how to deal with sister's body/food comments?
Lesleycali
Posts: 236 Member
My sister is amazing but I wonder sometimes if she has body image issues...which she loves to project on me. She is coming to visit me for over 2 weeks, and honestly I get tired of her comments. All the females from my mom's side are little, including me and my sister. She was more athletic growing up, where I was a bit softer. But still, we are small ladies and are within 5 lbs of the same size.
When she visits she always makes comments like "oh I went through your closet to borrow some pants but they were falling off me." or "Lesley, you have a nice figure for a larger curvier girl." (I weigh 100 pounds, I don't think that can be considered larger!!!) She always comments about other people's sizes, too, relatives, friends, strangers it is so exhausting.
But the real question is how do I deal with food when she visits? I cook a lot, and by most people's standards eat very well/ whole food/ lots of lean protein, veggies and fruits.. Whenever she visits she will make comments about the food I make and how rich it is, or how heavy it is and she asks how can I eat like that. This is when I serve roasted carrots and chicken, or pasta with broccoli, or a salad with grilled meat, you know fairly normal things. I'll make veggie salads and lighter things, too, but she she finds something to complain about then, the dressing is too creamy, I didn't buy lofat cheese etc...when I ask if I should buy her groceries to keep in my house she always insists no.
There are a bunch of other relatives visiting this time too, who are all easy/ appreciate my cooking efforts, but I find my sister's needs tiring, especially when coupled with comments about how big my butt is.
When she visits she always makes comments like "oh I went through your closet to borrow some pants but they were falling off me." or "Lesley, you have a nice figure for a larger curvier girl." (I weigh 100 pounds, I don't think that can be considered larger!!!) She always comments about other people's sizes, too, relatives, friends, strangers it is so exhausting.
But the real question is how do I deal with food when she visits? I cook a lot, and by most people's standards eat very well/ whole food/ lots of lean protein, veggies and fruits.. Whenever she visits she will make comments about the food I make and how rich it is, or how heavy it is and she asks how can I eat like that. This is when I serve roasted carrots and chicken, or pasta with broccoli, or a salad with grilled meat, you know fairly normal things. I'll make veggie salads and lighter things, too, but she she finds something to complain about then, the dressing is too creamy, I didn't buy lofat cheese etc...when I ask if I should buy her groceries to keep in my house she always insists no.
There are a bunch of other relatives visiting this time too, who are all easy/ appreciate my cooking efforts, but I find my sister's needs tiring, especially when coupled with comments about how big my butt is.
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Replies
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"You're being rude.
Stay out of my closet.
Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."0 -
It definitely sounds to me like she could be projecting her own body images on you, or, because she's your sister she might feel like she's in some sort of competition. With siblings of the same gender, I find that a lot of the time if one sibling feels that the other has the upper hand in one manner, then want it in another. So maybe if you have a better paying job, etc., she feels like 'oh well, at least I have the better body,' you know? And that's obviously an immature and petty thought, but I've found that very common between siblings.
But regardless, if she's your sister why don't you just tell her that her complaining about your body and the food you make is something that hurts you? Have you outright said that before? It would definitely be worth a shot.
Is she underweight for her height? If she's not, unless I got actually concerned for her health I think I'd back off from suggesting to her that she has body image issues. People can be incredibly sensitive about that and it can sometimes make matters worse.0 -
One of my biggest challenges in life is speaking up and communicating directly. It is true, I need to just say that I don't want to hear any comments about my (or other people's) bodies. The cooking thing seems harder though. I don't know how to say to her if you don't like it you don't have to eat it without sounding aggressive or mean.0
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"You're being rude.
Stay out of my closet.
Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."
Seriously, this. You're a grown up now you really don't have to deal with someone coming over to your house and being a picky child about everything. Your cooking isn't the problem, it's your sister. She really just sounds like she needs to get told off. So do it.0 -
She's being aggressive and mean! There is a way to be blunt without being a total jerk about it. You can always do the "bite the bullet" tactic and just say "look, it's irritating to me when you comment on my body/food/clothes. Let's talk about what's really going on because I know you have more to care about in life than what I or other people look like and eat like". That'll shut her up pretty quickly.
But good luck. Family can be such a trip some times.0 -
One of my biggest challenges in life is speaking up and communicating directly. It is true, I need to just say that I don't want to hear any comments about my (or other people's) bodies. The cooking thing seems harder though. I don't know how to say to her if you don't like it you don't have to eat it without sounding aggressive or mean.
Life is to short to beat around the bush and be miserable because of someone else. You do what you do for you. If your sister is a guest in your house, then she has two choices. Eat what you make or go somewhere else. There are nice ways to tell her. You choose how but do it. And stay out of your closet.0 -
Ignore as much as you can. Have some canned responses that you don't have to think about, and say them as sweetly as possible. Maybe try:
"I happen to know my body is perfectly healthy, thanks."
"You don't have to eat what I cooked. You're welcome to go get your own food."
"Well, maybe it's a good thing my clothes don't fit you, since you didn't have permission to wear them anyway."
And, really, the big thing - she's a guest in your house. If she complains about the food, or crosses other boundaries, you don't have to put her up. When she starts getting mouthy about your weight or food or whatever, let her know where there are some inexpensive motels in your town. Maybe she'll get the hint
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She sounds rather insecure to me, sorry that I don't have any real advice. Folks with self esteem issues seem to really exhibit this sort of judgmental behavior.
And it is harder to tolerate/understand this from a family member for whatever reason.0 -
I say have a talk with your sister. Let her know that her comments are hurtful, even if she doesn't mean them that way. If she made a comment about you being a 'heavier' girl, I'd laugh and say sarcastically "Because we ALLLL know that 100 is SOOO heavy." And then roll my eyes and walk away.
Honestly, if it was my sister, I'd simply tell her to stop being such a d1ck and to shut her face hole.0 -
One of my biggest challenges in life is speaking up and communicating directly. It is true, I need to just say that I don't want to hear any comments about my (or other people's) bodies. The cooking thing seems harder though. I don't know how to say to her if you don't like it you don't have to eat it without sounding aggressive or mean.
Re cooking - be proactive and beat her to the punch. When you're preparing dinner / lunch / whatever, tell her what you're making but that she's certainly free to bring and prepare her own food. Period. No mention about how healthy your meals are or aren't. (Sounds like they are.)
When she makes comments about your or other people's bodies DO NOT RESPOND. Promptly ignore and change the subject. She can't talk about it if no one is available to converse with. Sorry - that sounds really exhausting. You need to shut her down!0 -
Kill with kindness. When she says your butt is big, agree with her. Tell her how you've noticed how her butt has stayed perfect, and you're ashamed that your butt won't fit into your favorite pants anymore. Look pathetic and ask for a hug.
When she complains about the rich heavy food, agree with her. Tell her you're clueless in the kitchen, and you've always been envious of her cooking skills, and tomorrow if she doesn't mind, you'd like her help cooking.
Lying is bad, I know
but, aren't you curious what her next move would be? I know I am!
best of luck0 -
"Would you like to make dinner tomorrow?"
"Wow, you're really rude."
"Here's a number to a hotel..."0 -
It's your sister... punch her in the throat and tell her to shutup! That's what I do to my siblings. jk0
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"You're being rude.
Stay out of my closet.
Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."
this.
just be honest and direct and tell her her comments are unappreciated. you dont even need to explain why, that's one of the perks of being an adult 0 -
I'd be interested with help of some sort too. My brother, who is quite thin, says similar things, but it a cruder manner. I live at home with him (I'm still in high school), so I can't really get away from it. He calls me things like "that fat b****" or "worthless fatty." I try not to let it get to me, but it really hurts. One of the reasons I joined mfp was to become fit so no one ever talked to me like that again, but progress is slow and this isn't going away.0
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It's your sister... punch her in the throat and tell her to shutup! That's what I do to my siblings. jk
+1. And your sister doesn't sound all that amazing.0 -
Kill with kindness. When she says your butt is big, agree with her. Tell her how you've noticed how her butt has stayed perfect, and you're ashamed that your butt won't fit into your favorite pants anymore. Look pathetic and ask for a hug.
When she complains about the rich heavy food, agree with her. Tell her you're clueless in the kitchen, and you've always been envious of her cooking skills, and tomorrow if she doesn't mind, you'd like her help cooking.
Lying is bad, I know but, aren't you curious what her next move would be? I know I am!
best of luck
LOVE IT!!!!!!! Anthony I'll make sure to keep you posted :devil:0 -
I can help.
I propose we do something along the lines of Dangerous Liaisons / Cruel Intentions.0 -
"You're being rude.
Stay out of my closet.
Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."
this.
seriously.
I have found being rather direct helps- it might make it uncomfortable- but there has to be a time when you just say "look- I love that you come visit- but you're comments are not helpful- it's rude and completely unnecessary and I don't appreciate it- and if you don't have anything nice to say- don't say anything at all"
stand up for your house and your self.0 -
She's being aggressive and mean! There is a way to be blunt without being a total jerk about it. You can always do the "bite the bullet" tactic and just say "look, it's irritating to me when you comment on my body/food/clothes. Let's talk about what's really going on because I know you have more to care about in life than what I or other people look like and eat like". That'll shut her up pretty quickly.
I like this. I especially like this after realizing the OP is my own age, not a teen or young 22 yr old. Women in their 30's should at least have a handle on this kind of stuff IMO! (talking about the sister, not OP)0 -
Have you considered telling her she's a tool?0
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I would revert our relationship back to where it was in 70s & 80s and react accordingly - maybe 30 seconds of oxygen deprivation with a pillow or put a heavy shoe in a pillow case and bonk her several times below the neck where it won't leave a visible bruise. Would she fit in the dryer?0
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Since this is your sister you should speak up! Like the others have said...ask her to cook for a few days since she obviously is picking at what you make. And since she acts this way around others it seems to me she needs to be told to shut it by someone!0
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Thanks everyone, it's nice to know I'm not crazy in thinking she is really pushing boundaries. (although my husband has been saying that for awhile, although he thinks it is just slightly annoying)
It is certainly harder when it is family, but yeah I guess I'm almost 40 and should start actually telling people how their words or actions make me feel. (She has done a lot of amazing things for me when I was a teenager, after my father passed away and my mom totally checked out- so it's not like she's a deep down meanie or anything).
I do like the idea of being really preemptive about it, saying x,y, and z are what's for dinner the next few days, if you don't like those you can pick up something at the market or the restaurant down the street. We'll be eating at 6.
>>>INSERT UNNECESSARY RANT EXAMPLE HERE:
And I can't just ignore her when she says things about other people because she gets worked up trying to get me to agree with her. She was telling me how some coworkers told her she was lucky to be so little. She actually took offense at that and said "no, it's because I work out and don't eat cupcakes like you guys do at the meetings." That could be partly true, but I think genetics has a lot to do with it as we are petite. And anyway she could have been nicer and said something like, "yeah I do have a little frame but I've found as I get older exercise really helps."
She got really bothered by that as though her coworkers were attacking her or something. Then she was bothered that I wouldn't agree with her and when I mentioned that she could have been thankful and kind in her response.
<<<END UNNECESSARY RANT.
thanks everyone!0 -
Wow I see a lot of good suggestions already. I wouldn't confront her in a way that would lead to an argument. She's your sister and if she is coming to visit it means she doesn't live near you so you might not see her a lot. I agree that she is jealous and competitive. If she complains about what you made rather than say go get your own food I would tell her to help herself to your fridge/kitchen. I also like the idea someone suggested using humor and having some planned responses. Or don't respond at all like to the your clothes are too big for her. If she says you are curvy laugh like she just made a joke and that was so funny. Just throw her off her game. She seems passive aggressive, but you also said she's awesome. If something really bothers you, you could say why would you say that? That is mean/hurt my feelings/wasn't necessary. I like the idea that someone said to make a joke out of it and say oh 100 is so heavy, but she's competitive so she might say oh I only weigh xxx. Good luck!0
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Throatpunch...0
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If she really wants to stay in your life, she will learn to knock it off, based on your behavior towards her. You are going to need to establish your boundaries with her, and no longer allow it. Otherwise she will always find a way to insult your body. I'm speaking from experience. She needs to learn to keep her mouth shut, and no longer be able to get a reaction from you, unless the reaction is to tell her to leave.0
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A lot of people will step on you of you give them the chance.
And it looks like you've given her a free pass to treat you like *kitten* for years.
If you don't think you can confront her irl, show her your post and the responses.
If she continues, feel free to stop inviting her until did grows up.0 -
You've already gotten a lot of good advice about how to approach the situation with honesty and tact. I think the other angle to maybe work in there, and I don't know if your sister has kids but I know you do, is something about wanting to set a good example for your children. Not only in your approach to healthy eating and exercise, but in maintaining a good relationship with your sister and having her be a positive role model for your children in how you two interact with each other.0
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>>>INSERT UNNECESSARY RANT EXAMPLE HERE:
And I can't just ignore her when she says things about other people because she gets worked up trying to get me to agree with her. She was telling me how some coworkers told her she was lucky to be so little. She actually took offense at that and said "no, it's because I work out and don't eat cupcakes like you guys do at the meetings." That could be partly true, but I think genetics has a lot to do with it as we are petite. And anyway she could have been nicer and said something like, "yeah I do have a little frame but I've found as I get older exercise really helps."
She got really bothered by that as though her coworkers were attacking her or something. Then she was bothered that I wouldn't agree with her and when I mentioned that she could have been thankful and kind in her response.
<<<END UNNECESSARY RANT.
see now that you mention this, i think maybe you and your sister need to work on having other things to talk about. maybe she thinks the only way to connect with you is to engage in negative whiner trashtalking?
maybe you can suggest that you guys find a new hobby together, that way you can divert the conversation to that and it's something you can both take part in..0
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