I'm becoming unattractive to him

Doing it for someone else leads to failure and disappointment, because at the end of the day, no one really gives a **** if you lose weight or quit drugs or whatever... they are too worried about their own issues. And the last thing you ever, ever want to do is try to lose weight to make some guy happy. That will land you in relationship that will do nothing but run you down.

Exactly!

I don't understand why everyone complain about their SO not being attracted to them....
Sex is part of every healthy relationship. If he is not attracted to you, he is not. There is nothing he can do about it...

What do you prefer? Him telling you about it, or him going elsewhere to get satisfaction ?

Ding, ding, ding.

I was not expecting so many reasonable responses. I am pleased.

Now to await the assault on the guy's character for having a physical preference and being honest.

I'm pleasantly surprised too. Usually these threads go an entirely different way.

Sounds like people are wising up.

Last night I woke up to a dream that stuck in my head. I have a very attractive ex and I have contemplated going back to her. I dreamed that she came to visit me, but she was an African American woman with short hair. She had the same personality, but she was physically different. I was not attracted to her. She came back again to visit and she had makeup on in an attempt to lighten her dark complexion, and I was not attracted to her. She came back and she was herself, but with a different hair color. I was not attracted to her. Her personality was the same though. Finally she came back as her smoking hot self that she always was, but I saw nothing but physical flaws and personality flaws that I had seen in the past, but had overlooked or accepted. I only saw flaws.

Maybe the dream is a lesson for me to not put so much into appearances, or to get to know people more than I have in the past. I have had relationships with African American women in the past, so the fact that she came to visit as an African American woman was not the turn off for me... The turn off for me is that at some point I only saw flaws.

I heard on the Oprah show years ago that when people argue about the toilet paper roll not facing the right direction on the roll that the argument is not really about the toilet paper roll at all. That could be the case here. There might be something going on at a deeper level. There might be something else that is not being addressed.

On the other hand, I stayed with an ex for several years that I was not attracted to at all in hopes that things would get better. I tied up 9 years of each of our lives with that. It didn't work in the end and I had to let her go where she could have a more honest relationship with someone who would be genuinely attracted to her.

♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫If it don't come easy, you gotta let it go♪♫♪♫♪♫

Unfortunately, a lot of people don't feel the same way you do about this topic. I gained quite a bit of weight after I got married; not because of complacency, but because I was eating a lot in an effort to become as strong as possible but the gain was gradual so I guess I just didn't notice it until I finally hit the point of being a flat-out fat *kitten*. When I found that my wife had been cringing at my fatness for a few months I was mad that she never told me it was bothering her! I immediately cut my calories and started doing cardio and now I'm down to an acceptable level of bodyfat (for a SHW powerlifter, anyway).

Dude - love your pic!!! :drinker:

OP - losing weight for him is not going to work. You may end up resentful in the end. Do it because you want to. On the other hand, is he right? Have you gained a lot of weight? Maybe he is concerned for your health? There are always 2 sides to every story. I wish you the best!! :flowerforyou:

Is this the whole post? Did I miss something? I don't really understand the question. :huh:

To bottom-line the OP: "I want to do what I want and not experience any negative consequences for anything I do."

I heard on the Oprah show years ago that when people argue about the toilet paper roll not facing the right direction on the roll that the argument is not really about the toilet paper roll at all.

http://www.cnet.com/news/over-or-under-the-science-of-toilet-paper-orientation/

I've been a divorce lawyer for over 30 years.... relationships are highly over-rated, love is a sham and sex is a band-aid. Losing weight is like quitting drugs... it's only going to work if you want to do it for yourself. Doing it for someone else leads to failure and disappointment, because at the end of the day, no one really gives a **** if you lose weight or quit drugs or whatever... they are too worried about their own issues. And the last thing you ever, ever want to do is try to lose weight to make some guy happy. That will land you in relationship that will do nothing but run you down.

Great response!

I am torn on this.
#1. If you don't mind doing it for him/her.. do it..
#2. Screw him/her this is your body.
#3. His/her feelings likes matter and I have gotten worse
#4. Love me unconditionally


Like I said I am torn. I really value looks as in a sexual level I am grossly turned off by excess weight, cellulite, etc. A relationship is not all love.. there has to be physical attraction there and sexual desire and if you do not look appealing to me those go away. On the other hand changing for someone else is not the reason to get in shape and better yourself, but if that desire happen to coincide with the other then I see no reason not to do it. Lastly if you do not wish to lose, then that is YOUR decision, weigh that with possibly losing mate and if it is worth to you.

Anyone that says they should love you unconditionally is fooling themselves and living in a Disney dream world. Life is compromise, and even with your own body, you give what you feel comfortable giving to make your partner happy and they do the same.

Agree on the changing for someone else, though sometimes getting started for someone else can be the kick in the butt you need to decide to do it for yourself.

Agree that a physical relationship requires, to some degree, physical attraction. And if the physical relationship is the glue holding your overall relationship together, well, it's going to fall apart when the attraction ends.

Disagree that expecting someone to love and stay with you despite not having the physical relationship is living in a dream world. At least, if we're talking a marriage-worthy relationship. Just about any couple that manages to stay together through severe illness or injury or just manages to stay together into old age does it. Hell, ask any couple that's stayed married for a couple of decades. I can almost guarantee they all went through a period were they weren't physical with each other for various reasons.

Also agree with previous posters - prefer that he tell you there's an issue so you can decide what to do about it. Also, so when he doesn't seem that into you, you know why and don't flail around guessing. Just because he tells you there's a problem, it doesn't mean he intends to leave if you don't change. (OK, yeah, in the current culture, and without knowing anything about the guy, it's more likely than not - but it isn't guaranteed).

I remember my husband once told me he wasn't comfortable with fat women, and hoped I never got to be that way. My feelings were hurt, and I was very thin at the time. I've never been attracted to very thin men, but guess what? We both learned something. He's underweight, I'm overweight, and it doesn't matter. Would he like to gain a little? Yes; and Lord knows, I'd be more comfortable if I was thinner; but I love him for his huge heart, and loyalty more than for his good looks. I'm old enough now to realize how quickly looks fade. It's what's on the inside that makes for lasting relationships. Yes, physical attraction is what gets the ball rolling, but it's the loving, gentle soul that keeps the game going. Our 24th anniversary is this month, and in those 24 years, I've gotten to see what he's really made of; which makes me love him even more. Work on improving you for you. If your SO is of good character, he will support you. If not, Mr. Right will be just around the corner.

Congrats on your 24 years!! You don't see many people stick together for this length of time much anymore. Good going!!

My husband wants me to be thinner as well and told me so a couple of times. He is a great husband and father, and I want to give him this as a present, he deserves this. First day in, I was very resentful, but quickly felt better about myself. And I do have my own insecurities about my looks, so I am looking forward to reaching my goal, which is my all-time feel-food weight.
He was right, I was wrong