Men strike back
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Replies
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Oh wow...I don't see you making a lot of female friends with this one ;P
Okay I admit it, I laughed.0 -
Oh, RoadDog, my husband is going to get a kick outta this one!!
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! This was so refreshing...especially after all the birth control and that time of the month posts lately. I can't wait to share with my boyfriend. He will get a kick outta these.0
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Hahahah, loved this one:
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.0 -
The Queen is not amused............
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Love it!0 -
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!0
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As always Awesome!0
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RoadDog, you are a very brave man... :bigsmile:0
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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
All in fun. Here's one at my expence to make amends.
A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.
"Did god make you?", she asked.
"Yes" he answered.
"Did god make me,to?" she wondered.
"Yes", he replied.
"Well, she shrugged, "don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?"0 -
why do all of women's problems begin with men? MENstrual cycle, MENopause, MENses, etc... :laugh:
YES!!!!!!!!!!! BAHAHAHAHA
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Your so bald, I can see what your thinking.
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
I had a dream you were a tire last night. I woke up and you were bald.
Why do bald-headed men never use keys?
Because they've lost their locks.0 -
I read these a while back and I thought they applied to this thread.
Mens Rules for Women
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Check your own oil! Please.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle0 -
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
All in fun. Here's one at my expence to make amends.
A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.
"Did god make you?", she asked.
"Yes" he answered.
"Did god make me,to?" she wondered.
"Yes", he replied.
"Well, she shrugged, "don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?"
LOVE it! I didn't take offense, I did feel like getting back at you, though. 0 -
.:laugh: :laugh: :devil: :smokin:0
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:laugh:0
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This was very good stuff. A good laugh is a great way to have a great day.
I'm glad to see there are a few other men here on MFP. :happy: :happy:0 -
:laugh: :laugh:
I always laugh at the ones that poke fun at guys too...life is too short to not have fun.:drinker:0 -
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
Hrmpf!
:laugh:0 -
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One of my favorites:
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile Cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom..
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound..
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates
and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :sad: <
that is me laughing so hard I am crying!!!0 -
15 reasons beer is better then women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
3. Beer stains wash out.
4. Beer doesn't have to get a new dress for a party.
5. Beer never has a headache.
6. When a beer goes flat, you just toss it out.
7. Beer is never late.
8. Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
9. Hangovers go away.
10. Beer doesn't talk back to you and ask a lot of silly questions.
11. Beer doesn't have a Mother that goes with it.
12. When your beer gets upset, it settles down.
13. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
14. A frigid beer is a good beer.
15. Beer doesn't have anniversaries for you to forget.0 -
The dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, you will find out who is really happy to see you!0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:The dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, you will find out who is really happy to see you!0 -
The dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, you will find out who is really happy to see you!
:laugh:
You better be prepared to shoot your wife, she'll be rabid after that. :laugh:0 -
Okay this is for the ladies,
What do you call a cowboy without a girlfriend? ...Homeless! ha ha0 -
The dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, you will find out who is really happy to see you!
:laugh:
You better be prepared to shoot your wife, she'll be rabid after that. :laugh:
I'm hoping she doesn't see it!
Good one Teddy!0
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