need help with my wife

You have 2 young kids and wifey is home all day with them and still doesn't cook? I would have a few words about that. But seriously, your base will have a Health and Wellness clinic. Get a referral and get her in there. Then teach her to turn the oven on and shove some chicken in there.

There are a few things that bother me about this: kids and not eating. She has to feed the kids at some point. Why isn't she eating when the kids are? If you bought frozen dinners, would those be convenient enough? GNC stores carry meal replacement shakes that aren't geared to body building. I wasn't crazy about them so I never bought any past the first two.

Have you talked to her about this? I mean, really talked? Is she tired, is she stressed? What is behind the not eating? If you're in the Navy, you have health care resources that you can take advantage of if needed.

Just a warning, you're probably going to get all kinds of way out advice on this board...be strong when you read it.

children learn from their parents, so sometimes they can pick up bad habits from watching their parents. It concerns me that the kids could develop an unhealthy relationship with food, from seeing their mother under eat. So personally, I think you should sit down with your wife and have a long talk. She needs to realize that the kids are watching her and she needs to make healthy choices so they can learn from that. But, unless she's willing to change, there's really nothing you'll be able to do about it. I would definitely voice your concerns with her and mention that it would be terrible if the kids picked up these bad habits.

Is she showing signs of depression?

! She sounds either seriously spoiled or seriously disturbed. You have little children? Are they OK? What exactly is she feeding them? Please ask her. Her whole story about how some guy said she was too heavy so now she starves herself? That kind of nonsense typically goes out the window after you have children. She needs to start cooking the chicken pal.

Look up medical articles online about Zinc and anorexia. There are studies on how taking zinc in supplemental form can stimulate appetite. (Not to say she's necessarily anorexic, although she might be, I don't know.)

I've been starving before (I wasn't anorexic) and had to gain weight, I used the myfitnesspal phone app to feel like I was in control of it, and also because I don't seem to have anything in me that tells me if I feel hungry or not, I usually just get tired/sleepy instead of feeling like, hunger pains or a rumbling in my stomach. Maybe she has this problem too from years of not eating enough as a jockey. If she monitors it, she will know how much to eat.

She might not be aware of how little she is eating, and monitoring her weight and what she eats might be all you have to do to get her to eat. I absolutely don't realize how little I eat on days I forget to monitor my eating because there seems to be nothing in me telling me to eat, it has to be external. Monitoring it and also you encouraging her should help her start to see that she isn't overweight.

I've noticed the more meat and things I eat, versus carbs, the easier it is to eat more. I've also noticed that if I can't eat or don't have appetite, I eat fruit first and this allows me to eat other things after I've had fruit. I don't know if this will work for her, but I think it works for people with acid reflux (which I also don't have... but still the fruit thing works for me, idky)

And for the chicken expiring before she eats it, just cook it and freeze it, it won't expire. I sitll have times when eating is difficult or I don't eat properly for a few days, I keep my meat in a freezer, it works out fine so that I don't waste food.

I actually freeze everything, tortillas, lean turkey, lean beef, fat free chicken, bread, vegetables, fruits... And it's all right there when I need it, so if she's lazy, there are ways around that so she can have food whenever she needs it. I keep a lot of sauces I like in the fridge so I just heat up the food and then pour sauce on it and it's a better meal than anything I ever used to eat, and it's ready in a few minutes. (I do have to cook a lot on the weekend though.)

(I wonder if she's not actually lazy but just deprived of energy from many years of not eating enough/eating properly balanced food and so she doesn't do a lot and therefore refers to herself as lazy. It could be a long term lack of energy based on her dietary habits.)

Also she doesn't want to gain a lot of fat, just have her monitor her macro nutrients, which you can also do with MyFitnessPal phone app. Set the protein higher and the carbs and fat lower, and she will have more energy and won't gain fat as much. Although she will still need to work out, I guess. Maybe you can go to the gym with her to make sure she works out, if she's eaten? (Pretty easy to see if she's eaten, just check the fridge or freezer; also make sure her weight isn't going down. Going to the gym will help her want to eat, too, like you said: she does well on gym days.)

Finally, there are nutrition drinks. They aren't protein drinks, but are balanced nutrition. You can't LIVE off of them exclusively, but they are a great addition to a diet if you are trying to balance your nutrition and have trouble eating. They sell them in the health areas (like, by the pharmacy, medical health areas) of grocery stores or wal-mart. I thnk usually either really sick people or very elderly people drink them.

I did have to see a counsellor and the reasons for me not eating were very deep (I had ptsd and didn't know it and therefore wasn't treating it/taking medicine for it, which was making me severely depressed and really messing up my thinking). I have no idea if your wife is suffering from anything at all related to that. If she's not, this advice should work. If she is, this advice will still work, but only after she's started taking care of the deeper problem and is on the way to recovery from it.

Also my recovery was entirely driven from people who loved me enough to want to see me healthy again and patient enough not to get frustrated at me for my situation. So no matter the severity of her problem, you loving her and having a loving attitude is going to be the key to fixing it, which I think you definitely already do if you are on here and concerned about her and trying to cook for her and everything. That is really wonderful.

Honestly it sounds like she has an eating disorder. And comments like someone saying you are too heavy can trigger that.

I agree with this. Lazy people don't go to the gym. And if she doesn't cook because she doesn't have the energy to cook, then she wouldn't have the energy to go to the gym.

It sounds like she has an eating disorder. Unfortunately, an eating disorder isn't something you can fix for her no matter how well you stock the kitchen, how often you cook, what you cook, or how easy you make it for her to cook. All you can really do is find some good help for her and try to convince her to accept the help.

So what do your kids eat when yourer not there to cook..doesn't she prepare meals for them? Surely she must, then she could eat the same?!

Doesn't make sense.

Definitely look into Military One Stop/One Source and look into getting some couples counseling. It would be easier to do a couples counseling since it affects everyone in the home. Don't put too much on her at one time. She may feel attacked if you do, and the ultimate fight back is to not do anything you want/request, whether it is beneficial to her or not.

Do your children look underweight?.

Encourage her to get counseling and buy the protein shakes if she'll drink them. She won't magically put on muscle from them, just like no one magically puts on muscle from eating a steak.

Sorry you're having a bad time with this.
It does sound like emotional/mental disorder of some kind. Ignore anyone saying that she's lazy. I agree with the first comment that you should sit her down, make her look at you and then tell her that you love her, want her in your life forever and want her to stay healthy. Going to the gym keeps you healthy but you NEED food to thrive. Your children need her to stay healthy too... however, my instinct is that you should make this conversation just about her. Take away any talk about the children in this instance. When people have kids, it's easy to lose themselves and perhaps she's not tackling something in her mind because she's scared of opening a paralysing can of worms which she thinks couldn't be closed again (and so fears that she'd not be able to function for your kids as a result). However, if you sit her down and tell her eye to eye "I love you, I'm not that ex, I love YOU and I'd love you if you were 10lbs, 50lbs, 100lbs heavier, if you were blue with purple spots and have bright pink hair... I just want you to be healthy and have a good relationship with food" she might feel able to address it x I'd seek some help though.

In the short term.. food wise.. I sometimes get short on time and my mega quick dinner for those days is cous cous. I get a bag of plain cous cous, throw some in a bowl with some sultanas, pour boiling water on it, let the water sink in, then throw in anything else quick, like chickpeas (garbanzo beans), seasoning etc. It's super quick and nutritious.
In terms of shakes, I don't personally use one but Shakeology is supposed to be good (only available in the US at the moment though)

Good luck!!

a huge thanks to all for the great advice I really do appreciate it and I hope it works

to answer some questions she does cook for the kids but most of the time basic things but nutricious.

she currently weighs about 80ibs

she went to a doctor for another issue and it was observed she was very under weight she needs to put on 20-30ibs to be a healthy weight

I will go to the base and find out what they can offer and hopefully convince her to see someone. I think ill get some nutrition shakes as an added extra and hope all of it works

thanks again

That is very underweight, wow. I'm assuming she's short because she's a jockey but that is still very tiny.

I am glad you are doing something for her, that is really so wonderful to see. I hope that she sees how much you care about her and love her and that inspires her to want to take care of herself and that she will see a professional for a diagnosis and further help. Both of you are in my prayers.

I forgot to post these earlier, I don't know exactly what her problem is (there are so many problems that can cause someone to want to stop eating, either psychological or physical or both psychological and physical combined) but here are some cognitive behavioral worksheets that may be of some assistance. They are put up online by psychologists for free in hopes that people will get help.

There are many topics, including Body Dysmorphic Disorder (that causes eating disorders) as well as an Eating Disorders topic, both used by the Center for Clinical Interventions, an Australian mental health organization. There are worksheets as well as a self-help program that outlines what Body Dysmorphic Disorder and Eating Disorders are, how it develops and treatment. If you read these, they might help you understand what her problem is and how to help her (if she has these problems and not depression or something; although there are also worksheets for Depression, Anxiety, Self-Esteem, and Perfectionism, all of which might contribute to why she isn't eating). (I would recommend not doing this solely but in addition to outside, professional help.) http://psychology.tools/download-therapy-worksheets.html

It's up to her whether or not she gets help or reads information on what might be wrong, but you can set a good example and work to convince her to take care of herself the more you know about what might be wrong and also with a lot of patience and respect for what her problems are (which you seem to already have, you really do seem very caring).

Best of luck to both of you, many people have made great recoveries (like me! ) and I know that she can be one of those people.

Look up medical articles online about Zinc and anorexia. There are studies on how taking zinc in supplemental form can stimulate appetite. (Not to say she's necessarily anorexic, although she might be, I don't know.)

I've been starving before (I wasn't anorexic) and had to gain weight, I used the myfitnesspal phone app to feel like I was in control of it, and also because I don't seem to have anything in me that tells me if I feel hungry or not, I usually just get tired/sleepy instead of feeling like, hunger pains or a rumbling in my stomach. Maybe she has this problem too from years of not eating enough as a jockey. If she monitors it, she will know how much to eat.

She might not be aware of how little she is eating, and monitoring her weight and what she eats might be all you have to do to get her to eat. I absolutely don't realize how little I eat on days I forget to monitor my eating because there seems to be nothing in me telling me to eat, it has to be external. Monitoring it and also you encouraging her should help her start to see that she isn't overweight.

I've noticed the more meat and things I eat, versus carbs, the easier it is to eat more. I've also noticed that if I can't eat or don't have appetite, I eat fruit first and this allows me to eat other things after I've had fruit. I don't know if this will work for her, but I think it works for people with acid reflux (which I also don't have... but still the fruit thing works for me, idky)

And for the chicken expiring before she eats it, just cook it and freeze it, it won't expire. I sitll have times when eating is difficult or I don't eat properly for a few days, I keep my meat in a freezer, it works out fine so that I don't waste food.

I actually freeze everything, tortillas, lean turkey, lean beef, fat free chicken, bread, vegetables, fruits... And it's all right there when I need it, so if she's lazy, there are ways around that so she can have food whenever she needs it. I keep a lot of sauces I like in the fridge so I just heat up the food and then pour sauce on it and it's a better meal than anything I ever used to eat, and it's ready in a few minutes. (I do have to cook a lot on the weekend though.)

(I wonder if she's not actually lazy but just deprived of energy from many years of not eating enough/eating properly balanced food and so she doesn't do a lot and therefore refers to herself as lazy. It could be a long term lack of energy based on her dietary habits.)

Also she doesn't want to gain a lot of fat, just have her monitor her macro nutrients, which you can also do with MyFitnessPal phone app. Set the protein higher and the carbs and fat lower, and she will have more energy and won't gain fat as much. Although she will still need to work out, I guess. Maybe you can go to the gym with her to make sure she works out, if she's eaten? (Pretty easy to see if she's eaten, just check the fridge or freezer; also make sure her weight isn't going down. Going to the gym will help her want to eat, too, like you said: she does well on gym days.)

Finally, there are nutrition drinks. They aren't protein drinks, but are balanced nutrition. You can't LIVE off of them exclusively, but they are a great addition to a diet if you are trying to balance your nutrition and have trouble eating. They sell them in the health areas (like, by the pharmacy, medical health areas) of grocery stores or wal-mart. I thnk usually either really sick people or very elderly people drink them.

I did have to see a counsellor and the reasons for me not eating were very deep (I had ptsd and didn't know it and therefore wasn't treating it/taking medicine for it, which was making me severely depressed and really messing up my thinking). I have no idea if your wife is suffering from anything at all related to that. If she's not, this advice should work. If she is, this advice will still work, but only after she's started taking care of the deeper problem and is on the way to recovery from it.

Also my recovery was entirely driven from people who loved me enough to want to see me healthy again and patient enough not to get frustrated at me for my situation. So no matter the severity of her problem, you loving her and having a loving attitude is going to be the key to fixing it, which I think you definitely already do if you are on here and concerned about her and trying to cook for her and everything. That is really wonderful.

Great suggestions here.
If you have a serious conversation with her about it and she isn't willing to change, I'd suggest going to a professional for help. Initially It might just be you going to get ideas on how to help her or staging an intervention if needed.