Totally OFF subject, but wasnt sure where to post...I need s
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You need to crack down on her HARD!Compleatly limit her activities stop it in its track at home drug test her whatever you need to do.
I started doing meth and lsd at 12 i didnt stop till i was 29.my parents knew what i was doing,but said i really cant control everything she does.mabey if they had taken a stronger stance with me when it started it wouldnt have gone so long.of course they took no stance with me and i did what I wanted.
I think in the end...you are right about the in home drug test. I am goin to sit her down and talk to her...tell her how I feel..that I dont want her doing it...and I KNOW..god how I DO know about the peer pressure.....BUT...it is not acceptable...and I am goint to let her know...I will test her every week if I have too....and if she refuses....she will lose priviledges....and if she fails..she will also lose those priviledges.
Thats a pretty good stance to take,I wish my parents had.I made my own choices and I knew my parents cared about me and they had the drug talks with me but I didnt care cuz I was having fun.They were scared of me.0 -
Thanks...so much. I am goin to talk to her...probably a bit sedated to keep the anger down....but in the end....I am goin to drug/alcohol test her...every Sunday...if she refuses...lose priviledges....if she fail..she will also lose priviledges.
Honestly, I dont think the girls day out thing is going to work...we are close now..but things have been drifting apart recently, and now I see why. And yes, I will tell her she can always call me in any situation....BUT that does not make things acceptable...I will not just turn the other way and play dumb. Peer pressure is out there..I know it..I know alot of the little guys she is friends with does this...I just dont know where they get it..and where they do it....geez....
Don't rule out that they may be getting it from their parents. Not that the parents are giving pot and alcohol to them, but that they may be stealing it from their parents' stashes.
I'm always flabbergasted to find out how many adults and parents smoke pot. Of COURSE the kids know and also know where it's supposedly hidden away from the children.
And I'm always even more shocked at how many parents do give their children alcohol on the theory that if they're going to do it, at least let them do it at home where it's safe. (I think this is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard, but people do think this way.)
The other thing to worry about here, not to get you even more freaked out but it has to be said, is that with the alcohol and pot comes the possibility of inappropriate sexual behavior. In a 13 year old, that is REALLY worrisome. It's bad enough that she is too immature to understand the consequences of experimenting with drugs and alcohol, but she's really too immature to understand the possible consequences (emotional, healthwise and pregnancy-wise) of sexual behavior.0 -
I wish you the best of luck in this. I really do. My kids are young; the oldest is 11yo and the youngest 2yo. But one of my greatest fears is that one of them will start taking drugs. I think that the first thing that I would do is go to people with experience in these matters and take their advice seriously. I wouldn't let her out of my sight ... and when she is, I would make darn sure I knew exactly who she is with and what she is doing. Good luck and God bless, Momma!! I pray that all will end well for you both!0
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I am a pastor who deals with families struggling with such issues. In this case there are two styles of response: reactive and proactive. Reactive waits for her to mess up and then when emotions are running thin, reacts. Proactive says, "before she messes up again, I am going to get in on the root cause." Your post stated you felt like just taking off work and going and signing her out of school... Well that's eactly what you should do! Take her on a special day: just the two of you! Go get your hair done complete with facial and nails or go shopping. Eat at a sit down restaurant. When she asks why, tell her it is because you love her more than anything in the world and you wanted to get some quality time with her. Gently ease in to the subject but come from theperspective of a loving parent and trusted friend. If she sees how much extra effort you are making and the quality time you are spending with her, you may have a break through. I also always reccomend church. A great youth group can provide very positive peer relationships which will help to undergird your family values. It is one way you can change her friends without having to doit in such a way she resents you. Just expose her to better kids and let nature take its course. I will pray for you. Keep me posted! Blessings
I like his advice the best! I don't have a good relationship with my Stepmom bc she would react by yelling at me. (and teenagers THINK they don't derseve yelling) plus if you yell at her and she goes and tells her friends "my mom yelled at me for bla bla bla". Her friends WILL start to tell her "you mom sucks, don't ever do what she says". They will try to make her turn on you. I'm 23 I know believe me.
I was a very good child, I have never done drugs in my entire life, and didn't try alcohol till I was 20, it is all because my dad NEVER, not once, raised his voice at me. He would say he was disappointed in me and that hurt alot. Yes I was grounded alot because of breaking curfew but I was still out with my youth group or hanging with friends. And when he did ground me I was always grounded for ever! And if I was grounded he would not "let things slide". So this is why I was a good kid, bc I didn't want to be grounded.0 -
BTW I disagree with not expressing your anger (appropriately of course). You are a human being and a mother. You have a right to be angry with your child. She did something very wrong and you can tell her (not yell) that you are really angry with her. I think kids need to know that we are human and how much their actions affect us. I would also explain why I was/am angry with her... because we love them... and we love our children more than life itself!!
Im going to say a prayer for you and your daughter today. I hope your confrontation with your daughter goes better than expected.0 -
I am a pastor who deals with families struggling with such issues. In this case there are two styles of response: reactive and proactive. Reactive waits for her to mess up and then when emotions are running thin, reacts. Proactive says, "before she messes up again, I am going to get in on the root cause." Your post stated you felt like just taking off work and going and signing her out of school... Well that's eactly what you should do! Take her on a special day: just the two of you! Go get your hair done complete with facial and nails or go shopping. Eat at a sit down restaurant. When she asks why, tell her it is because you love her more than anything in the world and you wanted to get some quality time with her. Gently ease in to the subject but come from theperspective of a loving parent and trusted friend. If she sees how much extra effort you are making and the quality time you are spending with her, you may have a break through. I also always reccomend church. A great youth group can provide very positive peer relationships which will help to undergird your family values. It is one way you can change her friends without having to doit in such a way she resents you. Just expose her to better kids and let nature take its course. I will pray for you. Keep me posted! Blessings
I like his advice the best! I don't have a good relationship with my Stepmom bc she would react by yelling at me. (and teenagers THINK they don't derseve yelling) plus if you yell at her and she goes and tells her friends "my mom yelled at me for bla bla bla". Her friends WILL start to tell her "you mom sucks, don't ever do what she says". They will try to make her turn on you. I'm 23 I know believe me.
I was a very good child, I have never done drugs in my entire life, and didn't try alcohol till I was 20, it is all because my dad NEVER, not once, raised his voice at me. He would say he was disappointed in me and that hurt alot. Yes I was grounded alot because of breaking curfew but I was still out with my youth group or hanging with friends. And when he did ground me I was always grounded for ever! And if I was grounded he would not "let things slide". So this is why I was a good kid, bc I didn't want to be grounded.
Heres my issue with this,my parents never yelled at me I got the oh im so dissapointed and the conversations.Me and MY friends laughed about it as we were getting high.And the girls day out silly.We can not be friends to our children.Part of the reason kids are so crazy now is because parents are to busy "talking" to them.Back when kids were still afraid of their parents we didnt have the problems we do now.Now we run the risk of being branded child abusers if we even spank our children.0 -
Just to be clear, I think you should do the whole spend the day with her thing, and don't bring it up till the end. Kids will and want to talk to you, if its in the right manner. Then tell her about it, and yeas crack down HARD on her, but no yelling! Just ground her for like 2 months..and the first month totally ground her and the second month she can only go out on sat nights or something, along with drug testing her.
Also my best advice is to NOT tell her you were snooping, I know you did the right thing by snooping but if you tell her she will hate you, and not trust you. Also my second best advice would be tell her one of her friends told you she was smoking pot and drinking. It sounds mean but my stepmom did it to me, and it worked. Don't make up a friend, just make her think you have full control. That way when she is out in the future she will think someone might tell on her.
Good Luck0 -
I am a pastor who deals with families struggling with such issues. In this case there are two styles of response: reactive and proactive. Reactive waits for her to mess up and then when emotions are running thin, reacts. Proactive says, "before she messes up again, I am going to get in on the root cause." Your post stated you felt like just taking off work and going and signing her out of school... Well that's eactly what you should do! Take her on a special day: just the two of you! Go get your hair done complete with facial and nails or go shopping. Eat at a sit down restaurant. When she asks why, tell her it is because you love her more than anything in the world and you wanted to get some quality time with her. Gently ease in to the subject but come from theperspective of a loving parent and trusted friend. If she sees how much extra effort you are making and the quality time you are spending with her, you may have a break through. I also always reccomend church. A great youth group can provide very positive peer relationships which will help to undergird your family values. It is one way you can change her friends without having to doit in such a way she resents you. Just expose her to better kids and let nature take its course. I will pray for you. Keep me posted! Blessings
I like his advice the best! I don't have a good relationship with my Stepmom bc she would react by yelling at me. (and teenagers THINK they don't derseve yelling) plus if you yell at her and she goes and tells her friends "my mom yelled at me for bla bla bla". Her friends WILL start to tell her "you mom sucks, don't ever do what she says". They will try to make her turn on you. I'm 23 I know believe me.
I was a very good child, I have never done drugs in my entire life, and didn't try alcohol till I was 20, it is all because my dad NEVER, not once, raised his voice at me. He would say he was disappointed in me and that hurt alot. Yes I was grounded alot because of breaking curfew but I was still out with my youth group or hanging with friends. And when he did ground me I was always grounded for ever! And if I was grounded he would not "let things slide". So this is why I was a good kid, bc I didn't want to be grounded.
Heres my issue with this,my parents never yelled at me I got the oh im so dissapointed and the conversations.Me and MY friends laughed about it as we were getting high.And the girls day out silly.We can not be friends to our children.Part of the reason kids are so crazy now is because parents are to busy "talking" to them.Back when kids were still afraid of their parents we didnt have the problems we do now.Now we run the risk of being branded child abusers if we even spank our children.
fearantloathing--- maybe I wasn't clear, but I wasn't saying don't punish her. I think your are right parents don't need to be friends, but they can still spend time together. I was a VERY sensitive child and I didn't need to be yelled at. Obviously it worked for me, bc I didn't do drugs. Everyone is different though. I think parents should ground/spank/ punish their kids, I know I will. But it is good to have quilty time in there too. I wanted to talk to my parents and if they asked I did, if we were having a "friendly convo" and not yelling me. So I guess it just depends on the situation.
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BTW I disagree with not expressing your anger (appropriately of course). You are a human being and a mother. You have a right to be angry with your child. She did something very wrong and you can tell her (not yell) that you are really angry with her. I think kids need to know that we are human and how much their actions affect us. I would also explain why I was/am angry with her... because we love them... and we love our children more than life itself!!
Im going to say a prayer for you and your daughter today. I hope your confrontation with your daughter goes better than expected.
What happens when that very hormonal teenager has anger inside to express too?0 -
I have a teen daughter who is bipolar, just recently diagnosed, however she knows that we will not accept any type of drugs or alcohol. She is not perfect by any means and even had been in youth court for borrowing a friends cell phone without permission (she gave it back in the morning, never planned to keep it). This was prior to her diagnosis and subsequent medications. Now that she is on medication she knows its even more important for her to stay away from that stuff. She knows we will drug test her at any time(although never have yet she knows we would) and she knows I check her facebook periodically. Your daughter is barely old enough to have a facebook page (13 is the age for facebook), she should know you have all her passwords!! Ask any professional they will say the same. You should be aware and it's not spying if it is known upfront. So yes, sit her down, tell her what you will accept and not accept and tell her you will check her computer, emails and facebook from time to time. You are her parent, it is your responsibility!0
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Wow, this is scary! My daughter only just turned ten and I'm really hoping to not have to face this situtation. I read over several of the responses given here and definetly think a girls day with your daughter is best. I don't think you should necessarily wait until the end of the fun day and spring the surprise talk on her though. Recently I had to have the sex talk with my daughter because some girls at her aftercare started talking about sex bracelets. One parent found out and passed the word along, etc. I waited until the nex day (to build up the nerve to even mention it - because it made me feel SICK and then I told my girl we were going to going to grab something out for dinner on Friday and have a talk about sex and sex bracelets. I told her this two days before so she'd have a chance to mentally prepare for the day (and me too). I don't know what kind of kid your daughter is, only you know if this method would work for your daughter or if it would hinder, but I thought I'd mention it.
The fact that you read her facebook account "behind her back" is bad, becuase this is how she will view it, as behind her back. Last year I made an email account for my daughter, but the rule was, I would also have the password until a later, undecided age. You have two choices here, you can tell your daughter the truth and aplogize to her for the breaking of trust though it may have been done out of love and concern (I'm betting this is how she is going to see it - my mother read my diary once when I was around 13 and this is how I felt - and then I got in trouble for calling her a B -hah) . Or you can not mention it. This may result in her feeling lied to at a later day if she were to find out.
Whatever you choose to do, what is best is that you're daughter know you love her and you refrain from yelling during your discussion. IT IS OK for her to know you are upset but you both need to agree to have a discussion, not an argument. And remember there are many reasons people choose to drink alcohol or smoke weed. It may have been as simple as peer pressure and then she found she liked the feeling or it could be a way to take the edge off of her angsty teenage hormones. Try to get to the bottom of the reason and then work together to find alternate methods of dealing with those issues. I think it would be important to discuss the damage to her health drinking at such a young age can cause, damages she would see in her early adult years, age 23 -25, espcially if it becomes a habit. If there are serious issues and you don't know which course of action is best, as one other member mentioned, there are resources available to assist you.
My personal beleif is there should be some form of restriction on her. Whether you choose to restrict her free time with friends, or whatever. Children need guidlines and rules. I believe it helps in many ways incluiding the enhancement of a healthy conscious and it shows your daughter (even though she won't admit it for a while) that you care about her. If there are no restrictions, she may believe she is free to do anything without consequence.
Good luck with whatever you choose!
I'll be praying for you.0 -
Thank you ALL for your replies!! I am definatley going to have a talk with her...and refrain from yelling....yes......but will tell her how disappointed and upset I am with her...and I will definately be doing the random drug testing as well. Thanks for your concerns and prayers. I think we definatley need them at this point.
Someone made the comment about her trying it due to peer pressure andjust simply finding out she liked the feeling, and you know...that just brought things to a whole different prospective...but...bottom line is...she is entirely too young and this will not be tolerated.0 -
BTW I disagree with not expressing your anger (appropriately of course). You are a human being and a mother. You have a right to be angry with your child. She did something very wrong and you can tell her (not yell) that you are really angry with her. I think kids need to know that we are human and how much their actions affect us. I would also explain why I was/am angry with her... because we love them... and we love our children more than life itself!!
Im going to say a prayer for you and your daughter today. I hope your confrontation with your daughter goes better than expected.
What happens when that very hormonal teenager has anger inside to express too?
They should be encouraged to express themselves appropriately as well. Why are we so afraid of anger or emotions? But the key word is "appropriately". No screaming or slamming doors or throwing things, etc. I know the hormones are there and conversations are not always the "ideal" but pretending or hiding your anger at the fact that she is getting involved in something very dangerous would be a mistake, I believe. I would very careful not to let her reaction guide your response. If she is yelling or screaming or acting inappropriately, I would make sure that I didn't go to that level. Not that Ive never yelled at my kids, mind you. Im human too. But because this situation is soooo incredibly dangerous, I would make sure that Im in control of my behavior and words, so that the conversation will not be regretted. That's my humble thoughts... as a mother.0 -
Thanks to you all...I have an update..will start another post with the outcome of all of this0
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send her to an all girls school.
=D
or just do one of those teen rehab groups over the summer.
my older brother is 21, and has been using very hard drugs since he was 13. he got out of his 4th rehab last october for heroin... and hes still on the drugs.
its terrible to say, and i know its not what ANYONE wants to hear... but if its what she WANTS to do, its what she WILL do. My family and my parents and even myself have done EVERYTHING to help him... but he doesn't want to stop... well scratch that..
drug addicts will SAY they want to quit, will TRY to quit... but when it comes to that final decision... its so hard to QUIT
i'm not calling your daughter a drug addict, but all i can say... i give her ALL the information she needs.
take her to a rehab or a jail (they do teen tours) and let her see the life she can live.
send her (and GO WITH HER) to AA or NA classes, make her KNOW what shes getting into
theres also classes that you as a parent can take
it was very helpful for me (even as his sister) and my parents...
its EXTREMELY hard not to become an enabler...
this is a great link... read it if you'd like... the types of family members is extremely helpful...
i took Drug Addiction in the Family (its a class) in college, it was helpful, but it hit close to home...
if you need help deciphering codes from your daughter... i spent most of my childhood watching my mom struggle with drugs
and my adolescent, teenage, and now in my 20's watching my brother....
i hope you caught it soon enough... and i hope she has a good head on her shoulders...
let me know =]0 -
p.s. ANGER
will make her run from you, and more towards her friends... she is at an impressionable age, where she is finding that she gets along better with classmates than adults...
if you yell, rant, scream, and rave, she will not listen, and she will abandon you... leaving you with the most horrible black hole... and it will be there for years... i look at my parents now and still see it...
BTW
this is the website...
http://www.hopelinks.net/addiction/family/roles.html
i hope it helps you...
i encourage the Narcotics Antonymous classes. Sit down and talk with her... she needs a should to lean on, she needs to be IMPRESSIONED...
i know thats hard to understand.. i didnt understand it either at first.. but
she gets the impression from her friends that its OK
and now she needs to get the impression from you that its not. and it needs to be done WITHOUT vindicating her, or making her feel smaller than a box of rocks....
counseling can help, but you run the risk of her 'hating' you for it, and then in response she will resent you more, even though you've only tried to help her discuss her feelings and actions to a private party. (((teenagers will NEVER believe that the counselor isnt going to tell you what they said, no matter how many times you or the other party discloses that))))
i suggest the group, a trip to a rehab and/or jail, and maybe a new kind hobby. NOT SHOPPING, shopping will only make them feel that they can take advantage of you, lie and pretend to listen, then get the benefits of the results... then they will go into the shadows behind you and do EXACTLY what you told them 5 minutes ago NOT TO.
i'm ranting.... if you WANT to know more... i would be more than happy to share... if you think you've got this, i understand and i hope your daughters life is much, much difference than my brothers.... =]0 -
The thing that a lot of parents forget is that children, even though they may be intelligent, aren't miniature adults and DON'T reason the same way adults do. 13 year olds (and most teenagers) are oh so concerned with the short term and saving face with their friends, and could really care less about what long term consequences they might face because of their actions. You have to speak their language.
Talking is definitely a good thing...and I wish my parents had done more of it...but what ultimately kept me out of trouble as a teen (for the most part) was not wanting to get my *kitten* kicked...or lose car privileges, or be kept home on the weekends, etc etc etc.0 -
The thing that a lot of parents forget is that children, even though they may be intelligent, aren't miniature adults and DON'T reason the same way adults do. 13 year olds (and most teenagers) are oh so concerned with the short term and saving face with their friends, and could really care less about what long term consequences they might face because of their actions. You have to speak their language.
Talking is definitely a good thing...and I wish my parents had done more of it...but what ultimately kept me out of trouble as a teen (for the most part) was not wanting to get my *kitten* kicked...or lose car privileges, or be kept home on the weekends, etc etc etc.
Completely agree re children/teens are not mini adults and dont have the same reasoning skills nor the concern regarding long term consequences. That's why talking alone wont cut it. Consequences are key. Very good comment!0
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