Self hatred info I learned today
Options
Replies
-
Well, that makes no sense. That you were reported, I mean. Unless you were super rude about it.I got reported for posting this because it's unkind to tell people that they wont be handed their self esteem when they reach goal weight, because it's something they have to cultivate along the way. We're supposed to be encouraging and we're supposed to tell people that losing weight fixes everything.
It'd certainly be nice if losing weight fixed all of our other problems, wouldn't it?
0 -
when you are unhappy, you look to the find the reason why.
depending on how long you have been overweight, chances are you were bullied for a long period of time as a result. the younger, the more dangerous, as you aren't able to process the shame as a fault in the person bullying you, but more as a flaw within yourself.
you define your unhappiness as fat.
you work hard, lose the fat yet you are stunned because you are still unhappy.
i know most people are ecstatic when they lose weight - i was too. INITIALLY. once the high from the scale and the compliments died down, the anger/emotional pain was still very present. i changed my body, but not my mind. years and years of being put down due to my weight did wonders to my head. trust issues, self-loathing issues. intense anxiety.
and for years i blamed myself. after two years in therapy; however, i am beginning to blame the sad people that were so low in their life that they needed to hurt me. and it is hard, because i never had any anger with them before. so i work on forgiveness. and i work on acknowledging my anger and understanding that while it was very unfair the way i was treated, i am capable of a healthy, full life.
cliche moment of the day: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.0 -
Yep, been there done that. Vicious cycle: Self-loathing -> mindless binging to numb negative feelings -> more self-loathing because of binging behavior and resulting fat body -> more mindless binging. It's taken YEARS of mental work to overcome this and I still slip sometimes.0
-
I see it along those lines too. Some one with dysmorphia may not necessarily hate themselves, just how they can't be "perfect". Yet someone with self hate can have a "perfect" body, a great life, great family, etc.They're different in that with dysmorphia, the person is not seeing reality - they see themselves as obese when they are healthy, for example. Self-loathers see themselves as they are, but they can't stop comparing themselves to others that are 'better' and hating themselves for not making the grade. Even if they improve themselves to meet or beat their original goals, they just move the goalposts so they are always on the losing side, no matter how much they accomplish.
I think it's going to be interesting to learn more about it.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
0 -
I got reported for posting this because it's unkind to tell people that they wont be handed their self esteem when they reach goal weight, because it's something they have to cultivate along the way. We're supposed to be encouraging and we're supposed to tell people that losing weight fixes everything.
You were reported for being realistic? That's a little ridiculous.
losing weight doesn't fix everything. Losing weight fixes being overweight and maybe helps prevent or better certain health problems. I've been anywhere between 110 lbs and 235 (when I was pregnant) within the past five years and my self esteem was only marginally higher at my lightest than at my heaviest. Things like being in a bad relationship at a young age where even at a size 3 your boyfriend negatively comments on your physical appearance can throw your perspective off. It did for me.
Being thin does not magically make one love themself.0 -
Thanks. This may be the next book on my list.
Incidentally, Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life is the title of an excellent book by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Highly recommended for anyone who wants a more balanced perspective on life.People in this situation need to learn to love themselves before they'll ever be happy. Money or the perfect body do not bring instant happiness in these cases. To paraphrase Buckaroo Bonzai, "Remember, no matter where you go, there you are."
The fact is that money or the perfect body or the perfect job, home, or partner do not bring happiness to anyone, ever. Happiness always comes from within. It is an inner experience. And we create our own experience -- not in some magical woo-woo kind of way, as in the "law of attraction," but in the practical sense that our worlds consist of our inner responses.
And it's possible to alter those responses. Mindfulness meditation is one way. Counseling is one way. There are many ways. But thinking that circumstances like a perfect body will make us happy is a perfect recipe for unhappiness.
Why? Because it leads in one of two directions:
1) I've reached my ideal weight and I'm still not happy. I have to keep losing, exercising, or whatever. (That way lies eating disorders and other obsessions.)
2) I recognize that my body is as good as it's going to get, and I'm still not happy. I need more money, a better job, etc., etc. Then I'll be happy. (That way lies endless frustration. Because happiness is always within.)
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
0 -
pattycakes80 wrote: »when you are unhappy, you look to the find the reason why.
depending on how long you have been overweight, chances are you were bullied for a long period of time as a result. the younger, the more dangerous, as you aren't able to process the shame as a fault in the person bullying you, but more as a flaw within yourself.
you define your unhappiness as fat.
I relate to this so much.
And thank you OP for sharing the knowledge. I suffer from Bipolar/Anxiety and that goes hand in hand with self loathing and self hatred. It's been an uphill battle ever since I was very young (I told my mom when I was 10 I hated myself- I was bullied hard).
Now here I am trying to overcome my insecurities, self hatred, anything that can hold me back and just stick with it. I'm going to see my psychiatrist on the 2nd and I can't wait to tell her about this journey so far. I just hope I can finally disconnect the sadness I feel from the way I look on the outside. My boyfriend always tells me "Your weight is temporary but your life is not- So smile and love yourself"0 -
Psychology isn't my profession nor something I'm trained in, so I wouldn't even bother with trying to treat someone. What I'm trying to learn is how to spot it more accurately so I have an idea of steps to take if it's something I run into.Patttience wrote: »You should not go looking for people who might be self-loathing. But the obvious way to know if someone has issues with these sort of feelings is if they say a lot of punishing negative sounding things about themselves. Don't be quick to jump on someone says something like oh i'm stupid. Everyone says stuff like that. But people who are self loathing say very strong stuff about themselves to themselves and often. Whether they say it out loud in a gym or similar is hard to say. Many people keep these feelings to themselves.
I think as a fitness instructor you should not get into this business of directing people at all on psychological matters unless they confide in you that they are struggling with depression anxiety or self esteem issues. Or if a person looks really sad, you could ask them if they are ok and you can say you are concerned about them. They might then open up and then you can suggest they get professional help. If they brush you off, there's nothing much you can do. Don't pay too much attention to them. They might come and talk to you another time if they perceive you to be a supportive person.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
0 -
I got reported for posting this because it's unkind to tell people that they wont be handed their self esteem when they reach goal weight, because it's something they have to cultivate along the way. We're supposed to be encouraging and we're supposed to tell people that losing weight fixes everything.
Kind of seems like you have a flagging stalker at this point.
I'd agree that it's something you need to learn to develop, and it's definitely something I'm currently struggling with. My loss has been really slow, and it's frustrating, and I keep comparing myself to others who look better than I do at my current weight or people who have lost faster, etc. And I focus on those over all the progress I've made.
And as to a fitness trainer "treating people", I don't think that is the point. If you recognize that this is a common problem, you can really focus on trying to build up and compliment clients and try to change the self hate talk during your process of coaching them. And if clients are bad, then maybe you could suggest they see a professional.0 -
I don't think there's anything wrong with a fitness trainer learning about stuff like this. I don't think he's proposing to construct a couch on a bench and have his clients lie down and tell them about their dreams.
The majority of the young trainers at the chain gym I go to are only interested in either weight loss or weight lifting (and nary shall the two meet), people going beyond this surely is a good thing?
0 -
So certain sections of dieters have issues that go beyond losing weight? Isnt that obvious?
I think its ok for the OP to learn stuff and it might enable him to do his job better simply by being aware. Going beyond that is really something you need to be careful with because just as one client may welcome it, then others will not.0 -
Yep. There are clients that will go into their personal lives with me and tell me all about their disagreements with their SO, kids, work, etc. and others that don't want to converse at all. I've learned on how to distinguish that.So certain sections of dieters have issues that go beyond losing weight? Isnt that obvious?
I think its ok for the OP to learn stuff and it might enable him to do his job better simply by being aware. Going beyond that is really something you need to be careful with because just as one client may welcome it, then others will not.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
0 -
I, for one, commend you on investigating this. I think it's important to recognize that meeting a fitness or health goal may not accomplish what a particular client thought it would. With that client you would want to avoid giving any sort of impression that everything will be awesome when the goal is met and you can suggest professional help when it becomes obvious that everything is not, in fact, awesome.0
-
Wow, loving this thread. Thank you. I've hated myself in terms of inferior shape/size/attractiveness for years and have suffered severe depression from it. I'm now receiving therapy and doing mindfulness meditation. Interesting reading, this. Bookmarked
0 -
It's funny because at work, lots of members have commented that it seems I go beyond what the average PT does.I, for one, commend you on investigating this. I think it's important to recognize that meeting a fitness or health goal may not accomplish what a particular client thought it would. With that client you would want to avoid giving any sort of impression that everything will be awesome when the goal is met and you can suggest professional help when it becomes obvious that everything is not, in fact, awesome.
A couple of years ago, I went on to investigate and research an approximate time of when females might change their physical activity and eating habits based on the expectation of society. Where girls in elementary didn't care much about getting sweaty and having mussed up hair, to graduating into middle school and do a total 180 because now the environment has changed along with puberty. Fun stuff to examine.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
0 -
Wow, loving this thread. Thank you. I've hated myself in terms of inferior shape/size/attractiveness for years and have suffered severe depression from it. I'm now receiving therapy and doing mindfulness meditation. Interesting reading, this. Bookmarked
Precisely the point - you have a body some people would kill for, but for someone with low self-esteem, it's hard to believe people when they tell you that.0 -
i am honestly shocked that any of this is eye-opening.0
-
i am honestly shocked that any of this is eye-opening.
Some people just don't get it and need to have it explained and repeated numerous times. It's ok.
ETA: I think my post sounded snarky and I didn't mean it that way. It's just that many times when people don't experience these things first hand it's hard for them to empathize.0 -
i am honestly shocked that any of this is eye-opening.
This is a forum where some people actually take the time out of their day to post to say that hey, they've never experienced depression, they should follow the sage advice of their roller derby coach and everyone else can diddle themselves.
Or when someone posts to say how disgusting they find themselves after years of medication for serious mental health problems and binge eating, responses include telling them to pull themselves up by the boot straps and that they wouldn't have got that fat, by the way, if they hadn't eaten so damned much. As if they need that explaining to them.
2 real posts I have seen around here. Not that it's really representative of the thousands I suppose, but some people really are bell ends.
-1
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 393 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.3K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 931 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions