Others sabotaging efforts to lose weight...

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Replies

  • firststepformefal
    firststepformefal Posts: 180 Member
    Do not tell him. Get support from others, who will support you rather than sabotage you.
  • jillybeansalad
    jillybeansalad Posts: 239 Member
    I would communicate with him and tell him that actions like that make it difficult for you. Maybe explain to him what you would like to see as support? I would really hope that he would be supportive as your spouse.

    Some people just have no idea what is expected of them... common sense is not so common.
  • fluffyasacat
    fluffyasacat Posts: 242 Member
    Everyone's husband that I know does that, including mine.

    i]
  • LumberJacck
    LumberJacck Posts: 559 Member
    Put it in a bag for later.

    Later, throw out the bag.

    Later still, "That donut was delicious!"
  • TMM211073
    TMM211073 Posts: 153 Member
    Sabotage can only happen if you let it happen....

    One donut isn't going to make you fat anyway, so what harm is there in saying yes - just factor it into your day, or the rest of the week, by cutting back on something else.

    The other option is find a new husband, because the one you have is seriously defective - if my husband shoved food in my face (whether I wanted it or not) I would break his nose.... That is domestic abuse....!!

    xXx
  • Patttience
    Patttience Posts: 975 Member
    A lot of people, most perhaps, don't really get it when we assert ourselves saying something different to what they are used to from us. People seem to be just unable to take each other seriously. If you can't get yourself taken seriously, try just keeping your stuff to yourself and finding other ways to follow through with your plans until you are feeling stronger and ready to tackle his lack of support.

    So rather than pushing up against a brick wall. Try to just start your diet without talking about it. Try to do it on your own and find support elsewhere.

    You can do this every time he shows up with tempting foods. He will get it after a while. But it sounds like it would be a very tough situation.

    if he doesn't know you are trying to lose weight, he might not think about pushing your buttons so deliberately. But if you want him to stop his sabotaging behaviour, you will make him realise you are really pissed off and need him to toe the line. To get him to listen and take notice of you, you might have to communicate in a way that's different than how you usually do it. Silence can be good. Or you could try to doing a deal with him. LIsten, so long as you keep trying to sabotage my weightloss efforts, i'm not going to xyz for you (be it cooking, doing his laundry, or whatever) and then stick to it. Just a suggestion.
  • CheeriOkie
    CheeriOkie Posts: 6
    Wow... I have to admit I never even considered it domestic abuse. I still don't I guess. Maybe I am a little messed up. Now that I read all the responses and contemplate his behavior, I kind of feel badly for HIM, not myself.

    Maybe he is trying to keep things "the way they are" or maybe he is trying to show me he is ok with how I am. Before me, he has always dated heavy women. Some much heavier than me. His mother is extremely heavy. I don't know if he finds it attractive or comforting or if he is insecure of where we will go if I lose weight. He has never ever told me to lose weight or said I was to heavy. He does however make fun of heavy women and joke about the weight of others. THAT really hurts me. it is really hard to understand why he would do such a thing. Why he would try to get me to eat the very things that has made me this way? Why would he laugh about other women as heavy as I am and yet say "I am not talking about YOU!"

    No, I am not going to give in. I understand it is totally my choice to open my mouth and ingest what I do. I am just trying to understand the WHY behind the things in my life. but when he did that, I kind of felt bad for HIM. When I saw him sit in the car driving down the road and eating four donuts before we even got home, chasing it with a Mountain Dew, I knew he was abusing his body. Maybe not consciously, but that is what it was.

    Again, thanks everyone. This is going to be a long journey for me. Forty pounds seems like such a small number, but it is very difficult to lose. Especially for me.
  • Bukawww
    Bukawww Posts: 159 Member
    My husband does stuff like this. Sometimes I know that it is his own unwillingness to change what he knows he should about himself (he would call me in the middle of my racquetball game, ask me what I was doing (he knew...), and ask me to pick up garbage food on my way home. Those times I truly did wonder if he really preferred fatties or if he was maybe worried I'd get super hot and leave him lol). Other times I know that he knows how much I truly love food and wants to show 'love'. The rest of the time, he just forgets (he will offer me a bite of something, I will shoot him a look, and he will retract his offer and apologize). He's never been a jerk about it (other than scenario #1 which was several years ago)...I would not respond well to being teased with food. That seems mean spirited.

    I would definitely have a conversation with him that lets him know how deeply this affects you.
  • BigLifter10
    BigLifter10 Posts: 1,153 Member
    I have a close friend who is an ultimate "people pleaser" and to sum it all up: Her husband does this every time as well. He also is addicted to 'junk' food - you name it, he wants it. But, what it comes down to for them (and he finally fessed up) is that if she loses weight (has lost the same 60 lbs over and over again) then she will leave him. Actually, she SHOULD leave him, but that's another issue. Point being that he wants her to be overweight because then nobody looks at her. When she loses weight, she feels a lot better about herself, wants to do more, likes to be involved with others and wants to look good when she leaves the house. All that equals one big honkin' THREAT to the one who wants to keep the status quo. Sabotage is rarely about the person whom it is directed at and more about the person who is the offender. What you eat is up to you.
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
    Wow... I have to admit I never even considered it domestic abuse. I still don't I guess. Maybe I am a little messed up. Now that I read all the responses and contemplate his behavior, I kind of feel badly for HIM, not myself.

    Maybe he is trying to keep things "the way they are" or maybe he is trying to show me he is ok with how I am. Before me, he has always dated heavy women. Some much heavier than me. His mother is extremely heavy. I don't know if he finds it attractive or comforting or if he is insecure of where we will go if I lose weight. He has never ever told me to lose weight or said I was to heavy. He does however make fun of heavy women and joke about the weight of others. THAT really hurts me. it is really hard to understand why he would do such a thing. Why he would try to get me to eat the very things that has made me this way? Why would he laugh about other women as heavy as I am and yet say "I am not talking about YOU!"

    No, I am not going to give in. I understand it is totally my choice to open my mouth and ingest what I do. I am just trying to understand the WHY behind the things in my life. but when he did that, I kind of felt bad for HIM. When I saw him sit in the car driving down the road and eating four donuts before we even got home, chasing it with a Mountain Dew, I knew he was abusing his body. Maybe not consciously, but that is what it was.

    Again, thanks everyone. This is going to be a long journey for me. Forty pounds seems like such a small number, but it is very difficult to lose. Especially for me.

    Drop the "WHY."
    It is too hard to figure out why he does something.

    Focus on the "WHAT" and "HOW" of your own behaviors --- making choices that fit in with your calories for the day.
    You can do that and be successful.
  • CheeriOkie
    CheeriOkie Posts: 6
    Very true! Thank you!
  • apparations
    apparations Posts: 264 Member
    Keep a baggie of Broccoli florets in your purse and every time he does that, bust it out, shove a piece or broccoli in his face and say "Are you suuuuure you don't want some?!? It's reeeeally goood!!!"
  • sistrsprkl
    sistrsprkl Posts: 1,010 Member
    Sabotage can only happen if you let it happen....

    One donut isn't going to make you fat anyway, so what harm is there in saying yes - just factor it into your day, or the rest of the week, by cutting back on something else.

    The other option is find a new husband, because the one you have is seriously defective - if my husband shoved food in my face (whether I wanted it or not) I would break his nose.... That is domestic abuse....!!

    xXx

    QFT
  • cindyt472
    cindyt472 Posts: 41 Member
    my husband does the exact same thing
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
    If you can learn moderation while the tempations are right in your face, you will be set.

    Easier said than done of course.
  • theCaityCat
    theCaityCat Posts: 84 Member
    I haven't encountered sabotages, but I also didn't announce to anyone that I was trying to lose weight. The only time I mentioned it was a few weeks ago when, during a conversation about such things, I said "Speaking of which, I've lost 17 pounds! This whole eating healthy thing really is a nice thing, isn't it?"

    If he's going to keep donuts around, keep lots of healthy and tasty snacks around for you to enjoy. A donut every so often isn't a terrible thing as long as you practice moderation.
  • thiswillhappen
    thiswillhappen Posts: 634 Member
    I also think that sometimes, a partner becomes scared or threatened by the prospect of you changing and becoming more slim, fit, healthy, confident and attractive. Trying to tempt you is a way to keep you in his safe zone. First of all, you could tell him not to be threatened, and that reaching your weight loss goals will make you a better spouse! Secondly, do your own thing, even if it means eating meals separately for a while, or not going to drive through with him until your healthy habits are more set. Good luck!
  • RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle
    RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle Posts: 1,349 Member
    This happens to me all the time! Just tonight, he was eating salt and vinegar potato chips! Right in front of me! I had to have a handful with my dinner.

    It seems to work though because I continue to maintain. Actually, I was able to lose weight and not break up with him also. It must have something to do with taking personal responsibility for what I put in my mouth, and having some respect for him.
  • donald149
    donald149 Posts: 211 Member
    When you get mad enough to really want this, you won't care what other think. :)
  • lee134
    lee134 Posts: 280 Member
    Just try to ignore him.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
    The people around us aren't obligated to change their ways just because we are. Having said that, I find it mildly disturbing that he is literally pushing food against your lips. I wouldn't call it abusive unless he's literally forcing the food into your mouth, but there are obviously some issues at play.
  • Superpook
    Superpook Posts: 20 Member
    This thread makes me so sad. So many people talking about how the people in their lives aren't supportive, or worse...even trying to make changing more difficult!
    It's very common for people to resist change in those they love. And they don't even consciously try to sabotage things, they just act according to what feels familiar to them.
    That said, it's not acceptable. I would see that as my husband condescending to my efforts to improve my health and sense of well being. I'm also pretty sure that if he put a donut to my mouth, knowing I'm trying to lose weight, I'd probably lose it on him.
    It IS abusive. When people act against your best interest and benefit, it's abusive. Emotional abuse.
    I've never announced to my husband that I was going on a diet, because I don't really diet. I just decline to eat certain things when they're offered, and I don't buy anything I'm too tempted to eat.
    You've already made the announcement though. I think it's worth sitting down with him and saying that you're serious about losing weight and you expect him to be serious about supporting you. If he still doesn't take you seriously then you might consider couples counseling. (I'm a counselor) In counseling you can talk about boundaries, anxiety, etc...
    Whatever happens...good luck getting fitter and good luck with your husband.
  • kkimpel
    kkimpel Posts: 303 Member
    he's a meany butt .. You need a good long discussion. It is not healthy to purposely sabotage a loved one's efforts to be healthy. My sweetie often asks, "Is it ok if I eat this in front of you." Sometimes he asks me if I'd like a sip (of wine) I say yes or now however I feel at the moment.. He accepts what I say.. and life goes on

    And of course it is.. his food choices don't affect my food choices. When I stopped blaming others and taking responsibility for everyone else's life and their choices.. I got healthier

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