just want to sit down and cry for hours
jdedzant
Posts: 34
I don't normally post on the boards, but I'm feeling so low right and no one in my life understands. So I am apologizing for the rant, but I need to get this out of my system.
I am so sick of caring about my weight. I see people all around me who are of average weight and body type with all of this confidence and happiness, while I am still trying to lose more weight and be thinner. By all standards, I should be feeling amazing about myself. I'm 5'6", 119.5 lbs, 25" waist, low body fat %...yet I want that number to be lower. There is a part of me that wants to see that I am underweight and thinks that only then will I be satisfied.
I've been back at college for four days. My weight went up .3# and my measurements all increased 1/2 in. I realized that I have been inaccurately logging an item for breakfast for the past 2 months because the dining hall finally posted the nutrition facts and I was 61 calories too low in my guesses. Those 61 calories put me eating over 1000 calories a day on about half of my logging days, something my parents would be thrilled about, and then there is me feeling UPSET?! Blaming those 61 daily calories for my gain?! WTH is wrong with me that I am angry that I was unknowingly eating over 1000 calories a day when I know that it isn't healthy?!
I miss being home and having a kitchen. I was able to know exactly how much I was eating when I could cook and measure my portions for every meal.
Basically, I wish I didn't care about calories and obsessing over nutrition. I wish I wasn't having all these mood swings. I wish I was happy when I looked in the mirror. I wish I could just sleep for the rest of the day and not worry about eating ever again. I wish I could believe everyone else when they say that I am thin, pretty, worthwhile.
Sorry for the downer rant. Normally I keep all this stuff to myself.
I am so sick of caring about my weight. I see people all around me who are of average weight and body type with all of this confidence and happiness, while I am still trying to lose more weight and be thinner. By all standards, I should be feeling amazing about myself. I'm 5'6", 119.5 lbs, 25" waist, low body fat %...yet I want that number to be lower. There is a part of me that wants to see that I am underweight and thinks that only then will I be satisfied.
I've been back at college for four days. My weight went up .3# and my measurements all increased 1/2 in. I realized that I have been inaccurately logging an item for breakfast for the past 2 months because the dining hall finally posted the nutrition facts and I was 61 calories too low in my guesses. Those 61 calories put me eating over 1000 calories a day on about half of my logging days, something my parents would be thrilled about, and then there is me feeling UPSET?! Blaming those 61 daily calories for my gain?! WTH is wrong with me that I am angry that I was unknowingly eating over 1000 calories a day when I know that it isn't healthy?!
I miss being home and having a kitchen. I was able to know exactly how much I was eating when I could cook and measure my portions for every meal.
Basically, I wish I didn't care about calories and obsessing over nutrition. I wish I wasn't having all these mood swings. I wish I was happy when I looked in the mirror. I wish I could just sleep for the rest of the day and not worry about eating ever again. I wish I could believe everyone else when they say that I am thin, pretty, worthwhile.
Sorry for the downer rant. Normally I keep all this stuff to myself.
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Replies
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Girl im in the same boat. my BMI is 19 and i swear i wont be happy till its 17 and thats what i working for. I wish I could be like these people that are happy being 20BMI +. Its just who were are. I know its hard eating in college but have you tried bagged salads, pickels, tuna, beef jerkey, frozen broccoli? that ALL I eat0
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ummmmmmmmmmm april fools right?0
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I think you need to find something else to occupy you, while trying to get healthy is a good thing, this obsession you have is completely unhealthy. Only YOU can find your way out of this fog you are in, you have to find better reasons for living other than the way you look! Take a look around you at the world you are in and realize life is not about who is the most beautiful, it's about making every moment MEAN something, make memories, have fun, make friends and enjoy the little things in life... do that and I believe you will overcome these feelings you are having.0
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I would suggest seeking some professional help to deal with these emotions that aren't conducive to "healthy" mental health
**hug** 0 -
STOP!
Be proud of what you have accomplished and set some real goals for yoursalf. I dont suggest being underweight as one of them. Try concentrating on some healthy goals like running a marathon or doing a certain work out or getting a six pack or something. Sometimes we forget to stop and appreciate our blessings. You are young and healthy and in a good palce with you body, seems to me you need to step back and take that all in.0 -
I think most women trying to lose weight or get fit have the same cycling of emotions. I know I sure do. It is obsessive but I think that can also work in your favor if you embrace it. I obsess and it used to bother me until I realized it was the obsessing that got me to pay attention to the details of what I was eating and my lack of activity. So I turned it into a positive and use the same to make sure I get in my exercise and watch what I eat. When you start to see results it gets even better and more rewarding. Good luck and please do no give up. :flowerforyou:0
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I hope you are kidding. You look great. It is one thing to want to lose weight and be healthy, but being too skinny isn't healthy either. Stopping obsessing over it. You look great.0
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Why would you want to be thinner, sounds like you are perfect. Being thinner could bring medical issues and this whole thing is about being healthy. Is it about control? If so, you should seek out a therapist to help you work out your feelings. A 25" waist on 5'6 sounds TINY to me. You look like a beautiful girl, try to see that. Try to see that there are so many other things you could be doing rather than obsessing on your weight.
Hugs0 -
You sound like you are anorexic and need to get professional help before you end up withering away to nothing. I am serious. You need to talk to a professional.0
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It's good to vent... there's no need to apologize.
Have you considered exercising?
At your age and current weight, it wouldn't take much more than aerobics to help keep you in the shape you want to be in.
If it is only about your weight, you will be on an eternal struggle..... but, if you look at it from a "being more healthy" point of view, you may be happier with your body (and your body will be happier with you, too).
If you live an active lifestyle, try to make at least 30 minutes every day your exercise time and find a way to work in some aerobics or even brisk walking (my fav). You may find a whole new outlook on things and feel much better in the process.0 -
Wow0
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Yes, it's hard living life worrying about your weight. It seems once you start, you'll never stop. But those people you see who seem so happy and content may not be. True, weight may not be their issue, but everyone has issues. We're just conditioned to hide them.
And are you sure 1000 calories per day is enough for you? That sounds awfully low. Your body might think its starving and actually slow itself down. And I understand why you might want to be super thin, but really, being underweight can be just as unhealthy as being overweight.0 -
I really hope this is an April Fools joke. Because if it is not, I suggest finding some professional help. You are giving in to an eating disorder. I saw on your profile that you have been a dancer, and eating disorders run common through many young dancers. I also saw that you said hyothyroidism runs in your family. By being active, you have already beat that!! You look amazing and I would kill for that body! Eating 1,000 calories is extremely unhealthy, and if you find you can not get the support you need on MFP, find a professional to talk to about it.0
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If your college, like most, has a counseling center, I strongly urge you to make an appointment with someone there. Your student fees pay for this service, so it's a waste not to use it when it would be useful to you. There will be people there who are to some degree experts in body-image and eating disorders, and I think it could be very, very helpful for you. You are acknowledging that there is a problem and that it is in your own head, so that's a huge step in the right direction. You know you're in a bad place and you want to move on so you can live your life. Excellent! Now just reach out to people who can give you the tools to do that.
If you have a problem with your plumbing (in your house), you call a plumber. No one expects to be able to fix that sort of thing for themselves. (Some people can, of course, but there isn't an expectation that they *should* be able to.) Somehow, though, when it comes to internal things not working right, we feel it's shameful to seek professional help. It isn't an admission of weakness to do this. It's merely an admission that you don't have the specific skill that you need right now, so you need to work with someone who can teach you that skill. Maybe better than the plumbing analogy would be this: If you want to play the violin, you don't buy one, try to play it, and then give yourself a hard time because you can't get it. You realize that this is a new skill you want to develop, so you take lessons. So think of seeking professional help in terms of "taking lessons" to think differently about your body. Don't worry about the fact that some people were able to pick up this skill without formal lessons. Some people *can* pick up a violin and just start playing. So what? If you can't do that, and you want to play, you take lessons.
I wish you well with this. Although I'm on MFP trying to lose weight, I understand that your situation is a painful one, and I would never make the mistake of envying you. And, in case you're wondering: Yes, I have gone to a professional counselor, although not for anything to do with my weight. However, working through issues that contributed to my depression got me to a place where I was ready to make good choices for myself and start losing the weight I needed to lose. And, yes, making the decision to seek that help was difficult. But it was *so* the right thing to do!
I'm glad you shared. Don't feel bad about letting those feelings out. They do less harm out in the open. :flowerforyou:0 -
1,000 calories is not enough for your body to be healthy or have enough fuel. I hope you would go to the doctor and get a full check up and discuss your goals and to seek help with how you are thinking about your self image. Life is not just about our weight but liking who we are and knowing our self worth. I pray you will consider talking to a professional like others have suggested 0
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FIRST OFF...YOU ARE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.. YOU ARE YOUNG AND IN COLLEGE AND SHOULD FOCUS ON OTHER THINGS... ENJOY LIFE!!! ENJOY COLLEGE!!!TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ALL THAT THERE IS TO DO... DONT LIMIT YOURSELF. AS YOU GET OLDER THERE ARE SOOOO MANY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY/ STRESS ABOUT. BUT I CAN TELL YOU THESE THINGS TILL IM BLUE IN THE FACE, YOU WILL ONLY LISTEN WHEN YOU ARE READY TO LISTEN. I JUST HOPE THAT YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT YOU FOCUSING ONLY ON THIS WILL SEVERELY LIMIT YOU IN LIFE. I HOPE THAT YOU CAN GET PAST THIS, AND I HOPE THAT YOU ARE HEALTHY BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY... AND WHAT I SEE IS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL.. I HOPE YOU DO TOO. I PRAY THAT THIS ISNT A JOKE FOR APRIL FOOLS....BECAUSE YOU ARE SERIOUSLY IN MY THOUGHTS. I HOPE YOU FIND HAPPINESS IN YOURSELF!0
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You are beautiful!! I hope you have friends that let you know this. Please don't associate yourself with people that will bring you down. You know that you have a problem and you have admitted it! That's great! I hope you take the other's advice and really do go talk to a professional. But...you will only change if YOU want to, not because others tell you you have to. Research things on what being at an unhealthy weight will do to your body. Try to scare yourself with how much damage it could do. Good luck on your journey.0
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lol of course, wanting to be thin and at the weight we want.. YOU MUST HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. lmao0
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lol of course, wanting to be thin and at the weight we want.. YOU MUST HAVE AN EATING DISORDER. lmao
and because it's April 1, i MUST be making up how I'm feeling and not battling with something that has been a huge issue for me the last two months :frown:0 -
a lot of people on here dont understand why someone wants to be under a size 80
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Do you really want our opinions?0
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she might, I dont ever ask anyones opinion on here to be honest lol.0
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It is easier said than done trying to focus on something else other than counting calories and measurments I know. I was at 120 at one point and I knew i was skinny but i stil felt consumed by dieting and calories and what I was eating and EXACTLY how much was in it. It sucks, I know. Surround yourself with people who love and support you, come on MFP and vent when you start stressing out, sometimes a little reassurance goes a long way. Im w you girl, I know how you feel. Keep your head up 0
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quote:
"Those 61 calories put me eating over 1000 calories a day on about half of my logging days, something my parents would be thrilled about, and then there is me feeling UPSET?! Blaming those 61 daily calories for my gain?! WTH is wrong with me that I am angry that I was unknowingly eating over 1000 calories a day when I know that it isn't healthy?! "
quote
I think you've answered your own question, even though you mock those of us who suggest professional counseling could help you deal with your issues. (And yes, I personally have gone to counseling in the past (although not specifically for weight issues) and I do believe that it is helpful for many people.) You're eating a dangerously low number of calories to keep your body energized for daily activity, and your parents are apparently concerned. You are at a healthy weight for your height, and say that you have a low body fat percentage, and yet you want to be underweight...if you were a personal friend of mine, I would be very concerned about you. I'm sorry that the people in your life don't seem to understand, but perhaps they are concerned like your parents?
Although your friend who posted on here seems to think we are all jealous because we are not all size 8s (nor do some of us WANT to be, sorry, I'm nearly 5-9 and don't want to be bone skinny, just healthy at this point in my life)...your words above make me think, yes, this could be the prelude to an eating disorder, if you do not have one already. If you don't want opinions from the community here on MFP, don't post on the boards, just email your MFP friends privately.
I was a college student once, and I agree that the food is not healthy (at least it wasn't when I lived on campus)...someone gave some healthy suggestions for you to try. At least then you know that you are putting healthy fuel into your body.0 -
I have recently had friends ask me "why do you want to lose weight, you look good enough" Or "You just had a baby" and I simply say a few differnet things ONE "My baby turns 1 on the 27th, I just had a baby isn't an excuse anymore" and "I want to look as good as I feel inside" If you lose all the weight that you think will make you happy you are completely right it will not make you happy.
You need to feel good about who you are, and from the sounds of it your a college student, you need to figure out exactly who that is. I remember I did crazy (in the eyes of those around me) things when I was figuring out who I was. One crazy thing I did was I refused to date or have a boyfriend... I thought to myself... "I don't want to go out and date for recreation. I want a man who is going to stand by me who isn't going to break my heart and I want to deserve him and how can that happen if I am not even happy with me. I know that sounds weird right? but it took the pressure off slightly for looking good.
Second thing I did was I listed my beliefs on a piece of paper and I wrote down WHY i believed them. If I didn't know it became not a belief but an interest and I explored it further to solidify who I was. I focused on class and me.
3rd I was completely selfish. I mean don't get me wrong I helped people and was kind still, but If it came down between helping a friend in a study group or ME going to a church function or concert or something... It was me.
I think its time to eat healthy but focus more on your emotional and spiritual health. I'm not a judgmental person.. by nature I am a lover and nurturer its kinda my thing hehe 0 -
even though you mock those of us who suggest professional counseling could help you deal with your issues. (And yes, I personally have gone to counseling in the past (although not specifically for weight issues) and I do believe that it is helpful for many people.)
I've been to therapy before as well for non-weight related issues and am a psychology student, so I would never mock someone for suggesting counseling, or post something that is really hard on me just to get attention, or think that anyone is jealous of me or anything like that. I was just further hurt by the people who accused me of posting an April Fool's Day prank because this was the furthest thing from a prank.
This really has become an every single day battle with myself over food and what I'm eating and the mentality that has been going with it. I just feel like I haven't had the strength yet to honestly admit to a problem and say "this needs to stop" and I'm worried that it will not come along.
And I truly appreciate everyone on here's concern and support. None of you know me and yet so many have been showing support...0 -
i can relate0
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Now is the time for action or inaction. Which is your choice? You have honestly admitted to having a problem... you did so in your original post. Countless people have offered great suggestions for a plan of action. So what is your next move?
And to the poster making the "happy being a size 8" comment... this isn't high school or "mean girls" and the original intent of the post was missed... her mindset is not healthy by her own admission and that is the focus of concern for me (and I'm under a size 8, btw).0 -
In case anyone was interested, I am making an appointment with my school's psychological services tomorrow morning. Enough people have been seriously concerned about me that I realized it has to stop. I need to get help before I get worse. Thank you everyone; I truly and deeply mean that.0
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I hope you find the strength you need to really love yourself one dayIn case anyone was interested, I am making an appointment with my school's psychological services tomorrow morning. Enough people have been seriously concerned about me that I realized it has to stop. I need to get help before I get worse. Thank you everyone; I truly and deeply mean that. 0
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