How to encourage without hurting feelings?
Options
Replies
-
First, it seems that those who have been here the shortest want to give the most advice. Enthusiasm is a good thing. However, this is a personal journey and the longer you are here, you will discover that it gets harder being good all the time.
Everyone is here for a different reason and have different relationships with food, eating, and the emotions that go with those relationships. The same with exercise. Some have health, physical, personal and financial issues that make it difficult if not almost impossible. Some must first lose weight to even be able to be able to allow themselves to go to the gym or put on a swimsuit.
I have enough trouble with my own journey let alone worrying about someone else's. So, I will only give advice if sincerely asked, and then only in a private message.
If I see things on a diary at the end of the day in the newsfeed that are really out of whack, I just ignore it. If the person is under, but maybe not the healthiest way (like myself a lot of the time), I will maybe just "like." I will comment to those who are really trying and who are consistent. But, only with an "at-a-boy;" never with criticism. I will quietly unfriend people who quit logging, who hide their diaries, who obviously aren't even trying and are always over (especially if they complain about not losing), and those who criticize others or me without being asked.
I came to MFP to learn, to get healthier, to lose weight, and to become the best that this wonky-hearted, arthritic, 63-year old, overweight, gray-haired woman can be. As I go, I get better at it. As I go, I am also more likely to screw-up a day. So, give me a pat on the back for trying, but, in most cases, keep your opinions to yourself.
0 -
GordieLaChance wrote: »How would one kindly say, 'you're under your goal, but the food you're eating is absolutely terrible!' without hurting feelings?
You don't. Coming from someone who needed to continue to eat junk while reducing calories just to be a little successful, and sometimes still need to, it's not your place to say anything at all.
Keep doing your thing, some people have a much harder life than you and you do not know anyone else's struggles, so saying something to someone without knowing their circumstances can be very harmful.
I know you just want to be helpful and not at all upsetting, but it's better that you just don't say anything at all. If you think you'll say something no matter what, then it's better to delete the person.0 -
I think most of us eat junk food at times. While i try to eat healthy most of the time, I do plan for and allow junk as well. I don't know if i'd appreciate a friend commenting every time I ate something they considered unhealthy.
Instead of messaging the one friend, why don't you try adding motivational updates to your own profile. "Don't forget your 4-6 servings of fruit/veggies today" "Eat healthy, love yourself" etc. I don't do that, but I do have a friend that posts motivational messages every day and I always read it.0 -
GordieLaChance wrote: »Perhaps it's none of my business but I was under the impression the purpose of an open diary was for receiving insight. This person added me because she said I seemed inspirational. Alas, I'll keep my trap shut. Thanks for the insight everyone!
There are at least as many reasons to keep an open diary as there are people on MFP. I find that it's best not to assume why someone keeps their diary open or closed around here. I've been surprised too many times when people talk about some of the reasons behind that choice.
0 -
2.) Be patient and encourage, using suggestions from your own diet ("Oh, I see you like grilled cheese! Have you tried it on "this (whatever brand)" kind of whole wheat before?" or "I love ice cream too. You should totally try blending a frozen banana with PB!"
This is an amazing idea. One that I would respond to. Offering suggestions based on my current problems is a positive way to help someone without them knowing you are trying to correct them. I love chips, and can tolerate Kale, so I'm planning on trying kale chips. But, according to my sister, be careful of the word "should", because some people find that word bossy.
Best of Luck!!!0 -
I have my diary open to friends, and have had a few say it all processed, no veg, no salad, no fruit, and I simply reply, it works for me and my health conditions, end of.
But I appreciated them taking the time to at least show they were thinking about me.
I prefer to send a message if i feel anything is worrying to me about their diary, normally if the calories way too low, I just gently ask how they doing and if everything is ok, how they feeling etc.
But if someone wants to eat 4 pizza a day to keep their calories normal, thats their choice, non of my business, as long as they happy and not doing any life threatening harm to themselves, i say good for them, go with whats easy to manage
0 -
I delete people who's diaries annoy me.... I wouldn't say anything unless asked for advice.
I don't really follow many peoples diaries though, unless they are super active....some people I keep around for entertainment though....0 -
I think your heart is in the right place, but unless she specifically asks for input, it's really none of your business.
I eat a lot of junk, too. I'm not super proud of it, and I wouldn't encourage people to eat the same kinds of food that I do, but I'm content because my diet is currently so much better than I used to be. I'm all about small, gradual changes and improvements. Anyway, I would be pretty mortified if one of my friends took it upon themselves to negatively comment on what I eat, and we wouldn't be friends for long.0 -
You don't know what inspires or helps the person. They may not have meant that they want you to give them all this advice or tell them how to eat. You have no idea what inspires and helps them and you may in fact do just the opposite. If you really want to you could message them "Hey, I know you added me as a friend because you feel I inspire you. I was wondering if you wanted any particular help? I could give you some advice on things that I notice could affect your weight loss, but I don't want to step out of line." If they message back that they would like the advice on things to change, then go ahead and message them about what they are eating. If they never respond or message back they don't want the advice, than leave them alone. You may want people to be all in your business about what you eat, other people don't like that. If you truly want to help this person, do it their way not your way!0
-
grandmothercharlie wrote: »First, it seems that those who have been here the shortest want to give the most advice. Enthusiasm is a good thing. However, this is a personal journey and the longer you are here, you will discover that it gets harder being good all the time.
Everyone is here for a different reason and have different relationships with food, eating, and the emotions that go with those relationships. The same with exercise. Some have health, physical, personal and financial issues that make it difficult if not almost impossible. Some must first lose weight to even be able to be able to allow themselves to go to the gym or put on a swimsuit.
I have enough trouble with my own journey let alone worrying about someone else's. So, I will only give advice if sincerely asked, and then only in a private message.
If I see things on a diary at the end of the day in the newsfeed that are really out of whack, I just ignore it. If the person is under, but maybe not the healthiest way (like myself a lot of the time), I will maybe just "like." I will comment to those who are really trying and who are consistent. But, only with an "at-a-boy;" never with criticism. I will quietly unfriend people who quit logging, who hide their diaries, who obviously aren't even trying and are always over (especially if they complain about not losing), and those who criticize others or me without being asked.
I came to MFP to learn, to get healthier, to lose weight, and to become the best that this wonky-hearted, arthritic, 63-year old, overweight, gray-haired woman can be. As I go, I get better at it. As I go, I am also more likely to screw-up a day. So, give me a pat on the back for trying, but, in most cases, keep your opinions to yourself.
That is amazing advice. It's true that she may be eating unhealthy for a variety of reasons, but at least she is staying within her calorie goals. At least she is on this site at all and trying. I am wondering if there are circumstances that make it harder to eat healthier. Healthy food is more expensive and usually takes longer to prepare. You have no idea what her environment is like or what struggles she is facing. You may think you are helping her, but maybe she is trying her hardest with the cards that were dealt her.0 -
Offering advice on forums centered around what people are most self-conscious about is super tricky. There are so many different kinds of people and they all act different when they are feeling vulnerable and fighting their demons.
Some people need compassion and hand holding and a gentle guide to lead them through.
Some people need foul language and insults.
Some people need a revolutionary motivational speech.
Some people need a hilarious pep talk with pics and gifs.
Some people need straight talk and a butt kick.
You don't know what kind of encouragement a person prefers until you open your mouth. A lot of people will ignore your tone if it isnt the kind they react to best. Instead they will gravitate naturally toward someone who IS delivering it the way they like. Except the ones that like the hand holding. If you offer something other than that, they rip your face off and accuse you of being a horrible person with no sense of decency.
Which isn't true. It just means you fall into a different category of personalities. Everyone else gets it, someday they will too 0 -
GordieLaChance wrote: »She is within her calorie goal but it's the source of her calories that's concerning. From the posters above, I'm seemingly overstepping bounds so from now on I will not worry myself with the eating habits of others.
Concerning is a strong word for internet strangers...
Anyway, the reality is that you can lose weight while eating fast food as long as you have a deficit. Her goal may be to just lose the weight. Is it the way I would go about it? Probably not. But, there are plenty of people on here who have been very successful eating smaller portions of whatever they want. It's not up to you, or me, or anyone really to micromanage someone's diet.
Also, what you think is "garbage" may actually be a step in the right direction for someone. Further, what you think is "garbage" may not really be that bad. Case in point, I got yelled at by someone on my friend's list for eating Thai food. I mean, wut? He was promptly deleted.
TL;DR - mind your own business unless someone asks for help.
0 -
GordieLaChance wrote: »Hello everyone,
I'm new to MFP and I'd like to be interactive and helpful to my MFP pals. I've noticed some people seem to think they're eating healthy by simply cutting calories. Problem is, the calories they consume are garbage calories.
How would one kindly say, 'you're under your goal, but the food you're eating is absolutely terrible!' without hurting feelings?
You are not allowed to comment, sorry. Those here who believe a calorie is a calorie and you can use up your 1500 cal alottment on whatever you like (pizza, McDonalds, icecream) will come around to your house and force feed you cookies until you die.
If you don't believe me, just start a forum titled "clean eating" or "paleo" or "low carb" and then brace yourself. Only the strong survive around here.
Example: someone whining the other day they were always hungry. I suggest reducing their sugar intake a bit and upping their fat/protein. Remember, they ASKED for advice. The response was a rant about how they were NEVER giving up their COKE.
... sigh ... gonna be hungry then.
I am personally in the habit of force feeding people cookies and pizza. My neighbors have filed a restraining order.
0 -
GordieLaChance wrote: »Hello everyone,
I'm new to MFP and I'd like to be interactive and helpful to my MFP pals. I've noticed some people seem to think they're eating healthy by simply cutting calories. Problem is, the calories they consume are garbage calories.
How would one kindly say, 'you're under your goal, but the food you're eating is absolutely terrible!' without hurting feelings?
You are not allowed to comment, sorry. Those here who believe a calorie is a calorie and you can use up your 1500 cal alottment on whatever you like (pizza, McDonalds, icecream) will come around to your house and force feed you cookies until you die.
If you don't believe me, just start a forum titled "clean eating" or "paleo" or "low carb" and then brace yourself. Only the strong survive around here.
Example: someone whining the other day they were always hungry. I suggest reducing their sugar intake a bit and upping their fat/protein. Remember, they ASKED for advice. The response was a rant about how they were NEVER giving up their COKE.
... sigh ... gonna be hungry then.
I am personally in the habit of force feeding people cookies and pizza. My neighbors have filed a restraining order.
The place next to mine is available...
0 -
My food diary is open. All advice (solicited or not) is always welcome. My skin is pretty thick.0
-
People have different goals, some desire health and others weightloss only. What's sad is when people believe that weight loss=health. Just go with the flow maybe she'll ask your opinion, if not let it ride. Just my $0.02. 0
-
I eat Big Macs every Sunday. Didn't stop me from losing weight. Is she under?0
-
GordieLaChance wrote: »Perhaps it's none of my business but I was under the impression the purpose of an open diary was for receiving insight. This person added me because she said I seemed inspirational. Alas, I'll keep my trap shut. Thanks for the insight everyone!
With any relationship you need to understand what each of you want out of it. You said she added you because you seemed inspirational. So if you haven't already, find out from her what about you was inspirational to her? Was it your forum posts, food choices, exercise routines, consistency, etc? Then ask her if she wants you to provide comments to her about those areas (you being proactive) or if she just needs to have someone to turn to for support (you being reactive).
I read somewhere (I think on an MFP thread) that we tend to judge others by our own priorities. Healthy food choices might be one of yours but perhaps one of hers is just trying to get a handle on what she is eating and being consistent with logging it no matter what it is.
So until you know what her priorities are with using MFP, I wouldn't comment to her on her food diary.0 -
I think people have different goals and intentions and ideas and before giving advice you should clarify if they want it.
For me, I keep my diary open to friends. If someone tells me out of no where that I'm wrong, I'll probably be offended. Now, if I were to ask a question and someone says something, that's different. But this has to do with my goals from my FL entirely. If someone has different intentions and wants to be able to comment on food, we aren't a good fit, and that's fine.0 -
Unless she asks leave it alone.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 393 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.3K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 938 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions