Is it important that your Spouse lose weight too?
Iwishyouwell
Posts: 1,888 Member
Many, if not most, of us here constitute the less fat/former fat/how'd I get so fat crowd who have decided that weight loss, for whatever reasons, is an imperative part of our journeys.
And a lot of us have spouses who likewise are overweight or obese.
How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit? Do you find yourself holding them up to similar standards as you do yourself? If they aren't losing weight, or getting fit, and don't plan to, is that an issue in your marriage?
And a lot of us have spouses who likewise are overweight or obese.
How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit? Do you find yourself holding them up to similar standards as you do yourself? If they aren't losing weight, or getting fit, and don't plan to, is that an issue in your marriage?
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Could my husband lose 20lbs? yes. Does it bother me that he does not have the motivation to do so right now? No. Will it bother me when I am at my goal weight? No. Why...because we have loved each other through thick and thin. I love him for who he is, unconditionally, just as he does me. And I certainly have been the one who has gone up and down on weight more. The only reason I would ask him to lose weight would be strictly health related and even at that, he needs to be the one motivated to do that. He supports me wholeheartedly in my journey just as I don't push it on him to be healthier. I cook the meals and make his lunches, so he gets a lot of the healthier stuff from me. However if he eats out with his buddies or asks for his nightly bowl of ice cream, it doesn't bother me at all.0
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It is not important to me at all. That is to say that if he chooses not to lose weight, I am as fine with it as I am with him choosing to lose weight. He has been a huge supporter of me through my effort but I don't expect him to do everything that I do.0
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I don't think it's absolutely necessary but it would make things a whole lot easier.
Living with my dad/sister is a struggle when they're constantly buying junk that I have easy access to. The last guy I dated was very lazy and didn't exercise and ate junk and slept all day. It annoyed me eventually. I couldn't imagine being married to someone who didn't have some form of an active lifestyle. Otherwise, they have to be very supportive of mine.0 -
For his health, yes.
For his appearance, no.0 -
4bettermenow wrote: »Could my husband lose 20lbs? yes. Does it bother me that he does not have the motivation to do so right now? No. Will it bother me when I am at my goal weight? No. Why...because we have loved each other through thick and thin. I love him for who he is, unconditionally, just as he does me. And I certainly have been the one who has gone up and down on weight more. The only reason I would ask him to lose weight would be strictly health related and even at that, he needs to be the one motivated to do that. He supports me wholeheartedly in my journey just as I don't push it on him to be healthier. I cook the meals and make his lunches, so he gets a lot of the healthier stuff from me. However if he eats out with his buddies or asks for his nightly bowl of ice cream, it doesn't bother me at all.
This is how I feel too.
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Yes, I wish he would get healthier/lose weight. We have children together and a) I want to know that we are both being positive role models in the eating department, especially because one of our kids is a 'larger' child (not necessarily overweight, but could be if he ate terribly), and b) I want him to be around when they are grown ups and have kids of their own. And of course because I love him and want a healthy husband. In addition, it makes life easier for everyone in the family if we're all on the same page, I think, with living an active, healthy lifestyle, and making healthy food choices.0
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My hubs is at a healthy weight, but yes, pretty much this (if it was ever a concern). He's healthy, and that's the most important thing.4bettermenow wrote: »Could my husband lose 20lbs? yes. Does it bother me that he does not have the motivation to do so right now? No. Will it bother me when I am at my goal weight? No. Why...because we have loved each other through thick and thin. I love him for who he is, unconditionally, just as he does me. And I certainly have been the one who has gone up and down on weight more. The only reason I would ask him to lose weight would be strictly health related and even at that, he needs to be the one motivated to do that. He supports me wholeheartedly in my journey just as I don't push it on him to be healthier. I cook the meals and make his lunches, so he gets a lot of the healthier stuff from me. However if he eats out with his buddies or asks for his nightly bowl of ice cream, it doesn't bother me at all.
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Me getting healthy encouraged my husband to do the same. He wasn't obese like me, but overweight and not at his former fitness level. If he didn't do it with me, I'd be fine as long as he was still supportive and not destroying himself.0
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It has been far more important that he support me in my transformation. Which he is. He has always been keen about fitness and health, and appreciates my food choices and cooking, but now I am far more active than he is. Most annoying, he follows along whatever I am doing and the pounds just melt off him. Cheater. JK0
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Only for health reasons, not appearance. My hub is active duty military so he's in pretty good shape. However, his eating habits are terrible and he has no self-control. He wants to lose some weight but won't track calories and I won't nag him. I'm afraid that when he retires from the military his weight will balloon and so will his cholesterol (already high) and genetic predisposition to diabetes.0
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DiabolicalColossus wrote: »For his health, yes.
For his appearance, no.
This. But I can't do it for him. He has to want it enough to make the effort. I can't control what or how much he chooses to eat
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I look at it like this, I'm always going to be fit so why should I be with someone that isn't/wont be?0
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bornforbattles wrote: »I look at it like this, I'm always going to be fit so why should I be with someone that isn't/wont be?
I have a friend who was fit (and hottt!) all his life and suddenly developed a brain tumor that affected his pituitary and now he's 100lbs overweight. Just sayin'0 -
DiabolicalColossus wrote: »For his health, yes.
For his appearance, no.
^^^This
In the past he has done better than me. He has a different mentality all-or-none. I am impressed by his discipline but it doesn't work for me. We have made some changes that affect the whole family offering more nutrient dense or lower calorie foods.
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I think it is helpful if either spouse trys to stay in shape and look their best for one another. Yes, we love each other through thick and thin, but your body is an important part of marriage. A persons looks is a factor ingredient of attraction. Wife and I do this and it has proven very good for health and attraction. Of course there are many more qualities that attract oneanother, but in this forum we are talking exercise and getting in optimum shape.
I agree that each of us must be self motivated to accomplish a toned body. I would not force anyone to do this. We just love the cloths we are able to wear, how we look and the health we enjoy doing it together.0 -
bornforbattles wrote: »I look at it like this, I'm always going to be fit so why should I be with someone that isn't/wont be?
It's nice to have the same goals and lifestyle, but you can't predict the future. Any number of things could happen.
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I have never been married or dated an overweight person so I can't comment on that. To my fellow single MFP members I would like to say the best solution to the above problems is prevention!
Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I choose to avoid dated anyone who would do anything to diminish their life expectancy (a selfish decision not only impacting them but their entire family). This is not just about weight. I also would never date a smoker, someone who rides a motorcycle or does not buckle their seat beat (although I respect the right of everyone to make those choices).0 -
But yes, my wife needs to lose weight. She's one of those people who carries it pretty well visually, especially since she's more hour glass than sphere, so most people would be shocked to know that she could easily stand to lose between 70-80 lbs. But at only 34 she's already dealing with obesity related health issues, including possible insulin resistance.
It also affects her psychologically. She doesn't like being overweight and her self esteem has taken a hit since she realized she was. I hurt for her, because I grew up with horrible self image issues due to being fat from childhood. It can do a real number on the mind.
I'm patient with her, but with both know it's in her best interest to get healthier and leaner. She's been endlessly supportive of me and I will continue to be for her. But the fact that it is an issue isn't something I'm not going to rug sweep, and she doesn't expect me to.
And while I am still very attracted to my wife sexually, she does look physically better smaller, like most people. We both said in our late 20's that our goal was to look better, and be fitter, than ever in our 30s. I hope we can achieve that goal together! It would be awesome to become one of those really fit couples who go on runs together, who take mutual joy in meeting their body and fitness goals.
But at the end of the day you can't change anybody, that's the cold, hard fact.
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noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »I have never been married or dated an overweight person so I can't comment on that. To my fellow single MFP members I would like to say the best solution to the above problems is prevention!
Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I choose to avoid dated anyone who would do anything to diminish their life expectancy (a selfish decision not only impacting them but their entire family). This is not just about weight. I also would never date a smoker, someone who rides a motorcycle or does not buckle their seat beat (although I respect the right of everyone to make those choices).
Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
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noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I'll echo this point. If that's vitally important to you, make sure that you do all you can to establish that being fit, healthy and if important to you, lean, is of the utmost importance to themselves devoid of your desires.
I say this because I've run into a few people who ended up in LTR or marriage with significant others who pulled a fitness bait n' switch; turns out they only appeared to pick up the lifestyle in order to impress their lover, only to turn around and drop right off after the rings were exchanged, or the relationship had grown comfortable.0 -
Iwishyouwell wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I'll echo this point. If that's vitally important to you, make sure that you do all you can to establish that being fit, healthy and if important to you, lean, is of the utmost importance to themselves devoid of your desires.
I say this because I've run into a few people who ended up in LTR or marriage with significant others who pulled a fitness bait n' switch; turns out they only appeared to pick up the lifestyle in order to impress their lover, only to turn around and drop right off after the rings were exchanged, or the relationship had grown comfortable.
+1
When people talk about gaining weight because of becoming "comfortable" in a prior relationship I see it as a big warning sign. People should want to be fit for themselves not to impress a potential mate. Self motivation is essential.
I will exercise until the day I die, not to lose weight or impress anyone but because I enjoy it. I would much rather climb Mount Everest or run a marathon overseas on my honeymoon than dine at the finest restaurants in Paris. I want to be with someone who feels the same.
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0somuchbetter0 wrote: »Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
That's not really fair though.
For two people who are active and fit as a passion, the weight isn't as likely to just "creep up" on them. That's more typical of people who never really paid much attention to their eating, or stopped doing so a long time before they woke up 50 lbs overweight.
Not all middle aged people get fat. I have three uncles on my mom's side, all in their 60's; for two of them fitness and keeping their weight down has been an endeavour for as long as I have memory of them. As a result both are still in incredible shape. The other uncle is now obese. He, like the other two, was always slim, but it was "effortless". The "weight creep" happened because he was never in a mindset that you have to work to keep your body fit and healthy.
Me personally? I fell in love with my wife as a teenager. She was never a fitness buff, so that wasn't a prerequisite for me. It wasn't until we were together for 7 years or so before she showed any interest in trying to get really fit. Health, fitness, weight loss, all important to me, but those weren't the foundations our connection or relationship was built on. So yeah, her putting on a lot of weight, or me putting on a lot of weight, hasn't killed our relationship at all.
But if two people mutually agree at the top of a relationship that fitness and health are mutual passions that both are expected to work hard to maintain, short of some serious medical issue, they should be be expected to continue in that lifestyle. I don't see it as any different than two spouses agreeing that smoking isn't welcome in their marriage, or that cheating on each other isn't allowed.0 -
It would be a plus, but I'm not particularly bothered with it right now. This may sound cliche, but I'm honestly more concerned with health issues with him than aesthetics. I don't want him to have a heart attack when he's 40.0
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Accidental double post.0 -
Iwishyouwell wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
That's not really fair though.
For two people who are active and fit as a passion, the weight isn't as likely to just "creep up" on them. That's more typical of people who never really paid much attention to their eating, or stopped doing so a long time before they woke up 50 lbs overweight.
There are people who never really have to pay much attention to their eating until they hit "over 40" and now all of a sudden have to learn how to pay attention.
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Suddenly, after watching me reach my goal weight and maintain it over 3 years, and start exercising at least 3x a week for the same length of time, my OH asked me to show him how to count calories!
He decided that since I had done it, had not regained the weight, and hadn't suffered terrible deprevation, it was worth a try.
He took to it like a duck to water, and even does aqua fit with me for stretch and flexibility.
He is 54, 6'3, SW 245, GW 200, CW 207. Swims x1, runs x1, aquafit x1.
I am 62, 5'1, SW 130, GW 105, CW 104.
Aquafit x3, Zumba x2, rowing machine 20min x3, swimming lessons x1.
Though I would never have said he had to loose weight; I was glad that he decided to.
Just one more thing that we share- health awareness
Cheers, h0 -
Iwishyouwell wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
That's not really fair though.
For two people who are active and fit as a passion, the weight isn't as likely to just "creep up" on them. That's more typical of people who never really paid much attention to their eating, or stopped doing so a long time before they woke up 50 lbs overweight.
There are people who never really have to pay much attention to their eating until they hit "over 40" and now all of a sudden have to learn how to pay attention.
Exactly.
Which is a world away from two people who have avid passions for working out, or watching what they eat, before 40.
There is just a difference between the person who never really thought about it until BOOM, middle aged spread, and the person who always thought about it and is well aware that age will affect their pursuits.
The former is much more likely to be in that ever popular "weight creep" group.0 -
0somuchbetter0 wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »I have never been married or dated an overweight person so I can't comment on that. To my fellow single MFP members I would like to say the best solution to the above problems is prevention!
Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I choose to avoid dated anyone who would do anything to diminish their life expectancy (a selfish decision not only impacting them but their entire family). This is not just about weight. I also would never date a smoker, someone who rides a motorcycle or does not buckle their seat beat (although I respect the right of everyone to make those choices).
Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
My age is not relevant here. Don't insult my intelligence. I will complete college before I turn 21 and expect to enroll in one of the top med schools in the country. I know how to count. I expect my spouse will be able to count as well. If/when his metabolism slows down he will increase his exercise and/or reduce his caloric intake. Nobody in my family has ever been 1 pound overweight. Like I said unless there is a serious medical condition (which I would accept) its about basic math and willpower. 50 pounds cannot "sneak up" on someone who owns a scale.
Your comment about kids is horrible. Being 50 pounds overweight would negatively impact my life expectancy. How would my kids feel if they knew I purposely chose to decrease the chance I would live to see my grandchildren complete graduate school or get married? I wont judge anyone else, but I would never do that to my family.
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Iwishyouwell wrote: »
How important is it that your spouse have the desire, and make the effort, to join in their own weight loss pursuit? Do you find yourself holding them up to similar standards as you do yourself? If they aren't losing weight, or getting fit, and don't plan to, is that an issue in your marriage?
I hold everybody up to my new standards. I see fat on people that I didn't used to notice. I now have fat radar. If you're fat, I know it, even if you don't. If there's one thing I've learned with my new awareness, it's to keep my mouth shut.
I grew up being pretty thin. In my 20s I started to develop a bit of a beer belly. By my late 20s I had taken up jogging and weight lifting and got into pretty decent shape. I quit jogging a couple years later due to 3 herniated discs in my lower back. I continued lifting off and on through my late 40s. I didn't do much at all during my 50s and I hit an all time high of 188 lbs. I'm now 60. I sometimes run. I sometimes cycle. I strength train 3 to 5 days a week. I've lost 40 pounds. I don't need to lose any more weight, although I might cut another ten pounds or so before intentionally bulking back another 10, 20, or 30 pounds. My goals are more focused on strength, fitness and vanity muscle.
Do I wish my wife would share my interest in health and fitness? Yes. But I'm not going to bug her about it. I spent an entire decade being a complete slug. I can't expect her to suddenly change her lifestyle just because I did. I will love my wife whether she changes or not. But I'd worry less about her health if she'd join me.0
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