*Help* I could use a woman's perspective

tauruseth
tauruseth Posts: 11 Member
edited September 25 in Motivation and Support
Good morning, all.

My girlfriend and I decided to go on a diet about 2 weeks ago. We started using MFP, bought Polar FT4 HRMs, and bought a couple of workout videos. We cut out all the junk/crap food that we used to eat. We started eating whole foods/grains, fruits and veggies, lean meats, etc. We weigh every single ingredient in our meals, we don't go out to eat and we exercise twice daily (1 cardio and 1 strength - both are pretty intense) for a little over 1 1/2 hours a day.

Today is actually day 14 of our new lifestyle. It started as a diet and has shifted to healthy living. That being said, we still want to lose weight.

Today, we got on the scale and I have lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks. She has gained 2. She was in tears this morning and is so very disheartened. I feel awful and I don't know what to say to her. I told her that she looks so much slimmer and I can see a lot of muscle tone (which is true).

To all the women reading this: What can I say or do to help her get through such frustrating times like this? I feel like I say all the wrong things. Any advice would be so very much appreciated.

We almost eat the same exact foods (all of our meals are prepared at home and measured out).

Here are our stats:

She - 5'10", 181 lbs (SW 179 - GW 160) - She eats about 1900 total cals a day and burns 800-900 cals working out.
Me - 5'10", 210 lbs (SW 230 - GW 170) - I eat about 2100 cals a day and burn 900-1200 cals a day.

Here is the only real difference. I usually have anywhere from 700-1200 cals left at the end of the day while she has about 200-300. Technically, I should be in "starvation mode" and she is doing it right. But I am the one dropping the weight.

Thank in advance for any help/ideas.
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Replies

  • neelia
    neelia Posts: 750 Member
    A similar thing happened to me when my husband and I started MFP. After 2 months, he had lost 30 lbs. Me? Barely 8.

    There was really nothing he could say to make me feel better. I would just advise her to take photos. Compare the photos from start to today and SEE the difference.
  • erickirb
    erickirb Posts: 12,294 Member
    I am not a woman, but she could be retaining water due to the introduction of exercise. When starting a new program (mostly with strength training) muscles get micro tears and will retain water to protect them and aid in recovery. After she gets use to working out the muscles should shed this excess water and she should see a weight loss.
  • eillamarie
    eillamarie Posts: 862 Member
    She's gaining muscle tone & burning fat! That's why she looks smaller but weighs more. Muscle is denser than fat-so 2lbs of muscle takes up less space than 2lbs of fat.

    You on the other hand, have probably lost a tone of water weight-it's your body's way of flushing out the toxins that have been building up!
  • hmschultz
    hmschultz Posts: 32
    I hear this A LOT!! Guys just seem to lose it faster than us girls, and it really sucks!! Be super encouraging and remind her that she is building MAJOR muscle and that weighs more than fat. Here is an idea... Put the scale away and pull out the measuring tape. I have found with myself that when the scale isn't moving the inches are falling off like crazy! Good Luck to both of you :)
  • GoldenGirl1979
    GoldenGirl1979 Posts: 716 Member
    my husband & i have been doing JM ripped in 30 for the past 2-3 weeks... I have been super careful about my calorie consumption... he eats whatever he wants... I am trying to lose weight... he doesn't want/or need to lose weight... i've lost 2 lbs... he's lost 6!!!

    i don't really have any advice for you... just wanted 2 let u know i feel ur gf's pain :-)
  • chris1132
    chris1132 Posts: 58
    I wish I could help! My boyfriend and I have been doing the same thing for about two months now. He's lost 20 pounds and I've lost four. Sigh. I think it's just the difference between a man's and a woman's body. It also depends on how much you have to lose - he had a bit more weight than I did to begin with.

    That being said, all you can really do is be there for her and let her rant. Don't try to reason with her because it will probably just make her angry (I know I get angry when my boyfriend does that to me haha). Also, just be supportive of her choices! If she decides that your new lifestyle isn't what she wants right now, try not to make her feel guilty about it...somehow :)

    We women are mysterious creatures.
  • MissSjolin
    MissSjolin Posts: 134 Member
    For myself I do weigh in and measurements that way if the pounds seem like they are lacking then I can check my measurements and see that there is still progress.
  • Tiana405
    Tiana405 Posts: 270 Member
    Is her body changing? Dropping inches and not weight? If so, this is just we do! Most women go through this phase in the begining of a new routine or working out and dieting. Men and women's bodies are just so different. We were made with different intentions, so losing weight will be very different between the two. Also, if she's losing inches, it means that she's building muscel, which is much more dense than fat. If she were losing weight, but not inches, she'd be losing muscle... NO BUENO. If her pants are feeling loser, but the scale isn't moving, that's very normal. The weight will catch up in time. I'd rather have smaller pants and the same number on the scale rather than a smaller number on the scale and same size pants! : ) Hope some of this helped....
  • quara
    quara Posts: 255 Member
    Agh, that's tough! I don't really know what you could say to make her feel better - if I were in her shoes, I don't think anything anyone could say would cheer me up immediately. But you may have lost more weight because you had more to lose... but I think the main difference is just the different physiology between men and women's bodies. I don't know how or why, but I do believe they can gain/lose weight differently. Are her clothes fitting better, has she lost inches? Maybe she can decrease her calories down to 1600-1700? It's so hard to know.

    Congratulations on your weight loss and I hope you are both able to stick with it... I'm sure the results will come once she finds what works best for her!!
  • barefootbeauty
    barefootbeauty Posts: 188 Member
    Same thing happened when my ex-boyfriend and I started a healthy living lifestyle together. Our trainer said that men are more muscular and burn more then women. Her recommendations were to make sure the girl is eating less carbs then the guy and to focus less on pounds lost and more on measurements and visual success.

    Its tough and I feel her pain! I lifted weights and ran for 3 months straight on a strict diet and didn't lose a single pound....but I lost 3 jean sizes. Numbers aren't everything. :)
  • katapple
    katapple Posts: 1,108 Member
    Men have an easier time losing weight, sad but true.

    Tell her to start taking measurements, that way even when she doesn't see a loss on the scale, she can see what she IS doing IS working. I have only lost 5 pounds in the past year, but I have dropped TWO sizes. Good luck to you both!!
  • JennS19
    JennS19 Posts: 642 Member
    My husband and I were the exact same way....He would drop crazy amount of weight right off the bat and I would lose 2 lbs. It was so disheartening so I can totally relate.

    There is really nothing you can say to help her feel better, just remind her that there are woman on here who understand how she is feeling. Maybe suggest changing up her workout schedule a little bit, make sure she is drinking enough water, check the sodium levels of what she is consuming as well. If he sodium is high, that definitely isn't helping matters.

    The weight will come off eventually, and she can't compare her weight loss to you (which by the way congrats on your awesome loss). This is a long journey and just be there for support, but don't let her give up.

    :smile:
  • RoniDoll
    RoniDoll Posts: 262
    It seem's that she is eating to many calories. If she is wanting to weigh 160 lbs. then she needs to eat only 1600 calories a day. My goal weight is 140 so I eat 1400 a day. it just sounds like she may be eating to many calories, and HRM arnt acurate alot of the time.
  • jewelzz
    jewelzz Posts: 326 Member
    I think she needs to lower her calorie intake just alittle.She may be losing fat but as far as muscle gain probably not yet.it takes awhile to gain muscle and while loosing you lose muscle.
  • Dancinhiphop4life
    Dancinhiphop4life Posts: 62
    thats heartbreaking to hear cause i was in her shoes when my ex and i were dieting together a couple of years ago. is she drinking enough water and keeping her sodium low? she might wanna focus on more cardio than weights....cause as you know us women, we like to see the scale go down. like me she probably wants to see numbers go down first then work on toning and building muscle. my number stayed the same for a week so i made a challenge this week for myself which was cardio cardio, cardio, at least 10 glasses of water a day and to try to stay under my sodium. ive already dropped almost another lb since monday. for women its going to take longer. men can lose 3-5-10 lbs a week but women will usually only lose 1-2 lbs. tell her to keep goin. its going to be harder for than you but the end result will be extremely rewarding.
  • jreese5226
    jreese5226 Posts: 328 Member
    My husband and I are going through that right now. He lost like 3 pounds last week and I lost half a pound after first gaining 2. And I agree, there really isn't anything you can say or do. Her weight will start to drop once her body gets used to the increased activity. Just praise her efforts during your workouts together and continue to be there for support. If she hasn't gotten a support group on MFP together, other than yourself, encourage her to get one. I find myself motivated by the successes of women with the same goals as me, and the same struggles that we women seem to have. Best of luck to both of you.
  • polar5554
    polar5554 Posts: 576 Member
    I don't have any advice...other than what other's have said, but just wanted to say how sweet it is of you to post on behalf of your wife. Very thoughtful of you!! Way to go awesome husband!!! :flowerforyou:
  • rockieschick
    rockieschick Posts: 321 Member
    Take pictures of her. She will see a difference on those. It happened to me while I was doing P90X and without pictures i think i would have been pretty depressed! Goodjob on the lifestyle change!
  • erickirb
    erickirb Posts: 12,294 Member
    Agh, that's tough! I don't really know what you could say to make her feel better - if I were in her shoes, I don't think anything anyone could say would cheer me up immediately. But you may have lost more weight because you had more to lose... but I think the main difference is just the different physiology between men and women's bodies. I don't know how or why, but I do believe they can gain/lose weight differently. Are her clothes fitting better, has she lost inches? Maybe she can decrease her calories down to 1600-1700? It's so hard to know.

    Congratulations on your weight loss and I hope you are both able to stick with it... I'm sure the results will come once she finds what works best for her!!

    I would advise against dropping her cals anymore as she is already below 1200 NET (consumption - exercise), but I would suggest you eat a little more or you will risk burning muscle along with the fat.
  • ohlener
    ohlener Posts: 1
    One think to keep in mind is that muscle weighs more than fat. So if she is working out more than she did before and turning that fat into muscle, it could seem that she is putting on weight. My advice would be to measure herself instead of weighing, measure the tummy, hips, bust and arms, as these will slim and tone as the fat turns to muscle.

    Most importantly tell her to not give up as she will start to see changes and lose weight!
  • Atlantique
    Atlantique Posts: 2,484 Member
    Men always lose more quickly than do women. And yes, it is very frustrating for we women to see that! Unfortunately, you can't do anything about that bit except to help her set realistic expectations. Even overweight men carry more muscle than women and they don't have the same hormonal messages that keep a little more fat on women--even healthy women. So if she can revise her expectations so that she doesn't expect to keep pace with your losses, that might help a bit. She isn't failing! She's doing just fine!

    It's true that she is probably carrying a bit of water as this much exercise is new, as was explained above.

    It's important for your fiance to take measurements. She will be losing inches even in the weeks that the scale is not cooperating. That can be a HUGE motivator and measure of success!

    There's probably nothing that's going to make her feel terrific about the fact that you can lose faster than she can. All you can do is be supportive and listen well.
  • DianaPowerUp
    DianaPowerUp Posts: 518 Member
    I'm so sorry! I don't know if she can take comfort in knowing that that truly is the difference in the biology of men and women. Men have more muscle mass, and weight, and will burn more calories all day long, then a woman. Add those crazy female hormones, water retention, time of the month.....weight doesn't drop off for women like it does for men. In addition, you will build more muscle at a faster rate (given equal exercise and nutrition) than she does, just b/c your testosterone allows for that. It's just the way it is.

    What she really needs to do is not compare herself to YOU, or your success, but compare herself from where she was to where she is now. She may not have lost anything (and no, she didn't gain 2 lbs of muscle over the last 2 wks. It's prob. just water weight) in lbs, but she probably has in inches. If she keeps at it, it WILL happen for her too. Just not as dramatically as it will for you. Tell her not to give up, to hang in there, and keep fighting. I have hit WEEKS of not losing, then regaining, then losing again....the overall trend in the longterm is downward. But it can take a LONG time, if you do it the healthy way, and it sounds like you're doing that.
  • erickirb
    erickirb Posts: 12,294 Member
    It seem's that she is eating to many calories. If she is wanting to weigh 160 lbs. then she needs to eat only 1600 calories a day. My goal weight is 140 so I eat 1400 a day. it just sounds like she may be eating to many calories, and HRM arnt acurate alot of the time.

    She is eating 1900 and burning 900, that is like eating 1000 calories and not exercising, if anything she needs to eat a little more, not less. Please stop telling people to eat less when they are already under MFP recommendations.
  • MommaBelvin
    MommaBelvin Posts: 130 Member
    well if you say she has great tone definition then that tells me she needs to work more on the cardio . . . i personally try to stay away from the strength training till iv lost about 10 to 20 pounds i do all cardio . . . i just started and im doing yoga. its all about stretching but man do i sweat . . . also you have to remember guys lose weight faster then girls. so from your situation . . im hearing shes gaining muscle fast and losing the inches which is good but i understand that she wants to see the scale results . . if she wants to keep doing the strength training thats fine she just needs to do more cardio and possibly cut her calories . . . mine is only 1600 or so maybe less and im trying to lose 100 pounds . . . but im also set to lose 2 pounds per week . . . she needs to also remember that for us girls its great advise not to even look at the scale for the first month because our bodies go into freak out mode because we are supposed to have more fat .. . so when we start losing weight our body naturally wants to keep the fat . . . . so lol my advice in a nut shell is . . . . stay away from the scale for a month . . . do more cardio . . cut your calories . . . drink losts of water ( i rabbed the biggest bottle of smart water i could find and i drink one of those everyday . . well try too lol ) but good luck to the both of you :)
  • red01angel
    red01angel Posts: 806 Member
    It also can sometimes depend on where she is in her monthly cycle. I know that the few days before and during my period, it's totally normal for me to gain 2-3 lbs. It also might help her to drink more water. I know it's counter-intuitive, but a properly hydrated body is able to remove broken down fat and other wastes much more easily and efficiently...osmosis and all that.

    Just a warning; from what you say, you're not eating enough. You'll see the weight drop off quickly, then hit a brick wall and have to do some experimenting with food/exercise combos in order to wake up your metabolism. If you keep it up like this, you WILL gain back every ounce you lost once you transition back to "normal" eating, and you'll probably even see a gain if you have a day where you slack off a little...as someone who's (sort of) in recovery from an eating disorder, I know this all too well, and it's terribly frustrating. Seriously. I used to gain weight when all I'd eat all day would be a bowl of cereal and steamed chicken.
  • AdoraK
    AdoraK Posts: 724 Member
    First off congrat on the weight loss and your success so far.

    Second I wanted to say your post touched me that you want to be so supportive of your GF, and that you are both doing this changes in lifestyle together. I think one of the main reason I have failed in the past is my husband does not changes the way he eats and does not support me in changes this way. It makes it very hard to stay on track when he is buying all sorts of goodies and keeping them in the house.

    I agree with the other people here that anything you say is not going to go over well right now. I think the best thing it to take your measurements and track that way for inches lost. Men put on muscle easier than women and since more muscle = more weight loss it is easier for men to lose weight.

    Just be there to listen to her rant a rave and support her in her journey.

    Good luck.
  • Mustangsally1000
    Mustangsally1000 Posts: 854 Member
    i really don't know what to say. I do know that she is not eating enough food. She is burining off all but about 1000 calories. Her body is in starvation mode and is hanging on to everything it can. She needs to eat more food. Plus, muscle weighs more than fat. Is there some where you can go have have body fat tested?? Perhaps at the gym they can do a caliper body fat test?
    Otherwise, be supportive, and get her to eat more. Her body is starving.

    Good luck to both of you!!
  • Tiana405
    Tiana405 Posts: 270 Member
    Agreed! No matter what, I try to consume no less than 1200 calories and I'm at 1700-2000 with exercise 6 days a week. My inches are melting away and the scale is totally irrelevant at this point. My pants are telling me that I'm doing things correctly. You do NOT want to go in to starvation mode! : )
  • djmom1984
    djmom1984 Posts: 55 Member
    My husband and I were doing the same thing. We started in January. I've lost 17 lbs and he's lost 22. At first, I lost about 8 to his 25, then he started going back up. Then he hit a plateau, and I kept going. My measurements changed quicker than his. Concentrate on the measurables that are successful. OH, and I can also run further without dying than he can! lol.
  • kevanos
    kevanos Posts: 304 Member
    20lbs in 2 weeks is a lot of weight lose for guy your size.

    You are definitely losing muscle mass alogn with fat. That is going to make it harder to keep the weight off. Exercise a little less or eat a little more, or both. You should aim for 2lbs/week loss. 10lbs/week is not good.
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