*Help* I could use a woman's perspective

Here are our stats:

She - 5'10", 181 lbs (SW 179 - GW 160) - She eats about 1900 total cals a day and burns 800-900 cals working out.
Me - 5'10", 210 lbs (SW 230 - GW 170) - I eat about 2100 cals a day and burn 900-1200 cals a day.

Here is the only real difference. I usually have anywhere from 700-1200 cals left at the end of the day while she has about 200-300. Technically, I should be in "starvation mode" and she is doing it right. But I am the one dropping the weight.

Thank in advance for any help/ideas.

Okay sweetie, here is the problem. Your math is OFF. If you girlfriend is eating 1900 TOTAL calories per day and burning 800-900, then she is left with a net of only 1000-1100. This is why she is NOT losing weight. And it's also while you'll stop losing at some point and hit a very hideous plateau and possibly even start gaining weight.

You also said that at the end of the day she has about 200-300 calories leftover!!!!

Do you KNOW what that MEANS???

It means that she is taking in as little as 700 calories NET each day!!!

She needs to up those calories...NOW. Her body cannot survive on that few calories. 1100 net here and there is not a big deal...but this is NOT healthy eating or healthy living.

She can absolutely turn around what's going on for her with her body and with her weight loss if she'll pack in some more calories. It's the ONLY way.

Now...the second thing.

A woman's body is different than a man's and will react differently to exercise and a major change of diet. It's normal to gain a little weight at first. I did...and boy was I depressed for a couple days.

Now, as to what you can do to help her through this time:

1- Remind her of the difference between a man's body and a woman's body. She cannot expect the same results as you.

2- Remind her that you had a lot more weight to lose than she does. You were 20 lbs. heavier than her in those stats you listed. You probably also had more water weight to lose.

3- Learn about BMRs and learn about Body Assessment Stats. I highly suggest you go to a doctor who has one of those scales that will do a full body assessment. Or go to a gym and pay to get weighed by a personal trainer. Your rate of weight loss and the change in the composition of your body may be affected by MANY things, including: your body fat %, body water %, visceral fat rating, bone mass, muscle mass, and of course, your metabolic age.

4- Looking at number 3 again, remember that depending on muscle and bone mass, you might not have as much weight to lose as you think you do. Her bones and muscles might weigh a heck of a lot more than she thinks. I know mine did! In fact, at the time I did my first weigh in on one of those scales, I weighed 179 pounds and thought I was soooo fat. But check this out: my muscle mass weighed in at 98.6 pounds and my bone mass weighed in at 5.2 lbs. That's 103.8 pounds!!! Of stuff I can't get rid of!!! Suddenly the slow drop in numbers didn't seem so terrible anymore.

5- Don't listen to the people who are telling you that she's gaining muscle tone and burning fat and that's why she weighs more. Muscle does NOT weigh more than fat. A POUND IS A POUND. It may be more dense, but that is not measured in pounds. Density is measured in grams per cubic meter. Remember, if you weigh 150 pounds, lose a pound of fat and gain a pound of muscle, you will weigh...*trumpets please* 150 lbs.

6- Remind her that she isn't doing this to just lose weight. And weight isn't what matters. Weight is arbitrary and changes every day. For instance, yesterday, I weighed 169.7 lbs. Today I weighed 170 even. I didn't gain weight and at the end of the week when I do my real weigh-in, I won't have gained a ton of weight.

7- Watch your sodium intake. Sodium makes you retain water. And remember, water has weight.

8- Watch what you eat. Right, you took out all the junk food, but think about what you're eating and how it affects your body. First of all, ask her the majorly embarrassing question for women: ARE YOU CONSTIPATED??? Constipated means you're not popping at least once per day. That's right. If she's pooping once per week or she's having lots of trouble in that arena. It hurts, it's hard, etc. then she needs to take that into consideration. Poop also has weight.

9- Going along with number 8. When you think about your diet, especially your healthy diet, consider how long it takes for foods to make it out of your system. I, for one, would NEVER take stock in a weight I showed within THREE days of eating red meat. That's because THREE days is how long it takes for red meat to move through your system. So if you eat 16 oz. of red meat over the course of THREE days and then weigh yourself...guess what...that's a POUND of meat sitting in your body. Just sayin'.

10- Help her set attainable goals. 1-2 pounds per week loss is realistic. But not even always feasible. A weight loss goal is very arbitrary as there are many things that can affect your weight. Stress, for one. Sodium, for another. While I have a weight loss goal, I also have additional goals that I can focus on in the short term. For instance, how about being able to run a mile in under 12 minutes? Or how about completing a 5k--no time limit, just completing it? Or maybe picking out something in the closet that fits but not that great and work towards getting back into it and having it make her feel sexy? These are all really wonderful goals that can take her mind off the scale and really get her motivated. They are things that she can take complete control over. Like I said, weight loss is a delicate, complicated, arbitrary thing. But you can control your ability to run a mile in under 12 minutes...you can work at it every day and eventually get there. Finishing a 5k is a big deal--I will be doing my first 5k this year and I'm scared for it but when they hand me that "finisher's medal" at the end, I'll feel like I won first place. I have this pair of jeans too that I stare at every day, and say, "I'm going to get into those and when I do, I'll be friggin' unstoppable!!!" And it will be true!

But most importantly, dear...DO NOT stop your healthy lifestyle or routine. Too many partners stop what they're doing or sabotage themselves in order to avoid hurting the feelings of their loved one. But hold firm.

20lbs in 2 weeks is a lot of weight lose for guy your size.

You are definitely losing muscle mass alogn with fat. That is going to make it harder to keep the weight off. Exercise a little less or eat a little more, or both. You should aim for 2lbs/week loss. 10lbs/week is not good.

Not necessarily, kevanos. With weight comes water weight. I shed nearly 12 lbs. at one point in my weight loss journey in a little less than 2 weeks. And it wasn't because I was doing anything wrong. It was because I had a TON of water weight on me that had to go. It also had to do with shocking my body and making a dramatic change. I was eating like 2800 or more calories per day and not exercising and suddenly I was on a strict 1200 calorie net diet. That's 1600 calories off per day, which is 2 lbs in just over 2 days just in food loss. That mixed with the water loss equaled the major weight loss.

I just suggest making sure that you pay really close attention to your goals each day. Make sure you eat within 100 calories of what's listed as your goal AFTER exercise. Once the water weight loss is done, your weight loss should slow down substantially. If it doesn't, you should be sure to see a doctor because there might be something wrong.

But don't listen to the idea that after only 14 days, you've lost that much muscle mass. That is not possible.

measure body fat and inches. those numbers don't lie

Encourage measurements if you aren't doing so already. Start up and she may too. Yes its sooooo unfair that us women can sometimes gain but she may be toned and may have lost inches.

get a tape measure it will show her the difference. an inch off your waist is so much better than losing 2 lbs.
also men have more muscle than women and muscle helps burn fat faster from what i have read. good luck to both off you on your journey and i hope she feels better soon.

It's very sweet that you want to be able to help her, but the only thing you can really do right now is be there whilst she wants to cry and keep things on the same track.

It will happen, but as the others have said...men can burn fat quicker.

Focus on her inches...do her clothes feel looser?

And most importantly, remember to tell her how gorgeous she is. As well as just being nice, it'll make her feel good and want to keep going.

Good luck x

I have not had time to go through all of the posts but I would encourage her to measure her inches and not go by the weight. She may be significantly surprised with those results.

As far as her feeling better, you may not be able to do anything. Just be sensitive yet strong. Don't let her go on pity parties but encourage her and remind her how beautiful you know she is.

A lot of it depends on what you and her have done before diet-wise and weight-loss wise. Your body tends to cling to weights where you've "hung out" for longer periods of time, because you've trained it to think that it's the normal weight.

Also, the suggestions of measuring inches would be real helpful. Pounds aren't the only metric for measuring progress (did you hear that "BIGGEST LOSER"?!?!). Two people who are 5'8" and 180 could have VERY different physiques.

It might also be worth getting a body fat analysis at a local gym. Even if it costs a few bucks, go get one now, and go back in 3 months and get another one.

Write all this stuff down. Because it is very possible that she could see minimal weight loss but major progress in other areas.

And I'm with amyoliver, too, on the muscle vs fat exchange. This is thrown out there ALL the time. And people don't really think about what they're really saying. Which weighs more: a pound of feathers or a pound of gold? (They're both a pound). Daylight Saving Time is great because it gives us an extra hour of sunlight (uh, no, we just moved our clocks, we didn't make the sun stop).

I also had a post just a bit ago about a stall-out I'm on, and I'm not worried in the least bit. Granted I've lost some weight first, but each body is going to respond to change differently. Maybe go 2-3 weeks between weigh-ins ... lots of things to consider.

I don't know if you are still reading this, but I don't eat back my exercise calories. Some people say you should some people say you shouldn't. I only eat the calories I am already given, that might help her. Women already have a harder time losing weight than men, if she is eating almost all of her exercise calories, its probably not helping.

Two things. First keep telling her she looks slimmer, that will help her stay motivated. Secdondly, ask her to try measuring instead of weighing.
Us women need some extra fluff for our baby making organs so sometimes we don't lose weight as fast. And her gain could be muscle, it does weigh more than fat. I gained .4 pounds since my last weigh in, but I can feel the muscles in my legs. So I going to start measuring this weekend along with weighing.
You could also suggest he finding a place were she can get her body fat checked. She can do that every month or so and see how it changes. If that goes down, she will know it's muscle and not fat.
Good luck and great job for posting. You can tell you care and want her to feel better. She has a great guy

First, I think it is great that you are doing this together. It is so helpful having a partner to be on the same path.

I don't really have any recommendations except to buy her a measuring tape. I have been stalled at 148lbs for about 2 months. I have lost an inch in my waist, an inch in my calves, and a half inch in my arms. I have finally told myself to stop going by the scale and go by the results that I can see and feel.

Keep standing by her and be proud of her. Don't let her give up out of frustration. Good luck to you both!

Wow! Just wanted to say she's lucky to have a BF that gives a crap. I remember being in tears the first time I stepped on my DH body comp scale. I thought I was doing great, and turned out by that scales measurements I wasn't.

I say ditch the scale and buy a $10 pair of body fat calipers.

Here are some off the "weight loss" scale suggestions:
1. Have her go the dr and have her thyroid checked. She may be having something else going on that she doesn't understand.
2. Have a Tissue Mineral Analysis performed, I like the one at www.unikey.com, she may be out of balance on her vitamins and minerals which make it hard to lose if out of balance.
3. Have salvia hormone testing done - if she is on Birth Control Pills, it is way harder to build or develop muscle because estrogen levels are not in balance. It would check her cortisol levels too, stress hormones make it hard for women to lose weight as well. This also would check for adrenal function.
4. Send her for a good massage!! This works wonders for the mind and body, add Yoga one day a week for focus.
5. I'm personally a fan of a detox diet to jump start weight loss, but do the right one that doesn't starve you and just "cleans" out thinks to get back into balance before starting weightloss. My go to is at www.smoothieshakedown.com.

Holy expensive suggestions Batman! While at some point, it MIGHT be beneficial to look into medical reasons why someone isn't losing weight, after 2 weeks is not the time. Which I'm surprised no one has mentioned this relatively short time period. Yes it is very frustrating (especially in the face of your huge loss (congrats, btw)) but it has only been two weeks. A lot have suggestions have been given that I agree with (including measuring and upping calories) but as much as it sucks, sometimes the body just does what it wants. No ryhme or reason about it. I've had weeks of bad eating where I lost weight and weeks of good where I've gained or stayed the same. Perhaps her next weigh in will result in a 6 pound loss!

Either way, the changes you are making are for the good (just please eat more) and they should be continued despite what a hunk of plastic and metal (the scale) tells you.

mikeyml - Our eating habits were horrible. Lost of fast food, dining out, high fat, carbs and sugar. She has cut all of that out.

We eat breakfast everyday (we never ate breakfast before). Usually a bowl of healthy cereal, or perhaps a low cal breakfast sandwich (homemade). She eats every 2- 4 hours; smaller meals/snacks (e.g. string cheese, Lara bar, or a banana). The exercise is completely new for us. We were hikers at one time (we climbed Mt St. Helens last August) but have pretty much been couch potatoes. Her weekly goal is 2 lbs.

To all: Thanks for all of the great advice. We did take measurement of ourselves 2 weeks ago and will measure tonight when she gets home. I am really hoping she sees a little progress in that area (I know she will - she looks so much slimmer).

It sounds like you are making some really good decisions and on the right path. I think she just needs to stick with it and not compare herself to you or anyone else. You two are great examples of how everyone loses weight differently.

I also think the devil is in the details here, as usual, and it will take some trial and error for her to get the results she wants. So you guys never ate breakfast and now you do...that seems like a really small detail but it is actually a really big deal. Her metabolism is confused as to why it's getting food earlier in the day and more often...it is thinking that these changes are temporary and should just keep storing fat. Once her body realizes it's going to get fuel throughout the day in healthy amounts it will turn into a fat burning machine. I really suggest sharing this thread with her (it's stickied in General Diet and Weight Loss help)...it's quite long..and might not fit her 100% but it will give her A LOT to think about.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/3047-700-calories-a-day-and-not-losing

My only other tip...and this is a small one...you guys might want to consider doing measurements at the beginning of the day. Our bodies gain a good amount of weight throughout the day and that might give you bigger measurements than you really have. I guess if you're always consistent with the time you measure you will not have a big problem. The issue is we don't eat exactly the same everyday so a measurement change could be from just eating more or less that day. I try to do mine first thing in the morning on Saturdays in 2 week intervals.

I hope all this helps and that you guys see the results you want. It sounds like you're both doing a great job!

It seem's that she is eating to many calories. If she is wanting to weigh 160 lbs. then she needs to eat only 1600 calories a day. My goal weight is 140 so I eat 1400 a day. it just sounds like she may be eating to many calories, and HRM arnt acurate alot of the time.

She is eating 1900 and burning 900, that is like eating 1000 calories and not exercising, if anything she needs to eat a little more, not less. Please stop telling people to eat less when they are already under MFP recommendations.

I’m sharing my experience and what I have been told by several nutrionists/ dietitians (with degrees) and personal trainers. I'm not just giving out bunk advice I have research to support it. When I was eating back my calories it made me gain/ maintain... but when I stuck to my 1400 calories I started losing fat and I have gain muscle. Not every body is the same. Different people have different needs. Do some research like I did.