advice needed!

There are two different issues here. Well, maybe three!

-She regularly stands you up on plans, and she does not follow any rules of common courtesy to notify you that she will be unable to keep a date

-You worry about treating her the way you would anyone else who disrespects you in this way


My advice is that you keep the separate issues separate.

She is incredibly rude and inconsiderate. There is nothing wrong with telling her that you do not appreciate the fact that she can't even bother to call you to tell yo uthat she is about to stand you up. Be clear about how you feel and about what you want. 'Friend, when you fail to call and cancel our plans, I'm frustrated, angry and hurt. In the future, please call to cancel dates or I will not be able to continue making plans with you. "

See? That's not so difficult! It's not abusive, it's not over the top, and she can pull up her big-girl pants and decide what she wants to do from that point forward.

I used to have some chronically tardy friends and I explained that I would wait for them for 5 minutes ONLY if I had not heard from them to explain their delay. Yes, a few of them arrived long after I'd departed a meeting place. Only took once for them to never leave me hanging again.

Thank you for your advice everyone. That reply was totally unnecessary, you have NO idea what i have done to support her thus far, Ive got her to the doctors and helped her tell her parents, i cannot do much more, she doesn't want to help herself out of it and while i want to continue to support her, i don't see what else i can do.If you have nothing positive to say, keep it to yourself because i came to this forum for support and in all honestly you've now made a crappy evening even worse. So don't go and assume that i haven't tried to support her, because i have, i just don't know what more i can do.



"To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend."

Well to me right now, you are useless at giving advice (and not a very nice person) so id stop trying to give it when you clearly have no clue.

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

That was NOT harsh, that was REAL! As a Friend (who is a Loved One) you have a "Duty" to pull a person (who is in danger) by their "coat tails," addict or not; if I love you, there is an PREsumption that I want what is Best for you. The responsibility is on Me (as a FRIEND) to TELL you what I SEE "Going On" with you and to give you alternatives or maybe I will leave. If I say nothing, just let you KILL and/or harm yourself, what kind of a "Friend" am I. Addicts do not have the ability to pull themselves up by their "bootstraps"...in the beginning they may need help.

UNFORTUNATELY, in today's world, so few people know how to be a Friend or what LOVE is, so many think it's all about the "Fluff."
Ask yourself, "If YOU were this young woman's Mother, she lived out of town and you only see her twice a year but talk on the phone 3 times a week; You do NOT know she (Your Daughter) has this (eating disorder), but her "best friend" does know about it. You get a phone call one day saying that Your daughter is in the hospital on a respirator, lungs collapsed because of the eating disorder and that she may die. You ask the "Friend" if she knew about your daughter's problem and the "friend" says yes, I knew about it. You (the Mother) asks her (friend) if she tried to do anything..."friend" responds, NO, that's her life, she knew what she was doing and should have stopped; she got what was expected, She HAD to KNOW. BUT she sure as hell got right about going to the beach and concerts with Me, cause I cussed her out about that...we sure had some good times partying and at the beach, too bad she might die or be in a wheel chair the rest of her life...Tough. NOW, What would be YOUR reaction to the "Friend" as a Mother? (But then, every women who gives birth is Not a Mother either.)

Frankly...ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Your concern is her "texting" you back? What kind of friend are you, what DO YOU THINK "SUPPORT IS?" Support is NOT all about being in Agreement with what someone does; Support is about BEING HONEST with them, especially if they are Doing something harmful/potentially harmful to themself or others, then being there for them as they try to change or contemplate change. If they decide to stay with the destructive behavior, AFTER you have been a TRUE FRIEND to them (Being Honest and willing to help) then you have to decide if you want to stay in the relationship...Is it Worth it.

To Me, right now, You are not a Friend...Or You don't know how to be a friend.

Wow, that was fairly harsh.

Her friend is an addict. Addicts are self-centered. Addicts lie--all the time--to themselves and everyone else.

Letting people who are in the throes of addictive behavior walk all over everyone around them is not 'friendship', it's enabling, co-dependent behavior.

One way that addicts learn that they are self-centered is by finding out that their friends will no longer put up with the behavior.

OP is trying to maintain a friendship that has become a one-way street because the other party is an addict. OP's trying. Her friend knows she's out of control--that why she doesn't call and cancel. OP can't force her friend into treatment. She's trying to maintain ties with the addict friend without continually feeling abused.

I don't understand the harshness of your reply.

That was NOT harsh, that was REAL! As a Friend (who is a Loved One) you have a "Duty" to pull a person (who is in danger) by their "coat tails," addict or not; if I love you, there is an PREsumption that I want what is Best for you. The responsibility is on Me (as a FRIEND) to TELL you what I SEE "Going On" with you and to give you alternatives or maybe I will leave. If I say nothing, just let you KILL and/or harm yourself, what kind of a "Friend" am I. Addicts do not have the ability to pull themselves up by their "bootstraps"...in the beginning they may need help.

UNFORTUNATELY, in today's world, so few people know how to be a Friend or what LOVE is, so many think it's all about the "Fluff."
Ask yourself, "If YOU were this young woman's Mother, she lived out of town and you only see her twice a year but talk on the phone 3 times a week; You do NOT know she (Your Daughter) has this (eating disorder), but her "best friend" does know about it. You get a phone call one day saying that Your daughter is in the hospital on a respirator, lungs collapsed because of the eating disorder and that she may die. You ask the "Friend" if she knew about your daughter's problem and the "friend" says yes, I knew about it. You (the Mother) asks her (friend) if she tried to do anything..."friend" responds, NO, that's her life, she knew what she was doing and should have stopped; she got what was expected, She HAD to KNOW. BUT she sure as hell got right about going to the beach and concerts with Me, cause I cussed her out about that...we sure had some good times partying and at the beach, too bad she might die or be in a wheel chair the rest of her life...Tough. NOW, What would be YOU reaction to the "Friend" as a Mother? (But then, every women who gives birth is Not a Mother either.)

You seem to be under the illusion that a friend or a mother can actually control someone else's behavior. Let me be honest to you: You can't! Telling someone's mom isn't going to make the problem going away. OP has tried in her own way to help her friend, but she also seems to know that she can only do so much. I think she is far more real than you!

The point is NOT about controlling someone's behavior, the POINT is about the duty of a Friend. Based on the ORIGINAL Post, if YOU were this woman with the eating disorder...What would YOU DO?

Theres more to it than the original post, as i explained, now if you need to sit here and argue over the internet to make you life more interesting then so be it, i shall leave to to it (and quite frankly i feel sorry for you). Thank you to everyone who has given proper advice and tried to understand.

Theres more to it than the original post, as i explained, now if you need to sit here and argue over the internet to make you life more interesting then so be it, i shall leave to to it (and quite frankly i feel sorry for you). Thank you to everyone who has given proper advice and tried to understand.

Yes, YOU had to come on the Internet for ADVICE...that is SAD. When You get some advice that You do not like, You cry about it. From what YOU Originally said, to Me, You are a bad friend...No Not a Friend at all. You come off as more interested in being texted back, knowing that your friend is binging and purging. You said you knew what she was doing, she has done it before. From what YOU SAID, your priorities seem out of place or mixed up. REMEMBER: YOU put your "stuff" on the Internet, think twice the next time, you may actually get advice from honest, emotionally mature people>>>like Me.

Theres more to it than the original post, as i explained, now if you need to sit here and argue over the internet to make you life more interesting then so be it, i shall leave to to it (and quite frankly i feel sorry for you). Thank you to everyone who has given proper advice and tried to understand.

I'm sorry the thread has been derailed. Hopefully you were able to find some advice to consider before things were diverted.

It is very difficult to maintain friendships with people who are not yet ready to fully participate in their own recovery. I've been there too.

But I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your friend to call and cancel when she can't keep a social date, no matter why she can't keep it.

Thanks, Ive spoken to her since i posted and explained that i want to be supportive but find it harder to do so when i feel like the whole thing is one sided. She agrees she should in future let me know when she cant keep to plans we have made. Were going to go back to the doctor next week, because last time they just fobbed her off with some group, which she couldn't attend because of work, hopefully this time they will be more helpful.