Mom is bringing me down

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Replies

  • 22.
    I've tried and she sorta just.... blows it off or says I'm over reacting....
    I know it's an unhealthy relationship... but it's hard to cut it off b/c it's my mom.
    We have a very rocky past and she's always trying to "fix that" .... so part of me is trying to see it as her actually trying....
    but maybe I'm just fooling myself ya know?

    It sounds more like she's using you to feel good about herself by tearing you down. If you have discussed this with her and she tells you you're blowing it out of proportion, time to cut off contact for awhile (or forever).

    ^^^This.

    I really feel for you. With my mom, nobody is allowed to have any feelings. She would tell me that I am being ridiculous when I would try to talk to her about anything she was doing wrong. I am 36, with 4 kids of my own, and I finally made the decision to end my toxic relationship with her a few months ago.

    If she is a constant negative influence in your life, think hard about how long you want her to effect your life like that. It got worse for me when I had kids. I know that my love for my kids would never allow me to do what my mom did to me.

    I think I won the parent jackpot with my dad, too. He constantly reminded me that he's not even sure if he's my dad. Finally cut that relationship off a few months ago as well. Interesting that once I cut both my parents out of my life, I'm happier and I have lost almost 40 pounds.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,552 Member

    if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.

    There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.

    I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.

    Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day. Yes, that's a fact. But it's HER problem, not OP's. And the fact is there's a pretty small likelihood that the OP will cut off her mother over this. And honestly, it's pretty childish to suggest it. Which is why I think the best advice is to tell OP how to actually deal with the problem. Telling her to walk away is silly.

    let me snip this together for you
    I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy.
    try reading it again
    really???
    from the OP:
    Whenever I go over to her house she offers me some of her "fat" clothes (and yes, she does call them that and say it that way to my face). It's really hurtful and I've tried telling her that... and she says I'm being too sensitive.
    And sometimes, ya know, she sends me clothes that would "look cute on me" or "they would fit me just right".... she always buys me xl or xxl.... so they're huge on me. I try explaining to her that (shirt/jacket wise) I can fit into a medium. .... but she never listens. I feel like she's indirectly reminding me that I'll always be "fat" in her eyes...
    Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day
    buuut buuuuut you say
    Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all -
    can you please explain to me how someone calling their grown *kitten* adult child fat on a constant basis is "common"

    NOPE NOPE NOPE
    at no point in my life has my mother EVER EVER called me fat. Or given me clothes that were 2-3 sizes to big. That is 100% NOT APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR. Having a heart felt conversation about weight and size and wellness is one thing- but flat out calling someone fat and "oh here have my fat clothes" and regularly buying over sized things? Seriously that's so unhealthy.

    It's REGULAR and consistent and then mom minimizes the feelings- that's called gas lighting- and manipulative people do it to make you feel like it's just you being over sensitive- not them being complete jacka$$es.

    you say "i'm not trying to make it seem trivial because it's not" but those words you use even are trivializing it - just saying "it's common mother daughter behavior" no- it's not. YOU ARE TRIVIALIZING IT. YOU"RE DOING THE SAME THING.

    Explain to me how it's JUST the mother's problem- it's absolutely NOT the mother's problem- she doesn't even have to deal with the fall out -it's 100% on the OP to deal with this negativity.

    And at some point in your life you have to realize- YOU control your life. And if people are putting in to much negativity and stressing you out and not making your life richer and more full- why are you keeping them around??

    I have several extremely healthy relationships- one of which was EXTREMELY toxic- my best friend was an alcoholic and after 2 years of struggling by her side- I finally said- get your *kitten* together and then maybe we'll talk- but I can't deal with you any more. Guess what- almost a year of no contact later- we resume our relationship with some really truly heartfelt conversations and our lives were better for it.

    But don't keep toxic people in your life. If they aren't making your life better and contributing to the fullness of your life- why keep them? LIfe is way to short to deal with constant on going negativity and someone who minimizes your feelings and emotions all the time.

    Nope nope nope.
  • paulandrachelk
    paulandrachelk Posts: 280 Member
    We don't all come from "Courier and Ives" type homes. Quit trying to make your relationship with your Mom into one and realize you have to take care of yourself.
  • TasteofEnvy
    TasteofEnvy Posts: 123 Member

    if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.

    There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.

    I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.

    Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day. Yes, that's a fact. But it's HER problem, not OP's. And the fact is there's a pretty small likelihood that the OP will cut off her mother over this. And honestly, it's pretty childish to suggest it. Which is why I think the best advice is to tell OP how to actually deal with the problem. Telling her to walk away is silly.
    Umm... actually my therapist has also said she is toxic and that it "may be wise" to get her out of my life.... We have a really ****ty past together and, yes, it was full of abuse.
    It's just really hard when she says things like "I'm trying to make up for the past" and I ... I guess I fall for it. I give her chance after chance. I just don't want to abandon her ... I couldn't stand if my child did that to me...
  • Discoqueen77
    Discoqueen77 Posts: 61 Member
    Wow. Emotionally exhausting. Some parents don't realize they are being hyper critical, but clearly, your mother is doing this on purpose. I am all for ending toxic relationships, but it's hard because, no matter what, we all love our moms. That said, you definitely need to limit your exposure. Tell her how you feel, and that if she insists on going down that road...just leave. If you keep leaving every time she says negative things about your weight, (and no, you are not being oversensitive- blaming the victim here) then she will eventually get the message if she truly desires a relationship with you. Every time my 2 year old whined, I'd leave the room. Being nasty, whiney, or negative need an audience. Don't give her one. Best of everything and good luck.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,552 Member
    I think we have a good time like... 10% of the time we're ever together.

    this makes me sad.

    I came from a good home- with a family who deeply loved/loves me. And while we do not get along ALL the time- and we deeply disagree on many things- my parents raised me to think for myself- and they respect me as my own 'soveriegn' being... and really- if you NEVER have a good time with someone- don't keep them in your life.

    It's not worth it- you can make it a point to see her once in a while for lunch- but no long extended visits/stays- no gift giving no nothing- and the leash is short when you are there. Any type of inappropriate behavior needs to be addressed quickly.

    They don't' have to like it- but you are your own sovereign body- protect yourself.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,346 Member
    Obviously your mom's behavior is way out of line...something is wrong with her. But...this is no reflection on you. You need to accept that something is wrong with her and figure out how you're going to deal with that, while not accepting what she says about you. It's a tough road, but hopefully you'll find the healing you need. Good luck.

  • if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.

    There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.

    I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.

    Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day. Yes, that's a fact. But it's HER problem, not OP's. And the fact is there's a pretty small likelihood that the OP will cut off her mother over this. And honestly, it's pretty childish to suggest it. Which is why I think the best advice is to tell OP how to actually deal with the problem. Telling her to walk away is silly.
    Umm... actually my therapist has also said she is toxic and that it "may be wise" to get her out of my life.... We have a really ****ty past together and, yes, it was full of abuse.
    It's just really hard when she says things like "I'm trying to make up for the past" and I ... I guess I fall for it. I give her chance after chance. I just don't want to abandon her ... I couldn't stand if my child did that to me...

    Your therapist knows a whole lot more about what your mom has done than we do, and she is telling you the relationship is bad for you, cut and run. For years, I have wanted to see a therapist, and I really wish I had. Maybe I wouldn't have wasted so much of my life trying to fix a relationship that just couldn't be fixed.
  • Skinny_minny_mo
    Skinny_minny_mo Posts: 1,272 Member
    Obviously your mom's behavior is way out of line...something is wrong with her. But...this is no reflection on you. You need to accept that something is wrong with her and figure out how you're going to deal with that, while not accepting what she says about you. It's a tough road, but hopefully you'll find the healing you need. Good luck.

    this.

    sorry to say this but if this person wasnt your mom, you'd say she was acting like a nasty ol b*tch.

    you deserve to be treated better and this woman is bringing you down.
  • lydiaannepage
    lydiaannepage Posts: 172 Member
    Ok your Mom has her own issues she needs to work out, I personally don't think you should stand for that crap, but if you are going to then you need to keep calling her out when she is being negative... it's not healthy.

    Also curious - how tall are you? Your weight from your ticker is definitely not "big"!
  • Falcon
    Falcon Posts: 853 Member
    Threaten to cut her out of your life.

    Just tell her if you can't respect me and cut out this **** I refuse to talk with you anymore.

    Walk out the door. This is not a healthy relationship and you don't need this ****.

    If this was someone else you tell would've told the person off. Time to pretend she's not your mom and just tell her off.
  • My grandmother was exactly the same way with me. I got down to a size 2 and was actually too thin for my body frame once. She wanted to have a photo taken with my mom, my daughter, me and her. She told me to stand in the back so that my fat thighs would not be showing in the photo. She then got mad because I would not smile in the photo, I was so hurt that I would never be good enough for her. Sadly I was her favorite. I cannot imagine how she treated everyone else.

    My daughter is a large girl, she has chosen to not eat healthy and since she is 18 I have no say. I try to set a good example and be supportive. That is all I can do. Being critical does nothing but bring others down.

    I may not ever be thin but I certainly will be healthy and that is enough for me
  • Umm... actually my therapist has also said she is toxic and that it "may be wise" to get her out of my life.... We have a really ****ty past together and, yes, it was full of abuse.
    It's just really hard when she says things like "I'm trying to make up for the past" and I ... I guess I fall for it. I give her chance after chance. I just don't want to abandon her ... I couldn't stand if my child did that to me...
    I can't imagine having to deal with this. I'm sad you have such a toxic mother and you're trying to be nice to her even though she puts you down like this.

    I guess my suggestion would be to tell her straight out what she is doing is putting you down. Make it super clear to her. Try to get the conversation to the point where she realizes it. Then tell her if she continues to do that you can't be around her. So then if she reverts to this kind of behavior, remind her you aren't going to put up with that anymore, walk out/hang up the phone.

    I'm imagining she would come back appologetic and it would all start over again though and if it did maybe give her an ultimatum that she see a therapist if she wants to have a relationship because of this cycle you guys are going through doesn't seem be be improving.

    I pretty much agree with the therapist that you should just cut her off, but if you really want to try to mend things, those are my two cents. Good luck.
  • emdeesea
    emdeesea Posts: 1,823 Member
    Cutting people out of your life doesn't work. The issue is still there.

    Baloney. It works great. And once the idiot is gone, the issue is gone with them.

    I am a firm believer in not forgiving people when their behavior calls for it. This "forgiveness is divine" thought is crap.

    You give her a couple of chances to straighten out her behavior then cut ties. She can live with her toxic self on her own.

    I've got a few toxic relatives who I've cut ties with. I don't have time to deal with their narcissistic and sociopathic BS. It's not my problem and life is too short.
  • Flab2fitfi
    Flab2fitfi Posts: 1,349 Member
    I have to say, a lot of folks on this thread are suggesting pretty extreme measures. Cutting people out of your life doesn't work. The issue is still there. And you're not going to resolve it 100%, either, by confronting it over and over again. Families don't work that way. The best you can do is improve the relationship and manage it without letting the problems get too extreme.


    I think the minute i got taken in to care and a judge rules my mother as unfit parent i have every right to cut her out of my life. If this was a friend and not a blood relative more people would say walk away. Just because I share the same DNA with another person does not mean I have to have a relationship with them.
  • BZAH10
    BZAH10 Posts: 5,591 Member
    I feel your pain! My mother has always been passive aggressive about my weight & my father was always extremely verbal (to the point where he is downright nasty) about my weight. It's hard to ignore the comments, because this is your family - the people who are supposed to love you for you!

    Recently, my mother started losing weight. When I complimented her on her weight loss, she was so proud and said that she lost 40 lbs. I told her how amazing that was, but she never made any comments about my weight loss. When I told her that I had gotten down into a size 10 pant, all she had to say was "Well, I'm in a size 8". No encouragement whatsoever, it just seemed like she was trying to compete with me. She's always been negative about overweight people because she was also an overweight child. One time when she was giving me a hard time, I told her I was fat because it's in my genes - that she was overweight when she was young, too. Her response - "I was never as big as you are". SO hurtful.
    I'm doing my best to ignore these mean and unsupportive comments, but it's easier said that done.
    I wish you the best of luck in this journey! Congrats on all your success so far!
    Well, I can say that I'm proud of you! What a change you've made - your picture looks great and your ticker is amazing! I'm so sorry you aren't given the support you deserve from your parents, but take pride in yourself every day that you've risen above it. It's not easy and it's never over; scars and memories will always be there, but they don't have to define you. YOU define you and YOU make yourself happy. Good job!

  • if you remove yourself FROM the person who is doing the damage- the issue DOES go away.

    There are people who are toxic and unhealthy- and it is perfectly legitimate and reasonable to remove them from your life. That's not extreme- that's normal and healthy behavior that more people should engage in more frequently and they would be a hell of a lot more content with who they are as a person.

    I'm sorry, but I see nothing in the OP's description that indicates her mother is toxic and unhealthy. Looks like pretty common mother-daughter stuff. I'm not saying the issue is trivial - not at all - but f you can't deal with conflicts like this in a healthy way, you're not going to be to make any relationship survive.

    Her mother failed big time in creating an environment that's safe and accepting, where her children can feel beautiful and worthy every day. Yes, that's a fact. But it's HER problem, not OP's. And the fact is there's a pretty small likelihood that the OP will cut off her mother over this. And honestly, it's pretty childish to suggest it. Which is why I think the best advice is to tell OP how to actually deal with the problem. Telling her to walk away is silly.
    Umm... actually my therapist has also said she is toxic and that it "may be wise" to get her out of my life.... We have a really ****ty past together and, yes, it was full of abuse.
    It's just really hard when she says things like "I'm trying to make up for the past" and I ... I guess I fall for it. I give her chance after chance. I just don't want to abandon her ... I couldn't stand if my child did that to me...

    If you were not quite right in the head, maybe you couldn't stand it. But a good mother would WANT her daughter to protect herself.

    Pretend there is a zombie epidemic going around. Good, mentally-healthy, loving mothers tell their children to kill them if they get bitten, to save themselves. A stable mother would not worry about how bad SHE'LL feel if her children run away from her , she's not worried that she'll be hungry if they run away, she's worried about her kids. So, pretend your mom is a zombie (and keep in mind that treatment like this can be contagious, as much as abuse victims hate it, they often in turn abuse their own kids). She won't kill you or eat you, but she's going to make you feel bad. She's going to make your life worse. Doing that gives her something she needs.

    I'm really sorry. 22 is so young, it's so tough to have to deal with this at an age when other girls have the support and help of their mothers to learn to navigate adult life. Your mom is making things harder. You deserve better. :(
  • Great_Mazinga
    Great_Mazinga Posts: 202 Member
    ToE,

    So sorry to hear about the backhanded and not so subtle insults from mom. She may even think she means well. Evenso, you have set some limits with family, even mom. If you're on otherwise good ground besides the weight comment, maybe you could make it clear that you can't spend time with her until she treats you respectfully. Tell her this in love, but you must stand up for yourself.

    One of the best books I've read on family relationships is Boundaries. It also applies to friendships, marriage, work, etc.

    I recommend reading and then passing it to your mom.

    This is the edition I read/have. I think there is a newer edition, if you prefer. Might even be an easy library check out.

    http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Paperback/dp/B0083IUP5G/ref=sr_1_14?ie=UTF8&qid=1411410710&sr=8-14&keywords=boundaries
  • jharwell58
    jharwell58 Posts: 30 Member
    I think you need to break off your relationship with your mother as soon as you can.

    This is the best advice I can think of as well.