I'm Discovering That I'm Stronger Than I Know!

I''ve been an MFP member since mid-January 2011 and have never experienced the power of such a supportive, motivated, caring group of people all committed to losing weight, maintaining weight, getting fit, getting healthy and a whole host of other personal goals.\

I started off with incredible determination and results to show for my hard work. I cleared all of my previous hurdles effortlessly and I couldn't figure out why it had always been so difficult before. And then the hurdles reared up to trip me. The ghosts and voices and insecurities of the past came back with a vengence. There have been a couple of times I have fallen--but with my new support network, I kept getting back up--learning to trust and believe in myself. But it's been harder and harder to bounce back. My new, strong voice was getting drowned out by the old messages and it was easier and easier to slack off.

My workouts decreased in length and intensity. My food consumption was creeping up and up and at first I was logging everything, and then left more and more out until I was logging on the site and reporting the workouts, but not the food.

I ate and ate over this weekend and through yesterday. I was acting just like the old fat, out of control, hateful person I thought I had left behind.

I ate non-stop yesterday, went grocery shopping with every intention of eating myself into a stupor for the rest of the night, along with the usual promises of "I'll start back tomorrow!". And then I realized I could stop NOW--just stop. I could practice my new behaviors and show myself just how strong I had become--just like I see how many more pushups I can do not--I can show myself how strong my my desire is to have changed. So I posted a desperate message and drank down 2 huge glasses of water and held on. And I made it through. My friends got me through--even when I had pretty much given up on myself, they hadn't--and they reminded me of that fact.

Anyway, I broke the cycle yesterday. I have come back to this new day with an appreciation for myself that will help me get through the next struggle--because I know it will happen again, I know this--but I am more prepared now. I know I can do this. I know I can throw out my life preserver (because that's exactly what I'm doing--saving my life) and it will be picked up and I'll be pulled in to safety.

So, I've recommited myself to myself. It's a new day, I get another chance (and another and another--as many as I want) and I can't wait to continue flexing my new behavior and belief muscles.

Thanks to all of my friends, I wouldn't still be here without you and I mean that will all of my heart!