This seriously breaks my heart on a daily basis

sabified · September 2014

I think your heart is in the right place, but unless its a safety thing (not a style thing) I would stay out of it. By safety I mean it's 20 degrees outside and they are walking to school with no jacket. But even then, it could just be who they are. I have an adult friend who grew up in Michigan, and for whatever reason it is a point of pride that she wears sandals here in NC year round, even on the rare occasion that it gets down in the teens. I also remember in elementary school a kid named Matt (also from somewhere up north) that would wear shorts year round. Heck, there is a guy two offices down from me from Canada that does this. Like it's a "I'm a tough northerner, this isn't cold silly southerners" kind of thing, lol.

So, I think the idea of approaching the school would be good if you saw a kid and were genuinely concerned for their safety. Then a teacher can ask, "hey aren't you cold? Do you have a coat?" and they might explain that they are always hot or whatever. But this doesn't sound like a safety issue, just lots of assumptions.

I totally have this type of mentality... but now I live in the desert and the AC's are kicking my *kitten*

But real cold, I can handle. I don't need no coat!!

OP, your heart is in the right place but you're making a lot of assumptions. Give to charity- as others have suggested maybe the school has a clothing or food drive, or find some other means of making things available to people in need. If this kid needs it, chances are her family is going to those types of places. If she doesn't, someone who does will get it.

ink_b1tch · September 2014

Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.

I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO. I guess they could hand wash it in a bucket. When did kids start running parents?

devil_in_a_blue_dress · September 2014

Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.

I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO. I guess they could hand wash it in a bucket. When did kids start running parents?

I think it's called picking your battles.

mommyrunning · September 2014

Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.

I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO. I guess they could hand wash it in a bucket. When did kids start running parents?

Not trying to be argumentative but letting your kids choose what to wear to school is not them running their parents. Your reasons for not wanting to allow that seem valid and I see no problem with your choice. But that doesn't mean that another parent who allows their kids to pick their clothes is letting their kids run them. Giving kids choices and responsibility is part of teaching them. There can be compromises between parent desires and kid desires which also teaches valuable lessons.

randomtai · September 2014

Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.

I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO. I guess they could hand wash it in a bucket. When did kids start running parents?

Galatea_Stone · September 2014

Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.

I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO. I guess they could hand wash it in a bucket. When did kids start running parents?

Inorite? Good lord, it's a pair of shorts that I hate that she loves (that she bought with her own money at Walmart). The hour of reading that she has to do every night to stay in her magnet program matters a whole lot more to me than a silly pair of shorts. My battles have been picked, and given that she's a driven, ambitious child with a strong sense of self accomplishment, I'm sure I'll have an interesting time at 13, but I'm also sure that my battle will be keeping her from beating herself up for getting a B. Besides, I'd be kind of sad to have a milquetoast little girl who didn't stand up for herself.

And I'm also okay with people being judgmental. My ability to care what others think of me is close to nonexistent.

SunofaBeach14 · September 2014

Obviously I don't know the exact situation, but I can tell you that my wonderful daughter (who owns more clothes than my husband and I combined) insists on wearing the same jean shorts to school every single day. I have begged and pleaded with her to change her clothes. I am constantly washing them. .

I am constantly washing them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, those shorts would disappear. You are the parent, you are in charge, you make the rules.

Until you 8 year old daughter is in the garage in the trash can with tears streaming down her face in a panic over them, that is. When she digs them out and is crying real tears, you realize that children are people entitled to their on personal sense of style. My daughter wore a pair of jean shorts to school today that she tries to put on every morning. Today it wasn't worth the argument, and she left happy. I also got to sit and enjoy helping her with her reading instead of screaming about a pair of hideous jean shorts.

My daughter is very much like me. She has a closet full of pretty clothes, and she sometimes leaves the house looking like a bag lady. Stripes with plaids with mismatched socks and all. Her dad's a lawyer. If someone showed up at our big house with clothes for her, I'd laugh, but I'd tell them to eff off.

I never allowed the habit to form so that ^^this did not happen with my 3 girls btw 19, 13, 11. Been through some tears but letting them become spoiled with bad habits,NO, just No! Have fun with that as she turns 13!

No way that I'm micromanaging my kid over things that don't matter. Personal hygiene and grades? Damn skippy I care about that. A quirky sense of style? It's genetic and I enjoy what she puts together. Mine evolved into an affinity for custom suits. Let the church ladies of the world enjoy their false umbrage.

jenniemarie91 · September 2014

Going back to the original post - as a public school teacher in the US, I can assure you that if there is a problem, the school is working with the family to help them with their basic needs.....if they need it.

mullycathNZ · September 2014

I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO.

A family of 7 and you wash once a week - geez what fun your Friday must be! And using "extra power and water" to run the machine ermmm, no - you would still be running it the same amount of times just spread over the week instead of all in one day. I have 3 in my family and still wash (full loads) 3 x a week.

mereditheve · September 2014

I want to offer another perspective. Going through this girl's school is the most intrusive way of simply giving her a gift. How would you feel if I went to your boss after seeing your work outfits weren't very stylish, and asked that your boss give you some new suits that I would pay for? It would be humiliating! Not only did some unknown stranger notice you, but instead of having the courage to stop you and simply show a kind gesture, they are now intruding in your work life.

Give the girl a gift card for a nearby clothing store so she can pick out some new clothes if she wants. Show some kindness directly -- that's what kindness is.

The bolded portion of your answer gives me chills. If some random person gave my pre-teen daughter a gift card, they would be getting a visit by the local police. Not a wise choice in this day of predators.

I second (or is it 3rd) in giving a donation of clothes to the school if they have a food/clothes bank. Let the guidance counselor handle the process. She/he is probably in a better position to know the story in the family (if there is one).

There are so many ways to help people in your community, but inserting yourself into the situation, when you are merely guessing at the circumstances is not helpful.

Police no. You would see me knocking at your door if it was my kid.

I guess it depends on where you live. I've lived/worked on the east and west coasts and outside of the lower 48 and think people are a little more laid back over on the west coast and in Hawaii... a little random act of kindness card that says "No reason, just something to brighten another person's day!" with a Macy's or TJ Maxx $25 gift card is nice. I think of it the same way as the people who pay your meter when it's about to run out -- not saying you're poor or that they're better than you, but just showing kindness. Plus I picture the OP as a nice woman, not some creepy old man giving a little girl candy to lure her into his van.

QAPmom · September 2014

I agree with cranshinibon

yopeeps025 · September 2014

I want to offer another perspective. Going through this girl's school is the most intrusive way of simply giving her a gift. How would you feel if I went to your boss after seeing your work outfits weren't very stylish, and asked that your boss give you some new suits that I would pay for? It would be humiliating! Not only did some unknown stranger notice you, but instead of having the courage to stop you and simply show a kind gesture, they are now intruding in your work life.

Give the girl a gift card for a nearby clothing store so she can pick out some new clothes if she wants. Show some kindness directly -- that's what kindness is.

The bolded portion of your answer gives me chills. If some random person gave my pre-teen daughter a gift card, they would be getting a visit by the local police. Not a wise choice in this day of predators.

I second (or is it 3rd) in giving a donation of clothes to the school if they have a food/clothes bank. Let the guidance counselor handle the process. She/he is probably in a better position to know the story in the family (if there is one).

There are so many ways to help people in your community, but inserting yourself into the situation, when you are merely guessing at the circumstances is not helpful.

Police no. You would see me knocking at your door if it was my kid.

I guess it depends on where you live. I've lived/worked on the east and west coasts and outside of the lower 48 and think people are a little more laid back over on the west coast and in Hawaii... a little random act of kindness card that says "No reason, just something to brighten another person's day!" with a Macy's or TJ Maxx $25 gift card is nice. I think of it the same way as the people who pay your meter when it's about to run out -- not saying you're poor or that they're better than you, but just showing kindness. Plus I picture the OP as a nice woman, not some creepy old man giving a little girl candy to lure her into his van.

"Hey daddy this stranger who watches me walk to school everyday gave me a gift card." Yeah you will hear from me. Now If I know the neighbor who did this you will still hear. Just not the dark side of me.

melissay28 · September 2014

Thank you for those that have seen that I am concerned about the girl and am not trying to cause problems, it's nice to see that there are other people out there that care about others. I think some people are reading WAY into the things that have been said throughout the post.

Yes, I am assuming her situation, based off of being in that type of situation when I was growing up. My family was poor, my parents were divorced, I lived with grandparents at times, I wore "cheap" clothes, hand me downs & things from the thrift store. I've lived in trailer parks and houses. I always went to public schools. My parents busted their *kitten* to provide what they could for me. In no way shape or form do I feel like I am better than this girl, or her family. I have been the kid in the uncool clothes, head hung down, sitting by myself, because I didn't fit in with everyone else. There's not a thing wrong with being poor. From what I have seen in my own life the people that don't have a lot are usually the most kindhearted and genuine people that I have ever met. I was raised in the south and it was taught to me at a very young age you do things that are nice for no reason, not to get anything out of it, not for recognition, but because it is the right thing to do. I have a big heart, and probably always will.

One person replied that I am obviously bragging about sending my son to private school & the poor public school kids... not even close. Public school was never an option in mine or my husbands lives, we have been lucky enough to be able to send our son to private school. We have nothing against public schools, we do have a problem with the public schools standards in the places that we have lived. If 30-45% of the kids in the elementary school in your area were at or above grade level would you send them to that school or somewhere else, if you had the option? We are by no means rich but we sacrifice $500.00 a month for our child's education, I don't see where that makes me a bad person.

I wouldn't approach the girl because I don't know her. If someone came up to my son I would probably be freaked out, or if my son came home with new things I would definitely question it. There are so many creepers in this world that I would never approach someone else's child unless I saw that they were hurt or in danger.

Keepcalmanddontblink · September 2014

Its so sweet that you want to help! I just had a lady in my store two days ago looking for some clothes for a little girl. Turns out she is her teacher, and the girls parents are having a hard time making ends meet and the girl doesn't get a lot of new clothes. I helped her pick out stuff from the clearance racks so she was able to get two outfits for her. I was just so touched that someone cared enough to do something!

I'd check with the school or maybe even ask your neighbors since they might know something. You could make up a niece or something who has some hand me downs and looks to be about her size, to avoid embarrassing anyone.

She also might just love her boots. I am a flip flops all year around kind of girl, so I get favoring one kind of shoe style.

Keepcalmanddontblink · September 2014

I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO.

A family of 7 and you wash once a week - geez what fun your Friday must be! And using "extra power and water" to run the machine ermmm, no - you would still be running it the same amount of times just spread over the week instead of all in one day. I have 3 in my family and still wash (full loads) 3 x a week.

I think she was meaning that washing and drying everyday, using up extra power and water was a no no, not that she used extra water and power on laundry day. And yeah, 7 people=laundry all day long! It takes me half a day to do laundry for 3, but I can't do it daily.

randomtai · September 2014

Yes, I am assuming her situation,

/thread.... Don't assume, you are usually wrong.

headofphat · September 2014

I think you're making a big jump from seeing an introverted teenager walking by herself to her being bullied and poor. The best thing you can do is make donations to your local Goodwill and food banks. If her family is indeed poor then places like that are there for them to get clothing cheap.

I wouldn't intervene unless you have some good evidence that the young lady is in some way being neglected or abused in some way.

You have to remember everyone is different and walk through life in different ways. You seem to have a caring heart and there are many many charitable organizations that you could volunteer for and even donate too.

This seriously breaks my heart on a daily basis

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