Dealing with people's reactions

MakingAChoice · March 2011

Whenever someone asks if I've lost weight I just go ''really? I didn't think so'' because I almost see it as an insult, implying I used to be fat when I actually wasn't.

Don't let these situations frustrate you, in the end you're doing this for yourself and not them.

This! I mean, I hate that people consider the fact I've lost a few pounds worth mentioning. I mean, it's kind of my 'project' at the moment, but I don't spend time thinking about anyone elses weight, so I find it really hard to comprehend their interest.

Odds are the reason people are interested is because they wish they could do it too. You don't have to be comfortable talking about it. Maybe you should talk about it though, it might help someone else learn how to live the healthy lifestyle that you know so well. You can shrug it off and say 'oh I didn't really notice', but they know you are lying. Looking good for yourself is not about the skinny girl syndrome. It is about being happy with who you are or have become. Until you learn to love yourself nothing else will matter.

Lexie71 · March 2011

"I'm not losing weight, I'm just getting taller."

Best quote ever!!

This is what I need! Witty comebacks! I love it

I like "Are you losing weight?"
"No...how big did you think I was?"
They don't ask again.....

londoneye · March 2011

I can relate, but you're not allowed to diet to look better and be healthier and then get upset when someone notices... that's part of the point

Thanks for the support. But the thing is, I didn't diet to look better or get healthier. I was already pretty healthy and had a good body image. I did it because I felt my life was going crazy and it was the one thing I could control. When people bring up the weight loss, it just reminds me of all the things that triggered it...

At a healthy weight and even a healthy calorie intake level or not - that is a symptom of an eating disorder ("one thing you can control"). You should probably have someone to talk to this about - maybe you have a more supportive friend or family member or if you are in university a counselor? Especially if someone mentioning it triggers bad memories or feelings, etc. You don't dye your hair, buy a new shirt, or get a piercing and think no one will mention it. Same thing sort of.

Yeah, that has occurred to me, which is kind of why I bought it up here... I know something is not right, even though I'm physically getting enough nutrition etc. I'm just hoping that as the other things in my life improve I'll be able to let go a bit...

Juliane_ · March 2011

People will always have an opinion but ultimately it is your opinion that matters the most. How you feel and what you think about yourself. There is something about being one's own best friend.

Yesterday someone noticed that I must be losing weight. She asked if I was "dieting". I dislike this word. It's sorta negative in my view because I know when people say "diet" they think you are depriving yourself. So I responded to the lady saying that I was exercising which is true.

AngieBoulet · March 2011

Very well said. I totally agree.

pammbroo · March 2011

You don't have to explain anything you don't want to explain. A dear friend gave me some sound advice for situations such as these...just say Thank You.

benitocereno · March 2011

Yeah, that has occurred to me, which is kind of why I bought it up here... I know something is not right, even though I'm physically getting enough nutrition etc. I'm just hoping that as the other things in my life improve I'll be able to let go a bit...

Your problem is likely related to your stress and possibly depression, a councilor or some sort of friendly ear may not be a bad thing. It's entirely possibly that you're projecting hurt onto the people who are complimenting you.

That said, there's nothing wrong with wanting to get more fit or change your appearance (even at a 'healthy' weight: see "skinny fat"), but combined with the other stuff you described it may not be a bad idea to have some sort of short counseling session to see if you could use more... it can't hurt at least

. Don't stress yourself out and don't sweat the small stuff, it sounds like you've had a hard enough year without it.

amandakay23 · March 2011

I can totally relate to the part where people comment, sounding as if it is an observation rather than a compliment, mind you, I am at the highest end of my healthy wieght range, but I am hearing a lot of "your so skinny!" (nose wrinkles) What does that mean?? ...I am trying to be healthy and trust me, you've never seen me naked, I am not so skinny! I am a size 10 for crying out loud! Hang in there, know this is for you and your health, just because some bad happenings have caused you to want to be healthy, it is not a bad thing, eating healthy and excersising in a great mood booster, keep it up! :flowerforyou:

tata_rio · March 2011

I think in the society we live now, losing weight usually means that you are trying and that you are expecting compliments about it. Most people find weight loss to be very hard, as well as eat healthy, so they probably want to find out how you are doing it.

From what I've read, I think the issue is making peace with all that happened in those 6 months. It's a lot for such short amount of time and it's ok to be upset about each one of these things. Losing a job could mean losing current lifestyle, sacrificing choices, struggling financially to make ends meet... Parents divorce shakes the view of the perfect family most people desire and what one wants in their own life. My parents have been divorced since I was 2, so it was a bit easier for me in some ways, but in other ways, it did complicate things too... And, the break-up. It's never fun to spend so much time dedicating yourself to a relationship when, at the end of the day, it doesn't work out. Let yourself be upset and process these things truly...

And when someone comments on your weight loss, just think that by saying thanks, you are really thanking them for wanting to recognize something on you that they think it's an accomplishment. They are complimenting you on being healthy, eating well, taking care of your body. Then change the subject and compliment them back on something else! I don't think any of them would say anything if they knew it was hurtful to you.

Good luck!

Rjperron · March 2011

What is it with women that we feel like we can comment on anyone's weight, good or bad? I'm a little uncomfortable with these comments too, because even when they're positive, you wonder where they're coming from. I just say thanks and move on. It's your journey, your life, and honestly no one else's business.

As for wanting to lose a little weight, don't feel like a hypocrite. The problem with women loosing weight is doing it for some one else or taking it to an extreme. Sounds like you're just taking a little pride in your body and letting it reach its true potential by eating right and working out....and that's something that all women should take pride in.

callipygianchronicle · March 2011

So, basically, I feel like a hypocrite, and I know that deep down this weight loss is not coming from a positive place. I also feel ashamed of liking the physical changes that come along with it.

Is that your own self-critical voice? Or is that the voice you believe your friends are judging you with? Either way, I see a red flag. This is where I think you need to spend some time, and there really isn’t anyone outside of you who can get to the bottom of that self-defeating belief your writing has revealed. We all have these beliefs. They take different forms, but their effect is the same. The purpose is to undermine our success and to give ourselves permission to self sabotage. If we don’t attack that belief head on, confront whether having that belief helps us or hurts us, and actively attempt to tell ourselves something different when we decide that the belief does hurt us, then our journey is doomed to failure.

Feminism is a philosophy, and it’s not a singular one. You can find feminist literature to defend healthy eating, physical fitness, and yes seeking slimness. But only you can believe that you are worthy of having a body that meets your standard. You have no one else to answer to when you look into your own eyes in the mirror. And when you believe that you are worthy and beautiful, simply because you are, when someone asks if you’ve lost weight, you will no exactly what to tell them. With a smile on your face.

EmelyJ · March 2011

Definitely! The other day someone at work said I was getting thinner and asked how much I have lost. I kind of got defensive and rude and just said a lot. I know she was trying to be nice but I didn't want her to know how fat I really was you know? I have very low self esteem when it comes to the way I look and my weight but losing it is the only thing that's making me feel better about myself.

I feel the same. I feel that my weight loss is making me feel better about myself.

londoneye · March 2011

I think in the society we live now, losing weight usually means that you are trying and that you are expecting compliments about it. Most people find weight loss to be very hard, as well as eat healthy, so they probably want to find out how you are doing it.

From what I've read, I think the issue is making peace with all that happened in those 6 months. It's a lot for such short amount of time and it's ok to be upset about each one of these things. Losing a job could mean losing current lifestyle, sacrificing choices, struggling financially to make ends meet... Parents divorce shakes the view of the perfect family most people desire and what one wants in their own life. My parents have been divorced since I was 2, so it was a bit easier for me in some ways, but in other ways, it did complicate things too... And, the break-up. It's never fun to spend so much time dedicating yourself to a relationship when, at the end of the day, it doesn't work out. Let yourself be upset and process these things truly...

And when someone comments on your weight loss, just think that by saying thanks, you are really thanking them for wanting to recognize something on you that they think it's an accomplishment. They are complimenting you on being healthy, eating well, taking care of your body. Then change the subject and compliment them back on something else! I don't think any of them would say anything if they knew it was hurtful to you.

Good luck!

Thank you for this - very wise words

Ashia1317 · March 2011

So, basically, I feel like a hypocrite, and I know that deep down this weight loss is not coming from a positive place. I also feel ashamed of liking the physical changes that come along with it.

Is that your own self-critical voice? Or is that the voice you believe your friends are judging you with? Either way, I see a red flag. This is where I think you need to spend some time, and there really isn’t anyone outside of you who can get to the bottom of that self-defeating belief your writing has revealed. We all have these beliefs. They take different forms, but their effect is the same. The purpose is to undermine our success and to give ourselves permission to self sabotage. If we don’t attack that belief head on, confront whether having that belief helps us or hurts us, and actively attempt to tell ourselves something different when we decide that the belief does hurt us, then our journey is doomed to failure.

Feminism is a philosophy, and it’s not a singular one. You can find feminist literature to defend healthy eating, physical fitness, and yes seeking slimness. But only you can believe that you are worthy of having a body that meets your standard. You have no one else to answer to when you look into your own eyes in the mirror. And when you believe that you are worthy and beautiful, simply because you are, when someone asks if you’ve lost weight, you will no exactly what to tell them. With a smile on your face.

Wow. Well said!

treekins · March 2011

I echo the other saying it's best to focus on the healthy lifestyle bit when responding to other's comments. It's just SMART to eat well, exercise, etc.
Losing the weight is just a happy side effect of changing your lifestyle to take better care of yourself.
Lol I always get good reactions with that, and it tends to make people more interested in what I'm doing...and how. So people who start off by saying, "why are you trying to lose weight?", or "you don't need to diet!" end up being genuinely interested and often impressed.

It's all about perspective, I guess.

ChelseaRW · March 2011

Kudos to you for speaking out and seeking advice. The cruddy thing is that we can never read a person's intent without knowing them completely ...we can just speculate. Some may be totally wowed by our accomplishment, some may be judging out of jealousy , or just plain curiosity. For some...there is an intense desire to know "how much" someone lost or "how did you do it" not necessarily to judge but to size up the situation to see if it is attainable for themselves. With all of the things that have gone on in your life...you are going through incredibly normal feelings. Take those pats on the back, and if unsure what to say, just smile and nod...let them know you are just making healthy lifestyle changes. Someone truly interested will continue to ask questions(and may be seeking your help)

suzieqdiva · March 2011

"But only you can believe that you are worthy of having a body that meets your standard. You have no one else to answer to when you look into your own eyes in the mirror. And when you believe that you are worthy and beautiful, simply because you are, when someone asks if you’ve lost weight, you will no exactly what to tell them. With a smile on your face."

Love what Yolanda has said here. (not sure how I lost the quotes around her statement)

I used to have a negative voice for myself too.. but since I started MFP, I decided to make that internal voice change to a positive one as well. Sure @#$$% happens... and it takes time to heal, so do give yourself the permission to walk your path & do whatever it takes & however long it takes to process, mourn, deal with what has happened. But once the healing is fairly close to being done.. it is alright to give yourself the permission to be respectful of yourself & love yourself back to the glorious self that you are.

Which then also means to take in compliments when they are given without feeling that they are judgments passed. People mean well, are coming from a place of genuine sincerity. Friends you can choose & it is healthy to have people who are positive around you & love you for who you are no matter weight gain/loss, %^&& happening or not.

Just know that I say this with complete sincerity & hope this helps you in some way. Your weight loss achievements are yours & that to me is a BIG positive:-)

am_lowe · March 2011

I don't take these comments as insults or compliments (and they are usually given in a neutral, 'have you lost weight?' kind of way), but I hate feeling like my body is public property, and I hate obsessing over my size in the way I do now and have never done before.

ok so you've gotten some great replies already, so just a couple thoughts...

first, i can completely relate to feeling like a public spectacle. i don't feel like this now, but when i was pregnant with my kids i did. strangers would comment on my belly... people would look at me like i was going to pop. strangers would say things like "wow anyday now, huh?" when i actually had weeks and weeks to go, making me feel like a whale when 5 minutes ago i felt like a healthy, glowing, curvy pregnant mama to be. anytime i visited with family they'd all analyze my stomach and guess whether i was having a boy or girl based soley on how much bigger my butt/hips/belly looked. i doubt this helps you in any way, just wanted to say i've definitely felt that way before.

secondly, you mentioned something about when people notice it reminds you of what triggered your weight loss.there's obviously an emotional attachment to your weightloss goals. do you think you're using weight loss as a coping mechanism? i agree, it's possible that you're on the path to an eating disorder. it's also possible that you're doing this to be healthy and take care of yourself when you most need to. but the fact that you're worried makes me think you should listen to your gut and find a good therapist to talk to. good luck!

Dealing with people's reactions

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