Asian family make me want to starve myself

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  • buzybev
    buzybev Posts: 199 Member
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    With all the talk about obesity and health issues, they are probably just scared to death that something bad is going to happen to you if you aren't their perception of 'thin'.

    I'd like to think that they were concerned for my health but my aunts are quite overweight and frequently eat bags of crisps and ice cream whilst calling me fat. It takes all my will power not to call them out on their own weight, but they're family and my elders so in Chinese culture I can't say anything about them without looking like the bad guy
    I'm guessing you are young and single right? They want you to be skinny to get a man? Don't disrespect your family no matter how angry you get. Just know and understand that its a different culture and they do believe they are being helpful. It's easy for us to say to tell them off, but you still have to live with your family
    . The only thing you can do it keep remembering that you are not fat and working towards your goals. The culture in my family is the opposite. No matter what I'm too skinny and overdoing it. I'm 15 lbs overweight and they act as if I am anorexic and proactively force food on me. I just keep doing whats best for me and remaining patient with them. They are doing it because they love me. It sucks, but you can't change cultural norms overnight.

    I can relate to this, especially in Kenyan/Kisii culture where having some extra meat on your bones is a sign of good health. I went home after a 6 month absence (and around 25lbs lighter), and my mom was shocked and said that I looked like a bag of bones. Mind you I was around 155... Not excusing what is being said and done, but It definitely sounds like cultural disconnect. It can be tough being a diasporic kid.
  • csk0018
    csk0018 Posts: 219 Member
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    I think it's best to just ignore them and keep doing what you're doing. I know it's hard and their words are hurtful but you have no control over what they are going to say to you -- you do have control over how you will let their words affect you.

    I went through this my whole life and instead of ignoring it -- I let it get to me and ate more to spite the loved ones who called me fat. That's no good. And I've tried talking to my mother about how she made me feel growing up but she just didn't get it.

    It's a cultural thing -- they probably got the same treatment growing up as they are doing to you so they don't think anything is wrong with it. I didn't grow up with hugs, kisses, encouraging words or I love you's -- my parents showed their love by feeding me, clothing me and providing shelter. Old school Asian parents are just like that -- nothing is going to change.

    I'm sorry you are going through this -- just remember, you're not alone.
  • slomo22
    slomo22 Posts: 125 Member
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    Do the American thing and tell them to "Shut thier dam* commi mouths before you open a can of freedom on thier a*s!!" Adding a braveheart freedom scream is always a nice touch too.
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
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    Fight fire with fire and embarrass them in public - Asian culture frowns on that.
  • puddy29
    puddy29 Posts: 77
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    Have you tried telling them how they make you feel. I think that is horrible. Is going home an option?
  • Oi_Sunshine
    Oi_Sunshine Posts: 819 Member
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    "Well, you're ugly and I can diet."
  • klkarlen
    klkarlen Posts: 4,366 Member
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    Here is my southern belle standard reply "Well, bless your heart, thanks for caring". Your relatives won't understand that this is actually an insult.
    I love this! Can I borrow it even though I'm a Brit :)
    OP, families can be odd that way. My heart goes out to you. Remember though, no-one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

    Of course you can. Southern belles have the tone of voice down to an art form, so that folks will know if they are being honest or sarcastic.
  • Zaftique
    Zaftique Posts: 599 Member
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    Here is my southern belle standard reply "Well, bless your heart, thanks for caring". Your relatives won't understand that this is actually an insult.
    Oh man. I haven't heard that choice phrase in ages. I had an aunt who would trot that out at the most fun of times. :P To be fair, I had the Minnestoan "well, that's different" cocked and loaded in my holster. ;)
  • Sabine_Stroehm
    Sabine_Stroehm Posts: 19,263 Member
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    Yeah, I heard that the Asian culture has no problem telling thier kids they are fat, etc. I also understand that that you also respect your elders (unlike us yanks here) and can't tell them to piss off.

    Just hold on and pray for your return date to come asap. Keep doing what you're doing. Regardless of the family, there is no reason to starve.
    My first instinct was to wonder why she added their ethnicity... it seems she did so to suggest it's cultural...if so, then yes, OP, your response should be cultural as well.

    Or, go home.

    But hey, while you're there, ask your aunt how to cooks some yummy healthy foods!
  • rexroars
    rexroars Posts: 131 Member
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    One of my best friends is Korean and whenever she goes to visit her family there, they are pretty awful to her. In her case, as her sister explains it, her family thinks that (and honestly this is partially true due to our awful society/world) weight directly correlates to how successful someone is. They think that if she is thin, wears the right clothing/makeup and other physical things - it will help her find the best husband and career possible. They truly believe that. It's partially just superficial I'm sure, wanting to brag to their friends and family, but partially they are just being straight up and saying "hey if you're thin you won't be discriminated against when looking for jobs."

    Overall I think the way they talk to her is horrible, but that's also from my USA perspective. I know that after growing up here, it makes her feel way more horrible than it does motivate her.

    But I think in a way it's kind of like how my mother would absolutely freak out if I got a tattoo, and probably make passive aggressive comments about it whenever possible. Even though I have a fantastic job for my age making a great salary, and have a successful boyfriend of 3 years, she would literally think all of that would fall apart because of a tattoo. She'd think that no respectable man would want to be with a woman with tattoos, and no respectable company would hire me.

    That's obviously bull**** but at least I know it's not coming from 100% superficial thoughts. She would just be completely wrong.

    Remind yourself that many other children are going through this (and I know this is a huge problem for a lot of my Asian friends especially). And focus on proving to them that you can be successful in your own way! :) I hope that helps! Take this with a grain of salt of course since this is just my southern USA white girl perspective. :)
  • Humbugsftw
    Humbugsftw Posts: 202 Member
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    I come from a South Indian background. I consider the whole elders thing to be horse ****. If someone is wrong, I will call them out on it. I don't really care these days.
  • outdoorslife
    outdoorslife Posts: 28 Member
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    It sounds like you are disconnected with your ethnic background - do you parents assuming you either live with them, or they are close by when you are home do the same? If not perhaps talking to them might help shed some light on the attitude(s) and comments of your aunt and grandma.

    Remember insults should be oblique and sound like praise, its a fine art. And Asian cultures are rather good at that!

    Of course if they do it in public you could approach it with something along the lines of " I am glad you are so concerned for my wellbeing/health/marriable status Aunt/Grandma, I certainly wouldn't want to turn out fat or dumpy."

    In private, you could just look at them and just ask them if you should have a tan and callused hands. As it was explained to me, in old Asian cultures, tanned skinned and callused hands were the marks of field laborers. And of course those same field workers were thin.

    Good luck, and try to minimize your interactions where you can with them while you stay in HK. Great place to visit, have some fun and get away from the family! (Maybe some island hopping)
  • irleshay
    irleshay Posts: 102 Member
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    Don't be silent about it all summer. I'm aware of all the cultural upbringing, being raised with it myself. We're supposed to respect our elders, but respect doesn't mean letting them berate you. Respect is a whole other issue from letting people nag you and put you down every single day ... don't equate the two.

    I say break the mold. You don't have to be a jerk, but it's not wrong to raise your voice and get angry. It's probably way out of your comfort zone times 3. But if you get openly mad, tell them their comments aren't even productive, and maybe even tell them they're fat also, what are they going to do? Get angry and call you disrespectful? Stew for a while? It's not the end of the world, and it lets them know you don't like it and that they can't say it unchallenged anymore. The younger me would be shocked I was saying this, but my relationship with my parents is actually better for changing these dynamics, and there's more equal footing and mutual respect. I only wish I'd done the same when I was in college and those middle-aged Chinese men in church told me I was getting fat... makes me wonder now why they were even looking, never mind their comments not being very Christian. But even trying for change in baby steps is something, because you shouldn't have to listen to it all summer. Good luck!
  • Sabine_Stroehm
    Sabine_Stroehm Posts: 19,263 Member
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    OP: for whatever it's worth, my working class, caucasian American father repeatedly told us we were getting fat, questioned our decision to eat a second biscuit with dinner etc.
    Once, when I was in my 20s, at 5'6" 135LBS he said (as I walked past): "God damn you're getting broad in the beam, you'd better watch those cupcakes!"
  • klkarlen
    klkarlen Posts: 4,366 Member
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    Here is my southern belle standard reply "Well, bless your heart, thanks for caring". Your relatives won't understand that this is actually an insult.
    Oh man. I haven't heard that choice phrase in ages. I had an aunt who would trot that out at the most fun of times. :P To be fair, I had the Minnestoan "well, that's different" cocked and loaded in my holster. ;)

    I worked with a bunch of folks from MN, and it took me a while to catch on to that one.

    I just found this also:

    The Brits have it down to one word (all in the intonation): "Right." and then you change the subject.

    In Scotland (Glasgow especially) they take this one step further with the expression: "Aye right!" - two affirmatives adding up to a great big NO.
  • AllOutof_Bubblegum
    AllOutof_Bubblegum Posts: 3,646 Member
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    "Well, you're ugly and I can diet."

    Oh, snap.

    :laugh: :laugh:
  • wkwebby
    wkwebby Posts: 807 Member
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    Thanks for all the support guys, I'm trying to block it out but I'm not sure how long my self esteem can handle it. I keep coming back to MFP to remind myself that starvation is bad!
    Yeah, I heard that the Asian culture has no problem telling thier kids they are fat, etc.

    Just hold on and pray for your return date to come asap. Keep doing what you're doing. Regardless of the family, there is no reason to starve.

    It really is brutal. I can pinpoint the exact moment 11 year old me started to hate my body. It was when my grandma commented on my chubby arms and said how fat I was getting (I was 100lbs max). It doesn't help that all the girls in Hong Kong seem to have legs the size of my arms. I feel obese next to them. But I'll do my best to keep my confidence up!

    I'm in your situation exactly. I used to be a heck of a lot skinnier and now they say "you used to be so skinny!". UGH! I feel for you. Turn up the music in your iPod or whatever, and just grin and bear it. I just yelled at my mom after putting up with this kind of talk recently and it didn't go well. So no talking back (it will only make the situation worse in their eyes because you'll still be "heavy" and now you're disrespectful as well) and just quietly count down until you return home.

    Just maintain your caloric count (which is hard to do because there typically isn't a calorie count for shumai or any other dimsum and authentic Chinese food isn't available in the databases) as you need to.

    Good luck with the family in HK! Big hugs from a fellow Asian American! :flowerforyou:
  • violetrix
    violetrix Posts: 60 Member
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    It sounds like you are disconnected with your ethnic background - do you parents assuming you either live with them, or they are close by when you are home do the same? If not perhaps talking to them might help shed some light on the attitude(s) and comments of your aunt and grandma.

    Yeah my parents are fairly liberal and non-Asian in that sense. They've never talked about my weight or berated me for eating certain foods. It's my extended family that is the main source. I've dealt with them for pretty much my entire life but I haven't lived with them for such a long period of time so the constant bombardment of comments/insults is a bit too much to handle at the moment. I guess I can use it as a way of testing my self confidence and developing thicker skin
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
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    OP: for whatever it's worth, my working class, caucasian American father repeatedly told us we were getting fat, questioned our decision to eat a second biscuit with dinner etc.
    Once, when I was in my 20s, at 5'6" 135LBS he said (as I walked past): "God damn you're getting broad in the beam, you'd better watch those cupcakes!"

    in high school my dad pinched my side and said- when you are going to drop this baby fat???

    gave me a horrible complex for months and months.
  • 4daluvof_candice
    4daluvof_candice Posts: 483 Member
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    I'm staying with my aunt and grandma in Hong Kong for the summer and have been continuing to workout and eat healthy whilst I'm here. But it's so hard to stay motivated when all they ever do is call me fat. At every opportunity. It doesn't matter when, where or who we're with, they will always refer to me as 'big fat girl' or just call me fat straight up, tell me I have massive thighs or arms or face. They take note of everything I eat and comment that 'eating too much watermelon will make me fat' or 'eating meat is too fatty and that's why I'm fat'.

    I'm 5'2.5" and 135lbs so I still have about 10-15lbs to lose but even when I was 13 and 120lbs they still called me fat! It doesn't help that by Asian standards, anything above a UK size 6 is 'fat'. I don't know how I'm going to survive this summer without trying to starve myself. Any advice?

    Im a hothead :explode: when it comes to, rudeness, belittling, meaness and disrespectfulness to others so.... my advice would not be a good thing. I know one doggone thing I would find my way back home. But thats just me...:flowerforyou:

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