Friend Betrayal

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  • justann
    justann Posts: 276 Member
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    Ignore it and move on. You don't want to fall into her trap and play her games. Those who are truly your friends will not believe what she said. She doesn't realize it but she is the one who looks a fool for posting the crap to begin with. Leave it alone.
  • LisaLN
    LisaLN Posts: 54
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    I would honestly wait until she contacts you for something (if she's still treating you like a friend) and then calmly tell her that you're aware of her two-facing and that you really don't want anything to do with people who do that. Not everyone talks behind somebody's back. I'm a very straight-forward person and wouldn't say anything that I wouldn't say straight to that person's face. You definitely have control on how you react (like the other MFP user stated). Just keep your class about you and treat her as somebody you simply don't have time for.
  • RILEYRED
    RILEYRED Posts: 647 Member
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    IF YOU SAW IT WITH YOUR OWN EYES, SHE'S NOT WORTH YOUR TIME OR EMOTIONS. I'D LET HER GO BEFORE SHE LETS YOU GO, SHE IS NO LOSE, DEFINITELY NOT A FRIEND!!
  • ccadartist
    ccadartist Posts: 35 Member
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    I have recently lost a couple good friends too. Different reasons and a long story, but I know that shaky anxious feeling you're going through. I'm still trying to work things out in my heart and my head with my situation. The best thing I've been doing to help my situation is keep reminding myself that if ANY friends leave your side and aren't loyal then screw 'em! Move on to make new friends that are caring and positive.

    Good luck with everything!
  • dragonbug300
    dragonbug300 Posts: 760 Member
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    This is an odd thing to post on a forum for a fitness website, but...
    People who post that sort of stuff on public networking sites are generally begging for the person they're aimed at to read it (although subconsciously). It was a stupid, selfish thing for her to do and a further violation of your trust to not talk to you first about whatever issues she had with you before broadcasting it to the world.
    It would make the most sense to just tell her that you'd seen the post, express that it genuinely hurt your feelings. I would seriously consider not bringing up the lies--if there's anything that will make someone exceedingly reactive, it's calling them a liar. Don't become confrontational--she'll get defensive. Just state the facts and leave before an argument starts.
  • justnname
    justnname Posts: 162
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    You need to nip this in the bud.. Confronting someone is hard to do. Usually, the thoughts of how it will go are worse than what the reality will be. There is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself.
  • PegasusDeb
    PegasusDeb Posts: 665 Member
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    Ahhhh... modern technology. Gotta love it. NOT!
    This is why when I have a gripe or beef about someone, I don't post it, but write in my journal. Then shred it! Destroy all evidence after venting & getting it all out! So many things are said in anger or frustration that should not be aired out in public. You should confront this person though, who cares where you heard or seen it from, she should not be slamming you on a public forum. Be tactful though, don't lower yourself to her level. If your friends are true friends they will stand beside you. If they don't they weren't much of friends anyway.
  • lmvince
    lmvince Posts: 54 Member
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    You SHOULD confront her. Not in a threatening manner....but simply ask, "Is there something you want to discuss with me?" If she says no, then mention you saw her post.

    I would even go as far as bringing it up to my other friends to get their take on the situation. You can look them in the eye, and get a clear response to the issue that texting or social networking can't give you.
  • nisijam5
    nisijam5 Posts: 10,390 Member
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    Joy, listen to me....let it go. To confront her will only make the situation worse. If she is trashing you, she will likely deny it. Either that, or she will say more things to make you feel even worse. If she says everyone else feels the same way, she may just be deluding herself. You will know who your true friends are without making a mess of things. You cannot allow other people to dictate how you feel. If you ask me, if you cut her off completely now, you'll be that much better off. I know how you feel. Friend me if you like.

    How could she deny it? It's on a public forum. People need to be accountable for their behavior

    I think that you should always let someone know that you will not be treated that way. People treat you the way you let them. However, I would do it in a classy way and just say that

    "I am sorry that "we" are no longer friends. I do not appreciated the back stabbing on a public forum. Only a coward behaves this way and I not going to tolerate that. I am much better off without friends like you."
  • kt_rubino
    kt_rubino Posts: 87 Member
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    I would definately confront her...but not attack her with words...let her dig herself a hole and let her feel how wrong it was to write those things about you. She wrote them on a public site because she wanted SOMEONE to see it, just so happened karma was working against her and her harsh words and you were the one that saw it. I would definately have to say something but dont say it out of anger just confront her as one adult talking to another adult. Luck to you! What ever you decide to do dont let her words get you down...its pretty obvious that she is threatened by you and is trying to make herself feel better by trashing you.
  • sillygoose1977
    sillygoose1977 Posts: 2,151 Member
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    I would quietly put her out of your life. If she has to post things about you on the internet instead of speaking to you, then she is obviously extremely immature and a confrontation probably wouldn't do much good. She may be trying to create drama and it's best not to give in to it. It is ok to just eliminate toxic people from your life.
  • Amber_2005
    Amber_2005 Posts: 28 Member
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    I would confront her! What do you have to lose? Who cares if she knows you were looking at that particular social network? You have every right to look at it. I hope she is just a trouble maker and doesn't know squat about your other friends.
  • lmvince
    lmvince Posts: 54 Member
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    Someone is always going to talk about you behind your back. I'm sure at some point you can remember talking behind a friends back even though you really care for them and value their friendship. People are opinionated right or wrong. One thing I've learned is to feel whatever emotion you get from something then let it go. You're angry and you should be. Anyone would be angry after reading something like that. So feel angry and then let it go. The only thing you can control is how much control you give the things you can't control. You can't keep her from bad mouthing you but you can control how you react. I like to think that the people who matter in my life won't believe vicious things other people may say behind my back.

    That's good advice! I should really apply it to my own life. I tend to hold on to things longer than necessary, thus giving it control over me.
  • UmbraForzare
    UmbraForzare Posts: 137
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    Take a day to calm down a little bit because if you try and talk to this person about it now, you'll most likely freak out and then the discussion will become overly emotional - this will end up giving her more ammunition to slate you with.

    Now, what I've done in the past with situations like this is write down EVERYTHING you want to say before you even think about talking to the other person face to face.
    Write it down, read it back, cross out anything that seems like it's accusatory, defensive, attacking or over emotional and re-write until you're happy it sounds civil, open and honest.
    Make sure you print out what you've seen so that you have it as proof, that is definitely at must.

    Then you ask this person if you can talk.
    You sit them down, ask them calmly if there is anything they need to tell you or talk to you about.
    If they say "no", then you bring out the printed copy of what she's said online and let her flounder for whatever excuses she's going to use.
    Then you tell her that you found it offensive, defamatory and childish and that for her to have denied there being anything she wanted to tell you to your face is ridiculous and that you're much better off without someone like her in your life.
    You then say that if you find any more posts like that on a public domain that you will report them and/or her for harassing you (yes it's extreme but she deserves a bit of a shock to be honest) and then you stand up, smile sweetly and tell her to have a nice life.
    Then you walk away and do NOT look back.
  • Joyjmb
    Joyjmb Posts: 221 Member
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    First off I want to say thank you to everyone who responded (so quickly!)
    There is lots of good advice in there - I will take the day to calm down and make a decision tomorrow.

    To clarify, she posted this on a social site ONLY SHE USES. Not a common one like Facebook or Twitter.
    Our friends are not on it. So she's having this conversation with her online cronies, not our friends.

    I posted it here in motivation because I simultaneously wanted to eat AND never eat again.
    Emotions can overwhelm and affect our eating.
    Thanks everyone.
  • patricac
    patricac Posts: 255 Member
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    I know it hurts when a "friend" says something mean about you or makes up lies about you. Here's what I've learned... If someone is spreading lies about you and others believe it, then were they really your 'true" friends in the first place? It's so easy to get caught up in trying to prove someone lied and try to "right" what they did to you. Sometimes, the more you try to disprove something someone said about you - the more it looks like it's true. But also think about the energy you would need to put forth to do that. Is it really worth it? Trying to convince all your "friends" that she's a liar? She's the one making stuff up? Is all that drama really worth it? You can confront her, yes. But keep in mind what you want the "end" result from the confrontation to be. Do you want a fight? Do you want her to rescind what she said? Do you want to "work it out" and stay friends? Obviously, she posted this on a site and didn't make it private. It doesn't seem like she's trying to hide it... Is she worth any of that?

    Your real friends would stick by you and be there for you. Hey, if they were real friends - wouldn't they have told you about the post and gave you a heads up? You're better than this 'friend" that did this post. I personally don't think you should waste your time. You have to surround yourself with positive people in your life. You are better than this, you don't need this negativity. You also don't need to give this "friend" power by getting sucked into this drama she's created and letting it impact you.
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
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    Found an online post (on a social network I do not use, but can see) from this week where a (I thought!) trusted friend just completely trashed me - my character, my social graces, my trustworthiness, my tact - and says all my other friends think it too and are slowly going to drop me one by one. I am shaking and upset, because I consider myself a caring person and people have said I am one of the best friends in the world. I want to call all my friends and say 'Is this true?' I've had several interactions with these friends recently and nothing seems to be wrong with our relationship, so she's probably talking out her butt, but what if they say things behind my back? I've deleted her number from my phone and want to just drop speaking to her altogether. However, two of the things she said are outright LIES and WRONG, but I can't confront her about them without revealing I saw her post. I am seriously freaking out here. Advice???

    You have every right to be upset!

    But make sure you aim that upset where it belongs-at the 'friend' who composed this rant and put it online. She can't speak, nor does she, for your other friends. She speaks only for herself.

    You could say something about the incident to this 'friend' when you're calmer, but there is a downside to that. A person like her will often react with more of the same- trashing you online, trashing you to other friends, etc. People like that escalate things, rather than admitting they've made a mistake and ending the behavior. You may feel better if you mention this incident to her, but expect more backbiting to ensue. Don't expect her to give you the resolution you seek. She obviously lives her life by a different rulebook and your hurt is not going to suddenly bring her around to using your rulebook.

    Usually, just gradually becoming unavailable to the person works better--you just gently phase yourself out of their lives. The sniping stops and life moves on.
  • jllipson
    jllipson Posts: 646
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    I've known several people who have ended up divorced or breaking up because of what others say on social sites such as FB, or what they say to and about each other. Actually know a couple that had broken up, got back together since but during breakup he constantly bashed her on FB, she remained civil. Just last night, they both blasted the other on FB again - seriously, some people need to learn to keep personal stuff personal, likely a relationship that will end faster than it began.

    My question to you is this, do you want it to keep going, or close that chapter of your life? If you confront her you could potentially cause more issues for the both of you and a lot of putting all mutual friends on one side or another, and your entire group eventually falling apart. Or just cut her out of your life and move on. Gatherings where she may be, you will have to just go and ignore her or skip, no need to explain why to the other friends, just a simple, I've chosen not to be friends with her anymore. If you feel the need to tell why - make sure you 100% trust the other person to keep what you say confidential.

    Or on the flip side, confront her - and deal with the consequences - possibly more exaggerated bashings - or maybe she will be civil and you mutually part ways. The question is, how do you think she will respond? If you don't trust her - I would just ignore her and move on with your life - you obviously don't need her as a "friend" as she is not being one anyway.

    Good luck
  • poisongirl6485
    poisongirl6485 Posts: 1,487 Member
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    Threaten to sue her for libel. Lol.

    Anyway, I would copy or screen shot what she posted and email it to her, complete with an *kitten*-ripping.
  • LisaLN
    LisaLN Posts: 54
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    I posted it here in motivation because I simultaneously wanted to eat AND never eat again.
    Emotions can overwhelm and affect our eating.
    Thanks everyone.

    So glad you pointed that out. I was thinking it...just didn't type it. I honestly would just let her come to you or wait until she contacts you. She's simply not worth anything more effort than that right now. It's so sad how people can crawl under our skins and fester. Making us feel like we're not worthy of respect.

    Big hug and all the best to you! You deserve it!

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