • rawstrongchick
    rawstrongchick Posts: 66 Member
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    He's intruding on your space and if he's not backing off then you have to look at why.

    Have you explained to him what you've explained to us? That you find him a negative distraction in that environment and that working out is private time for you to focus on yourself?

    If you have explained that clearly then he's either not respecting that because he is putting his needs (i.e. to be with you, or better than you etc) above your needs, or he's checking up on you. If he's one of those guys who needs to be with or near you every second, at the expense of what you want, and that doesn't suit you then perhaps he's not the one.
  • dbmata
    dbmata Posts: 12,951 Member
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    That's not very respectful. I wouldn't be with a person who didn't respect me.
  • LiftAllThePizzas
    LiftAllThePizzas Posts: 17,857 Member
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    Refuse to respect that he wants to be your boyfriend.

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