Question for married people.....

Back in 2007 My exwife, and I(We were married at the time) decided to lose weight. She had a lot more weight to lose than I did. After she lost about 150lbs, she started getting curious about if guys would think she was "hot", and started flirting. She has been overweight her whole life, and since I told her she was beautiful at 350lbs she didn't believe me anymore. She became obsessed with flirting, started lying to me, and had a few online affairs. I never thought she would do something like that, but it happened. We tried marriage counseling, but I never could get her to really stop the flirting online, pretending to be single, etc. We eventually got divorced. That is one thing that started the marriage on the way to failure. There were many other reasons it failed though.

I heard there was an episode on Oprah a few years ago about that. People change, not always for the better in all things. He may have valid concerns.

I agree that people change. And I know someone who lost weight and left their spouse, and another person who lost weight and called off her engagement (both had weight loss surgery).... and I simply don't get it. I am glad I met my fiance when I was heavy because I know he loves me for who I am inside and out. Who says these people aren't going to find someone else who loves them for their size, and when they gain weight again (like many people do), they will be rejected?! Idk, I just don't understand their logic.

I don't think my wife has become insecure. She's been supportive, complimentary and encouraging. She's been my biggest cheerleader. My weight loss, I believe, has inspired her to "get moving" herself. She's been hitting the gym 2-3 times per week.

God Bless!


Shawn

When I read this, I flashed back to when I first started losing weight. I was 118 pounds when I moved in with my ex-husband, and over 200 pounds when I decided to get my body and health back. At first, my ex-husband was supportive. When I got into size 18 pants (down from a size 22) the "joking" comments started... the more weight I lost, the worse it got, until I came right out and asked him if he really believed what he was saying when he "joked" with me, and told him that I found these so-called jokes insulting and hurtful. Since I've already stated that he's my EX husband, I'm sure you can tell it didn't go well. We tried counseling, as a couple and on our own, but his insecurities were so deeply rooted that he couldn't see that I was doing this for myself, as well as him and our children. At 200+ pounds, my health was suffering. All he could see was his fears.

The reason I say all this is because one of the lines in your post jumped out at me. You said you are afraid to talk to him about it because you are afraid to know what may be behind it. Unfortunately, you NEED to talk to him about it. He may not realize his jokes bother you (which they obviously do, or you wouldn't be soliciting advice on here), and if that's true he'll want to know so he doesn't keep upsetting you. And like many others said (or suggested) he may just need reassurance that you aren't going to leave when you get thin. These jokes may be his way of asking for your support on that end. But either way, you need to know what's behind it, because you can't fix any problem if you don't face it head on~ just like you are doing with your weight loss! And just so you don't get too worried based on my post, my ex-husband had issues with control, anger, and massive insecurities and it showed in all aspects of his life, not just my weight loss. If you husband is generally pretty secure, he's probably just worried about losing the love of his life!

(And I know I'm no longer married, and this post was for married people, but I'm now with my soul mate, does that count? lol!)

Does your spouse ever seem uncomfortable with your weight loss? Like does it seem like you losing weight makes them insecure?

My husband is being supportive for the most part...he eats what I need to eat, avoiding junk in the house, goes out walking with me, but he does make snark comments like "I won't be able to let you leave the house because if you think your hott you'll walk around naked all the time"....or "So what younger guy are you going to leave me for when this is over".....

Oh boy, I am probably the wrong person to chime in on this. The short answer is YES- my husband became very insecure the first time I lost weight.

The long-ish version is that he was very supportive at first, but then he started complaining about time I spent at the gym, or about the foods I was cooking. My weight loss led to more self confidence and I began making friends. He complained if I ever wanted to do anything with them.

There is a much longer version, but I'll save that for a blog one day. End f the story is- I ended up gaining weight back.

We are both on this journey now. He seems to be more supportive, but I've started to hear a few comments again.

He probably thinks he's being funny. And he might mean no harm.

But it wouldn't do any harm to let him know if it's truly bothering you.

We men are interesting creatures. When we're around other guys, sometimes the only humor is self-deprecating. So some guys think this is normal, but most women don't appreciate this the same way.

If you do talk to him, make sure you let him know that you are aware that he's probably doing it to be funny and be supportive, but that you'd be more comfortable without the talk of leaving each other, etc. Even in jest, this can often not be healthy.

Okay. My husband did the same thing and I had a guy friend explain it to me. It's messed up yes, but it's his way of motivating you. Guys think in reverse psychology when it comes to things like this. They think if they say things like "I bet this wont last" meaning your change in food or exercise that you'll get the "F**K YOU!!I'LL PROVE YOU WRONG" attitude and push even harder. Since my friend explained that to me, I just let them slide right off my shoulder.

I'm sorry but I'm a guy and I don't agree with this at all. It is in no way of trying to "motivate" you and I don't know where this "reverse psychology" thing is coming from either. If you are secure with yourself you don't need to use "reverse psychology", you will just say what you mean.

Your husband is obviously insecure and instead of going right out and saying "this makes me a little uncomfortable" he's making little hints that he is scared in joke form. The best thing to do would be to reassure him that he is the ONLY guy for you and no matter what you are committed to him and only him.

He feels like he won't be good enough for you anymore if you look better but let him know you are doing it to have a long and healthy life that he can enjoy with you as well. I don't know how bad his insecurities are but if reassuring him doesn't work and he continues to get angrier, I would suggest counseling.

Good luck.

Maybe you could approach him during a good moment and ask him if he's being serious on any level. Let him know (if this IS how you feel) that you don't mind some joking, but you want to make sure he understands that you love *him*, you're faithful and losing weight isn't changing that.

He may just be being playful but you will never know unless you talk to him about it. Tell him that you find those comments hurtful even if he is joking and re-assure him that you are still the same person (just slimmer!)