Can we talk about S-E-X? eek!

Greenbomb · August 2014

Sorry if this is TMI, but it's much easier to discuss here than with people I know well....ya know? I'm at my highest weight ever- 159 and I am 5' 3" female. My best weight where I feel healthy, fit and sexy is between 130-135. So...you can imagine I'm not feeling too in the mood to, er, get busy with the husband. He is great, and never says anything about my weight..in fact he keeps telling me how much I still turn him on, etc. But....I know deep down he likes me thinner. When we first started dating I weighed about 130 and he would make comments about other women who were maybe only 15-20 pounds overweight like "it's such a shame she is so heavy because her face is really beautiful". Heavy??! I asked him at the time if I gained 20 pounds would he still find me sexy and he said he honestly didn't know...but possibly not. BTW my husband is very athletic and not an ouce of fat on him.

So...now that I'm almost 30 pounds heavier than that I can only think of his words and find it hard to believe he's really that turned on. I know he loves me, and I try to get in the mood, but my self esteem isn't very high right now. I don't want to drive him away...it's not his fault I gained weight, but my interest in sexy time is minimal these days. Just looking for suggestions, support, words of advice.

thanks!

Meerataila · August 2014

You're over-thinking this. If you go into it enthusiastically, confidently, and possibly creatively your husband is going to think only one thing: Yippeee, I get sex!

carolineat111 · August 2014

You're over-thinking this. If you go into it enthusiastically, confidently, and possibly creatively your husband is going to think only one thing: Yippeee, I get sex!

This.

Though I'll admit I have had similar feelings myself. Just try to let it go.
Plus, you're on MFP, so you're already taking a step to make a positive change.
You got this, girl! Head up!

xmichaelyx · August 2014

I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but someone has to be honest ...

You're over-thinking this. If you go into it enthusiastically, confidently, and possibly creatively your husband is going to think only one thing: Yippeee, I get sex!

I wouldn't. Sex is easy. It can be had at any time with any number of different partners. Not all men are dying to have sex with anyone at any time. Some of us choose our partners based on a number of (potentially stringent) criteria, including fitness.

Personally, I have no interest in having sex with someone overweight, whether she's my wife or not. I'm a fit guy. I date fit women because I respect fit women, and like having sex with fit women.

Similarly, I wouldn't expect my gf to want to have sex with me if I became overweight. I owe it to her to be as desirable as I can be, and to remain as close to the person I was when she started dating me as possible.

There are times when slippage is forgivable: preganancy, sickness, accidents. "I chose nightly pizza instead of remaining desirable to you" is not one of those times.

Meerataila · August 2014

I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but someone has to be honest ...

You're over-thinking this. If you go into it enthusiastically, confidently, and possibly creatively your husband is going to think only one thing: Yippeee, I get sex!

I wouldn't. Sex is easy. It can be had at any time with any number of different partners. Not all men are dying to have sex with anyone at any time. Some of us choose our partners based on a number of (potentially stringent) criteria, including fitness.

Personally, I have no interest in having sex with someone overweight, whether she's my wife or not. I'm a fit guy. I date fit women because I respect fit women, and like having sex with fit women.

Similarly, I wouldn't expect my gf to want to have sex with me if I became overweight. I owe it to her to be as desirable as I can be, and to remain as close to the person I was when she started dating me as possible.

There are times when slippage is forgivable: preganancy, sickness, accidents. "I chose nightly pizza instead of remaining desirable to you" is not one of those times.

You're right, but I was assuming that as her husband, he is faithful. If he's not he isn't worth her bother anyway, though of course it's never that simple. I'm not saying however that spouses should let themselves go to wreck and ruin. It's better not to test the outer boundaries, but anyone asking this question on MFP is already dialed into that aspect.

Edit: And I can't think of a faster way to drive a man into the arms of another woman than to be reluctant about sexy time due to weight or anything else!

cherrilovee · August 2014

Honestly, once he LOVES you, it's a whole different thing. He loves you for you, not for your body so of course you're a turn on for him. Sex is a great thing, & come on he's your husband, don't stop having sex just because you're feeling heavier. Sex actually burns a lot of calories. Have it, have a lot of it lol.

Greenbomb · August 2014

I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but someone has to be honest ...

You're over-thinking this. If you go into it enthusiastically, confidently, and possibly creatively your husband is going to think only one thing: Yippeee, I get sex!

I wouldn't. Sex is easy. It can be had at any time with any number of different partners. Not all men are dying to have sex with anyone at any time. Some of us choose our partners based on a number of (potentially stringent) criteria, including fitness.

Personally, I have no interest in having sex with someone overweight, whether she's my wife or not. I'm a fit guy. I date fit women because I respect fit women, and like having sex with fit women.

Similarly, I wouldn't expect my gf to want to have sex with me if I became overweight. I owe it to her to be as desirable as I can be, and to remain as close to the person I was when she started dating me as possible.

There are times when slippage is forgivable: preganancy, sickness, accidents. "I chose nightly pizza instead of remaining desirable to you" is not one of those times.

I appreciate your honesty (although pregnancy is not slippage...:-) Anyway....does it make a difference if you're in love?

Miss_1999 · August 2014

I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but someone has to be honest ...

You're over-thinking this. If you go into it enthusiastically, confidently, and possibly creatively your husband is going to think only one thing: Yippeee, I get sex!

I wouldn't. Sex is easy. It can be had at any time with any number of different partners. Not all men are dying to have sex with anyone at any time. Some of us choose our partners based on a number of (potentially stringent) criteria, including fitness.

Personally, I have no interest in having sex with someone overweight, whether she's my wife or not. I'm a fit guy. I date fit women because I respect fit women, and like having sex with fit women.

Similarly, I wouldn't expect my gf to want to have sex with me if I became overweight. I owe it to her to be as desirable as I can be, and to remain as close to the person I was when she started dating me as possible.

There are times when slippage is forgivable: preganancy, sickness, accidents. "I chose nightly pizza instead of remaining desirable to you" is not one of those times.

Can I make a suggestion to you. Don't ever get married. There's this part in those vows that you take "For better or for worse", and honestly, if you're going to base a relationship on something *that* shallow, you're not really going to have anything for very long, anyway. There are very few who are fortunate to be drop dead gorgeous until they're in their golden years, and you'd sure better hope you've got something to talk about when Mr. Happy can't get happy anymore. God forbid one of you has a terrible accident or injury where you're unable to walk, or exercise, and the other has to step up and become a strong supporter, possibly a care giver. "For better or worse", it means something, you're in it for the long haul, not just for desirability, but because you love the person, regardless.

mybeesknees · August 2014

I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but someone has to be honest ...

You're over-thinking this. If you go into it enthusiastically, confidently, and possibly creatively your husband is going to think only one thing: Yippeee, I get sex!

I wouldn't. Sex is easy. It can be had at any time with any number of different partners. Not all men are dying to have sex with anyone at any time. Some of us choose our partners based on a number of (potentially stringent) criteria, including fitness.

Personally, I have no interest in having sex with someone overweight, whether she's my wife or not. I'm a fit guy. I date fit women because I respect fit women, and like having sex with fit women.

Similarly, I wouldn't expect my gf to want to have sex with me if I became overweight. I owe it to her to be as desirable as I can be, and to remain as close to the person I was when she started dating me as possible.

There are times when slippage is forgivable: preganancy, sickness, accidents. "I chose nightly pizza instead of remaining desirable to you" is not one of those times.

Can I make a suggestion to you. Don't ever get married. There's this part in those vows that you take "For better or for worse", and honestly, if you're going to base a relationship on something *that* shallow, you're not really going to have anything for very long, anyway. There are very few who are fortunate to be drop dead gorgeous until they're in their golden years, and you'd sure better hope you've got something to talk about when Mr. Happy can't get happy anymore. God forbid one of you has a terrible accident or injury where you're unable to walk, or exercise, and the other has to step up and become a strong supporter, possibly a care giver. "For better or worse", it means something, you're in it for the long haul, not just for desirability, but because you love the person, regardless.

^ 100% Agree. She gets it.

Jemellc · August 2014

Completely agree ^^ . I am feeling the exact same however. Funny thing is I've had sex in the past... now I just like I want to wait to get back. Its all mental lol.

kitsune1989 · August 2014

If he's still wanting sex why aren't you? What more can you do to make yourself feel attractive that you aren't already? I mean if he wants you jump on that! Figuratively and literally. Lol. Put on some sexy music, pamper yourself, and spend a day just to remember how sexy you are simply by being a woman!

Jemellc · August 2014

Yes seriously! Like right now... go! Worst possible situation: he has to satisfy his needs elsewhere.

onefortyone · August 2014

I've had problems 'getting in the mood', for various reasons over the past year, that I am only just getting over. I'm realising that the mood comes from ME. I can't sit around waiting for something to put me in the mood - I'd be waiting forever. You are in charge of how horny you are gonna get that day. Take your husband's word for it that he still wants to have sex with you, and jump him!

You can work around your body stuff - turn off the lights, make out under the covers, etc., especially if you know it's only temporary (we're all on this site for a reason after all). The important thing, like your fitness plan, is to set a goal, and figure out what's gonna get you there! Get your hubby involved with flirting or dirty talk, or get yourself revved up by reading erotica, focus on the pleasure instead of on negative thoughts about yourself.

I know it can be done - I am living proof. Good luck!

RedArizona5 · August 2014

I have to be honest and yeah call me a jerk i don't care but i do see woman who are very very pretty but if they did lose weight they would be hot! I even mentioned couple of time to my hubby like wow she would be cute if she lost that weight.
Mine isn't in shape but mine is like yours like he loves me but its still not the same as when your at your best. AND you should strive for your best. I am struggling b/c my back was unaligned and went out so i have been away from working out and vaca got me idk even since i haven't been checking the scale but i am feeling better and going to go back to my routine as hard as it will be..we went to smokey bones today and had a 1000 calorie burger- I NEVER eat their burgers -NEVER. Now I can't say that lol but we got to take care of ourselves because no one will love our bodies as much as we should on our own. to looks kinny and sexy yea those are major perks but do it to not get diabetes. Do it so you don't get clogged arteries, do it for the energy, for the ability to love stairs, for the feeling of power and strength you get because you can kick *kitten* now that you busted out 3 sets of pushups under 3 minutes do it for the oh yea…etc and etc:) I am not trying to be mean and OP i know you know what i mean but i support your goals to get back on the right track

Jemellc · August 2014

I have to be honest and yeah call me a jerk i don't care but i do see woman who are very very pretty but if they did lose weight they would be hot! I even mentioned couple of time to my hubby like wow she would be cute if she lost that weight.
Mine isn't in shape but mine is like yours like he loves me but its still not the same as when your at your best. AND you should strive for your best. I am struggling b/c my back was unaligned and went out so i have been away from working out and vaca got me idk even since i haven't been checking the scale but i am feeling better and going to go back to my routine as hard as it will be..we went to smokey bones today and had a 1000 calorie burger- I NEVER eat their burgers -NEVER. Now I can't say that lol but we got to take care of ourselves because no one will love our bodies as much as we should on our own. to looks kinny and sexy yea those are major perks but do it to not get diabetes. Do it so you don't get clogged arteries, do it for the energy, for the ability to love stairs, for the feeling of power and strength you get because you can kick *kitten* now that you busted out 3 sets of pushups under 3 minutes do it for the oh yea…etc and etc:) I am not trying to be mean and OP i know you know what i mean but i support your goals to get back on the right track

Nope I say that all the time too.... "If he/she was to lose all that weight they would be smokin'!" If my friend and I put a dollar a side for each time we said that we would be rich lmao.

ChildrenCryinNCoffee · August 2014

It's more of a mental thing than a physical appearance thing.

I was once nearly 350 pounds.

Married to a 190 6'4" muscle-ly athlete.

Somehow we still made four babies. >.<

Every time I asked him if I should lose weight, he'd smile and LITERALLY sing "You can do side-bends & sit-up's, but please don't lose that butt."

I never lost the weight to "look better naked" or to have "sexier sex".

I did it because I was tired of exercise-induced asthma.
I was tired of Hypertension; constantly feeling sick and dizzy.
I was tired of skin rashes from either extra skin or "obese clothing" that always rubbed me raw.
I was tired of my back killing me (worse than it does now).
I was tired of only being able to play tag for 10 minutes with the kiddos IF I was lucky.

I already knew I was sexy, otherwise, how'd I bag my gorgeous husband?
But he taught me that yeah looks don't hurt, but why be with a boring woman? He wanted someone smart, funny, quick witted, sarcastic and spontaneous.

My advice? Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You're not a mind-reader, you cannot pretend to know what your husband wants, likes, needs, etc.

Talk to him, without whining.

And if changes are needed, for your HEALTH, then make them. Don't wait for anyone's approval.

Just get your head right first.

kitsune1989 · August 2014

Lol I got to say this is making me feel especially not shallow today!

Greenbomb · August 2014

It's more of a mental thing than a physical appearance thing.

I was once nearly 350 pounds.

Married to a 190 6'4" muscle-ly athlete.

Somehow we still made four babies. >.<

Every time I asked him if I should lose weight, he'd smile and LITERALLY sing "You can do side-bends & sit-up's, but please don't lose that butt."

I never lost the weight to "look better naked" or to have "sexier sex".

I did it because I was tired of exercise-induced asthma.
I was tired of Hypertension; constantly feeling sick and dizzy.
I was tired of skin rashes from either extra skin or "obese clothing" that always rubbed me raw.
I was tired of my back killing me (worse than it does now).
I was tired of only being able to play tag for 10 minutes with the kiddos IF I was lucky.

I already knew I was sexy, otherwise, how'd I bag my gorgeous husband?
But he taught me that yeah looks don't hurt, but why be with a boring woman? He wanted someone smart, funny, quick witted, sarcastic and spontaneous.

My advice? Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You're not a mind-reader, you cannot pretend to know what your husband wants, likes, needs, etc.

Talk to him, without whining.

And if changes are needed, for your HEALTH, then make them. Don't wait for anyone's approval.

Just get your head right first.

Your husband sounds aweseome... and so are you!

RedArizona5 · August 2014

I have a strong sex drive LOL I remember when I was sporting muffin tops at your weight what is it like 160? yep if I wanted it I would get it but my drive wasn't as big though because i was the one asking for it and if i didn't then it would be like once month and thats it and I didn't feel as sexy sometimes either so i didn't ask and just waited for him…. and I do agree with the bees knees it is for the long haul but he didn't have to sound like that i guess….i would give him the benefit of the doubt because my uncle was like that but i mean it can't be for shallow reasons. T o want someone fit it would have to be to stay alive longer and live a better quality life and not waste money seeing a doctor for something that health could have prevented….granted though if your family has cancer or certain sicknesses then working out won't prevent it 100% BUT it can def help in keeping it at bay (sometimes) so yeah their are shallow people out there but they know what they want and they aren't dumb. to want to stay fit is a very good thing and america needs to wake up….to be brutally honest..fit people will become the minorities if not already-thats a scary statistic if you think about it

elektrolization · August 2014

I'm in the same boat, except 50 lbs more than I weighed when I met my fiancé. Our sex life has definitely slowed down, mostly due to how I feel physically unable to do certain things because of my weight. Except seriously some days I wonder if my man has eyeballs because I swear he doesn't notice any of that. The guy still grabs my butt and boobs playfully & randomly throughout the day, calls me sexy, and just loves me. He helps make me feel better about myself, once I get past the wall that I've put up in my mind. He is supportive, he is happy, he's in love and he is helping me on my journey back to my healthy weight...because it will make ME happy.

One time I was ranting to a guy friend about my weight, and he said one of the coolest things. He told me that his wife keeps complaining that she's gained 30 lbs and feels fat. Then he said "you know what? I don't see it AT ALL. I absolutely love my wife.

That shallow post up top sounds exactly like my ex. He's 37, single, hard bodied, sleeping with tons of hot women, but also hasn't found love and he's depressed because of it. God forbid the day he finds his ideal fitness model woman and she let's out a fart. It'd be over. Lol...

DjinnMarie · August 2014

Loving somebody and being sexually attracted to them is two very different things. I've been with my husband for 17 years. I love him and he loves me. But that doesn't mean we will always be sexually attracted to each other, especially if we were to really pack on the pounds. I have had 3 children and each time have had weight to lose after their birth. My husband loves me and supports me, but I would never expect him to be sexually attracted to me if I let myself go.

I realize this isn't a popular opinion, but someone has to be honest ...

You're over-thinking this. If you go into it enthusiastically, confidently, and possibly creatively your husband is going to think only one thing: Yippeee, I get sex!

I wouldn't. Sex is easy. It can be had at any time with any number of different partners. Not all men are dying to have sex with anyone at any time. Some of us choose our partners based on a number of (potentially stringent) criteria, including fitness.

Personally, I have no interest in having sex with someone overweight, whether she's my wife or not. I'm a fit guy. I date fit women because I respect fit women, and like having sex with fit women.

Similarly, I wouldn't expect my gf to want to have sex with me if I became overweight. I owe it to her to be as desirable as I can be, and to remain as close to the person I was when she started dating me as possible.

There are times when slippage is forgivable: preganancy, sickness, accidents. "I chose nightly pizza instead of remaining desirable to you" is not one of those times.

Can I make a suggestion to you. Don't ever get married. There's this part in those vows that you take "For better or for worse", and honestly, if you're going to base a relationship on something *that* shallow, you're not really going to have anything for very long, anyway. There are very few who are fortunate to be drop dead gorgeous until they're in their golden years, and you'd sure better hope you've got something to talk about when Mr. Happy can't get happy anymore. God forbid one of you has a terrible accident or injury where you're unable to walk, or exercise, and the other has to step up and become a strong supporter, possibly a care giver. "For better or worse", it means something, you're in it for the long haul, not just for desirability, but because you love the person, regardless.

Can we talk about S-E-X? eek!

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