My weight is destroying my marriage.

erinswing
erinswing Posts: 3 Member
edited September 26 in Motivation and Support
I'm new to MFP. I have gradually gained weight since I got married. About 80 pounds over eight years. I now weigh 230 pounds. Even when I was not overweight, my husband would threaten to leave me if I ever got fat. Now it's gotten to a point that he just flat out resents me for being fat. He offers no support when I attempt to lose weight. He says things like, "I've heard that before, and you won't do it, you haven't yet." He says that he wants the woman that he married back. He is a designer, and very superficial. He used to be kind, generous, and sweet. He says that he loves me, but not in love with me. And that he only wants to see me healthy and happy. Now, he is just there. One great example is when we were walking, I twisted my ankle and falling, and grabbed for he. He stepped away in a panic. When I called him out on it, he said "like I could support your weight anyway." Geez!

I would leave him, but unfortunately, I was told that if I initiate the divorce, he get pretty much everything. I have been without a paying job for over 2 1/2 years. I feel stuck. Dependent on him for money to live. I really don't know what to do. I have been thinking of finding a job in NYC where I know I have a good support system. But the cost of living is too high. Any advice?
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Replies

  • debbyrae3
    debbyrae3 Posts: 200 Member
    Honestly, you don't deserve that... NO one does... And unless you signed a prenup or some document stating that he gets everything if you initiate divorce, then EVERYTHING accrued during the marriage is split 50/50.

    And obviously if he isn't in love with you anymore because you gained weight, then he wasn't ever in love with YOU. (Sorry, but it's true.)
  • chanstriste13
    chanstriste13 Posts: 3,277 Member
    it sounds to me like your husband is destroying your marriage. this is not your fault. if you can't leave, then you just do your thing for yourself - not him. it's your life, it's your body, take charge of it and keep your chin up. best of luck to you!

    {{{hugs}}}
  • Ms_Natalie
    Ms_Natalie Posts: 1,030 Member
    I'm terribly sorry to hear this! He is no man at all putting you through this. Some people may hint or suggest doing more activities together because they are worried of a loved ones health..but you really shouldn't put up with these verbal attacks.

    Are you sure about the divorce? He is making life extremely unhappy for you and surely this is something you can use in the courts.

    If you want to lose weight and become healthier then this website will be fantastic for you...there is great support here and the members are top quality for great advice and motivation. So stick around.

    I wish you all the luck in the world... :flowerforyou:
  • epa422
    epa422 Posts: 1,009
    I'm pretty sure that those things could qualify as emotional abuse. Is he the one who said you wouldn't get anything in a divorce? Don't believe him. If he was fine with your not working, then you've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle that he will have to maintain with alimony. I would find your own divorce attorney stat.
  • concordancia
    concordancia Posts: 5,320 Member
    If your husband has always been like this, there is a good chance you have been gaining the weight as a coping mechanism. As has been mentioned, his comments, as you report them, qualify as emotional abuse. You need to deal with the situation, which will probably include therapy for you in order to find more productive ways to cope, and, if the marriage is to be saved, probably couple's therapy as well.

    However, as for all of the divorce advice - check with a local lawyer. Laws vary greatly from state to state.

    LOSING WEIGHT WILL NOT SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE
  • live2smyle
    live2smyle Posts: 592 Member
    Seek the advice of reputable counsel in your area.
  • Bluesman77
    Bluesman77 Posts: 20
    Your weight is not destroying anything. The only weight that is an issue is the burden this must place on you. I agree with what everyone here has said. You cant live your life like this. I know it is easy for all of us to say, but sometime it takes an outside perepective to get the clear picture. I know it will not be easy, but in the long run, it will be worth it. Stand up for yourself. Let him know that he can no longer treat you this way. HE is the the one that needs to change, not you. If he is not willing, then he is going to loose out. Take care of yourself.
  • Jizes318
    Jizes318 Posts: 409 Member
    I'm pretty sure that those things could qualify as emotional abuse. Is he the one who said you wouldn't get anything in a divorce? Don't believe him. If he was fine with your not working, then you've grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle that he will have to maintain with alimony. I would find your own divorce attorney stat.



    I AGREE 100% He has provided you with a certain lifestyle and will be obligated to pay. In the proceeding they will put you at minimum wage and he will cover any and all difference. Everything accumulated in your 8 years etc is both of yours and split evenly. Take his *kitten* to court, work on your health for YOU and move on and finally be happy!
  • desperatemom
    desperatemom Posts: 8
    I am so so sorry to hear about the state that you're in. I have gained approx. 10-20 lbs per kid, (and I have 3) since my husband and I have been married. He has loved me when I gained 25 lbs and loved me when I lost 16 of it....that is what love really is. And I agree that there is nothing he can do, as far as trying to take everything in a divorce, if it is not written on a signed documentation. Do you have family or friends in NYC?? Maybe you could go stay w/ someone while you get a job and start the divorce procedures. I know, that as women it is hard to be strong when we are put through that kind of thing. But deep down in our guts we were given the strength. Reach down deep sista and you can do it. Good Luck. :)
  • wwagw72
    wwagw72 Posts: 45
    Your husband is a sad sad soul. He has been for a long time and it's not your fault!!!! Start doing your own thing, talk to a lawyer, find your own joy without conditions from him. Find your passion!!! This may be the first step of a very great life ahead. Don't allow him to spread negativity to your soul:) The weight will come off when you are ready for it to. Bless you and yours, been there and doing that now. Not fun but you can get through it.
  • brendansmom1
    brendansmom1 Posts: 526 Member
    :grumble: :grumble: :grumble: :angry: :angry: :angry: :noway: :noway: :noway: :noway: :noway:

    I am beside myself right now....this is flat out, no questions asked abuse. It's no wonder you gained weight. You were trying to "hide" from his BS.

    I am so so very sorry you are going through this. However, you are the only one that can change something. You have to do what is right for you.

    I wish you the best of luck.
  • s_ballchic_2
    s_ballchic_2 Posts: 15
    Holy Cow Hunny! Wow, I'm sorry but what a ****!!! You should not have to feel like you need to lose weight in order for him to love you. Talk to a lawyer, they will be able to help you figure out what you want to do. It doesnt hurt to find out your options
  • mlpautzke
    mlpautzke Posts: 13 Member
    I'm so sorry you are going through that! Your husband is emotionally abusing you by making comments like that and like someone else had said, he can't love you if he is saying that. Love is not a size, it's inside you! To feel better about yourself, you lose the weight for YOU, not your husband and I would suggest talking to someone about it. I am really sorry!
  • dbldip21
    dbldip21 Posts: 1
    I agree that it sounds like there is emotional abuse here. He sounds controlling which is also abusive. I would suggest speaking with a local attorney and contacting a domestic violence shelter/support group. Talking with a counselor could help with your decisions also. If he says he is not in love with you since you have gained some weight then he may not have been in love 8 years ago (he probably just thought he was). Maybe talking with your supports in NY will help with finding employment/places to stay that are more afordable than you think. Good luck! :flowerforyou:
  • Shadowcasting
    Shadowcasting Posts: 124 Member
    I'm sorry to read this. No one should be treated this way.

    Whether or not you WANT to leave or ever would, you should consider finding a professional to talk to. You need to take care of YOU. When someone abuses you and degrades you like that, you are the one who loses yourself. He wan'ts "the woman he married back", but I bet you want the women you really are inside and the woman you could be, back.

    I'm all for people getting healthier. I'm finally trying to do that myself. People here will support you if you let them. But weight is not the problem nor the answer in THIS particular situation. You should want to be healtier for you. Find someone on your side, who's only consideration is you (namely, a professional psychology, psychiatrist, etc.).

    I hope you're okay, and I hope you find a way to be truely happy (not just the fake smiles on the outside).

    And, btw, I think you're beautiful!
  • 36jessica
    36jessica Posts: 319 Member
    I'm new to MFP. I have gradually gained weight since I got married. About 80 pounds over eight years. I now weigh 230 pounds. Even when I was not overweight, my husband would threaten to leave me if I ever got fat. Now it's gotten to a point that he just flat out resents me for being fat. He offers no support when I attempt to lose weight. He says things like, "I've heard that before, and you won't do it, you haven't yet." He says that he wants the woman that he married back. He is a designer, and very superficial. He used to be kind, generous, and sweet. He says that he loves me, but not in love with me. And that he only wants to see me healthy and happy. Now, he is just there. One great example is when we were walking, I twisted my ankle and falling, and grabbed for he. He stepped away in a panic. When I called him out on it, he said "like I could support your weight anyway." Geez!

    I would leave him, but unfortunately, I was told that if I initiate the divorce, he get pretty much everything. I have been without a paying job for over 2 1/2 years. I feel stuck. Dependent on him for money to live. I really don't know what to do. I have been thinking of finding a job in NYC where I know I have a good support system. But the cost of living is too high. Any advice?

    My God! Please don't believe you deserve any of this! I went through the same thing 11 years ago when my ex-husband left me and my children -- and I wasn't even as heavy as I am now. He even cited it as one of the reasons for the separation.:mad: Never think you have to stay in a relationship because 'you can't do it on your own'. If you like, please add me as a friend if you'd like to 'talk' and you want some extra support. I know exacly what you're going through. As for your weight, it's YOUR business and how you deal with it is up to you. He is NOT the deciding factor.:smile:
  • Lisa__Michelle
    Lisa__Michelle Posts: 845 Member
    You have your information wrong on how he would get everything. Marriage is a binding document. Once you both entered a marriage the legal system sees EVERYTHING as 50/50 (even if he is the provider!!!!). Unless you signed a Prenup (which I hope you didn't), everything is 50/50 under law. You should start looking for a job.

    Another thing is, that IS ABUSE hun. Seriously, it is emotional abuse! Emotional abuse is worse than physical abuse too on a person!!! You should NOT be trying to lose weight for him, you should do it FOR YOU! He may say he loves you (even if he is not in love with you) BUT HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU OR CARE ABOUT YOU to say those things. A typical person would NEVER say anything like that to another human being that they even slightly care about. He should love you enough (even if it is in a friend way) to try to encourage you for your health and not bash on you for appearance reasons! You should try counceling before entering a divorce I would seriously recommend couples counseling. If he is still abusive after counseling, I would say seek a divorce.

    You ARE beautiful and deserve WAY better!
  • live2smyle
    live2smyle Posts: 592 Member
    Divorce laws vary from state to state. And so does the division of assets. Spousal support in some states, alimony in others. I say again...Seek Reputable Counsel in your area only they will know where you will stand in a divorce proceeding. They will probably also want you to start documenting all of this verbal abuse. Yes it is verbal abuse, but having each incident written down in a journal stating time, date & what was said will go alot further more than likely then He said this your honor.
  • MarybethAltizer
    MarybethAltizer Posts: 226 Member
    I am praying for you right now, because I was in a very similiar situation with my ex husband. The first words he taught our son to say was "ugly mommy" and point to me. He had many many affairs over our ten year marriage, and even when I was 119 pounds soaking wet, he still made me "feel" FAT. I would have rather been punched in the face than to have to endure what I did for so long... Now I am married to the most wonderful man, he builds my confidence daily, tells me how beautiful I am ALL THE TIME, and I feel so blessed. I know it's not the Lord's will for divorce to happen, but in my situation, He BLESSED me by letting my husband cheat, therefore giving me a biblical exuse to leave. It took alot. Even if your views aren't exactly like mine, I don't think
    God wants anyone to suffer like you are. Believe me, I know. I'm going to add you. Much ♥
  • UpToTheChallenge
    UpToTheChallenge Posts: 247
    So sorry to hear that. Like everyone else has said, his love for you shouldn't have changed because of some weight.
    Is there someone that will let you stay at their place until you get on your feet? You said you have a great support system in NYC so maybe that's what you should do.
    Also, do you have any kids? His emotional abuse could be taken out on them as well and it's not hard to get over when you're older (speaking from experience)
    You need to get out of that unhealthy relationship ASAP.

    Good luck <3
  • Becky1971
    Becky1971 Posts: 979 Member
    I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it's awful what he has done.
    I personally wouldn't care if it was possible to get something from him or not, I would leave, go far away, start my life over, focus on my needs and what i need to do. Money isn't worth abuse, it's just not. And if there are kids involved,which I would assume, but you didn't mention them, they certainly don't need to be living with parents in a dead marriage.
  • erinswing
    erinswing Posts: 3 Member
    Thank you everyone for your support! I need it & it means so much to me. I do believe, in hindsight, that I have been putting on weight to test him.

    Yes, my biggest fear is that my losing weight will not turn our marriage to the perfect one it was before. We have been married for over 10 years now. We used to be madly in love. My first post are kinder words that he now says. He used to say "I'm embarrassed to be seen with you." And refusing to do physical activities together because I can't keep up. It just sucks because we have made such a good home and circle of friends together. We have no kids, but 2 cats that I am bonded to. I have some close friends in NYC & area and believe I have better job opportunities up there.

    So scary. What to do for myself? Discuss with my husband? Reach out to NYC friends if I have stay with them? Start NYC job search?
  • TDGee
    TDGee Posts: 2,209 Member
    I'm going to say what everyone has been dancing around.:angry::mad:
    WHAT AN *kitten*!!:explode: :explode: :explode: :explode:

    Do what is best for you. And don't believe too much of the "the spouse will get everything" stuff. When I divorced, the "50/50" split turned out more like 90/10 in my ex's willfully unemployed favor. (still stings a bit after all these years)
    Do what you already know is best for you. Godspeed!
    Ted
  • KariQuiteContrary
    KariQuiteContrary Posts: 274 Member
    I am so sorry to hear you say that you are stuck. I've been there.....not to the extent you are but I can relate. This is without question emotional abuse. I agree that it would be a good idea to seek out the professional advice of both a counselor and a good divorce lawyer. You are worth much more than the way he is treating you. You deserve better and there is better out there. You deserve someone who loves you regardless of what you weigh. It's ok for a spouse to encourage you to lose weight because they are concerned for your health but it is entirely another for your spouse to berate and humiliate you by saying the things you've mentioned and I'm sure more that you haven't mentioned. Telling he's fallen out of love with you because of your weight makes one question how much he really loved you in the first place. I dealt with almost 5 years of this kind of mentality myself.....and with the strength and support of others I got myself out of it and I know I am a much happier and ultimately healthier person all around for it. Feel free to add me if you'd like. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to a healthier and happier you, no matter what road you take.
  • alaskan_blue
    alaskan_blue Posts: 24
    Unless you signed a pre-nup, marriage is a 50/50 split, and if you've been without a paying job for that long and he's been supporting you, in most states you would be a prime candidate for being awarded alimony. While it will definitely look better in the court if he brings suit for divorce first, I think you're better off leaving him anyway. What you've described is an indifferent man who is verbally abusive. While you need to lose weight to be healthy, I can assure, you your weight is NOT what is destroying your marriage. Your husband is, and he's just using your weight as an excuse to do so.
  • Lisa__Michelle
    Lisa__Michelle Posts: 845 Member
    I'm going to say what everyone has been dancing around.:angry::mad:
    WHAT AN *kitten*!!:explode: :explode: :explode: :explode:

    Do what is best for you. And don't believe too much of the "the spouse will get everything" stuff. When I divorced, the "50/50" split turned out more like 90/10 in my ex's willfully unemployed favor. (still stings a bit after all these years)
    Do what you already know is best for you. Godspeed!
    Ted

    So you mean to tell me that your ex-husband was unemployed and he walked away with almost everything because he didn't have a job?? Wow, I've always heard it was more even. Sucks for you!
  • live2smyle
    live2smyle Posts: 592 Member
    I dont want to be a downer here but I am going to say this hopefully you will take this as the advice its meant to be. NYC is one of the hardest city's in the US to live and survive in. The rent's are outrageous and the job market is hard to break into. If you have been a stay at home wife this is going to be an uber tough place to start over in.

    My best advice to you would be stay put and get a divorce attorney. I just looked up the laws of Ohio divorce and they will be able to help you.

    Spousal support is set up there on a case to case basis but your attorney should know where you stand. I wouldnt say squat to your husband about it because he is going to make your life a living hell I would imagine. Go see an attorney. The consultation is usually free.
  • Smokenmirrors
    Smokenmirrors Posts: 71 Member
    Excuse me. You seem like a really nice girl but... Your husband is a total ****. How any human being can treat another person like that is beyond me.

    Ask him if you are supposed to still love and care for him if he goes bald....

    You deserve so much better than that. Stick around here. The people here are great. Really supportive. When you get to your goal and feel great Dump that jerk.


    WHAT A Freakin Dirtbag!
  • Mkleder
    Mkleder Posts: 289
    I am so sorry to hear you're going through this. I lived through a similar situation in my last marriage. The only thing your weight is destroying is your own self confidence, and as mentioned previously, you could have added the weight simply as a way to deal with a control freak.

    In my case, I tuned him out, lost the weight for myself and then discovered that the marriage wasn't any better for it. Mr. Control didn't like my new self esteem and outgoing personality. I had "changed."

    My advice would be to reach out to friends and family for support you can count on, both in your weight loss journey and what may come of your marital situation.

    Use the time of your weight loss to work out the logistics of a separation, a career, and a new, independant life. It will give you the emotional strength and will power you need to face this guy down eye-to-eye.

    You don't have to end your marriage, but knowing what needs to be done and how you can do it to protect your best interests, makes you an equal in the marriage and it will change the dynamic of a relationship in need of repair.
  • NYCDutchess
    NYCDutchess Posts: 622 Member
    I didn't read through all pp's but I wanted to comment.

    1) He's an as***le!

    2) You SHOULD Loose the weight, because you are not at a healthy weight. DO IT FOR YOU!!! Not to save a marriage that may not be worth saving

    3) You get HALF of everything plus if you haven't worked in 2.5 years you will get spousal support!!!!

    4) Change what bothers you first...gain that self confidence. In the end everything else will fall into place...trust me.

    Hugs lady!! You deserve better!!
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