This seriously breaks my heart on a daily basis

13

Replies

  • HeatherBrookmyer
    HeatherBrookmyer Posts: 41 Member
    That broke my heart reading it. I agree with the above poster. I'd go to the school, maybe describe the child, and let them know, you're a parent, not some creeper, you don't want the child's name, or any information, the only thing you'd like is to know clothing/shoe sizes. You'd like to bring them to the teacher to give to the child. I have a feeling the school already knows this is a most likely a situation where the parents don't have a lot, OR the parents are neglecting and their hands are tied. Either way, I'm sure they would be glad to have someone helping. Community outreach *at least around here* is something that is much appreciated. Giving back where you can is a great thing. Please, keep us posted on this!

    This and... We have a foundation set-up by our school district/PTO perhaps you could see if your district has something similar? If not, start one:) Our Foundation services many different areas, clothing/furniture/school supplies. Donationas are always accepted and appreciated! The families in need are "referred" by the school guidance counselors". It's a great program.
  • _Zardoz_
    _Zardoz_ Posts: 3,987 Member
    I used to wear a battered blue jumper with holes no matter the temperature even when it hit 30 degree (Celsius). One day someone stole the washing off our line (including my beloved Jumper). My stepfather was out one day and saw someone wearing it and arrested them (he was a Prison officer who has the the same powers of arrest as the police). When it went to court the magistrate asked how he new 100% it was my Jumper. His response 'When you see a scruffy unclean teenager who wears the same clothes 24/7 no matter the weather and no matter how clean you cant mistake the stains and holes on said jumper it;s as good as a finger print!'

    Someones clothes or friends are not a guide to how well they are looked after or the money they have.
  • bugaboo_sue
    bugaboo_sue Posts: 552 Member
    Perhaps she is wearing the same out fit every day because she likes it.

    Or she has several pairs of pants and shirts that look alike. She also could have some really unruly hair that no matter what she does with it nothing tames it. Sometimes I put on the same clothes at home because it's what's out and my hair is a mess. Does that make me homeless?

    You honestly don't know what the girls situation is or what her home situation is and if I were a parent and the school came to me with an anonymous donation of clothes because a "well meaning" individual thinks I don't have enough money to clothe my kids (which again you don't know what the situation is but lets just assume that this family does have the money) I'd be a bit put off by it.

    The point is that while your intentions are good you don't know what the situation is. Until you are 100% sure that perhaps the family can't afford clothes or what have you I'd leave it alone and like someone said do a general donation of clothes to the school or some other charity and not single out this one girl. Like you said it is possible that she gets picked on in school and you know darn well that it will get around that someone donated clothes for her specifically. How bad do you think she'll get picked on for something like that?
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    Obviously I don't know the exact situation, but I can tell you that my wonderful daughter (who owns more clothes than my husband and I combined) insists on wearing the same jean shorts to school every single day. I have begged and pleaded with her to change her clothes. I am constantly washing them. .

    I am constantly washing them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, those shorts would disappear. You are the parent, you are in charge, you make the rules.

    Well the kid runs the household and pays no bills.
  • GBrady43068
    GBrady43068 Posts: 1,256 Member
    I would ask the school about it first and then go from there. I am always hesitant to get involved in things like this. Parents don't often want interference from others.
    ^This

    BUT...

    If the school is able to advise the situation is as you believe, then the anonymous clothes route.
  • GiveMeCoffee
    GiveMeCoffee Posts: 3,556 Member
    Obviously I don't know the exact situation, but I can tell you that my wonderful daughter (who owns more clothes than my husband and I combined) insists on wearing the same jean shorts to school every single day. I have begged and pleaded with her to change her clothes. I am constantly washing them. .

    I am constantly washing them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, those shorts would disappear. You are the parent, you are in charge, you make the rules.

    Having survived 3 teenagers, there's a thing called picking your battles. And as long as the clothes they are wearing are covering them and not inappropriate that isn't a battle worth fighting.
  • mommyrunning
    mommyrunning Posts: 495 Member
    Obviously I don't know the exact situation, but I can tell you that my wonderful daughter (who owns more clothes than my husband and I combined) insists on wearing the same jean shorts to school every single day. I have begged and pleaded with her to change her clothes. I am constantly washing them. .

    I am constantly washing them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, those shorts would disappear. You are the parent, you are in charge, you make the rules.

    Well the kid runs the household and pays no bills.

    We are talking about wearing a pair of shorts not disrespecting your parents or not doing chores. I let my 6 year old pick out her clothes. I may not always love her choice but as long as they are clean, appropriate, and fit I have no problem letting her choose what to wear. I kind of like the idea of a kid who cares more about their own opinion of their clothes than that of other kids/people. I see it as a form of self esteem and an asset. Wanting to wear your favorite shorts to school everyday is not a big deal.
  • ink_b1tch
    ink_b1tch Posts: 101
    Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only
  • mommyrunning
    mommyrunning Posts: 495 Member
    Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

    I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.
  • Therealobi1
    Therealobi1 Posts: 3,262 Member
    Years ago I had some young colleagues who came from quite privileged backgrounds but looking at their clothes you wouldnt be able to tell. One of the guys topped it off by not bathing on a regular basis. If you saw these guys on the road you would think no money, but when you spoke to them and saw their houses then you knew them properly. You have to do your research before deciding what to do. If you go to the school I am sure they wont tell you much due to privacy, so you might have to see if you can get to know the parents.

    I personally hate the idea of giving the child some clothes or gift tokens directly. Some of us were taught do not talk to strangers and do not take anything for strangers. My daughter comes home with a gift from a friend I am telling her off for taking it let alone if she was to come back with a gift from a stranger on the road.

    What really breaks my heart is hearing children stealing food from other kids packed lunches, or in the news recently how children miss out on meals during summer holidays.
  • Galatea_Stone
    Galatea_Stone Posts: 2,037 Member
    Obviously I don't know the exact situation, but I can tell you that my wonderful daughter (who owns more clothes than my husband and I combined) insists on wearing the same jean shorts to school every single day. I have begged and pleaded with her to change her clothes. I am constantly washing them. .

    I am constantly washing them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, those shorts would disappear. You are the parent, you are in charge, you make the rules.

    Until you 8 year old daughter is in the garage in the trash can with tears streaming down her face in a panic over them, that is. When she digs them out and is crying real tears, you realize that children are people entitled to their on personal sense of style. My daughter wore a pair of jean shorts to school today that she tries to put on every morning. Today it wasn't worth the argument, and she left happy. I also got to sit and enjoy helping her with her reading instead of screaming about a pair of hideous jean shorts.

    My daughter is very much like me. She has a closet full of pretty clothes, and she sometimes leaves the house looking like a bag lady. Stripes with plaids with mismatched socks and all. Her dad's a lawyer. If someone showed up at our big house with clothes for her, I'd laugh, but I'd tell them to eff off.
  • ink_b1tch
    ink_b1tch Posts: 101
    Obviously I don't know the exact situation, but I can tell you that my wonderful daughter (who owns more clothes than my husband and I combined) insists on wearing the same jean shorts to school every single day. I have begged and pleaded with her to change her clothes. I am constantly washing them. .

    I am constantly washing them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, those shorts would disappear. You are the parent, you are in charge, you make the rules.

    Until you 8 year old daughter is in the garage in the trash can with tears streaming down her face in a panic over them, that is. When she digs them out and is crying real tears, you realize that children are people entitled to their on personal sense of style. My daughter wore a pair of jean shorts to school today that she tries to put on every morning. Today it wasn't worth the argument, and she left happy. I also got to sit and enjoy helping her with her reading instead of screaming about a pair of hideous jean shorts.

    My daughter is very much like me. She has a closet full of pretty clothes, and she sometimes leaves the house looking like a bag lady. Stripes with plaids with mismatched socks and all. Her dad's a lawyer. If someone showed up at our big house with clothes for her, I'd laugh, but I'd tell them to eff off.

    I never allowed the habit to form so that ^^this did not happen with my 3 girls btw 19, 13, 11. Been through some tears but letting them become spoiled with bad habits,NO, just No! Have fun with that as she turns 13!
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    Obviously I don't know the exact situation, but I can tell you that my wonderful daughter (who owns more clothes than my husband and I combined) insists on wearing the same jean shorts to school every single day. I have begged and pleaded with her to change her clothes. I am constantly washing them. .

    I am constantly washing them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, those shorts would disappear. You are the parent, you are in charge, you make the rules.

    Until you 8 year old daughter is in the garage in the trash can with tears streaming down her face in a panic over them, that is. When she digs them out and is crying real tears, you realize that children are people entitled to their on personal sense of style. My daughter wore a pair of jean shorts to school today that she tries to put on every morning. Today it wasn't worth the argument, and she left happy. I also got to sit and enjoy helping her with her reading instead of screaming about a pair of hideous jean shorts.

    My daughter is very much like me. She has a closet full of pretty clothes, and she sometimes leaves the house looking like a bag lady. Stripes with plaids with mismatched socks and all. Her dad's a lawyer. If someone showed up at our big house with clothes for her, I'd laugh, but I'd tell them to eff off.

    I never allowed the habit to form so that ^^this did not happen with my 3 girls btw 19, 13, 11. Been through some tears but letting them become spoiled with bad habits,NO, just No! Have fun with that as she turns 13!

    How about teach your 8 year old to hand wash her favorite jeans? Boom kill two birds with one stone.
  • GiveMeCoffee
    GiveMeCoffee Posts: 3,556 Member
    Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

    My kids learned to do laundry early on, that was a battle worth fighting for me. But choosing what they wanted to wear.. nope like I said unless it was inappropriate definitely not worth fighting.
  • The_Raspberry
    The_Raspberry Posts: 84 Member
    I am a social worker and I work doing family assessments and helping children and families in need. And the things you describe are very common signs of neglect and/or poverty. They doesn't have to be, but they can be. I also didn't get how old the kid is, so it depends on that.

    I work in sweden, so I understand that the help offered to families in need in the states are different. Here, the school would be obliged to contact social services and then we would be the ones deciding if there is a need to take it further. (at least if the school has any worries). Being poor is not a valid reason here for your child to not have clothing, we have social welfare and it is your duty as a parent to make sure that your child have clothes for summer/winter and enough to be clean. Oubviously still a lot less than not poor children. If the parents can't do this, part of my job in doing this would be to see if they need any help. Do they know how to apply for social welfare, do they know how to make a budget, are there abuse or other problems getting in the way? Then we try to help them with this.

    So here in Sweden, contacting social services, would be the right thing to do. That probably doesn't help you at all because the US is different, and social services there don't work the same way (I wouldn't know). But I thought I offer the information anyways.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    I am a social worker and I work doing family assessments and helping children and families in need. And the things you describe are very common signs of neglect and/or poverty. They doesn't have to be, but they can be. I also didn't get how old the kid is, so it depends on that.

    I work in sweden, so I understand that the help offered to families in need in the states are different. Here, the school would be obliged to contact social services and then we would be the ones deciding if there is a need to take it further. (at least if the school has any worries). Being poor is not a valid reason here for your child to not have clothing, we have social welfare and it is your duty as a parent to make sure that your child have clothes for summer/winter and enough to be clean. Oubviously still a lot less than not poor children. If the parents can't do this, part of my job in doing this would be to see if they need any help. Do they know how to apply for social welfare, do they know how to make a budget, are there abuse or other problems getting in the way? Then we try to help them with this.

    So here in Sweden, contacting social services, would be the right thing to do. That probably doesn't help you at all because the US is different, and social services there don't work the same way (I wouldn't know). But I thought I offer the information anyways.

    This is a terrible idea... :noway: :huh:
  • FoodFitnessTravel
    FoodFitnessTravel Posts: 294 Member
    this made me cry. i want to adopt her
  • The_Raspberry
    The_Raspberry Posts: 84 Member
    I am a social worker and I work doing family assessments and helping children and families in need. And the things you describe are very common signs of neglect and/or poverty. They doesn't have to be, but they can be. I also didn't get how old the kid is, so it depends on that.

    I work in sweden, so I understand that the help offered to families in need in the states are different. Here, the school would be obliged to contact social services and then we would be the ones deciding if there is a need to take it further. (at least if the school has any worries). Being poor is not a valid reason here for your child to not have clothing, we have social welfare and it is your duty as a parent to make sure that your child have clothes for summer/winter and enough to be clean. Oubviously still a lot less than not poor children. If the parents can't do this, part of my job in doing this would be to see if they need any help. Do they know how to apply for social welfare, do they know how to make a budget, are there abuse or other problems getting in the way? Then we try to help them with this.

    So here in Sweden, contacting social services, would be the right thing to do. That probably doesn't help you at all because the US is different, and social services there don't work the same way (I wouldn't know). But I thought I offer the information anyways.

    This is a terrible idea... :noway: :huh:

    Haha, yes, it probably is over there. Becuase it doesn't work the same over there as it does here. Which is why I wrote that it probably won't help at all. Just thought it could be a good idea to share how it would be handled in another system. sorry if confusing.
  • yopeeps025
    yopeeps025 Posts: 8,680 Member
    this made me cry. i want to adopt her

    Would skinny bf like that?
  • Galatea_Stone
    Galatea_Stone Posts: 2,037 Member
    Two words, OP.

    Skate punk.
  • sabified
    sabified Posts: 1,035 Member
    I think your heart is in the right place, but unless its a safety thing (not a style thing) I would stay out of it. By safety I mean it's 20 degrees outside and they are walking to school with no jacket. But even then, it could just be who they are. I have an adult friend who grew up in Michigan, and for whatever reason it is a point of pride that she wears sandals here in NC year round, even on the rare occasion that it gets down in the teens. I also remember in elementary school a kid named Matt (also from somewhere up north) that would wear shorts year round. Heck, there is a guy two offices down from me from Canada that does this. Like it's a "I'm a tough northerner, this isn't cold silly southerners" kind of thing, lol.

    So, I think the idea of approaching the school would be good if you saw a kid and were genuinely concerned for their safety. Then a teacher can ask, "hey aren't you cold? Do you have a coat?" and they might explain that they are always hot or whatever. But this doesn't sound like a safety issue, just lots of assumptions.

    I totally have this type of mentality... but now I live in the desert and the AC's are kicking my *kitten* :( But real cold, I can handle. I don't need no coat!!

    OP, your heart is in the right place but you're making a lot of assumptions. Give to charity- as others have suggested maybe the school has a clothing or food drive, or find some other means of making things available to people in need. If this kid needs it, chances are her family is going to those types of places. If she doesn't, someone who does will get it.
  • ink_b1tch
    ink_b1tch Posts: 101
    Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

    I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.

    I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO. I guess they could hand wash it in a bucket. When did kids start running parents?
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

    I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.


    I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO. I guess they could hand wash it in a bucket. When did kids start running parents?

    I think it's called picking your battles.
  • mommyrunning
    mommyrunning Posts: 495 Member
    Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

    I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.

    I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO. I guess they could hand wash it in a bucket. When did kids start running parents?

    Not trying to be argumentative but letting your kids choose what to wear to school is not them running their parents. Your reasons for not wanting to allow that seem valid and I see no problem with your choice. But that doesn't mean that another parent who allows their kids to pick their clothes is letting their kids run them. Giving kids choices and responsibility is part of teaching them. There can be compromises between parent desires and kid desires which also teaches valuable lessons.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

    I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.

    I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO. I guess they could hand wash it in a bucket. When did kids start running parents?

    2574445-4236261275-okaay.gif
  • Galatea_Stone
    Galatea_Stone Posts: 2,037 Member
    Looks that way....those shorts would be gone, and that is a battle worth picking. I got 3 teenage or preteen girls, I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

    I do agree that if they want to wear the same thing everyday then it would be appropriate to require them to wash them themselves. But if they are willing to do the work then I see no harm in letting them wear the same ones. Though if it's their favorite maybe buying a few pairs would be good.

    I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO. I guess they could hand wash it in a bucket. When did kids start running parents?

    2574445-4236261275-okaay.gif

    Inorite? Good lord, it's a pair of shorts that I hate that she loves (that she bought with her own money at Walmart). The hour of reading that she has to do every night to stay in her magnet program matters a whole lot more to me than a silly pair of shorts. My battles have been picked, and given that she's a driven, ambitious child with a strong sense of self accomplishment, I'm sure I'll have an interesting time at 13, but I'm also sure that my battle will be keeping her from beating herself up for getting a B. Besides, I'd be kind of sad to have a milquetoast little girl who didn't stand up for herself.

    And I'm also okay with people being judgmental. My ability to care what others think of me is close to nonexistent.
  • SunofaBeach14
    SunofaBeach14 Posts: 4,899 Member
    Obviously I don't know the exact situation, but I can tell you that my wonderful daughter (who owns more clothes than my husband and I combined) insists on wearing the same jean shorts to school every single day. I have begged and pleaded with her to change her clothes. I am constantly washing them. .

    I am constantly washing them. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, those shorts would disappear. You are the parent, you are in charge, you make the rules.


    Until you 8 year old daughter is in the garage in the trash can with tears streaming down her face in a panic over them, that is. When she digs them out and is crying real tears, you realize that children are people entitled to their on personal sense of style. My daughter wore a pair of jean shorts to school today that she tries to put on every morning. Today it wasn't worth the argument, and she left happy. I also got to sit and enjoy helping her with her reading instead of screaming about a pair of hideous jean shorts.

    My daughter is very much like me. She has a closet full of pretty clothes, and she sometimes leaves the house looking like a bag lady. Stripes with plaids with mismatched socks and all. Her dad's a lawyer. If someone showed up at our big house with clothes for her, I'd laugh, but I'd tell them to eff off.

    I never allowed the habit to form so that ^^this did not happen with my 3 girls btw 19, 13, 11. Been through some tears but letting them become spoiled with bad habits,NO, just No! Have fun with that as she turns 13!

    No way that I'm micromanaging my kid over things that don't matter. Personal hygiene and grades? Damn skippy I care about that. A quirky sense of style? It's genetic and I enjoy what she puts together. Mine evolved into an affinity for custom suits. Let the church ladies of the world enjoy their false umbrage.
  • jenniemarie91
    jenniemarie91 Posts: 37 Member
    Going back to the original post - as a public school teacher in the US, I can assure you that if there is a problem, the school is working with the family to help them with their basic needs.....if they need it. :)
  • mullycathNZ
    mullycathNZ Posts: 64 Member
    I am not doing wash daily, Friday only

    I have a family of 7, so running washing machine and dryer using up extra power and water, NO just NO.

    A family of 7 and you wash once a week - geez what fun your Friday must be! And using "extra power and water" to run the machine ermmm, no - you would still be running it the same amount of times just spread over the week instead of all in one day. I have 3 in my family and still wash (full loads) 3 x a week.
  • mereditheve
    mereditheve Posts: 142 Member
    I want to offer another perspective. Going through this girl's school is the most intrusive way of simply giving her a gift. How would you feel if I went to your boss after seeing your work outfits weren't very stylish, and asked that your boss give you some new suits that I would pay for? It would be humiliating! Not only did some unknown stranger notice you, but instead of having the courage to stop you and simply show a kind gesture, they are now intruding in your work life.

    Give the girl a gift card for a nearby clothing store so she can pick out some new clothes if she wants. Show some kindness directly -- that's what kindness is.

    The bolded portion of your answer gives me chills. If some random person gave my pre-teen daughter a gift card, they would be getting a visit by the local police. Not a wise choice in this day of predators.

    I second (or is it 3rd) in giving a donation of clothes to the school if they have a food/clothes bank. Let the guidance counselor handle the process. She/he is probably in a better position to know the story in the family (if there is one).

    There are so many ways to help people in your community, but inserting yourself into the situation, when you are merely guessing at the circumstances is not helpful.


    Police no. You would see me knocking at your door if it was my kid.

    I guess it depends on where you live. I've lived/worked on the east and west coasts and outside of the lower 48 and think people are a little more laid back over on the west coast and in Hawaii... a little random act of kindness card that says "No reason, just something to brighten another person's day!" with a Macy's or TJ Maxx $25 gift card is nice. I think of it the same way as the people who pay your meter when it's about to run out -- not saying you're poor or that they're better than you, but just showing kindness. Plus I picture the OP as a nice woman, not some creepy old man giving a little girl candy to lure her into his van.

Categories