Non supportive spouse
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Ah...That's sure reminded me of my situation and he kept telling me I am beautiful no matter how I look now. He never seem to understand that I need to sweat it out and keep fit.0
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Yeah, so OP ain't running any marathons. At least not today.
Not wanting your partner to do something that you perceive as harmful is way different than scarfing down a bag of chips in front of their face.
I'm not saying to be to extreme, but how freaking hard is it to hide chips if you ask your partner to hide chips?!? To refuse to do even that? Yeah, I'd be angry too LOL!!!
Everyone's situation is different but it does seem like at some point a partner's non-support (or flat out sabotage of efforts) might deserve a trip to a counselor to help with communication issues as it seems downright cruel. Your partner should not do cruel things to you as a matter of daily routine.
Just because you can and are doing it for yourself doesn't mean your best friend shouldn't be happy to help you in your endeavors.
ETA: And why would anyone accept open mockery? Unless your partner is doing it in a playful fashion and you find it fun, or even if it's serious and you think it's a fair assessment, having them outright mock you for something you feel positively about trying to do also seems excessively cruel.0 -
I see a theme running through a lot of tese comments - the focus on appearance in the eyes of partners, and I find that really quite sad. Do these partners not realize what obesity does to one's health? Do they understand what obesity looks like? Maybe explaining these facts might help?
I lost weight because of health, pure and simple. I couldn't care less how I ended up looking, and honestly, DH has commented that I'm more bony than I used to be, but he'll get over it. I'm a healthy weight, I have less fat, stats and studies suggest I'll live longer and healthier as a result. Who cares if my boobs have shrunk, when I'm hoping to live an extra 20 active years?
As for the "support" thing, DH didn't actively support me. He thought I was anal/crazy/obsessive for logging, but it didn't stop me. The best thing he's done is not comment or really get involved, but give me the space to figure this whole healthy weight/diet thing out by myself. Yeah, sure, he offered me treats/drinks and even tried to put food on my plate (which I've always hated, and which made me hit the roof), but even he gets bored of me always saying no..
So maybe just do it for yourself and your loved ones, but focus on being strong and doing it BY yourself.0 -
Communicate early and often. Do not let it go. Have the tough conversations. Try to get on the same page.0
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I don't really understand this. My partner and I have a very close relationship. We can talk pretty freely about anything, but what I choose to eat is not really a topic of conversation. I don't see why it's something he would have any input into? It's certainly none of my business what he eats or when, or how much he weighs. I mean, I cook for him when he's hungry (or he cooks) but I don't get bent out of shape when he sits on the lounge and eats a bag of nuts or lollies. His business.
Same with the teenagers. Do I care if they get a pizza or bring home McDonalds? Not really. I cook most nights, either something we can all eat, or I make myself something else (3 or 4 serves so I don't have to bother about it for a few days). I ride my horse, I go for a walk at lunch time. But my point is, it's such a non-issue in our relationship.0 -
you know what? you probably gained your weight in a slow and unnoticeable fashion without intending it, much less announcing it. you've changed (in your opinion probably for the worst) but it was unnoticeable to him and he just kept loving you anyways.
when we announce that we intend to lose weight, it probably conjures up images of weight loss shows where the person changes drastically and fast (sometimes in the span of 30 minutes plus commercials!).
so he may be only reacting to the idea of CHANGE. not necessarily not wanting you to be better, faster, healthier, prettier, or whatever your intentions are. many people are averse to change and that's probably the only worry he has. so just do your thing and keep things to yourself and as slowly as the weight comes off he will continue to love you as you shrink just as he loved you while you gained.0 -
I don't really understand this. My partner and I have a very close relationship. We can talk pretty freely about anything, but what I choose to eat is not really a topic of conversation. I don't see why it's something he would have any input into? It's certainly none of my business what he eats or when, or how much he weighs. I mean, I cook for him when he's hungry (or he cooks) but I don't get bent out of shape when he sits on the lounge and eats a bag of nuts or lollies. His business.
Same with the teenagers. Do I care if they get a pizza or bring home McDonalds? Not really. I cook most nights, either something we can all eat, or I make myself something else (3 or 4 serves so I don't have to bother about it for a few days). I ride my horse, I go for a walk at lunch time. But my point is, it's such a non-issue in our relationship.
I feel like people only start caring what you eat or drink when you start talking about it or it otherwise becomes an issue. Proclamations of weight loss or food rejecting are probably the first things that put these topics on the table and then it's downhill from there. Least that's what I notice in my relationships. The minute one person says they intend to lose (or gain) weight, or avoid an entire food group or copy someone's eating style, then the floodgates open and a slow but steady and persistent theme of food shaming emerges.
ETA: At least that's what I've noticed in the relationships around me, including mine and those of my friends and those of friends with one another. One lady blurted she wouldn't eat carbs and it became the topic for the next 20 minutes. When really there were more important things to discuss.
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MyChocolateDiet wrote: »I don't really understand this. My partner and I have a very close relationship. We can talk pretty freely about anything, but what I choose to eat is not really a topic of conversation. I don't see why it's something he would have any input into? It's certainly none of my business what he eats or when, or how much he weighs. I mean, I cook for him when he's hungry (or he cooks) but I don't get bent out of shape when he sits on the lounge and eats a bag of nuts or lollies. His business.
Same with the teenagers. Do I care if they get a pizza or bring home McDonalds? Not really. I cook most nights, either something we can all eat, or I make myself something else (3 or 4 serves so I don't have to bother about it for a few days). I ride my horse, I go for a walk at lunch time. But my point is, it's such a non-issue in our relationship.
I feel like people only start caring what you eat or drink when you start talking about it or it otherwise becomes an issue. Proclamations of weight loss or food rejecting are probably the first things that put these topics on the table and then it's downhill from there. Least that's what I notice in my relationships. The minute one person says they intend to lose (or gain) weight, or avoid an entire food group or copy someone's eating style, then the floodgates open and a slow but steady and persistent theme of food shaming emerges.
ETA: At least that's what I've noticed in the relationships around me, including mine and those of my friends and those of friends with one another. One lady blurted she wouldn't eat carbs and it became the topic for the next 20 minutes. When really there were more important things to discuss.
I reckon that's right. It becomes an issue because it's made into an issue. Every day life is about navigation the cakes and pizza and well meaning friends and family and their comments and food enabling, and dinners out and all manner of other things. Stay centered. Do your thing. Decide what to put into your body, and how much you do, and don't seek validation from others. I reckon alot of partners do feel threatened, because part of marriage is getting comfortable in your rut together, and men especially, hate to change that. "We've always had pizza night on Friday, now we can't?"0 -
This is extremely common, and usually with the people closest to us, unfortunately. Responses here show that you're clearly not alone.
The reasons for it are situational, but it's important to know that their reaction is all about *them* and not you. Here are some scenarios to consider.- ANGER: Your self-improvement work proves you (and they) have the power to change things you're unhappy with (and not just weight-related), and this invalidates excuses they tell themselves for why they aren't doing so. In other words - if you can do it, so can they, but they aren't ready or willing to do so (right now), so they just project their anger (at themselves) towards you.
- FEAR/INSECURITY: They are insecure and worry that your self-improvement will a) increase your attractiveness to others, or b) decrease your relative reliance on, or attraction, to them. In other words - in their mind you'd become "too good" for them, and therefore their (perceived) risk of losing you increases.
- CONCERN/IGNORANCE: (Ignorance might be a strong word, but most accurate.) This happens often with parents who equate feeding you with loving you, or they've grown accustomed to seeing you at a certain size/weight all your life. Their worry is that you'll overdo it, or are losing weight due to stress, and you'll get "too thin" or "unhealthy" even when you and your doctor know you're far from it.
In all these cases, and more, all you can really do is focus on your health and your progress, remind people in your life that you love them (reassurance is especially important for the insecurity issue) and would really appreciate their support (but that their lack of support won't change your path one bit), and that what you're doing makes you happy.
Hang in there!0 -
This is extremely common, and usually with the people closest to us, unfortunately. Responses here show that you're clearly not alone.
The reasons for it are situational, but it's important to know that their reaction is all about *them* and not you. Here are some scenarios to consider.- ANGER: Your self-improvement work proves you (and they) have the power to change things you're unhappy with (and not just weight-related), and this invalidates excuses they tell themselves for why they aren't doing so. In other words - if you can do it, so can they, but they aren't ready or willing to do so (right now), so they just project their anger (at themselves) towards you.
- FEAR/INSECURITY: They are insecure and worry that your self-improvement will a) increase your attractiveness to others, or b) decrease your relative reliance on, or attraction, to them. In other words - in their mind you'd become "too good" for them, and therefore their (perceived) risk of losing you increases.
- CONCERN/IGNORANCE: (Ignorance might be a strong word, but most accurate.) This happens often with parents who equate feeding you with loving you, or they've grown accustomed to seeing you at a certain size/weight all your life. Their worry is that you'll overdo it, or are losing weight due to stress, and you'll get "too thin" or "unhealthy" even when you and your doctor know you're far from it.
In all these cases, and more, all you can really do is focus on your health and your progress, remind people in your life that you love them (reassurance is especially important for the insecurity issue) and would really appreciate their support (but that their lack of support won't change your path one bit), and that what you're doing makes you happy.
Hang in there!
This hits the nail on the head! so many loved ones don't know how to properly convey what they're feeling- their thoughts or fears, so they become closed off, or unsupportive, because they don't realize that this choice is first and foremost best for YOUR health, and for your relationship in the long term. Being the healthiest person you can be, would *hopefully* provide the two of you with a longer, more fulfilling life together.
Maybe, sit down and explain to your husband that it's not just about losing weight, but overall health. It's not just a "looks" thing. So many people hear, I'm going to lose weight, and like the poster above mentioned- if there's any insecurity, they automatically think "oh no, he/she will lose weight and leave me!" when that's not even on your radar! If your husband understands that you're wanting to lose weight to help with general health, your medical issues, and working out certainly does boost endorphins which can help with depression (granted, this is by no means a cure or substitute or any medications or other treatments you may be taking, but it definitely can be a help!), in addition to improving overall health. Maybe if your husband understood the overall benefits to you making a lifestyle change, that it's having you around longer with him, and being healthy, that he might be a little more supportive.
Regardless, you can do this! Keep your head up, and keep going! Remember all of the positives, and why you wanted to do this! It is worth it, you are worth it!
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Did we ever establish in what ways the OP's husband doesn't support her?0
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Hmmm I find this interesting. It would be nice to know more specifically how he isn't supportive.
In my relationship he can scarf chips in front of me all he wants, I don't care. I don't expect him to change his eating, or start working out or in anyway join me on this journey. (The guy is a friggin beanpole!). I don't talk to him about it much I just do my thing.
But on occasions when I do tell him about a goal I have it how close I am to reaching it he cheers me on for sure! And comforts me when I struggle.
He tells me I'm beautiful no matter what size I am, he just wants me to be happy. And that's all the support I need.
Being supportive means different things to different people so more info about the OPs situation really would be great.0 -
I wonder what the OP means when she says her husband doesn't support her. I often hear people complaining about others being "unsupportive" and "sabotaging their weightloss" usually because the evil evil spouse had the nerve to bring chocolates into their own home. The nerve!
Then you have the people who are yo-yo dieters. Their spouses see the yo-yo rolling again and roll their eyes/are unsupportive. The yo-yo-er comes to MFP, laments how they never lose weight because their spouse doesn't support them, when really it's the other way around: the spouse is unsupportive because the weight loss is not a real commitment. It's just words and fads and then back to old habits.
OP: What is he doing? How does it make you feel when he says or does what he says or does? Talk to him about it, not the internet.0 -
I know it isnt easy. My husband until recently was very much an enabler for me. He would go to the gym with me and even work out with me. But, he would have no problem stopping for fast food for dinner or asking me if i wanted a soda or something for lunch. I know a lot of people will say i should of had more will power. It wasnt easy and then when i was way under my calorie allowance, He didnt care.
Honestly, it took my personal trainer sitting down with him an explaining to him that i need his support not only in goiivng to the gym but also in eating. That he needed to be there for me. That he needed to check in to see if i was getting enough calories etc. After that talk, he has been much more supportive. He even has gone so far as to tell me know when i ask for chips or chocolate or whatever. I dont see him as bossy but I see and feel like he truly cares. In the end, I realize as long as he supports me in this that is all that is matters. I support him in his weight loss. But, i also know all i can do is point things out and make healthy lunches and dinner for him. I cant control what he does when he is at work.0 -
Keep continuing and don't let anyone stand in your way! You got this!!0
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WTF? Come on - how many of you would refuse to support your partner? How many of you would not mind your children so your partner could exercise? How many of you would insist on having crap food in the house, let alone eating it in front of your partner? How many of you would undermine or sabatage a loved one's attempts to be happier and healthier?
"Appreciate the support at any level" my foot!
I agree with this, she's not angry, she's realistic. Keep throwing out the crap and go to the gym. I couldn't be with someone who wasn't supportive of me. Thank goodness I'm not.0 -
Just because you have changed your lifestyle does not give you the right to demand that the people in your household do the same. The best way to get your spouse on board with your new way of living is to demonstrate its positive aspects, not lecture and nag about how unhealthy they are currently being. Trust me. They already know. Be upbeat, full of energy and ready to go all the time and the good vibes will become infectious.-1
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