Dealing with people's reactions

londoneye · March 2011

OK, so I have an issue, and I don't know whether I need advice, or just to vent.

Basically people have been noticing my weight loss and I get REALLY uncomfortable when people mention it, and I don't know what to say. (By the way, my friends are not the kind of people who see weight-loss as a default 'good thing' - they'll mention it, but as an observation requiring explanation rather than as a compliment per se).

I was only ever slightly overweight, have always eaten healthy nutritious food, and been physically active. I just had a bit of an issue with portion control! I consider myself to be a feminist and am really against the pressures women face to be super-thin and have the perfect body. And here I am, making a conscious, vanity-driven effort to lose weight, and I'm kind of ashamed of that.

Why am I doing it? In a six month period, I lost my job, had a bad break-up, and my parents got divorced. Basically, my self esteem has taken a dive, and I feel like my weight is the only thing in my life I can control (not that I'm starving myself or anything). So, basically, I feel like a hypocrite, and I know that deep down this weight loss is not coming from a positive place. I also feel ashamed of liking the physical changes that come along with it.

When someone mentions my weight loss, I DEFINITELY don't want them to know it is deliberate. I basically don't want to talk about it at all.

Can anyone relate to this at all?!

chaugberg · March 2011

Definitely! The other day someone at work said I was getting thinner and asked how much I have lost. I kind of got defensive and rude and just said a lot. I know she was trying to be nice but I didn't want her to know how fat I really was you know? I have very low self esteem when it comes to the way I look and my weight but losing it is the only thing that's making me feel better about myself.

mrb_9110 · March 2011

First off, congratulations on leading a healthy lifestyle! You should be proud of getting in shape and eating right.

If those healthy habits lead to an "attractive" body, then so be it. There is nothing vain about liking the way you look and being comfortable with your body; that's part of a healthy body image.

Now, if you have maybe an ounce of fat on your tummy, so you do a hundred situps and run five miles on the treadmill to get rid of it, that's a little bit vain. You just have to take a step back and evaluate your motives. Ask yourself, "Am I exercising to keep my body healthy and fit, or to look better than that girl on the treadmill next to me?"

As long as you don't take it to extremes, it sounds like your choices are reasonable. If people ask why you're so trim, just tell them you want to live a long and healthy life. No questions about that!

I wish you the best!

Trozendaal · March 2011

I would just let people know that you are trying to be healthy. There should be no judgement in that. If you are eating healthy nutritious food and being physically active, there is NOTHING wrong with that. And just remember, that you are doing this for YOU. If you are happy with the results, that's great!

naebear99 · March 2011

I think you ought to smile big and say, "thanks for noticing!". Even if you don't want the attention, at least show you are pleased by what you are doing. As long as you aren't reaching worrisome levels of thinness, they'll eventually quit asking you about it, and youll have stood up for your own values - which are another thing you can control. Nothing feels better for the self esteem than deciding to do or not do a thing because you chose it, rather than out of fear of what others might say. People offer good advi e sometimes, but you aren't bound to follow it unless you agree.

MisdemeanorM · March 2011

No matter how they "mean it" - just smile and say "thank you!" or "thanks for noticing". They will get that you see it as a positive thing, that you think they should be supportive, and that you are not going to go into depth on it - all without doing anything more than responding politely!

elainegsd · March 2011

I can relate. I started losing my weight after a neighbor poisoned my two dogs and they died. It was a dark period in my life. I made a conscious decision to continue the momentum.

Now, about 18 months later, I'm much more able to deal with the comments when they occur (I've lost 90 pounds and still have about 40 to go). When people would comment, my responses would range from "I'm not losing weight, I'm just getting taller." to "Thank you." to "Thank you for noticing, I don't want to talk about it." The problem is that people see success and want to know how/why. Explaining that life circumstances made it difficult to eat anything is more information than I wanted to give manyof the people in my life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Figure out how you will respond and practice your response before you get the comment so you can say whatever your response is in a natural way without thinking.

kevanos · March 2011

Stiving for healthy body is a noble objective. You will feel more empowered in a fit body.

Trying to look like the bilboard toothpick girls is vain. Working towards having a healthy body is a positive action, don`t spin it into something negative.

londoneye · March 2011

Thanks for the responses.

The thing I want to emphasize is that

1) I was already leading a healthy, active lifestyle

2) therefore, If I say 'thanks!' I'm agreeing that being thinner for the sake of it is an essentially good thing. Which I actually DON'T believe!

benitocereno · March 2011

I can relate, but you're not allowed to diet to look better and be healthier and then get upset when someone notices... that's part of the point

Remember that most people know how hard it is and they say something because they respect and are proud of you. It's something you should be proud of, not ashamed of. You may lead a healthy lifestyle (I did when I started too), but that doesn't mean there isn't room to improve yourself.

And, as you can probably tell by looking at pictures on these forums, the "last ten" make a huge difference with your overall appearance, which is probably why you're getting compliments. This statement isn't meant to detract from the amount of effort individuals with a lot to lose put in, but the lower your body-fat, the more noticeable each percentage point change becomes (really, it's almost exponential). Look at the change from 35% body-fat to 15% body-fat. Then look at 15% to ~10%. That's when things go from "average" to "athlete!"

Here's a reference for that phenomenon:

http://www.naturalphysiques.com/cms/index.php?itemid=144

Anyway, I understand how you feel OP, but I think you should just embrace it and take the compliment for what it is. And by the way... congrats on the compliments

cris12 · March 2011

I can somewhat relate on one thing. If you're stressed about what has been happening recently, diet/exercise can definitely help keep your mind off of things, or at least that's what has been helping me lately. Having something to distract me during the day is great, and if it's helping me get healthier/fitter then it's even better. Like you, I don't have that much fat to lose, but I simply just want to look better (not toothpick skinny). Call it vain or not I just want to feel good. Whenever someone asks if I've lost weight I just go ''really? I didn't think so'' because I almost see it as an insult, implying I used to be fat when I actually wasn't.

Don't let these situations frustrate you, in the end you're doing this for yourself and not them.

londoneye · March 2011

Whenever someone asks if I've lost weight I just go ''really? I didn't think so'' because I almost see it as an insult, implying I used to be fat when I actually wasn't.

Don't let these situations frustrate you, in the end you're doing this for yourself and not them.

This! I mean, I hate that people consider the fact I've lost a few pounds worth mentioning. I mean, it's kind of my 'project' at the moment, but I don't spend time thinking about anyone elses weight, so I find it really hard to comprehend their interest.

sock_17 · March 2011

"I'm not losing weight, I'm just getting taller."

Best quote ever!!

londoneye · March 2011

I can relate, but you're not allowed to diet to look better and be healthier and then get upset when someone notices... that's part of the point

Thanks for the support. But the thing is, I didn't diet to look better or get healthier. I was already pretty healthy and had a good body image. I did it because I felt my life was going crazy and it was the one thing I could control. When people bring up the weight loss, it just reminds me of all the things that triggered it...

londoneye · March 2011

"I'm not losing weight, I'm just getting taller."

Best quote ever!!

This is what I need! Witty comebacks! I love it

JennsLosing · March 2011

hmm now i wonder if i offended my cousin at xmas time...she had gastric bypass and when i saw her and how great she looked i think i may of gotten a little overly excited. i didnt ask her how much she lost or anything i just gave her a great big hug and told her how good she looked.

freerange · March 2011

Really? Come on you know the truth, you just have to admit it. The truth is when someone says "you have lost wieght", you hear "you used to be fatter".

anubis609 · March 2011

My family and others who knew me when I was obese, look at me now and tell me that I don't need to lose any more weight or keep exercising because I have this tendency to do things in extremes. I tell them I'm not trying to lose "weight," but that I'm going for fat loss. They give me all this blah blah blah about how it's okay to have a little bit of fat on the body and that I'm overdoing it. No. I'm not. I would tell them to stop offering me their food because I'm not going to eat it and I really don't have feelings if they take offense to it. I'm still diabetic, even if my blood sugar is maintaining at normal levels... and it's maintaining because I'm eating what *I* eat. I ended up with diabetes because of what *THEY* are eating.

JennsLosing · March 2011

I can relate. I started losing my weight after a neighbor poisoned my two dogs and they died. It was a dark period in my life. I made a conscious decision to continue the momentum.

Now, about 18 months later, I'm much more able to deal with the comments when they occur (I've lost 90 pounds and still have about 40 to go). When people would comment, my responses would range from "I'm not losing weight, I'm just getting taller." to "Thank you." to "Thank you for noticing, I don't want to talk about it." The problem is that people see success and want to know how/why. Explaining that life circumstances made it difficult to eat anything is more information than I wanted to give manyof the people in my life.

I completely understand where you are coming from. Figure out how you will respond and practice your response before you get the comment so you can say whatever your response is in a natural way without thinking.

jerks...somebody attempted to poison my cat that i had to put outside because my infant daughter is allergic. the dummies put bleach in her food and water, and after a day i noticed she hadnt touched her food and noticed it looked wet..then when i dumped it i smelled the bleach...then i smelled the water and it smelled the same...some people are no good.

MisdemeanorM · March 2011

I can relate, but you're not allowed to diet to look better and be healthier and then get upset when someone notices... that's part of the point

Thanks for the support. But the thing is, I didn't diet to look better or get healthier. I was already pretty healthy and had a good body image. I did it because I felt my life was going crazy and it was the one thing I could control. When people bring up the weight loss, it just reminds me of all the things that triggered it...

At a healthy weight and even a healthy calorie intake level or not - that is a symptom of an eating disorder ("one thing you can control"). You should probably have someone to talk to this about - maybe you have a more supportive friend or family member or if you are in university a counselor? Especially if someone mentioning it triggers bad memories or feelings, etc. You don't dye your hair, buy a new shirt, or get a piercing and think no one will mention it. Same thing sort of.

londoneye · March 2011

Really? Come on you know the truth, you just have to admit it. The truth is when someone says "you have lost wieght", you hear "you used to be fatter".

I don't get your point. I know I used to be fatter!

I don't take these comments as insults or compliments (and they are usually given in a neutral, 'have you lost weight?' kind of way), but I hate feeling like my body is public property, and I hate obsessing over my size in the way I do now and have never done before.

Dealing with people's reactions

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