Mom is bringing me down
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This is the saddest post I have ever read. I have four daughters and I always told them how beautiful they were and how they should never believe anything bad that a school mate might say to them to bring them down. There is so much cruelty in the world that home is the one place a child should feel safe. Your mother is a very unkind person. I am so sorry for you. I hope you can help her see the error of her ways. Perhaps her own self esteem is so poor that she tries to bring everyone else down to her level? I don't know. But you should definitely ignore her terrible remarks. You are a beautiful person of great worth.0
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I havent dealt with my nasty, manipulative, abusive, mean parents in twenty years. It took a long time for me to get to the point where I decided that the relationship was not good for me and never had been. 22 is pretty young and I was quite a bit older than you when I was really able to make that decision.
I will just say that it was the best decision I had made and I found myself calmer and happier and I don't regret that decision at all. Your mother is abusive, do what is best for you0 -
My mother is NPD (narcissistic personality disordered) and has ALWAYS used this against me, along with many other tools in her arsenal. I've tried sending clothes back, and I get the guilt trip right on top of it. It's so abusive that it's not worth it to me to go through it.
Everything she sends me now, I donate to local charities. People who actually wear these sizes can use them, and I avoid triggering her NPD. So everyone's happy and the world goes 'round.
I cam empathize completely and fully, OP. This is abuse, no two ways about it.I have to say, a lot of folks on this thread are suggesting pretty extreme measures. Cutting people out of your life doesn't work.
Not saying the OP is in my situation, but if you're living with someone with full-blown NPD, the above DOES work and it's the only way you'll ever get any peace. Just saying.0 -
What the hell? NO!! Creep!:indifferent: :noway: :grumble:
aww your so sweet .. add me as a friend lets chat , since my mom dont talk to me cause im fat
If It helps I think your skinny!its ok my mom calls me fat too. i think im just right but my mom calls me a fat a**
:huh: :huh: :huh:
Troll status = amateur
Good call Jason. I was JUST thinking that.0 -
I have to say, a lot of folks on this thread are suggesting pretty extreme measures. Cutting people out of your life doesn't work. The issue is still there.
excuse me what???
the issue is the mom: who is completely inappropriate and out of line.
There is absolutely no dependence at 22.
Remove mom from your life- you remove the issue.
if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.
There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.0 -
My advice... remind her the old saying "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!"
Let her know that if she cannot be a positive influence and supportive, then she needs to distanced. Make it known to her that you want a healthy relationship with her and that her fat shaming you or buying you clothes that she knows are too big is not the way to accomplish this. You have to be willing to stand your ground though and not back down. Ask her what she would do if she encountered someone else saying or doing those things to you. Would she defend you, or join in? If she would join in, you need to break away and distance yourself until she gets the concept of being a loving and supportive MOTHER!
Good luck, and don't allow her or anyone else to discourage you.0 -
My mother is NPD (narcissistic personality disordered) and has ALWAYS used this against me, along with many other tools in her arsenal. I've tried sending clothes back, and I get the guilt trip right on top of it. It's so abusive that it's not worth it to me to go through it.
Everything she sends me now, I donate to local charities. People who actually wear these sizes can use them, and I avoid triggering her NPD. So everyone's happy and the world goes 'round.
I cam empathize completely and fully, OP. This is abuse, no two ways about it.I have to say, a lot of folks on this thread are suggesting pretty extreme measures. Cutting people out of your life doesn't work.
Not saying the OP is in my situation, but if you're living with someone with full-blown NPD, the above DOES work and it's the only way you'll ever get any peace. Just saying.
Exactly. How much is this poor girl supposed to put up with? Limiting exposure to toxic people is not cutting them out. It's expressing independence and healthy self-saving behavior..0 -
this is my life story too! We should start an NPD children support group. Gee why do I have a weight/body issue?0
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And just accept that it's an ongoing thing, and it's going to be several conversations before she really gets it in her head.
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NOBODY should ever have to accept abuse as an ongoing thing, EVER!!!! Would you tell someone that is being abused by their spouse to just accept it because they are family? No way! If you are in an abusive relationship of any kind whether it is family or not, you do NOT have to accept it and deal with it and you shouldn't. Abuse is abuse. If she is unwilling to see what she is doing to her daughter and make a healthy change, then she should not be in her life until she does.0 -
I have to say, a lot of folks on this thread are suggesting pretty extreme measures. Cutting people out of your life doesn't work. The issue is still there.
excuse me what???
the issue is the mom: who is completely inappropriate and out of line.
There is absolutely no dependence at 22.
Remove mom from your life- you remove the issue.
if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.
There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.
So say us all. I mean, we need to stop thinking that mothers are ALL nice ladies who want nothing but the very best for their kids, make cookies for them after school, are always supportive, are best friends, and always ask their childrens advice on how they want to be treated. That ain't the case with A LOT of people.
Some mothers are f*cked up with a capital F especially the self-serving, passive-aggressive, narcissistic crazy ones who still don't take responsibilty for choosing to have children and choosing to not try to understand them.
I love my mother, more than she can imagine, but she's nuts and wants to still blame someone else for her bad choices.
While we are trying to figure out how to make them happy, we are getting older and forgetting to make ourselves happy.0 -
Grab her favorite Elvis Presley commemorative plate off the shelf and smash it on the ground.0
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if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.
There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.
I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.
Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day. Yes, that's a fact. But it's HER problem, not OP's. And the fact is there's a pretty small likelihood that the OP will cut off her mother over this. And honestly, it's pretty childish to suggest it. Which is why I think the best advice is to tell OP how to actually deal with the problem. Telling her to walk away is silly.0 -
this is my life story too! We should start an NPD children support group. Gee why do I have a weight/body issue?
Seriously. It's because of my mom that I was so messed up about being flat-chested, getting my period late and not knowing about how to get rid of facial hair. She was a beautician when we were younger, for christ's sake.0 -
hahahahahaGrab her favorite Elvis Presley commemorative plate off the shelf and smash it on the ground.0 -
I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.
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You're joking right?
"My mother has ALWAYS called me fat... even when I was actually a healthy weight in high school I was still "too big for any guy to find me attractive"
> THIS DOESN"T SEEM TOXIC AND UNHEALTHY?????
WOW....0 -
THIS X 1000! It sounds harsh simply because we expect blood relatives to love us unconditionally. Sadly, the real world does NOT work that way. This thread is heart-breaking to me. I was no perfect mother but I cannot imagine saying things like that to my child! That is purposefully hurtful. No excuses. OP, work on gaining independence first and then YOU control the relationship with your mother. If she is positive and helpful, you'll spend time with her. If she is not, you will not see or talk to her. Set your boundaries and enforce them!I have to say, a lot of folks on this thread are suggesting pretty extreme measures. Cutting people out of your life doesn't work. The issue is still there.
excuse me what???
the issue is the mom: who is completely inappropriate and out of line.
There is absolutely no dependence at 22.
Remove mom from your life- you remove the issue.
if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.
There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.0 -
GET HARD!!! thank her for the "gifts"... BUY a large garbage can... Label it "Mom's gifts/Donations" Then have her over for dinner.. and tell her that you are going to have a little fashion show...try everything on in front of her.. then Toss it into the "donation bin".
ask her politely if your "show" has enlightened her as to what an appropriate size a gift should be... IF not.. then she should know that all future gifts will go into the donation bin.
and if she (mom) refuses to BE supportive then for your own peace of mind you need to reduce interaction with her to special occasions...0 -
She used to be really really obese when she was in high school... .but I mean like almost 300 pounds. She's like 140 now I think. So idk if her being bullied as a kid made her crazy and angsty towards me or something...does your mom see herself as fat too? if you fit a medium and she sees you as an xxl she might have some issues.... like the kind people with eating disorders have...
not making excuses but it just red flags me...
i dont know how to make moms stop fat shaming, my mom has been doing it to a lesser degree since junior high school.0 -
I too had to cut out my mother from my life for a while. Oddly, it was for the opposite reason than the OP, but still hurtful. My mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, cousins, etc. are all overweight (always have been) and are all either diabetic or borderline. In my teens I knew I didn't want this to be my fate so I started exercising and watching what I ate. I stayed a fairly healthy weight even through 2 pregnancies. Instead of accepting that I CHOSE to take control over my own life, my mother started telling people that it was because I had an eating disorder.
That, coupled with a few other issues, made me realize I did not need the toxicity in my life. Fifteen years later she's trying to reach out and repair the relationship. I'm open to it and trying. But it is on MY terms only.
OP, again, it is a long, hard road, but now that you are 22 you have to remove yourself from the "child" part of your relationship with your mother. You are an adult and she will either treat you as one or she won't see you.0 -
We fight... a lot. We disagree on so many moral and personal standards, and if I don't agree with her I'm a "horrible child"... then she'll go for months with not talking to me.... which I'm actually fine with. Then after a while she'll start talking to me and saying "I need you in my life" or "I'm trying to atone for my past, let it go and just forgive me" .... and of course, I'm a sucker.Just curious, are all your interactions with you mom like this, or only when weight comes up? Do you have any good times with her?
I think we have a good time like... 10% of the time we're ever together.0 -
22.
I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?
It sounds more like she's using you to feel good about herself by tearing you down. If you have discussed this with her and she tells you you're blowing it out of proportion, time to cut off contact for awhile (or forever).
^^^This.
I really feel for you. With my mom, nobody is allowed to have any feelings. She would tell me that I am being ridiculous when I would try to talk to her about anything she was doing wrong. I am 36, with 4 kids of my own, and I finally made the decision to end my toxic relationship with her a few months ago.
If she is a constant negative influence in your life, think hard about how long you want her to effect your life like that. It got worse for me when I had kids. I know that my love for my kids would never allow me to do what my mom did to me.
I think I won the parent jackpot with my dad, too. He constantly reminded me that he's not even sure if he's my dad. Finally cut that relationship off a few months ago as well. Interesting that once I cut both my parents out of my life, I'm happier and I have lost almost 40 pounds.0 -
if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.
There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.
I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.
Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day. Yes, that's a fact. But it's HER problem, not OP's. And the fact is there's a pretty small likelihood that the OP will cut off her mother over this. And honestly, it's pretty childish to suggest it. Which is why I think the best advice is to tell OP how to actually deal with the problem. Telling her to walk away is silly.
let me snip this together for you
try reading it againI'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy.
really???
from the OP:Whenever I go over to her house she offers me some of her "fat" clothes (and yes, she does call them that and say it that way to my face). It's really hurtful and I've tried telling her that... and she says I'm being too sensitive.
And sometimes, ya know, she sends me clothes that would "look cute on me" or "they would fit me just right".... she always buys me xl or xxl.... so they're huge on me. I try explaining to her that (shirt/jacket wise) I can fit into a medium. .... but she never listens. I feel like she's indirectly reminding me that I'll always be "fat" in her eyes...
buuut buuuuut you sayHer mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day
can you please explain to me how someone calling their grown *kitten* adult child fat on a constant basis is "common"Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all -
NOPE NOPE NOPE
at no point in my life has my mother EVER EVER called me fat. Or given me clothes that were 2-3 sizes to big. That is 100% NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR. Having a heart felt conversation about weight and size and wellness is one thing- but flat out calling someone fat and "oh here have my fat clothes" and regularly buying over sized things? Seriously that's so unhealthy.
It's REGULAR and consistent and then mom minimizes the feelings- that's called gas lighting- and manipulative people do it to make you feel like it's just you being over sensitive- not them being complete jacka$$es.
you say "i'm not trying to make it seem trivial because it's not" but those words you use even are trivializing it - just saying "it's common mother daughter behavior" no- it's not. YOU ARE TRIVIALIZING IT. YOU"RE DOING THE SAME THING.
Explain to me how it's JUST the mother's problem- it's absolutely NOT the mother's problem- she doesn't even have to deal with the fall out -it's 100% on the OP to deal with this negativity.
And at some point in your life you have to realize- YOU control your life. And if people are putting in to much negativity and stressing you out and not making your life richer and more full- why are you keeping them around??
I have several extremely healthy relationships- one of which was EXTREMELY toxic- my best friend was an alcoholic and after 2 years of struggling by her side- I finally said- get your *kitten* together and then maybe we'll talk- but I can't deal with you any more. Guess what- almost a year of no contact later- we resume our relationship with some really truly heartfelt conversations and our lives were better for it.
But don't keep toxic people in your life. If they aren't making your life better and contributing to the fullness of your life- why keep them? LIfe is way to short to deal with constant on going negativity and someone who minimizes your feelings and emotions all the time.
Nope nope nope.0 -
We don't all come from "Courier and Ives" type homes. Quit trying to make your relationship with your Mom into one and realize you have to take care of yourself.0
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Umm... actually my therapist has also said she is toxic and that it "may be wise" to get her out of my life.... We have a really ****ty past together and, yes, it was full of abuse.
if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.
There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.
I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.
Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day. Yes, that's a fact. But it's HER problem, not OP's. And the fact is there's a pretty small likelihood that the OP will cut off her mother over this. And honestly, it's pretty childish to suggest it. Which is why I think the best advice is to tell OP how to actually deal with the problem. Telling her to walk away is silly.
It's just really hard when she says things like "I'm trying to make up for the past" and I ... I guess I fall for it. I give her chance after chance. I just don't want to abandon her ... I couldn't stand if my child did that to me...0 -
Wow. Emotionally exhausting. Some parents don't realize they are being hyper critical, but clearly, your mother is doing this on purpose. I am all for ending toxic relationships, but it's hard because, no matter what, we all love our moms. That said, you definitely need to limit your exposure. Tell her how you feel, and that if she insists on going down that road...just leave. If you keep leaving every time she says negative things about your weight, (and no, you are not being oversensitive- blaming the victim here) then she will eventually get the message if she truly desires a relationship with you. Every time my 2 year old whined, I'd leave the room. Being nasty, whiney, or negative need an audience. Don't give her one. Best of everything and good luck.0
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I think we have a good time like... 10% of the time we're ever together.
this makes me sad.
I came from a good home- with a family who deeply loved/loves me. And while we do not get along ALL the time- and we deeply disagree on many things- my parents raised me to think for myself- and they respect me as my own 'soveriegn' being... and really- if you NEVER have a good time with someone- don't keep them in your life.
It's not worth it- you can make it a point to see her once in a while for lunch- but no long extended visits/stays- no gift giving no nothing- and the leash is short when you are there. Any type of inappropriate behavior needs to be addressed quickly.
They don't' have to like it- but you are your own sovereign body- protect yourself.0 -
Obviously your mom's behavior is way out of line...something is wrong with her. But...this is no reflection on you. You need to accept that something is wrong with her and figure out how you're going to deal with that, while not accepting what she says about you. It's a tough road, but hopefully you'll find the healing you need. Good luck.0
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Umm... actually my therapist has also said she is toxic and that it "may be wise" to get her out of my life.... We have a really ****ty past together and, yes, it was full of abuse.
if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.
There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.
I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.
Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day. Yes, that's a fact. But it's HER problem, not OP's. And the fact is there's a pretty small likelihood that the OP will cut off her mother over this. And honestly, it's pretty childish to suggest it. Which is why I think the best advice is to tell OP how to actually deal with the problem. Telling her to walk away is silly.
It's just really hard when she says things like "I'm trying to make up for the past" and I ... I guess I fall for it. I give her chance after chance. I just don't want to abandon her ... I couldn't stand if my child did that to me...
Your therapist knows a whole lot more about what your mom has done than we do, and she is telling you the relationship is bad for you, cut and run. For years, I have wanted to see a therapist, and I really wish I had. Maybe I wouldn't have wasted so much of my life trying to fix a relationship that just couldn't be fixed.0 -
Obviously your mom's behavior is way out of line...something is wrong with her. But...this is no reflection on you. You need to accept that something is wrong with her and figure out how you're going to deal with that, while not accepting what she says about you. It's a tough road, but hopefully you'll find the healing you need. Good luck.
this.
sorry to say this but if this person wasnt your mom, you'd say she was acting like a nasty ol b*tch.
you deserve to be treated better and this woman is bringing you down.0 -
Ok your Mom has her own issues she needs to work out, I personally don't think you should stand for that crap, but if you are going to then you need to keep calling her out when she is being negative... it's not healthy.
Also curious - how tall are you? Your weight from your ticker is definitely not "big"!0
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