Shallow--me? seriously?

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  • lisalsd1
    lisalsd1 Posts: 1,521 Member
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    You like what you like. That's not shallow.

    I mean...some men don't like redheads (most of them do), but am I going to get offended by that? No. They probably aren't my type anyway.
  • 347Gigi
    347Gigi Posts: 99 Member
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    Sometimes people can be much more attractive in person than they are in a photo. But if the looks really are a turn off, I don't blame you for not wanting to waste your/ his money and time on a date. I wonder if your friend is the type that goes out with very wealthy but homely men and acts like she is crazy (super duper attracted) about them. I think that is even worse.
  • jasonmh630
    jasonmh630 Posts: 2,850 Member
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    If you're basing your attraction entirely on what he looks like with total disregard to whether or not you're compatible, then yes... That's shallow. Now, I agree you have to have some sort of physical attraction to someone you date. But total attraction is WAY more than what you see on the exterior.
  • fjanet
    fjanet Posts: 19
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    Shallow? I think not..eHarmony basis it on interests (those pesky 29 dimensions of compatibility) ..

    Just because you have things in common doesn't make you like each other - that just means you could be friends..
  • jasonmh630
    jasonmh630 Posts: 2,850 Member
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    I think finding someone attractive at a glance and being attracted to them in person are two different things. I have been very attracted to people I wouldn't have immediately found attractive without knowing them. I think you could miss out if you aren't a bit more open minded about what type of person you'll even go out with once.

    Also, this. ^^^
  • whovian67
    whovian67 Posts: 608 Member
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    Don't know... I was told I am Shallow..Like a Puddle .. because I mentioned someone's bald spot being hereditary.....
  • jasonmh630
    jasonmh630 Posts: 2,850 Member
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    Shallow? I think not..eHarmony basis it on interests (those pesky 29 dimensions of compatibility) ..

    Just because you have things in common doesn't make you like each other - that just means you could be friends..

    So the deciding factor of whether or not someone is just a friend or a date is whether or not you're physically attracted to them? This is false. Attraction is a multi-faceted entity.
  • IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym
    IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym Posts: 5,573 Member
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    on a dating site, I would do the same - sorry, but its pretty much all you have to go on. Now, if I knew the person, I have actually had people grow more attractive more I got to know them. So, you're both right.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Shallow? I think not..eHarmony basis it on interests (those pesky 29 dimensions of compatibility) ..

    Just because you have things in common doesn't make you like each other - that just means you could be friends..

    So the deciding factor of whether or not someone is just a friend or a date is whether or not you're physically attracted to them? This is false. Attraction is a multi-faceted entity.
    The difference between a friend and a significant other is whether you want to have sex with that person. So, yeah, physical attraction kind of is the deciding factor.

    There are men who I think are attractive but I'm not attracted TO them.
  • jasonmh630
    jasonmh630 Posts: 2,850 Member
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    Shallow? I think not..eHarmony basis it on interests (those pesky 29 dimensions of compatibility) ..

    Just because you have things in common doesn't make you like each other - that just means you could be friends..

    So the deciding factor of whether or not someone is just a friend or a date is whether or not you're physically attracted to them? This is false. Attraction is a multi-faceted entity.
    The difference between a friend and a significant other is whether you want to have sex with that person. So, yeah, physical attraction kind of is the deciding factor.

    There are men who I think are attractive but I'm not attracted TO them.

    Don't get me wrong, I think it's important. It's just not the majority of my decision to date someone.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    Shallow? I think not..eHarmony basis it on interests (those pesky 29 dimensions of compatibility) ..

    Just because you have things in common doesn't make you like each other - that just means you could be friends..

    So the deciding factor of whether or not someone is just a friend or a date is whether or not you're physically attracted to them? This is false. Attraction is a multi-faceted entity.
    The difference between a friend and a significant other is whether you want to have sex with that person. So, yeah, physical attraction kind of is the deciding factor.

    There are men who I think are attractive but I'm not attracted TO them.

    Don't get me wrong, I think it's important. It's just not the majority of my decision to date someone.
    So you would have a romantic relationship with a woman you didn't find physically attractive?

    No one's saying it's the only thing that matters, but it IS the difference between making a friend and wanting to date a person.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    So... I had an old friend on FB that wanted to go out with me. He had changed A LOT, and I honestly didn't find him physically attractive anymore (we had a very brief romantic history). I decided to go out with him anyway just for the sake of nostalgia. I figured we could just keep it platonic.

    Well, guess what?

    Just because he had changed physically, didn't mean that his personality had, and I found myself to be crazy attracted to him. Within months of seeing him, I was madly in love. Check out my profile pic! I'm a happy woman, and I'm glad that I didn't let my initial instincts about his appearance interfere with an opportunity to fall in love.
  • dogluvr_2014
    dogluvr_2014 Posts: 54 Member
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    I don't think you are necessarily shallow but I do think you are missing out. I totally understand that the initial reaction may be that you are not attracted to what you are seeing in the photo but pics can be deceiving just like so many other things. Since finding the "right" person is already so hard to do I certainly wouldn't go by just appearances. I have ended up being very attracted to guys that initially I would have never looked at twice. Looks can change and so many things can cause you to end up being attracted to someone. Good luck & God Bless!! :smile:
  • fjanet
    fjanet Posts: 19
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    No, I simply said having things in common doesn't automatically mean your meant to be together. Its a dating site - that automatically takes away several factors that you can assess in real life such as personality. Lets face it - its human nature to find someone attractive or not - its called survival of the species - what I find attractive doesn't mean you find it attractive..
  • Pirate_chick
    Pirate_chick Posts: 1,216 Member
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    I agree with you; however, I admit that I am shallow when it comes to dating. I have yet to fall for an ugly person. And this is why I am single. LOLOLOL
  • DaughterOfTheMostHighKing
    DaughterOfTheMostHighKing Posts: 1,436 Member
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    Physical appearance tells a lot about you. whether you take care of yourself tells people how you will take care of them. in a relationship that starts off in a blind/I don't know you yet setting, yes, being physically attracted to someone is important. In the "old world" of dating where you got to know someone as friends because you grew up with them or worked with them for a long time, you fell in love with who they are. Now days you look before you date and make judgements before you leap.

    at my age, I can tell a lot about who you are by looking at you, your smile, your eyes, how you carry yourself, and how you present yourself. after I get to know your mind, I decide if I want to get to know you better or not.

    Shallow is not always what people think it is. someone would call me shallow too if they saw who I declined as friends or potential date or what ever… we all have our reasons for how we behave.
  • ethompso0105
    ethompso0105 Posts: 418 Member
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    If you are repulsed, that's one thing. If you're just kind of "eh", then maybe you can rethink it. It's not shallow to look for attraction, but sometimes ACTUAL attraction actually transcends the physical.

    My current boyfriend and I have been together for a bit over a year, officially, but unofficially for about 10 years. Initially, I was attracted to his personality, but he wasn't, physically, my "type". I'm not saying he was unattractive, he just wasn't what I normally look for. As time's gone on, I've begun to find him more and more attractive--I now think he's an incredibly handsome man! I'm very lucky to feel like I got the whole package!

    The rule I lived by when online dating was "give them a chance". If they took the chance to reach out to you and weren't totally creepy/stabby/rapey, they deserve at least a single date--maybe two if they seemed too nervous the first time. :)
  • Petersen_Fitness
    Petersen_Fitness Posts: 1
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    It is not possible to be anything but shallow on a dating site, because there is no depth in dating sites. Just about all of it is superficial marketing.

    Looks are a short term thing. Not only do they deteriorate as you get older, but you get used to someone's looks after a while. That is why we are told all the platitudes about books and covers.

    If you're putting more emphasis into looks than into other personality traits, then that would make you shallow. It's fine so long as you intend to have a short term relationship. If you simply want both good looks and good compatibility, then you have high standards. In my opinion it's better to have high standards and remain single for the rest of your life than to have low standards and end up in a bad relationship.
  • LastMinuteMama
    LastMinuteMama Posts: 590 Member
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    To answer your question, are you shallow? Probably not intentionally, but a little bit.

    I've had this conversation many times with a friend.

    Her dilemma goes beyond the attractive part.

    She wants so many specific qualities in common that it's tough to find a match even if the looks are there. (To each their own, we all know what we do and do not want)

    But, it got me to thinking... if my husband and I were looking for each other on a dating website, I highly doubt we would have ended up together. We have none of those "checklist" things in common and he wasn't how I would have described (appearance-wise) my ideal guy, but here we are --->13 years later and still going strong.

    My unsolicited advice is to get out there and do stuff that you like to do, by yourself if need be, and you'll meet someone who is like you and you'll have a better chance at real life attraction that you just can't get from a profile picture.

    edited because I can't spell today.
  • Guns_N_Buns
    Guns_N_Buns Posts: 1,899 Member
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    I think that'd be called "settling" if you just went with it and tried to become attracted. That isn't doing you or him any favors, so NO you are not shallow.

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