Boyfriend refuses to respect that I want to workout alone?

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Replies

  • RLMsFitnessPal
    RLMsFitnessPal Posts: 81 Member
    As others have said, the only thing you can do is be honest and straightforward with him. Just explain to him that you want workout time to be alone time because it helps you concentrate on your goals.
  • wheird
    wheird Posts: 7,963 Member
    I can't believe he actually lets you dictate when he is allowed at the gym. If I were him and I got there early, I would not leave just because you said so. Poor guy.

    I'd flat out tell her how ridiculous she is being.
  • tart_of_darkness
    tart_of_darkness Posts: 23
    I don't know if the word choice is hyperbole, but when someone refuses to respect something you want the question of what to do becomes kind of obvious.

    Anyway, the only thing you can do if you want the relationship to continue is either asset yourself or acquiesce. Being assertive isn't being a (whatever asterisked word you typed out) but neither is it fun to get ready for a workout, drive/walk there and then find out your partner is there demanding you leave immediately. If there's no contract, just ask him to end his membership. Or you could agree that he works out at the Y during their hours, giving you time to work out at your gym alone.
  • UK_Gal
    UK_Gal Posts: 25
    My partner and I have a couples membership at our gym. My partner is fit. Very healthy. He runs and lifts. He used to be a trainer - he has retained a really healthy lifestyle.

    I am TOTALLY chubby. Literally - a proper Thigh Slapping Chubs.

    I LOVE going to the gym with him.

    I don't expect to achieve what he achieves. I maintain my expectations and work to them. I talk openly about what I weigh (a lot more than him) and he encourages me to feel great about myself.

    We have COMPLETELY different routines at the gym. Try to make an agreement that you can go to the gym, but not interact. ASK him NOT to stand on a machine next to yours. Let him be there, but tell him you need to have space and focus. We arrive together and then separate for the duration as we both want to focus and stay true to our goals. We sometimes stretch together if we finish at the same time - but mostly, he comes and finds me, says he's going to the sauna and I say, "Cool". We then meet in the lobby at about 8pm (or whatever time). Going together is GREAT. I never ask him what his calories are like and how fast he runs, but I LOVE telling him how I'm doing. He is a massive support and advocate for me. No pressure - just love. He also LOVES that we go together. I was actually super self conscious initially - and then realised - it's pretty cool that he's there. It's silent support. My best friend is with me while I'm sweating and heaving. Wonderful.

    You need to talk to your partner and set boundaries. Tell him if you go together, you want to be independent in that moment. No chatting, no standing next to each other - just two independent people working out. You arrive together, separate, leave together. That would be a good concession from you, because he clearly wants to spend time with you. Set the boundaries and you'll keep your focus.

    If it doesn't work - at least you tried to concede something. If it still distracts you and ruins your workout - then get him to stop coming at the same time... You need to talk to him clearly and openly so he understands. He certainly doesn't right now.

    Good luck!
  • KseRz
    KseRz Posts: 980 Member
    So, I started telling him to go to the gym after I'm done. And if he comes earlier I tell him either he leaves, or I leave and come back later. He usually leaves. I told him numerous times that we can't work out together and he doesn't listen.

    :-( advice?

    This part right here is bad.


    For both of you.
  • CupcakeCrusoe
    CupcakeCrusoe Posts: 1,426 Member
    Seriously, tell him, straight up.

    I've gone running with a few significant others now, and I set the pace. I have my headphones in, and I'm ignoring him, no matter what he's doing. Run time is my time. They all respect that.
  • navyrigger46
    navyrigger46 Posts: 1,301 Member
    I don't know how old ya'll are, but it sounds like you both need to grow up.

    Rigger
  • JoyeII
    JoyeII Posts: 240 Member
    I prefer to work out alone also. Which is why I don't work out at a gym. I work out at home, in my basement. I have all the equipment I need.

    I think you have some control issues. You seem to be pretty bossy with your BF while it seems he wants to encourage you and spend time with you.

    Why not just tell him, "hey, we can go to the gym together but, I need to focus and don't want to be interrupted during my workout so, we'll hook back up after we're both done"?
  • brower47
    brower47 Posts: 16,356 Member
    Significant others can't win. It's either sabotage, disinterest and now too much interest. SMH.
  • runner475
    runner475 Posts: 1,236 Member
    So a couple months into our relationship, he switched gyms and joined mine. Makes sense, he used to go to the YMCA, but mines 24/7 so it's more convenient. Initially our schedules didnt allow us to go to the gym at the same time, but for the past few months he's been always available and asks to join me. I'd say yes, but it started negatively impacting my workouts. Maybe I'm crazy, but seeing him there discourages me. He's always looking over at me, dropping by to say hello between his sets, blah. It just drains my focus and if he does something with me, like running, he always does it better which also makes me feel kinda discouraged. If I'm running 6 mph, he's running 9. I know he's a boy, I know he's more in shape (in the army) but for some reason it still gets to me. And he'd ask me how many miles I did, how many calories I burned, etc. I hate it. I find working out to be a private affair.

    So, I started telling him to go to the gym after I'm done. And if he comes earlier I tell him either he leaves, or I leave and come back later. He usually leaves. I told him numerous times that we can't work out together and he doesn't listen. He even asks to join me, when he knows that I hate it when he does. It just puts me in a position of either being a ***** or sacrificing the intensity of my workout. He Still has a membership at the YMCA by the way, and that's much closer to his house. He didn't even regularly work out till he started dating me.

    :-( advice?

    Reading the bold words from your quote have you ever thought
    1) You may be inspiring and motivating him
    2) His theory maybe couples who work out together have strong bonds.

    Talk to him. Ask him what he thinks about you and him working out together. He has the answer.
  • BigT555
    BigT555 Posts: 2,067 Member
    i had this problem with my ex, i wanted to work out with her but she hated the idea.

    she told me flat out that she didnt want to work out with me because it intimidated her and we moved on. problem solved

    if he doesnt respect that then he doesnt respect you
  • SezxyStef
    SezxyStef Posts: 15,267 Member
    I can't believe he actually lets you dictate when he is allowed at the gym. If I were him and I got there early, I would not leave just because you said so. Poor guy.

    I'd flat out tell her how ridiculous she is being.

    this...

    I mean really...if My man wants to workout with me so be it...I think it's great...more time together...a common interest, something to talk about...

    Sounds like the OP needs to be single to be frank ...if you can't focus on a workout because someone says hi or looks at you...wow you need to really learn FOCUS...(there is an acronym there as well) A cookie to whomever figures it out.

    SMH
  • SomberG
    SomberG Posts: 36
    Just sit him down and tell him what you told the forum?

    :huh:
  • srslybritt
    srslybritt Posts: 1,618 Member
    Rational discussion time. As in, no yelling, no accusations, just tell him exactly what you said above.

    Or just break up.

    giphy.gif
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Significant others can't win. It's either sabotage, disinterest and now too much interest. SMH.
    Yeah. It's almost like people are individuals with different needs and wants from other people.

    OP -- I think this is the best advice:
    i had this problem with my ex, i wanted to work out with her but she hated the idea.

    she told me flat out that she didnt want to work out with me because it intimidated her and we moved on. problem solved

    if he doesnt respect that then he doesnt respect you
  • KarmaKills
    KarmaKills Posts: 99 Member
    I think you're a pretty lucky gal. I'd love to have a BF to work out with.
  • Jerrypeoples
    Jerrypeoples Posts: 1,541 Member
    its amazing anytime someone asks for advice you can count on three answers within the first 3 pages

    youre a noob
    1200 is too low
    you should break up
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    Tell him he can come work out with me.
  • saynay18
    saynay18 Posts: 25 Member
    I would suggest trying to do something new together. Something neither of you have done.... maybe take a new class (cycling or ropes) together, once a week, and keep the rest of your workouts seperate. Seems like a good compromise for you, and you both can share in a new experience.
  • LJCannon
    LJCannon Posts: 3,636 Member
    I see NOTHING Wrong with the Gym being "Your Time" and not wanting to share it with a Boyfriend or Husband -- ESPECIALLY since he has a membership somewhere else.
    :frown: If you have told him that you prefer to work out alone, and he continues to ignore that, I would say that it is an Alarming Symptom of his disrespect for you in all areas of your relationship.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    You sound silly. Grow up.
  • SnuggleSmacks
    SnuggleSmacks Posts: 3,731 Member
    I thought I would love having my beloved at the gym with me, and I do love doing other things like long walks, jogging, hiking, biking, etc. with him...but the one time he came to check out my gym, I did find it distracting. We ended up agreeing that gym time would be my time since he has a home gym that he enjoys.

    If your boyfriend is unable to respect your clearly stated wishes, there has to be a reason for it. Perhaps he's feeling insecure, perhaps he's jealous and wants to make sure no one is oggling or hitting on you at the gym, perhaps he's feeling a bit threatened by you getting stronger and hotter, perhaps he's just really insensitive and doesn't get it. Regardless of the reason, he needs to respect your boundaries. His inability or unwillingness is a major issue, regardless of the details.

    You could approach it by asking him: "I'm trying to figure out if you are unwilling to respect the boundary I asked for regarding the gym, or if you're just not understanding. Which is it? I feel very disrespected when such a simple request is ignored. Is there something going on that we need to talk about?"
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    I see NOTHING Wrong with the Gym being "Your Time" and not wanting to share it with a Boyfriend or Husband -- ESPECIALLY since he has a membership somewhere else.
    :frown: If you have told him that you prefer to work out alone, and he continues to ignore that, I would say that it is an Alarming Symptom of his disrespect for you in all areas of your relationship.

    Wow.

    So her demanding him to leave a public place because she doesn't want him there isn't disrespectful? MMMKAY.
  • Jerrypeoples
    Jerrypeoples Posts: 1,541 Member
    sweet baby jesus


    had a guy made this thread or if the gf said the bf/husband told her shes not allowed at the gym 96.8% of the females on here would say its because he is flirting or cheating on you and to dump him
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    I do not think he is trying to rub it in you face that he is in better shape than you.

    I hope he is trying to push you harder and harder getting your mental toughness higher.

    He is in the Army so he has reason to work out daily. '

    Sit him down and tell him that when he comes to the gym with you that he makes you feel like crap that you cannot perform (exercise) under this is called pressure.

    BTW most guys do that anyways. Why? I do not know. she knows you might be stronger, faster, more in shape so why rub in how much physically you are better than your significant other. I do not know.
  • FitFroglet
    FitFroglet Posts: 219 Member
    I'd suggest discussing it openly with him, on a day you're not heading to the gym. Explain that it's distracting/demotivating.
    OR
    Find a way to make it work for you; ask him to count your reps while you focus on your form, ask him to get the weights ready for your next exercise if he's at a loss, warm up together and arrange a time to meet up to do stretches afterwards.

    He might be coming over for a chat because he's exhausted and needs to catch his breath!

    Like others have said, it sounds like he's trying to be supportive and a part of something that is important to you (which is awesome), either find a way of helping him to help you, or explain to him politely but clearly that it isn't helping.

    Good luck.
  • BigT555
    BigT555 Posts: 2,067 Member
    I see NOTHING Wrong with the Gym being "Your Time" and not wanting to share it with a Boyfriend or Husband -- ESPECIALLY since he has a membership somewhere else.
    :frown: If you have told him that you prefer to work out alone, and he continues to ignore that, I would say that it is an Alarming Symptom of his disrespect for you in all areas of your relationship.

    Wow.

    So her demanding him to leave a public place because she doesn't want him there isn't disrespectful? MMMKAY.
    i missed this part of the post
    OP, change up YOUR gym time if youre uncomfortable. forcing him to change his schedule for you is bullsh*t
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    sweet baby jesus


    had a guy made this thread or if the gf said the bf/husband told her shes not allowed at the gym 96.8% of the females on here would say its because he is flirting or cheating on you and to dump him

    I would have to agree with this. Sad.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    I see NOTHING Wrong with the Gym being "Your Time" and not wanting to share it with a Boyfriend or Husband -- ESPECIALLY since he has a membership somewhere else.
    :frown: If you have told him that you prefer to work out alone, and he continues to ignore that, I would say that it is an Alarming Symptom of his disrespect for you in all areas of your relationship.

    Wow.

    So her demanding him to leave a public place because she doesn't want him there isn't disrespectful? MMMKAY.

    Yep, this!

    She is being as ridiculous as he is being. If my SO told me to leave the gym if he shows up, that's not all I'd be leaving.

    How about having a rational, logical conversation about the reasons why she is uncomfortable with him there as well as why he wants to be there with her. Too hard? Then just break up.
  • iamspdd
    iamspdd Posts: 134 Member
    Hmm. My work out time is mine. I don't feel comfortable working out with anyone else. (be it friend, b/f, daughter). I am easily distracted and loose focus. If I ask someone to give me an hour to work out with out distraction it's so I can get a real workout in.

    My work outs are internal. (a race against myself) If I have to keep losing focus to talk to someone I don't feel I am getting my full work out.

    After my work out I can focus on other things like chatting and stuff. Work out time and socializing time is completely different for me.

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