Wedding woes-more etiquette questions

Totally suck it up! My friend got married in the UK last year, and what they decided to do was turn the shower into a family type co-ed cookout. Made it more of an informal get together, no party games, just drinks, food and laughs. Best bridal shower I've ever gone to. They didn't even open gifts in front of people. It was great!

Etiquette-wise, you're not obligated to say yes to every party everyone offers to throw you. It can put a lot of added stress on overlapping guests. It can cause hurt feelings when a mother in law invites all the aunts and kiddies to the bridal shower and you're not planning on inviting any of them to the wedding.

First, you need to get your future husband on board with you and come at this as a team. Since it would be a party thrown for you that you don't want, he needs to respect that you don't want it. He shouldn't ask you to do this just because he wants gifts. Remind him that a lot of the gifts would be for you and only you anyway. For my shower, a lot of people gave me cookbooks, spa vouchers, candles, bath and shower products, and tea stuff. You can also explain to him that people typically budget a total gift cost and then split it up into the different wedding events. If I am going to go to a wedding and give a $100 gift (keeping it even), but then I get invited to 2 bridal showers and a bachelorette party, I will probably end up spending $25 on the bridal shower gift and $75-80 on the wedding gift.

Once he sees the light, you both should talk to his mother about how wonderful she is and how kind to think of you, but that you really don't want to do a bridal shower, you're so overwhelmed, etc. Ultimately, it's up to your husband if his mother is pressing the issue and making you uncomfortable.

Personally, I don't think you're being selfish enough. It's your event...put your foot down and do it the way you want it done.

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Here is how I would solve it.

<name of soon to be mom-in-law> it is tacky for me to host my own bridal shower. I feel that my maid of honor and bridal party have done enough and I don't feel comfortable asking them to host me another party. If you wish to throw us a party I would be happy to accept, but I would expect your son to be there also, so a co-ed party would be the most appropriate.

Main ideas:
1) A bride does not throw her own parties
2) You do not expect your friends who are already spending big $ on dresses and other wedding events to do so
3) If your MIL wants to do so, your future husband is also on the hook because you will likely know no one well.

(Personally, I had a few bridal showers -- one with school friends and one of family-- but each were something that was not planned by me. Neither one was a big deal. One was cake and punch and favorite recipe party, and the other was a pampered chef party so I could get a few gadgets for my kitchen while we all had brunch and chatted. The pampered chef party was super easy because people didn't have to bring a gift with them, I had a number of very inexpensive items on the list and I didn't get any duplicates. )

My cousin ran into this problem as well; because of overly involved parents they've had 3 stag and does, a wedding shower, a bridal shower, and an "open house" for people who were friends/family but wouldn't be invited to the wedding.

I think when it comes down to it, it's your and your husband to be's decision. If you're uncomfortable with a bridal shower, ask to do a wedding shower instead. Then it's co-ed and you can treat it more like a get together. If it would work to skip renting a venue, use your back yard or get a permit to do it at a public park (they're usually pretty cheap), and just do a cook-out or something. If you feel uncomfortable asking people to bring gifts (although we all know some people will), you could always do it like a pot-luck.

Really, it's your wedding, not your mother in laws, so talk to your man and figure out what you two want, and go from there.

I'm solving this problem by NOT having a wedding and just doing a small little City Hall thing with a meal after. The whole big white wedding thing gives me the hebbie jeebies.

Can't you just go out and drink booze?

Trying to schedule a bridal shower and running into issues. Thought what the heck, I'd get some opinions.

First off. I DON'T want a flipping Bridal shower. Enough about this whole event is "about me" I hate a fuss.
My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one.

it is about you, but thats why you shouldnt have one, not why you should. why do something that you dont want to do for your own wedding? doesnt make sense to me. if your fiance wants gifts then maybe he should have a groom shower

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...My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one...

I doubt you're going to make a profit off this wedding. By the time you pay for all of these various events, you could have bought ten times the presents for yourselves. IMO, people blow an egregious amount of money on weddings these days. I don't think it would be wrong for you to NOT want to do a bridal shower, but maybe I'm just another one of those selfish, anti-social types...

Personally, I think the timing of such an event should not revolve around one person, unless that person is you. So if you want to do it sooner, you should. Also, have your bridesmaids plan it, tell them what you don't want it to be like, and they will help take the fuss and stress away!

At least you aren't in Winnipeg where we do bridal showers and a stupid social (we throw fundraisers for ourselves - it seems so wrong to me).

My first thought was, tell them to forget it. Enuf is enuf.

But then .... people around here have begun to have dual showers. It's actually kind of a neat idea, and it gets the guys involved too. They have a part where it's both the bridal shower and a "shower" for the guy too. The guys can BBQ or do whatever they want, but they get to have a get-together as well. AND it can morph into some kind of a couples get together afterward if anybody chooses to. And the guy gets to have his own "shower" as well, which the grooms have absolutely loved.

i've been to one. I have to admit, I was a bit skeptical, but coming away from it, it was a lot of fun. Of course, some of the more traditional people didn't like it and were too ingrained in the idea of little rolled sandwiches and such.

But heh, you only go around once. You figure, you need to pick your battles. This may be the time to just take a big breath and roll with the punches and go with it. But keep it in the back of your mind for when you need to dig your heels in ... that you caved for THIS )

Trying to schedule a bridal shower and running into issues. Thought what the heck, I'd get some opinions.

First off. I DON'T want a flipping Bridal shower. Enough about this whole event is "about me" I hate a fuss.
My fiance wants "presents" so he and his mother think I ought to have one.


The only date his mother would be able to make is 2 weeks after the bachelorette weekend.

So two weeks after spending THAT money and a month before any wedding expenses they have to do this?

I'm tempted to just forget the whole idea.

I do think if people want to buy us a gift, they'll buy us a gift.
I don't want to suck more of peoples time and money than I already had.
And I certainly don't need a hat made of bows and to have a bunch of women sitting around giggling about the "Wedding night" while drinking some watered down champagne punch with ice cream in it............

So do I just tell the fiance and his mom "Sorry, this just won't fly" or do I suck it up and be forced to play pretty princess for an additional day?

I was torn on the whole thing as well. I hate being the center of attention. My mom asked if I wanted a shower after we got married (eloped), before the reception, which was 6 months later. At first I said no, but then I spoke with a friend about it and he said, "You only get to do this once." I realized he was right and went for it, but definitely my way. My sister helped my mom and we had it at a bowling alley with pizza and cupcakes. My sister even found pizza cutter favors. Only my friends and immediate family were there. We had a really good time and it was really cheap. However, if it was my MIL or mom wanting a big and/or formal bridal shower, I probably would have said no.

The thing is his mother may not even be able to make it as she would have to travel

And he FLAT OUT REFUSES to have a co-ed shower. He doesn't want a part of it.
And I don't blame him.

I hate showers of any kind. To me they are cheesey and they are fake and I don't NEED any more celebration.

Well then, there's your answer. Don't do it. :drinker: