boyfriend troubles....

tinareet
tinareet Posts: 126
edited September 26 in Chit-Chat
hiya,

I'm kinda stuck at the moment, I have been with my partner for 3 years and we have lived together for majority of it. I love him so much, and saw a future with him. However, he likes to binge drink, and he turns into a horrible monster when he drinks, stealling, lieing(possibly cheating) shouting abuse and being violent(not towards me, but damaging walls and doors with his fists). It's like im with jekyll and hyde. I'm not kidding you when I say he is perfect when he is sober, but as soon as he gets the idea to go out drinking, all hell breaks loose and I get so scared and I probably wind the situation/him up by reacting badly. I have spoken to him(when he is sober and tried it when hes drunk) and begged, cried, screamed, been rationtional, patronised him, let him walk all over me, just to get him to chnage and I've come to the end of my tether, I know deep down I want to leave him. I really want to leave him, But I feel trapped. I don't have any friends at all, my father and his gf doesn't really want me and my dad kinda blames me for sticking around for so long. My mother is infact going through her own horrible relationship with a drunk too. I don't have any grandparents that will take me in. I feel like I'm trapped with no support or help. And I'm not financially able to just leave(keep praying to win the lottery by magic as I don't even buy tickets LOL)
anyone got any ideas???
Xxx
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Replies

  • Hype
    Hype Posts: 349
    Any chance you could get into some student accom while your get yourself on ya feet? Or get ya name on the housing list???
  • tinareet
    tinareet Posts: 126
    i wouldn't be able to get student accom until sept this year(its when I start uni, which tbh i don't think ill be doing now cza the break up) I earn enough to eventually have a flat and to not be considered for housing, but because it all goes on joint rent and bills, I'm kinda stuck for 1-2 months, and have no where to go. I'll just grin and bare it.
    Xx
  • SpaceMarkus
    SpaceMarkus Posts: 651
    Something I've learned when trying to lose weight is that you have to jump in with both feet. I think the same applies here. You say you don't have the money to just up and leave, but that's what you have to do. Get a PT job to make up some extra funds, find ANYONE that will let you stay with them, find any means necessary to get out. "Someday" is just that, someday. The only way it will turn into "Today" is if you make it happen. If he's not willing to sit and talk this out with you then he's not worth it.
  • wenders123
    wenders123 Posts: 338 Member
    Hi,

    It sounds horrible and I have been there so know what you mean. I would suggest that you contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau, who will be able to put you in touch with an organisation that can help you. Their advice will be free and totally confidential, so you have nothing to lose by giving them a call. You are very young, and if you get out of this situation now, you will be able to move on and get a new happy life in a very short time.

    Good luck hun X
  • emsibun
    emsibun Posts: 208
    If you are going to be homeless by leaving an abusive partner (which is what he is) you should go and see your local authority housing people. Even if you earn enough to eventually have a flat you dont have the money now and they have to help you.

    This might help you find out what your rights are:

    http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/downloads_and_tools/relationship_breakdown

    Edited to add this as well - Please get some help xx

    http://england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/homelessness/help_from_the_council/applying_as_homeless
  • CassieLEO
    CassieLEO Posts: 757 Member
    Turn around and get the heck out of this relationship- NOW. If he has a tempter like that, what is it going to be like down the road? You dont need that crap!!!!
  • backinthenines
    backinthenines Posts: 1,083 Member
    Have you thought of getting help from domestic abuse services like Women's Aid? They will help you although he has not hit you (yet!) but "only" punched walls etc etc.

    He has an alcohol problem and needs to seek help. You can't do that for him but you need to keep yourself safe!!

    I'm sorry you have such little support from your family, and it's a stressful and lonely time for you, but you may surprise yourself at what you're capable off once you leave a relationship where someone is behaving in such frightening and intimidating ways.

    Please seek help. x
  • hartsmart
    hartsmart Posts: 141 Member
    no way for you and your mom to BOTH leave your scarey bfs and live together until you can BOTH get back on your feet?
    it sux FEELING trapped, but it is worse BEING trapped. there must be somewhere you can go...personally, i'd try your parents again. but if that's just not an option, make sure your bf is always being reminded (when he's sober) that hes a complete *kitten* to you when he's drunk. (he sounds like my brother, actually! )
    i'm sorry to hear when people go through this sort of thing, but being so disconnected from the situation it is hard to give advice...ultimately...don't get yourself hurt, and don't even think you deserve any of it! i hope you figure something out!
  • tracey2710
    tracey2710 Posts: 197 Member
    Hiya - what an awful situation! I'm sure if your parents where aware of the situation of course they would put you up til you get on your feet. If your mother's stuck in the same sort of relationship should you not both support each other! If she's also going through this then surely, as a mother, that should make her more determined to help you.

    Take care and good luck.
  • backinthenines
    backinthenines Posts: 1,083 Member
    If you google Women's Aid Kent, you'll see you have a support team in Bexleyheath, Dartford, and Bromley.

    Please give them a call. They will NOT judge you. xxx
  • ybba12490
    ybba12490 Posts: 252
    this probably isn't an option but maybe just ask your father if you can temporarily move in with him. Tell him you will pay some sort of rent and buy your own food. Just let him know about the relationship and I hope he would understand. I'm so sorry for you, I hope you find the help you need
  • DaniiDean
    DaniiDean Posts: 162 Member
    Stick it out till uni. I know how you feel about the drinking... my dad is perfect until he drinks :(
  • tinareet
    tinareet Posts: 126
    thanks alot to everyone, i know i need to get out, but I don't know how, I looked at that bond thing, that can help you with the deposit to move out, but again I earn too much. Do you lot think talking to him and going throuhg a break up process but still live at together(theres two bedrooms and bathrooms) until I've found somewhere else to live.
    I don't mean to sound completely naive, but is it an abusive relationship??? I was in a physically and mentallly abusive relationship when I was younger and this doesn't seem anything like that.... :S
    Xx
  • kimbaclay
    kimbaclay Posts: 81
    Bless you i really feel for you. A cheaper option to getting your own place is a house share. It's a hell of a lot cheaper and all the facilities are there already so just take some pots and pans with you and do it! I was in a relationship for 3 years many moons ago where i was trapped but just had to bite the bullet and go for it. If you truely need to do it you will.

    Best of luck to you to you xx

    :flowerforyou:
  • emsibun
    emsibun Posts: 208
    he turns into a horrible monster when he drinks, stealling, lieing(possibly cheating) shouting abuse and being violent(not towards me, but damaging walls and doors with his fists).

    That sounds horrible. How does it make you feel when he's like this? Pretty bad, I would guess. Sounds abusive to me.

    Take care of yourself x
  • ybba12490
    ybba12490 Posts: 252
    he turns into a horrible monster when he drinks, stealling, lieing(possibly cheating) shouting abuse and being violent(not towards me, but damaging walls and doors with his fists).
    I don't mean to sound completely naive, but is it an abusive relationship???

    I would say yes, this is an abusive relationship. As hard as it is, (I just thought after you posted that your apt has 2 bedrooms) another possibility would be to not break up, live with him until you can afford your own place, but whenever he entertains the idea of going out to drink, don't freak out: just say "ok," leave it at that, and sleep in the other room. How often does he drink? and when he drinks does he go out with friends? maybe suggest if he's drinking that he stays with a friend for the night. How does he act towards you when he is sober?
  • SGartz
    SGartz Posts: 57
    I hate your boyfried because he's making you sad and you are pretty. Sounds like you need a plan to get rid of him, also, for your own amusemnt/revenge you should hide his underwear.
  • Siobhancarmichael
    Siobhancarmichael Posts: 5 Member
    Good luck with whatever you choose to do! Be strong!! xx
  • tinareet
    tinareet Posts: 126
    he turns into a horrible monster when he drinks, stealling, lieing(possibly cheating) shouting abuse and being violent(not towards me, but damaging walls and doors with his fists).
    I don't mean to sound completely naive, but is it an abusive relationship???

    I would say yes, this is an abusive relationship. As hard as it is, (I just thought after you posted that your apt has 2 bedrooms) another possibility would be to not break up, live with him until you can afford your own place, but whenever he entertains the idea of going out to drink, don't freak out: just say "ok," leave it at that, and sleep in the other room. How often does he drink? and when he drinks does he go out with friends? maybe suggest if he's drinking that he stays with a friend for the night. How does he act towards you when he is sober?

    He is fine when he is sober, kind, caring, supportive, attentive, lets me buy things i need/want, he wants me to go to uni, he gives me massages, cooks dinners, helps clean, does odd jobs around the house. He is perfect when he is sober(hence why ive stayed with him for so long) I get worried if he goes out drinking and i stay in the flat, i was sure he was guna kick me on friday(i pretended to be asleep so he wouldn't shout abuse at me) and then he leaves the place in such a mess, chairs thrown all over the place, pissed himself, puked up, etc, and then doesnt get up the next day to clean it up. like on friday he stole £340.00 from my account and he wouldnt even get up to go put the £300.00 that i managed to rescue back in the bank to pay the bills. He probably drinks 2/3 times a month at the moment, because he knows i don't like it, but i know if we broke up he wud be out every nyt.
    Xx
  • tinareet
    tinareet Posts: 126
    ohhh and he goes drinking on his own
    Xx
  • Sonofabiscuit2
    Sonofabiscuit2 Posts: 323 Member
    Enough with the excuses, my exwife is pulling this same stunt with her current bf. "But he isn't a jerk all the time" but when he is, he is dangerous. "I can't support myself" that is what a women's shelter is for. "I have nobody to turn to" if your family and friends can't or won't help there are plenty of community organizations willing to help. I don't mean this to be a criticism of you, but of the behavior that is repeated by the victims of abuse. Please, please get away from this guy now, my exwife won't listen because she thinks I'm just jealous, or that I just hate her bf, I don't have a similar connection to you, so don't make the same mistake.
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
    He is fine when he is sober, kind, caring, supportive, attentive, lets me buy things i need/want, he wants me to go to uni, he gives me massages, cooks dinners, helps clean, does odd jobs around the house. He is perfect when he is sober(hence why ive stayed with him for so long) I get worried if he goes out drinking and i stay in the flat, i was sure he was guna kick me on friday(i pretended to be asleep so he wouldn't shout abuse at me) and then he leaves the place in such a mess, chairs thrown all over the place, pissed himself, puked up, etc, and then doesnt get up the next day to clean it up. like on friday he stole £340.00 from my account and he wouldnt even get up to go put the £300.00 that i managed to rescue back in the bank to pay the bills. He probably drinks 2/3 times a month at the moment, because he knows i don't like it, but i know if we broke up he wud be out every nyt.
    Xx

    Whether he knows it or not, it is psychological abuse, which can be the worst kind. I think you need to have one more talk with him when he is sober and simply say, "Choose me or the alcohol, because you can't have both any more." And don't stay with him for his sake, that is the worst thing you can do. You need to put yourself first as he really could hurt you.
  • backinthenines
    backinthenines Posts: 1,083 Member
    he turns into a horrible monster when he drinks, stealling, lieing(possibly cheating) shouting abuse and being violent(not towards me, but damaging walls and doors with his fists).

    That sounds horrible. How does it make you feel when he's like this? Pretty bad, I would guess. Sounds abusive to me.

    Take care of yourself x

    +1
  • backinthenines
    backinthenines Posts: 1,083 Member
    "i was sure he was guna kick me on friday(i pretended to be asleep so he wouldn't shout abuse at me)"

    Hunni, listen to yourself, there is your answer.
  • emsibun
    emsibun Posts: 208
    Wow that sounds even worse than I thought it might be :frown:

    He took money from your account - money you had there to pay bills? Sounds like once you are on your feet you won't need him financially at all.

    He was sick everywhere and pee'd himself? Christ on a bike wtf? Even my four year old son can be sick in the toilet bowl when he's ill. Gross. You must be worth a hundred of this loser!

    He'd be like this every night if you left? That's his problem. You've stuck it out three years.

    Finally - and worst of all - you thought he was going to kick you on Friday night so you stayed asleep. How frightening for you! There's help out there to leave him - go get it. If you want to stay with him, you could tell him you'll consider coming back IF he gets sober and NEVER EVER behaves like this again. But do leave him it sounds like you aren't safe.
  • curvygirl512
    curvygirl512 Posts: 423 Member
    You found the courage to make your life better by promising yourself better eating habits. I strongly urge you to find the strength to help yourself out of your toxic relationship. Your BFs habits aren't going to change. If this is still going on after 3 yrs, what is going to change that will keep you happy and healthy?

    Are there any local women's shelters where you live? Any abuse hotlines to call? Perhaps they can hook you up with local resources to assist you.

    Good luck, and stay strong.
  • msarro
    msarro Posts: 2,748 Member
    First, congratulations on losing your first few pounds. That's a pretty awesome accomplishment, and you should be proud of yourself. I don't really want to parrot what everyone else has said already, you already know that there is a problem. For now he hasn't touched you, but you have a right not to live scared that "tonight might be the night when..." See if there is a local chapter of Turning Point in your area; they're a charity that works to help women get out of abusive or high risk relationships. I used to work for them, they do amazing work. They basically have unlisted, secure safe houses where you can stay until you get on your feet. They also can provide some additional social services if necessary. There are other charities that provide similar help.

    If you don't see this as changing, please help yourself. We can only point you in the right direction, and the ball is entirely in your court. Given the situation, most women can't. Show us you're better than that.
  • kevanos
    kevanos Posts: 304 Member
    you sem to be making money.

    What is stopping you from frinding a roommate and sharing rent in an appartment near the school?
  • tinareet
    tinareet Posts: 126
    Wow that sounds even worse than I thought it might be :frown:

    He took money from your account - money you had there to pay bills? Sounds like once you are on your feet you won't need him financially at all.

    He was sick everywhere and pee'd himself? Christ on a bike wtf? Even my four year old son can be sick in the toilet bowl when he's ill. Gross. You must be worth a hundred of this loser!

    He'd be like this every night if you left? That's his problem. You've stuck it out three years.

    Finally - and worst of all - you thought he was going to kick you on Friday night so you stayed asleep. How frightening for you! There's help out there to leave him - go get it. If you want to stay with him, you could tell him you'll consider coming back IF he gets sober and NEVER EVER behaves like this again. But do leave him it sounds like you aren't safe.

    thank you, you had me in tears
  • koosdel
    koosdel Posts: 3,317 Member
    I'm sorry you have been put in this situation. I think I understand how you feel.

    Long story short, due to some of my volunteer work I am exposed to broken families. One common theme is "When times are good, its great." I have to think that good times are perceived as being better than they really are because of the relief of not hearing shouting, fighting, etc.

    Another is "I can't make it by myself." Well, maybe not at first. Freedom can be very expensive.

    Yet another "But I love him/her." Is it really love? Or is it lust for the good times? Or maybe pity?

    He could straighten up, do you have the energy to be part of that? Recovery could take years, and relapses can happen. Your young, I don't think you owe anything to him.
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