Relationship Advice

feetmayfail
feetmayfail Posts: 16
edited November 7 in Chit-Chat
Okay - I normally don't do this (don't we all say that?) but thought I'd bug the interwebz to get some opinions.

I am in married to a guy that I have been with for 6 years. I have a son (7) and he has two boys from a previous marriage. No kids together.

We have had issues pretty consistently through the entire 6 years. I have NEVER been unfaithful to him. He has cheated and lied to me on numerous occasions. I'm not perfect but I haven't purposely screwed him over in any kind of way. He doesn't trust me AT ALL. He constantly accuses me of cheating on him, lying about where i am, I need to text him/call him constantly and respond to his calls/texts within minutes or face a verbal assault/accusations/questioning. I got my hair cut shorter than normal and heard him b*tch about it for months. He has demanded I don't cut my hair short again. I can't wear skirts or heels to work, etc.

Obviously, this has been an issue for awhile but the straw that broke the camels back was him telling me he was going to a nearby town to help a friend with a car issue. I am a trusting (sometimes stupid, obviously) person and didn't think much of it. I was able to tell by his gmail account that he was not at that small town - he went over to the big city near us to buy illegal substances, go to a slutty sports bar and end the night with a strip club.

I have been thinking about leaving. I have been looking at apartments and found one that is a good price and close to my sons school.

I believe in marriage - I know not everyone does. We have been going to counseling for a couple of months. He says he is sorry about the lies and everything he has done, but here we are 6 years later with the same BS?

I don't really know what I expect anyone to say about all this. I know it's ridiculous. Thanks for letting me rant.

Know one in my family/circle of friends is aware of this situation - thus, I am pouring it all out online.
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Replies

  • Joannah700
    Joannah700 Posts: 2,665 Member
    From your description, it sounds as if some verbal abuse may be occurring. Question - do you want your son to see this and become like his stepdad when he grows up?

    It sounds like you know what to do, it's just hard.

    You have friends and family, they will support you whatever you decide.
  • sunglasses_and_ocean_waves
    sunglasses_and_ocean_waves Posts: 2,757 Member
    Get away from this loser.
  • JeriAnne84
    JeriAnne84 Posts: 543 Member
    From past experience I have learned when they accuse you of cheating and are super supicious of you, they are usually the ones cheating. They figure its so easy for them to do it, you could be doing it too.

    I believe in marriage. I've never been married, but I grew up with my parents that taught me the only reasons you get divorced is because of infidelity or abuse, the rest you work on. Cheating is a big BIG no no in my book.

    If I were in your situation, his @$$ would have been gone the first time he cheated on me. If you are this unhappy and he continues to lie to you and not respect you, you would be a lot better getting rid of him.
  • notnikkisixx
    notnikkisixx Posts: 375 Member
    I think the answer is clear (and you know it) LEAVE.
  • j4nash
    j4nash Posts: 1,719 Member
    Sounds like a control freak. run.
  • tiptoethruthetulips
    tiptoethruthetulips Posts: 3,371 Member
    Classic cheater reaction, they tend to suspect everyone else of doing the same thing. From the history you have with him that you have posted, I doubt he is going to change for the better any time.

    You and your child deserve so much more than this.
  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,407 Member
    This sounds like an abusive relationship. Controlling, accusing you of cheating (probably because he is doing it himself, which is a very common red flag, BTW), cheating on you. If he does not take the marriage seriously - why should you suffer and try to make it work?

    Leave. ASAP. Get a few of your supports together and get out. Consider your son and how horrible it would be for him to grow up in such a dysfunctional home. It is time to accept that 6 years, he has not changed and will likely never change. I understand as someone who also values marriage, but if my husband did not put much effort into it - why would I?

    It sounds like at least you tried. Which before divorce, is all I would expect. Now a days people just get divorced as a novelty. Good for you for putting the effort but it is time to **** or get off the pot.
  • bd0027
    bd0027 Posts: 1,053 Member
    Leave.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I hate that you don't have anyone in your "real life" to talk to this about. BUT I am glad that you sound strong enough to get the eff out of there. Which as you know is what you "should" do. Marriage isn't to be taken lightly, I would agree...but please remember that your situation is not a normal healthy functional marriage, and it sounds like you have given it enough chances already.

    I think looking 5 or 10 years down the road you can choose to be still stuck in a terrible situation...sighing with relief that you got out now, while your son's still young and you are still psychologically sound...or running from this guy in a way worse situation. You get to choose your own adventure in this life but I'd choose to get out now.
  • Adc7225
    Adc7225 Posts: 1,318 Member
    This is the only relationship advice that I ever give.

    When YOU are ready to change this YOU will change it.

    Meaning, allow yourself the freedom to know that with whatever is going on it just may not be the time for you to make a change but realize that change will come.

    Hang in there!
  • _SantaClause
    _SantaClause Posts: 335 Member
    Leave.
  • Marggiee
    Marggiee Posts: 11 Member
    Yeah leave.
  • futurestarz
    futurestarz Posts: 510
    This sounds like a completely horrible relationship, and a horrible role model for your son.

    I sincerely hope that you leave him for your own sake, and the sake of your son.
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 18,224 Member
    I'm not usually one to do the "just break up" thing on relationship posts, but this sounds completely toxic. I can't imagine how councelling would fix this, unless he got a complete personality transplant.

    I think you've already made the decision. Be strong, follow through, and seek support from those who care about you.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    Um, there's believing in marriage and then there's having respect for yourself. Your "husband" doesn't respect you. If he did, he wouldn't be cheating on you and he wouldn't be abusing you in this manner. Really, do you want your son to grow up and think that his step-daddy's behavior is how a normal man should behave? Please get out. Staying together because of a ring and a license is BS.
  • cherrilovee
    cherrilovee Posts: 194 Member
    Honestly, what it all comes down to is YOUR happiness. Don't let anyone tell you "Don't leave him because you have children together." If you guys are able to work out all of your problems & him stopping all forms of being unfaithful & not loyal to you, then so be it. But by all means, it's about YOU. Your child will be happy as long as you are happy. Six years is a long while to spend being hurt, but imagine if you keep this going another few years & you have to regret 10 whole years of your life. Do whatever makes you happy sweetheart! We're always here for you; Whatever you need, even if it's just to vent, we're here. :heart:
  • SonicDeathMonkey80
    SonicDeathMonkey80 Posts: 4,489 Member
    Just stay together
  • Wookinpanub
    Wookinpanub Posts: 635 Member
    I would endure the short term pain of a divorce to get a fresh start. All 3 of my sisters have gone thru divorce - some ugly divorces but years later they are very happy and better off.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
    Honestly, I can't help but wonder why some people get married in the first place. He sounds awful. Was he always like this?

    Yeah, his behavior towards you indicates that there's probably a lot going on in his world that he's not being completely honest with you about. That's typical guilt projection behavior.

    I'd say cut your losses now. You've already wasted six years of your life with him. Why waste more?
  • cranshinibon
    cranshinibon Posts: 129 Member
    if he can't be honest about buying drugs and hanging out with his friends at a sports bar (I assume it was a hooters / tilted kilt type place) then he's an idiot.

    plus I think if he's asking you to call / text him etc it could mean he's still cheating on you. Most of the type paranoia stems from internal insecurities and guilt. How can he so controlling of you when he's been able to do whatever he wants, and you have to consistently deal with his eff ups.

    Leave the guy, he obviously isn't fit to be in a relationship with anyone.
  • SrJoben
    SrJoben Posts: 484 Member
    You had me at the point where he cheated on you. That's a totally valid reason to split, never mind the other stuff.

    From your description it doesn't sound like he's interested in making the changes necessary to have a healthy relationship.

    You gotta do what you think has the best chance of making you happy, but if the thing you want is divorce I don't think anyone can say you don't have good reasons.
  • Jennicia74
    Jennicia74 Posts: 31 Member
    I'm agreeing with all the above posters. Sounds like a un-healthy, toxic relationship that neither you or the children need to be in. Sounds like counseling isn't helping much as he seems to continue to do what he wants. He probably thinks you're the problem too and takes no responsibility in his own actions. Those that accuse that bad are usually guilty themselves. In all fairness to your kids and all of your safety- My advice would be to leave. Now I know its easier said then done- but if you have already looked at places to live and are questioning this relationship- you already know the answers. GOOD LUCK to you!
  • cakebatter07
    cakebatter07 Posts: 814 Member
    I would have left him 6 years ago. You don't deserve to put up with that crap.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    What a great relationship to bring your child into.

    WTH. Is this even real? Please tell me you're a troll. You REALLY need advice on what to do about a guy who has cheated and lied "numerous times" and treats you like a criminal and prisoner?

    I bet you are a 50 Shades of Grey fan, right?
  • cranshinibon
    cranshinibon Posts: 129 Member
    What a great relationship to bring your child into.

    WTH. Is this even real? Please tell me you're a troll. You REALLY need advice on what to do about a guy who has cheated and lied "numerous times" and treats you like a criminal and prisoner?

    I bet you are a 50 Shades of Grey fan, right?

    arsenio_spit_take-72829.gif
  • superhippiechik
    superhippiechik Posts: 1,044 Member
    He is a liar and a cheat. Leave him for the sake of your child.
  • Atrocity108
    Atrocity108 Posts: 328 Member
    With Kids, running is not that simple. I know the feeling, and I hate that for you.

    However, if you have tried therapy and everything that you can think of, then RUN YOU CLEVER GIRL. Take your child and live on your own. I know it sucks, but your child would be happy that you are happy.
  • Skrib69
    Skrib69 Posts: 687 Member
    Well, rather helpfully, you have both answers you want here..... Stay and Go, and in reality neither are a solution to your situation.... So, fundamental question time....

    1. Are you happy as you are??? I think we know the answer to that, otherwise you wouldn't have posted in the first place.
    2. Will you still feel the same way in another 6 years (or 1 years) time???
    3. Is your other half ever going to change in a way that would make you happy??? Make sure you are realistic here, and take into account his past. Answers starting with 'Yes, but.....' or 'No, but......' don't count. Do you fundamentally believe that he will change?
    4. Are YOU ready to make a change??? It's all right saying to yourself that you need to get out, but if you are not ready to follow it through, then it is a worthless decision.
    5. Do you WANT to make a change? If you don't want it, it will never happen.

    I know what I would do, but I am not you. I also understand why battered partners feel they cannot leave a relationship, hence the questions above. Only you can answer them. My only advice would be to think for yourself and your child - be selfish and think about what you need. Good luck!
  • bluuu123
    bluuu123 Posts: 83
    please please PLEASE go talk to your family about this

    you NEED to share this and make sure others are aware, and then LEAVE HIM - move out - safety for your children & yourself
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    With Kids, running is not that simple. I know the feeling, and I hate that for you.

    However, if you have tried therapy and everything that you can think of, then RUN YOU CLEVER GIRL. Take your child and live on your own. I know it sucks, but your child would be happy that you are happy.

    I think this guy makes an excellent point and I totally agree.

    OP, I have no idea if money is an issue but I'd imagine it might be at least a partial issue. I know for me, when I got out of a marriage for totally different reasons I had to admit to myself that money was one of the things keeping me in it. Not in a gold digger type of way, but in the whole "two incomes make things pretty smooth" way. So I get that. But in the long term, even if that seems like a big issue to you I really believe it won't be as much of an issue later. Your son might remember that he moved from a big house to an apartment with just his mom...or even that there were some struggles and fewer presents at holidays...SMALL BEANS compared to remembering his stepdad who treated his mom like crap and set a horrible example, and having a mom who was distracted and quite miserable in her marriage.
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