Jealous Husband

I think you guys probably need some counselling, that kind of jealousy and lack of trust is more than a small blip, it's a nasty blight on a relationship. You aren't going to convince him to change, because it's about control.

However, your kids will not be better for it if they are witnessing all of this back and forth. A son will learn the worst ways to treat a future partner and a daughter will learn to put up with things no woman should have to deal in this day and age.

Show this quote to your husband and tell him, "no more."

I've taken my share of crap and verbal abuse in my relationship. It stopped when I made him move out and we were separated for a year. Ultimately, he decided he could act like a decent human being and a good husband instead of an *kitten*.

A good marriage (or any relationship) is based on trust and respect as much as love. Your husband is not trusting or respectful of you.

Counseling might be a good idea. Refusing to go along with his accusations in any way would be my advice -- stop answering his questions when he grills you. Lock your phone. Change your passwords. Refuse to alter your actions. If his accusations have no merit, you don't need to constantly defend yourself. He is sucking the joy out of your accomplishments and your life. You should think about why you're putting up with that.

I've been losing weight for some time now 16 to a 12...lost 12 lbs. I'm happy for myself except its hard to celebrate when my husband questions my every move. If I go to the gym, "I'm nit at the gym" and that goes for every place I go. I invite him to the gym and he refuses to join me. He prefers me to workout at home with the kids at home and in the patio under the 102 degree sun. I'm fed up with it and everything becomes an argument. Separation and divorce is not the solution, I know this is a small hiccup. How have other women dealt with there jealous spouses?

Explain to your husband that part of taking care of yourself is going to the gym. He should be able to wrap his head around the fact that you can function better, give more when you have been able to clear your mind and work your body a bit. If he can't get this without causing a commotion then counseling may be in order. You may want to go together and re-learn how to deal with each other. One or the other of you may also want to look in to private counseling. You need the tools to be able to nurture a healthy relationship. These tools include being able to take care of yourself physically as well as a third party offering support.

I don't like to nit at the gym ever since that one time I stabbed my eye with the nitting kneedle while on the tredmill.

How have other women dealt with there jealous spouses?

This doesn't sound anything like jealousy. it just sounds like two people being not nice to each other.

Oh, and.....have more sex. 90% of the worlds martial problems would disappear if people had more sex. Just sayin.

If my husband was jealous or questioned everything I was doing, first I would try to find out why. Would try to have discussions with him so we could figure it out, possibly counseling. Have open and honest communication with him when you are both calm.

But I wouldn't continue just arguing about it, because I won't live my life dealing with jealousy and trust issues. For me if there is no trust the relationship is on it's last leg, unless you can find a way to rebuild it.

I think you guys probably need some counselling, that kind of jealousy and lack of trust is more than a small blip, it's a nasty blight on a relationship. You aren't going to convince him to change, because it's about control.

+10 :flowerforyou:

Oh, and.....have more sex. 90% of the worlds martial problems would disappear if people had more sex. Just sayin.

Agreed.

I want the OP to think about something....

On MFP there are a lot of marriages that are breaking up or will break up partially because one spouse or the other is getting healthy/fit/losing weight....

Now the quesiton is why are they doing that? For themselves usually...sometimes because they knew the marriage was over and they were going to be dating again and need that "extra" factor to help out.

It's a fact....when you are dissatisfied in your marriage for whatever reason and you are considering getting out the first thing people do is start taking better care of themselves....or they start because they have seen something they like better (or have experienced something they like better) and are doing it for that reason...

My husband and I had a discussion this weekend as I noticed this...and I asked him "did you ever think that when I started this that it was because I was "wandering"...."

His response..."nope not once, we love each other, trust each other and if there was an issue you would have told me pretty quick"

And he was right...

now mind you ...we have sex at least 5x a week sometimes more and we workout together...we don't have the energy to be looking at other people let alone stepping out...

Try that...more sex, working out together or at least in the same spot...compromise goes along way in relationships.

What happens when you try to talk to him about it in a well-reasoned way? Have you tried something like, "When you say things like [whatever he says], I feel like you don't support my healthier lifestyle. What is bothering you?" Be specific. What is he saying or doing and how is it making you feel. Find out why he's saying those things.

It could be jealousy. It could be that he wants to spend more quality time with you. It could be that he resents the fact that you're spending money on a gym membership. He could feel that he has to pick up more slack watching the kid(s) while you're at the gym. He could feel emotionally/sexually neglected and need more from you, completely unrelated to your workout habits.

If you can't have a frank conversation (free of blame, name calling, raised voices) about why he's saying what he's saying, it may take a third party to help him understand why he's behaving this way.

That exactly.

I've has a mild issue with this with my husband. He keeps asking me if I'm going to go look for someone else once I get to goal. No, dummy. I could have left him in the last 14 years at any time if I wanted too. His argument to that is "well the pickings were a lot slimmer when you were fatter." Instead of smacking him, I told him that if I wanted to leave bad enough, some hard-up redneck would undoubtedly be interested, regardless of my weight. Seriously, who wants to get another man when they are so much trouble? :laugh:

I do dress nicer now than I did 50lbs ago. But it's not because I'm looking for attention, it's because I feel better about myself and have more confidence. And I can fit into the nicer clothes again, too. I'm not sure most people would call my transition from frump-who's-given-up to put together SAHM mom as an effort to go get some!

He does get jealous when I occasionally get to have a Ladies Night with my other mom-friends. But I text him throughout, and he knows he can contact my ladies or their husbands to verify where I was. I just make sure not to get too dolled up.

Just have a conversation with him and tell him straight up how it is making you feel. During a calm time of course. Angry spouses are NOT at all conducive to listening or resolving anything. Don't get emotional about it. Just be rational and as objective as you can. I find that my man responds 100% better when I'm more matter-of-fact and not weepy. Assuming there was no reason for trust issues with you to begin with, reassuring him that things are fine and reminding him that you are a grown woman and not a possession, all very polite and civilized, should help. Like I mentioned before, I text him when I arrive, and am about to leave, and sometime during to check on the kids. And remind him "Happy wife, happy life." A more healthy and happy mother is a better mother, period. And happier wives treat their husbands better too.

But as the above poster said, if he still isn't able to have a rational discussion about it, a third party like a counselor maybe necessary.

The sex thing mentioned is a big one. If mine doesn't stay regularly satisfied, he turns into a rabid bear. The intimacy helps him feel connected and close, as he is normally a very emotionally detached guy. But when he finally blinks and notices the distance HE has put between us, he gets jealous and paranoid. And grouchy. It's best to bridge the gap. I don't know what your relationship is like, but maybe he just needs a little extra TLC, and maybe some nookie. Maybe, maybe not. Sometimes they just need some attention.

Good luck. Marriage and loving someone is WORK. Anything worth keeping is worth fighting for. And I think you get that. No matter what a turd my husband is being, I'm committed to the relationship and committed to working through it. Whatever nonsense it is.

That is a form of emotional abuse. :noway: Seek a professional to help you work through how it is affecting you and how that is affecting your kids. Then see if looping in your darling husband makes sense.
Big hugs dear.

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It's common for men to act this way when they are the ones cheating too.

QFT.


I think you've gotten some really solid advice. If you two aren't capable of discussing it without getting heated, counseling is where you need to go. Since you've been married for 16 years, I'm taking your word for it that he's not and all-around jerk and this is the main hang-up. It's likely that, as others have mentioned, he's just insecure and afraid that you will find/are looking for someone "better" than him.

Unfortunately, my recent experiences along these lines are more like the quote above.

In my experience of having a relationship with a jealous man...... it turned out that he was the one having an affair.