insecure spouses

Good for you on the 46 pounds lost!!! Its a tough situation and I know how you feel. I just don't know what to tell you other than hang in there and whats meant to be will be. I send hugs your way cause its not fun

That must be so hurtful. Maybe he is afraid that you will not be attracted to him when you are in shape and he is not? Will he eat health and work out with you? Maybe if this is something you can do together, he will be more supportive. He may feel like he is being cut out of a part of your life. I would make sure you are showing appreciation for him when he is supportive or helpful (not that you are at fault in any way. It just seems like sometimes my hubby needs a "cookie" even when I want to whack him with a baseball bat!) Ultimately, you and your health deserve the effort. You have already done amazing work!

Ive been in the same place and believe my weight loss of 75lbs was the reason my marriage went bad. Although I am now happier with my current Husband and so excited to be with him for the rest of my ilfe. Try getting him into the weight loss/working out aswell. Ask him to join you at the gym and then you can have a breakfast date after. THe more he feels wanted and included the less insecure he will hopefully be.

Not to defend him, but a desire to get in shape especially when not shared by the spouse is a one of the indicators of an affair either happening or about to. You need to involve him in your weight loss so he can see it is for you (and consequently him) and not someone else.

I have a sneeky suspicion my fiance is going to be the same way...since I've started busting my butt (after he told me i've gained weight since we've been together) he constantly b!tches about how he's getting fat...especially when I talk about my working out or eating. He's already wondering why I've chosen him, but hasn't really worried about it all that much...now that I'm getting smaller he says things like "don't cheat on me at the office" or "who's your new boyfriend"...it's dumb...he thinks he's just joking but it sounds like he's hurt...I have offered to take him to the gym...or play kinect downstairs, I even do the grocery shopping so he doesn't get to eat tons of crap...but he's always tired or his back hurts...so eff him...I'm going to be tiny for our wedding...and if his self esteem doesn't change, I'll just snap out on him.

My husband has been the same way, but doesn't accuse me of cheating. He just subtly tries to sabotage everything. When I quit smoking, he asked for a divorce, sat the kids down and explained to them we were splitting up, and the next day came crying to me that he was jealous of my success and didn't want a divorce. He was insecure when I graduated college, and he gets more and more reclusive the more and more I go out and do things. But I had to just keep on my life. If he wants to sit in the garage, drink beer and smoke, fine. But I'm not choosing to do that. He's jealous of my running group, jealous of my weight loss. It's hard.

I just invite him to everything. I invite him to the gym, to running group (he can ride his bike, doesn't have to run), invite him to happy hour, community events, etc. He calmed down a lot when I started doing that. Yeah, he pouted here and there ("What am I going to do if you're going to xyz?") but I had to learn to not let that get to me. A lot of times now when I invite him and he says no, when he realizes I'm leaving without him, he changes his mind and tags along!

I do agree with others here, you have to get some help if it's that bad. Get counseling. You can't change him, but he has to know that he's destroying the relationship and and has to be up to him to change.

You may need counseling. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I've seen one spouse who IS being unfaithful constantly accusing the non-cheating spouse.

I hope he's just being temporarily insecure and will trust you 100% soon. That's the only way a marriage can work.

Charmagne

It seems as if my husbands insecurities are starting to really come out.

When I married my husband in 06, I was 100 pounds lighter. I gained most of my weight under the influence of rich foods and I stopped smoking. He gained 50 and I gained 100. We liked to eat!

I started my weightloss journey in october. And now I am almost half way to my goal. The unfortunate issue is that my husband seems to be wondering what why I am doing this. I explain my medical issue and my chance of having a heart attack, but he seems to be getting more and more insecure.

Recently, we are starting to argue over fidelity. Keep in mind...I am 100% faithful. I do not dress remotely sexy. I literally come home from the gym all sticky and sweaty. I haven't changed anything ouside of my weight.

Has anyone had this happen? Any advice? I love him, but refuse to tolerate the questions about fidelity.within my marriage. If he can't trust me, we shouldn't be married. The longer this continues the more angry I am getting.

HELP!

Oh I know this oh so well. I've been overweight for most of marriage. Before we got married I was small and then got pregnant and gained 70 lbs.! Since then I've been a yo yo; up and down, up and down. Now, I've finally getting the weight off for good and he sees the attention I'm getting. Everyone compliments me but him (but he's always been that way, so I don' t really care). I started feeling good about myself, so I've been dressing nicer and even wearing makeup and perfume from time to time. I know he likes this change but he doesn't like that everyone else likes the change too.

I see a psychiatrist about every 6 weeks or so for depression and he asked me on our last visit how my husband was handling the weight loss. He even said to expect my hubby to get jealous and I told him I fully expected it based on past experiences with him when I was smaller. The first time he got jealous was this past November when he mistook something that his older son said about me commenting on his FB profile. He even called me and tried to accuse me of doing something inappropriate with his son! His son! I had to laugh inside because I knew this would be coming but really?! I actually had to have my 15 year old reread the comment from FB so that my husband got it in the right context. He finally let it go but never admitted he was wrong nor did he apologize. Expected.

I have never been unfaithful to my husband. Even since his prostrate cancer six years ago which left him impudent (sp?). I love him no matter what and we've been through way too much for this to be a road block in our marriage. I am losing weight because the doctor told me if I didn't, I'd die at an early age. I don't want to die right now! I want to live and enjoy my children and my first grandchild (born this past September)!

I know this is going to be a problem with us and anyone out there who thinks it won't be a problem for them somewhere along the weight loss journey, is wrong. The key is communication and possibly counseling if it gets bad. Mind you, I've know my husband for over 20 years, and yes, he should know me better than to think I'd be unfaithful after all we've been through but I guess it's only human nature to get a little insecure. I guess you have to imagine what it would feel like if the shoe were on the other foot.

Have you tried getting him to do the weight loss journey with you? Maybe he should start going to the gym with you and workout too! Involve him as much as possible so he feels he's a part of your success. I hate to say this but men, (not all men guys out there MFP land), need their egos stroked more than women do. It's just a fact of life. You have to make them feel wanted and needed and that they are still attractive to you regardless of your or their appearance; that is if that's what you still want. Maybe after you lose the weight, your desires changed too. Huh? (When people lose a lot of weight and started getting attention and feel good about themselves, if is not uncommon for them to change how they feel about their significant other...just putting that out there because in all honesty, it happens all the time!) If that's the case, and you want to save your marriage, counseling is definitely in order.

I hope this helps...

My husband has been the same way, but doesn't accuse me of cheating. He just subtly tries to sabotage everything. When I quit smoking, he asked for a divorce, sat the kids down and explained to them we were splitting up, and the next day came crying to me that he was jealous of my success and didn't want a divorce. He was insecure when I graduated college, and he gets more and more reclusive the more and more I go out and do things. But I had to just keep on my life. If he wants to sit in the garage, drink beer and smoke, fine. But I'm not choosing to do that. He's jealous of my running group, jealous of my weight loss. It's hard.

I just invite him to everything. I invite him to the gym, to running group (he can ride his bike, doesn't have to run), invite him to happy hour, community events, etc. He calmed down a lot when I started doing that. Yeah, he pouted here and there ("What am I going to do if you're going to xyz?") but I had to learn to not let that get to me. A lot of times now when I invite him and he says no, when he realizes I'm leaving without him, he changes his mind and tags along!

I do agree with others here, you have to get some help if it's that bad. Get counseling. You can't change him, but he has to know that he's destroying the relationship and and has to be up to him to change.

Exactly! Well said!

I have a sneeky suspicion my fiance is going to be the same way...since I've started busting my butt (after he told me i've gained weight since we've been together) he constantly b!tches about how he's getting fat...especially when I talk about my working out or eating. He's already wondering why I've chosen him, but hasn't really worried about it all that much...now that I'm getting smaller he says things like "don't cheat on me at the office" or "who's your new boyfriend"...it's dumb...he thinks he's just joking but it sounds like he's hurt...I have offered to take him to the gym...or play kinect downstairs, I even do the grocery shopping so he doesn't get to eat tons of crap...but he's always tired or his back hurts...so eff him...I'm going to be tiny for our wedding...and if his self esteem doesn't change, I'll just snap out on him.

I can see the beginnings of this jealousy in my relationship!

I'm happy I read this thread, I'll have a nice re-assuring talk with my partner tonight. His insecurities come from his own recent weight gain and the fact that we are so far apart right now. He's very good and rational about it, but I'll make sure to have a good chat when we're skyping tonight.

I totally go through the same thing - I have lived with my boyfriend of 9 years...we have both been through bad divorces (cheated on) - I am totally faithful and decided after my father died of a sudden heart attack at age 67 this past August and also had adult onset diabetes and all the bad that goes with it, that it was time for me to get my rear in gear. I told my boyfriend 2 weeks before I started my journey 10/25/10 that I NEED to lose weight. I didn't feel good, look good, feel sexy, etc....Then one night he came bursting into the room where I was exercising and demanded to know why I was doing this "all of a sudden" and "who was the other guy" - I'm a 44 year old mom with graying hair and over 100 pounds to lose - HELLLLOOOO...it is not like I'm hitting the clubs every weekend - LOL...

I finished my workout that night and went to him and told him.....I am doing this for me to be healthier and feel better and I thought that we could do this together (he is just turning 40 and has diabetes, high blood pressure, etc) - and I'm sorry that you cannot support me in my endeavor, but I am not doing this for you - I'm doing this for ME. so I can be happier and healthier and sexier!!!

I think it worked - to a point - I still get the comments about leaving him because he says that is what women do after they lose all their weight and I told him only because their significant others treated them like crap to begin with and now they have the confidence to do what they should have done a long time ago - I do ask him to join me in working out as I workout at home and within the next month I am considering buying a Wii OR XBOX with kinect (as I think that would get the whole family moving) -

Bottom line - You need to just tell him this is so you can be a better, healthier person and hopefully he will join you and you can support one and other or you just have to keep doing what you are doing and reassure him he is your one and only!!!

Best of luck to you in your journey!!!

The only part of this process that is new is the food. I have gone to the gym 4-6 times a week prior to meeting him. I have played volleyball prior to him as well. I don't even think my attitude has changed...I have always been cocky and arrogant ...lol

I feel that I try to make him feel wanted. I try to attack him daily! hehehehe. I guess I will try again to bring him into this process.

When this first started I explained that we would be eating differently. He eats similar meals... his is a larger serving and normally some type of carb. I invite him to hit the gym with me almost every week. He explained that he doesn't think he would be able to keep up. I think that is part of the issue... but when he met me I was in fantastic shape so this shouldn't be anything big.

I will continue to try and find that "cookie" but I really want to bounce him out on his *kitten*. Thanks for letting me vent.

All you can do is try but it really sounds like he's getting insecure because he feels bad about his own weight gain. Keep up the good work!

Hang in there girl. Been there done that!

I usually now not when he's got the subject on the table but completely out of the blue, I'll say he honey, you know what? You hurt my feelings when you make that comment about....... because I love you, desire you and only you. ( this is where I tell my man that I trust that he'd never cheat on me and that I promise that I'll not cheat on him because he's doing it.) You know kind of I'm going to treat you like you treat me because we love each other and made a promise to each other and be together.

Then I generally say that I would hope that he wouldn't hurt my feelings any more with that line of attack. Then if he ever brings it up again I say to my loving man, he we talked about that and I'm not going to let you say that stuff to me. And that generally ends that line.

Good luck

He just thinks that once you become this slender person that you will not love him because he is still over weight. If the shoe was on the other foot you might have the same insecurities. You might not verbalize them the same way but they would be there.

Don't get mad at him...matter of fact take it as a compliment. My husband thinks that I'm so beautiful that I might leave him if another man tries to get my attention. Wow I must be looking good.

I'm no marriage counselor but I've been with my husband for 13 years. Marriage isn't easy. You have to give a lot of yourself even when you don't think the other person is doing the same.

My suggestion: Every time he brings that up I would walk up to him and look him dead in his eyes and say you know what I love you and give him a big fat kiss. Anything he says after the kiss regarding cheating I would put my earmuffs on. You know the problem isn't you. You know its him so lets try to help him get over his problem...not on your time though. You have to allow him to come around.

My 2 cents. Good luck.

I agree 100%!