advice needed!

There are two different issues here. Well, maybe three!

-She regularly stands you up on plans, and she does not follow any rules of common courtesy to notify you that she will be unable to keep a date

-You worry about treating her the way you would anyone else who disrespects you in this way


My advice is that you keep the separate issues separate.

She is incredibly rude and inconsiderate. There is nothing wrong with telling her that you do not appreciate the fact that she can't even bother to call you to tell yo uthat she is about to stand you up. Be clear about how you feel and about what you want. 'Friend, when you fail to call and cancel our plans, I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. In the future, please call to cancel dates or I will not be able to continue making plans with you. "

See? That's not so difficult! It's not abusive, it's not over the top, and she can pull up her big-girl pants and decide what she wants to do from that point forward.

I used to have some chronically tardy friends and I explained that I would wait for them for 5 minutes ONLY if I had not heard from them to explain their delay. Yes, a few of them arrived long after I'd departed a meeting place. Only took once for them to never leave me hanging again.

Sounds like she has some deeper issues than simply being inconsiderate. Her habits are extremely unhealthy and I would sense there is more to the story than simply not calling or texting.

It sounds like she could use some professional help....however, people need to be willing to help themselves first.

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

Sometimes you just have to walk away.

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

That was NOT harsh, that was REAL! As a Friend (who is a Loved One) you have a "Duty" to pull a person (who is in danger) by their "coat tails," addict or not; if I love you, there is an PREsumption that I want what is Best for you. The responsibility is on Me (as a FRIEND) to TELL you what I SEE "Going On" with you and to give you alternatives or maybe I will leave. If I say nothing, just let you KILL and/or harm yourself, what kind of a "Friend" am I. Addicts do not have the ability to pull themselves up by their "bootstraps"...in the beginning they may need help.

UNFORTUNATELY, in today's world, so few people know how to be a Friend or what LOVE is, so many think it's all about the "Fluff."
Ask yourself, "If YOU were this young woman's Mother, she lived out of town and you only see her twice a year but talk on the phone 3 times a week; You do NOT know she (Your Daughter) has this (eating disorder), but her "best friend" does know about it. You get a phone call one day saying that Your daughter is in the hospital on a respirator, lungs collapsed because of the eating disorder and that she may die. You ask the "Friend" if she knew about your daughter's problem and the "friend" says yes, I knew about it. You (the Mother) asks her (friend) if she tried to do anything..."friend" responds, NO, that's her life, she knew what she was doing and should have stopped; she got what was expected, She HAD to KNOW. BUT she sure as hell got right about going to the beach and concerts with Me, cause I cussed her out about that...we sure had some good times partying and at the beach, too bad she might die or be in a wheel chair the rest of her life...Tough. NOW, What would be YOUR reaction to the "Friend" as a Mother? (But then, every women who gives birth is Not a Mother either.)

(apologies for the length!) Ok so i have a friend... shes a healthy weight but has developed an eating disorder where she will eat 0-500 cals a day for however long she can and then binge (and often purge) on food. I have eating issues so i understand where she is at. However, this is causing such issues on our friendship. For example, today we met at the beach, she was meant to be going home to get stuff to stay over and then coming back to mine. 2 hours later id text her twice and she hadn't replied. All this because she went home and binged on food and now doesn't want to go out because she feels sick. Don't get me wrong, i really do understand, but this thing happens ALL the time! At least once a week she will cancel and not even text or anything so i'm just left waiting not knowing whether she will turn up. When she finally does text me hours later, what should me reaction be? i want to be the supportive friend, and i don't want to make things worse or fall out, but i'm getting fed up. Surely she can spare 30 seconds to text me to say she isn't coming?!

ORIGINAL POST

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

That was NOT harsh, that was REAL! As a Friend (who is a Loved One) you have a "Duty" to pull a person (who is in danger) by their "coat tails," addict or not; if I love you, there is an PREsumption that I want what is Best for you. The responsibility is on Me (as a FRIEND) to TELL you what I SEE "Going On" with you and to give you alternatives or maybe I will leave. If I say nothing, just let you KILL and/or harm yourself, what kind of a "Friend" am I. Addicts do not have the ability to pull themselves up by their "bootstraps"...in the beginning they may need help.

UNFORTUNATELY, in today's world, so few people know how to be a Friend or what LOVE is, so many think it's all about the "Fluff."
Ask yourself, "If YOU were this young woman's Mother, she lived out of town and you only see her twice a year but talk on the phone 3 times a week; You do NOT know she (Your Daughter) has this (eating disorder), but her "best friend" does know about it. You get a phone call one day saying that Your daughter is in the hospital on a respirator, lungs collapsed because of the eating disorder and that she may die. You ask the "Friend" if she knew about your daughter's problem and the "friend" says yes, I knew about it. You (the Mother) asks her (friend) if she tried to do anything..."friend" responds, NO, that's her life, she knew what she was doing and should have stopped; she got what was expected, She HAD to KNOW. BUT she sure as hell got right about going to the beach and concerts with Me, cause I cussed her out about that...we sure had some good times partying and at the beach, too bad she might die or be in a wheel chair the rest of her life...Tough. NOW, What would be YOU reaction to the "Friend" as a Mother? (But then, every women who gives birth is Not a Mother either.)

You seem to be under the illusion that a friend or a mother can actually control someone else's behavior. Let me be honest to you: You can't! Telling someone's mom isn't going to make the problem going away. OP has tried in her own way to help her friend, but she also seems to know that she can only do so much. I think she is far more real than you!

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

That was NOT harsh, that was REAL! As a Friend (who is a Loved One) you have a "Duty" to pull a person (who is in danger) by their "coat tails," addict or not; if I love you, there is an PREsumption that I want what is Best for you. The responsibility is on Me (as a FRIEND) to TELL you what I SEE "Going On" with you and to give you alternatives or maybe I will leave. If I say nothing, just let you KILL and/or harm yourself, what kind of a "Friend" am I. Addicts do not have the ability to pull themselves up by their "bootstraps"...in the beginning they may need help.

UNFORTUNATELY, in today's world, so few people know how to be a Friend or what LOVE is, so many think it's all about the "Fluff."
Ask yourself, "If YOU were this young woman's Mother, she lived out of town and you only see her twice a year but talk on the phone 3 times a week; You do NOT know she (Your Daughter) has this (eating disorder), but her "best friend" does know about it. You get a phone call one day saying that Your daughter is in the hospital on a respirator, lungs collapsed because of the eating disorder and that she may die. You ask the "Friend" if she knew about your daughter's problem and the "friend" says yes, I knew about it. You (the Mother) asks her (friend) if she tried to do anything..."friend" responds, NO, that's her life, she knew what she was doing and should have stopped; she got what was expected, She HAD to KNOW. BUT she sure as hell got right about going to the beach and concerts with Me, cause I cussed her out about that...we sure had some good times partying and at the beach, too bad she might die or be in a wheel chair the rest of her life...Tough. NOW, What would be YOU reaction to the "Friend" as a Mother? (But then, every women who gives birth is Not a Mother either.)

You seem to be under the illusion that a friend or a mother can actually control someone else's behavior. Let me be honest to you: You can't! Telling someone's mom isn't going to make the problem going away. OP has tried in her own way to help her friend, but she also seems to know that she can only do so much. I think she is far more real than you!

The point is NOT about controlling someone's behavior, the POINT is about the duty of a Friend. Based on the ORIGINAL Post, if YOU were the FRIEND of the woman with the eating disorder...What would YOU DO?