Is it normal to not be friends with your ex?

2

Replies

  • JtKeil
    JtKeil Posts: 1,389 Member
    helenarriaza wrote: »
    And the previous exes cheated on me, so... closing the chapters on them was a very good idea.

    It probably was, I hope you've managed to move on hun :)

  • mrswoodstock
    mrswoodstock Posts: 29 Member
    I would say (unless kids are involved) its abnormal to stay friends with your ex. there is a thin line between love and hate.

    I was with my ex 12 years. when he left he moved to another state and we attempted to stay friends. He continued the emotional abuse that he drove me crazy with via text until I turned his cell phone off (yes I was keeping his cell phone on so he would have it). when I started dating my current husband my ex said all kinds of horrible things about me including threatened me the one time I had to call him to deal with divorce stuff.

    my husband was friends with his ex for two years until he started dating me and then all of a sudden she wanted him back. and then when I got pregnant (she's infertile) she became the "crazy ex wife". stalking me and him on facebook, telling people our baby wasn't HIS baby (we now have two so who knows what shes saying now).

    I would say you have gotten lucky to not have had a relationship with a person crazy enough to NOT stay friends with. Many people don't share their "true colors" until later in the friendship or relationship. my husband pulled a total "bait and switch" with me. he was a complete sweety until we got married and gradually the abuse started.
  • loribethrice
    loribethrice Posts: 620 Member
    hortensehildegarde wrote: »
    A few recent comments where people said they wanted to lose weight to prove something to their ex made me wonder...

    I am friends with every ex I have not lost track of. They are awesome people (obviously or I wouldn't have been with them. Duh.)

    But the comments got me to wonder- do most people not stay friends with their romantic ex's?

    Why would you ever have been with them if you'd be ok to lose them as friends?

    I guess I always felt like I'd like to keep the important people that I love in my life, even when the space they properly fit in isn't the one I originally tried to put them in. Is that abnormal or am I just reading the odd set of responses of jaded ex's on the forums?

    I am not friends with any of my exes. I couldn't even imagine! I was good and over it by the time our relationships ended. I tried to be friends with my ex-fiance, but that didn't work out well and he ended up just being a HUGE jerk and making me hate myself.
  • ThinLizzie0802
    ThinLizzie0802 Posts: 863 Member
    I don't think it's uncommon to be friends with maybe one ex-someone you may have been friends with to begin, transitioned into romantic, and realized it just wasn't there but the friendship remained. However, to be friends with every ex you have is just clinging on to the past. I think it is cathartic to let go of that relationship and both move on. You don't have to cling on to every person you've been romantic with. I don't think that is healthy. I don't think showing an ex you've lost weight qualifies as friendship, either. And I feel that remaining friends with multiple exes is usually just a way to prove you still have some hold over them.
  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
    It really depends on the ex, why you split and what kind of obligation you still have with that person. I am civil with many of my exes, but I don't feel the need to seek them out and have friendly relationships with them. I get along fine with my ex husband and even work with him on occasion, but we have two kids and still have 11 years of joint decision making ahead of us. I am kind to my most recent ex because he has a son I have raised as my own since he was a few weeks old and I don't want to lose that connection. If it weren't for that I would probably not talk to him because we are just two totally different people.
  • OlyCapitalChick
    OlyCapitalChick Posts: 236 Member
    edited October 2014
    Pretty much been my philosophy..
    • Being civil & general acquaintances. sure.
    • Work together to put the kid first (if there was one). sure.
    • Caring about another's well-being and not wish ill-will.check.
    • Would help them if asked? Depends on the ask, but sure.
    But friends?!! like hey: "lets go to the movies or do you want to kick it this weekend?"

    HELL TO THE MF NO.
  • MomTo3Lovez
    MomTo3Lovez Posts: 800 Member
    I am friends with one ex which I had dated in High School so some 20 years ago, and 1 I am friends with as we have a daughter together who is almost 14....took quite a few years to get to a friend level....my ex husband however will never happen, even though we have 2 kids together he was a jerk and abusive and that friend status will never happen, I have a hard enough time getting him to communicate now about the kids...he's a loser and always will be.

    As for others I can see people being friends with their exes if they just drifted apart and their feelings changed to just a friend level.
  • BlueBombers
    BlueBombers Posts: 4,064 Member
    helenarriaza wrote: »
    After my ex encouraged me to go on and kill myself while I was on a suicidal episode (among other gems like that), that pretty much turned down my friendship interest.

    OMG that is just awful!!

  • Cardio4Cupcakes
    Cardio4Cupcakes Posts: 289 Member
    I have nothing against my exes but I wish them well and to never see them again.
  • JtKeil
    JtKeil Posts: 1,389 Member
    OlyCapitalChick wrote: »
    Pretty much been my philosophy..
    • Being civil & general acquaintances. sure.
    • Work together to put the kid first (if there was one). sure.
    • Caring about another's well-being and not wish ill-will.check.
    • Would help them if asked? Depends on the ask, but sure.
    But friends?!! like hey: "lets go to the movies or do you want to kick it this weekend?"

    HELL TO THE MF NO.
    lol

    I'm so glad you're my MFP buddie ;)
  • lyrical_melody
    lyrical_melody Posts: 242 Member
    I have civil relationships with some...and others are completely not in my life anymore. I personally would not be able to be "friends" with an ex. I can be civil...call on their bday, see how they are doing, etc....but none of this hanging out like before stuff.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    I don't dislike any of my exes, and I've stayed in touch off and on. But some people are truly horrible people and staying friends with them isn't an option.

    I think it depends on why the relationship ended -- were you simply not romantically compatible or did someone do something really bad to the other person?

    And then you have my fiance's ex-wife who turned into a nasty, spiteful monster when they got divorced. She treats her own family petty crappy, so it's not really possible to be friends with her. But they have a daughter so he does his best to be nice to her.
  • CaitlinW19
    CaitlinW19 Posts: 431 Member
    I've been friends with some of them for a while, but typically we just go our seperate ways...they have their friends and I have mine so I've never made an effort to keep up a friendship outside of that. There isn't bad blood or anything and we can still be friendly when we bump into eachother but that's about it. If we shared all the same friends I'm sure I'd be friends with them but that just isn't the case.
  • ItsMeGee3
    ItsMeGee3 Posts: 13,254 Member
    18 years later & I still have nightmares.
  • mysweetjenna
    mysweetjenna Posts: 52 Member
    I am! Sometimes you just don't work out romantically, but that doesn't mean you can't as friends. Shoot, my ex is actually officiating my wedding! If the split was amicable and the adults involved actually know how to behave as adults, there shouldn't be a problem.
  • mank32
    mank32 Posts: 1,323 Member
    hortensehildegarde wrote: »
    I guess I always felt like I'd like to keep the important people that I love in my life, even when the space they properly fit in isn't the one I originally tried to put them in.

    bang on.

    one of my exes is my mother's neighbor (that's how we met). he was de facto adopted into my family and is now my little cousin's surrogate dad, coaches him in Little League, etc. I still visit and walk the dogs we kept together, we play wiffleball with the boy. he's as much a part of my family as I am.

    I stayed "friends" with a different ex for a few years, then it became clear he had been keeping me on his "potential sexual property" string and our "friendship" really had been a sham. I'm pleased to be done with that friendship.
  • TheStephil
    TheStephil Posts: 858 Member
    I never understood the idea of trying to lose weight to prove something to an ex or get back at them. If that is your only motive then its most likely not to last.

    I am not friends with any of my exs. A few of them we simply just didn't get along romantically and ended it but still hung out with our group of friends. Eventually though I moved on from those friends and just lost contact. My two long term exs ended badly so I have no desire to see them again.

    I don't usually date guys that I am friends with first. I keep my friends as strictly friends.
  • hortensehildegarde
    hortensehildegarde Posts: 592 Member
    good points all around.

    And yes I guess I should have asked about being "friendly", not necessarily friends. As in, you don't wish ill will on them and would have a normal conversation like you would with any other person you knew if you ran into them in public. You are friended to them on FB and comment on cute pics of their families. Stuff like that. Sounds like that is pretty typical so long as said ex didn't do something horrible (which of course it makes sense if someone did something awful like abuse, just seems like some people hate their ex just because said ex didn't want them in that way).
  • YearsWorthOfFAT
    YearsWorthOfFAT Posts: 210
    Not everyone's relationship ended positively. Just like there's a reason you got together, there's also a reason that made you break up. And most likely the people who said that went through a fairly recent break up, bc feelings like that usually wither away as time goes on.
  • jspanman
    jspanman Posts: 686 Member
    I tried to stay friends with my ex fiancé but the guy she had been having sex with behind my back for a year and then ran off with taking with her everything in my house didn't agree with it!
  • Alluminati
    Alluminati Posts: 6,208 Member
    hortensehildegarde wrote: »
    good points all around.

    And yes I guess I should have asked about being "friendly", not necessarily friends. As in, you don't wish ill will on them and would have a normal conversation like you would with any other person you knew if you ran into them in public. You are friended to them on FB and comment on cute pics of their families. Stuff like that. Sounds like that is pretty typical so long as said ex didn't do something horrible (which of course it makes sense if someone did something awful like abuse, just seems like some people hate their ex just because said ex didn't want them in that way).

    Right? OP, just accept that you're a special snowflake because you would never EVER think to cut off relationships with ex's like these other plebs on here. You're so enlightened!
  • david2831g78
    david2831g78 Posts: 79 Member
    I see your point. I would have to say you are lucky it has always ended well.
  • BlackhawkBearFan
    BlackhawkBearFan Posts: 2 Member
    edited October 2014
    I would have to say it depends on the situation. I have remained friends with some. Other's have made it impossible because of their behavior, even if they ended it. Sometimes it might work out later once emotions have died down. Then, you also have to consider the complications it can create in new relationships. It's complicated. LOL
  • Joannah700
    Joannah700 Posts: 2,665 Member
    If I could be friends with my ex's I would.

    They were all awesome people who I would want to spend time with - but after you cut off a romantic relationship, some people can't do the transition. My exes have all been the type who can't handle the transition.

    Maybe one day..but not anytime soon.
  • scasey1656
    scasey1656 Posts: 89 Member
    I think a lot of times it is just easier to let an ex go. Break-ups aren't always so cut and dry. I recently got out a relationship and honestly, I'm still in love with the guy but unfortunately the relationship just won't work. If I continue to see him I could encounter a moment of weakness and end up hurting more in the long run.

    It also tends to make future relationships more difficult. Jealousy issues, etc. I'm friendly with exes but as far as being "friends" I wouldn't say that's the case. It always seems like it will be super hard to never talk to them but time heals all wounds. It might take awhile but we eventually get over it.
  • in_the_stars
    in_the_stars Posts: 1,395 Member
    edited October 2014
    hortensehildegarde wrote: »
    A few recent comments where people said they wanted to lose weight to prove something to their ex made me wonder...

    I am friends with every ex I have not lost track of. They are awesome people (obviously or I wouldn't have been with them. Duh.)

    But the comments got me to wonder- do most people not stay friends with their romantic ex's?

    Why would you ever have been with them if you'd be ok to lose them as friends?

    I guess I always felt like I'd like to keep the important people that I love in my life, even when the space they properly fit in isn't the one I originally tried to put them in. Is that abnormal or am I just reading the odd set of responses of jaded ex's on the forums?


    I still love the people I've loved, or I would not have shared my life with them in the first place. Loving someone doesn't mean that I'm still in a romantic relationship with them, does it?

    I can't imagine intentionally trying to hurt or cause them harm in any way. I guess I'm abnormal. *shrug*

  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    I only had one long-term relationship prior to my current marriage. That was my ex husband who I was with for 4 1/2 long years. He was the biological father to my son. That was the only way he was a father to him. I am not friends with him and dislike him intensely. I married him when I was 18 and too dumb to realize what a huge mistake it would be.

    My current husband and I have been together for 24 years and I can't imagine my life without him in it. If he were to leave me for any reason (I don't see that happening), I would not be able to be friends with him because it would break my heart.
  • Cathalain
    Cathalain Posts: 424 Member
    I'm not unfriendly toward my X's, but neither am I particularly welcoming of their attention. It ended because it wasn't the right time or relationship for me, and while I wish them well, I don't particularly feel anything toward any of them.

    I don't like to say "apathetic", but that word pretty much covers it.
  • Forty6and2
    Forty6and2 Posts: 2,492 Member
    Some of my ex's turned out to be abusive which is why I no longer have contact with them. If I had an easy breakup with somebody, I'd be fine keeping them as friends but that hasn't been the case for me thus far.
  • hortensehildegarde
    hortensehildegarde Posts: 592 Member
    OdesAngel wrote: »
    hortensehildegarde wrote: »
    good points all around.

    And yes I guess I should have asked about being "friendly", not necessarily friends. As in, you don't wish ill will on them and would have a normal conversation like you would with any other person you knew if you ran into them in public. You are friended to them on FB and comment on cute pics of their families. Stuff like that. Sounds like that is pretty typical so long as said ex didn't do something horrible (which of course it makes sense if someone did something awful like abuse, just seems like some people hate their ex just because said ex didn't want them in that way).

    Right? OP, just accept that you're a special snowflake because you would never EVER think to cut off relationships with ex's like these other plebs on here. You're so enlightened!

    LOL. Um. Huh? Pretty sure I just said the exact opposite (that I can understand cutting of a relationship with an abusive person, or one who developed a mental disorder, had that happen to a friend of mine and she had to divorce her husband due to his schizophrenia and had to stay away from him because he was dangerous. It was a really sad situation. but I digress). I was mostly just curious about just splitting up romantically just cause you aren't compatible in that way.

    But yes I *am* special, thanks for noticing ;)

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