Is it important that your Spouse lose weight too?
Replies
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I've been married almost 15 years. During the time we've been together, I gained 50 pounds or so. I have been trying to lose weight most of the time we have been together while dh has not. Sometimes I have lost but regained later. I gained weight before my spouse did and he actually lost 20 pounds without trying. He is in better shape then I am as he has a more active day naturally. He rarely exercises. He started a medication that made him lose his appetite as a side effect and he found it super hard to make himself eat for about 6 months. He does not need to lose more weight at this point. I want dh to eat enough calories and nutrients to support his activity level and remain healthy.
He has never told me I should lose weight or change my habits. His weight loss hasn't changed our relationship. His interests haven't changed. When I talk about my weight, he just says he wants me to be healthy and happy with my size. From my side, I do feel like I want to match up to dh better in being healthy/fitter and a slimmer appearance.0 -
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Husband is at a healthy weight. He went from never running/having a fitness program to running at 50 to now completing two marathons a year plus halfs in between.
In between marathons he puts on a few lbs that quickly come off once training starts. At our age we are both trying to be more healthy with our food choices and remain at a healthy weight. I forget that he slowly lost about 30 lbs+ once he started running without too much of a diet change other than switching to oatmeal every morning. I was the slacker on the weight loss train.0 -
I would like it if my spouse would also lose weight, as she's definitely as obese as I was. I'd settle for her not making crap up about how lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng I spend working out when it's a whole 4.5 hours a week.
However, she flat-out does not want to hear about my workouts nor wants any input on making that happen.
This is, apparently, All My Fault.0 -
noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »PrizePopple wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »
My age is not relevant here. Don't insult my intelligence. I will complete college before I turn 21 and expect to enroll in one of the top med schools in the country. I know how to count. I expect my spouse will be able to count as well. If/when his metabolism slows down he will increase his exercise and/or reduce his caloric intake. Nobody in my family has ever been 1 pound overweight. Like I said unless there is a serious medical condition (which I would accept) its about basic math and willpower. 50 pounds cannot "sneak up" on someone who owns a scale.
Your comment about kids is horrible. Being 50 pounds overweight would negatively impact my life expectancy. How would my kids feel if they knew I purposely chose to decrease the chance I would live to see my grandchildren complete graduate school or get married? I wont judge anyone else, but I would never do that to my family.
Well, aren't you just a perfect little snowflake.
Actually, you are quite judgmental and very condescending quite often, so don't go around acting like your poop doesn't stink. I already feel sorry for your future husband.
I think you confuse "condescending" with an honest opinion about how I feel personally with no judgement against those who disagree.
I never said I was perfect.
Your comments are slightly judgeful of those of us who let our weight get to a point of such extreme. Yes gaining weight is a choice, to a certain extent. Some of us didn't chose to be this way and you telling me that I got fat was my choice, you don't know what people's lives are like, mental issues can lead to eating your feelings, some of us don't have great metabolisms and when you're going through personal issues your weight isn't your main priority. I never purposely chose to decrease my life expectancy. Your honest opinion was more judgemental than just an opinion. And quite frankly hit me personally.0 -
I got married when I was 25. I distinctly remember my very active husband and my very active self having a conversation where he said "there won't be any fat people in our family." :laugh:
We've been married 11 years. At one point my husband gained close to 100 lbs thanks to a ridiculous work schedule and a child who didn't sleep through the night until about age 3. I gained about 50 lbs during a difficult pregnancy.
Our twentysomething selves were complete idiots with no concept of what lay ahead of us. It's easy to for it to be all about you when it is all about you.
To answer the OP, it doesn't matter to me. Both of us lost weight on our own timetables without comment from the other.0 -
Either respect the vow, "For better for worse".
or
Get a divorce now and move on.0 -
bornforbattles wrote: »I look at it like this, I'm always going to be fit so why should I be with someone that isn't/wont be?
Spoken like a true 27 year old. I thought the same way until I needed knee surgery on both knees from running every day at the age of 38. Gained 40lbs afterwards because it was difficult getting out of bed much less getting to the gym every day. No one stays the same all of their life. You will eventually have struggles with your weight, whether it's at 28 or 88, it will happen.0 -
Your comments are slightly judgeful of those of us who let our weight get to a point of such extreme. Yes gaining weight is a choice, to a certain extent. Some of us didn't chose to be this way and you telling me that I got fat was my choice, you don't know what people's lives are like, mental issues can lead to eating your feelings, some of us don't have great metabolisms and when you're going through personal issues your weight isn't your main priority. I never purposely chose to decrease my life expectancy. Your honest opinion was more judgemental than just an opinion. And quite frankly hit me personally.
I'm sorry, because I'm really not trying to be rude, but it is your fault , just like it was my fault. We made these choices.
Not even changes in medication, impaired metabolism, or going through tough times forces anybody to get overweight or obese.
Those things simply make it harder to hold on to a healthy weight. Harder? Yes. Impossible? No.
Whenever we consistently eat above whatever our TDEE is, including TDEE impaired by medication or illness, we are choosing to put weight on. That's a decision we eventually should all own, because if you put it on, that means you can take it off. Food does not force us to eat it. The only people without excuse are the truly ignorant who don't at all understand how basic calorie in/out works, small children and the severely mentally incapacitated. Saying "I am an emotional eater who likes to mask my pain with food" isn't an excuse, it's just an explanation.
Now if your priorities shift, that's all well in good. Nobody said weight loss or good management had to a priority. But most of what you listed in your post are just excuses.0 -
In response to OP: kind of. While I won't accept fat or obese, I can accept if she gets or stays slightly overweight.............as long as she continues to cook me amazing meals. Without someone to cook me meals, I'd be stuck on surviving off of egg whites and tuna sandwiches everyday0
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0somuchbetter0 wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »I have never been married or dated an overweight person so I can't comment on that. To my fellow single MFP members I would like to say the best solution to the above problems is prevention!
Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I choose to avoid dated anyone who would do anything to diminish their life expectancy (a selfish decision not only impacting them but their entire family). This is not just about weight. I also would never date a smoker, someone who rides a motorcycle or does not buckle their seat beat (although I respect the right of everyone to make those choices).
Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
I'm ...ahem... not in my youth!! ...but I do tend to agree with this poster...I have been divorced for a few years and while the thought of dating currently makes me ill, when/if it happens, I also would not date someone who smokes, DRINKS, doesn't buckle their seatbelt, etc. (though I'd be ok with a motorcycle!!). 0 -
DO IT FOR YOU. My husband could stand to lose some weight but that doesn't change my goals. I DO IT FOR ME!0
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I won't dump on him (or dump him) if he doesn't, but his health is going to be severely impacted as he gets older if he doesn't lose at least 50 lb. His blood pressure is too high, and there are diabetics in his family, and we're already seeing foot and ankle pain, and he's only 28. It would really pain me to have to just sit here and watch him suffer and deteriorate. I am trying really, really hard to help him stick to his healthy eating and exercise plan. Sadly, it seems to mostly hinge on me, but for it to really work, he has to take ownership of it himself.
I hope that in time he will do better at getting with the program. I don't want to be a widow. (yes, I'm older than he is, but it's still no guarantee!) 0 -
bornforbattles wrote: »I look at it like this, I'm always going to be fit so why should I be with someone that isn't/wont be?
Spoken like a true 27 year old. I thought the same way until I needed knee surgery on both knees from running every day at the age of 38. Gained 40lbs afterwards because it was difficult getting out of bed much less getting to the gym every day. No one stays the same all of their life. You will eventually have struggles with your weight, whether it's at 28 or 88, it will happen.
But you didn't gain 40lbs because of a knee injury. You gained 40lbs because you continued to eat like a man who still was running every day.
It amazes me that people can be in the middle of a weight loss journey and still blame every single external for what got them in trouble in the first place. How do you learn to take responsibility for your actions if you're still blaming your kids, your busy job, your knee injury, the state of the country, the fact that Twinkies came back, or any other external factor that did not force any of us to overeat?
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BuddhaMom74 wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »I have never been married or dated an overweight person so I can't comment on that. To my fellow single MFP members I would like to say the best solution to the above problems is prevention!
Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I choose to avoid dated anyone who would do anything to diminish their life expectancy (a selfish decision not only impacting them but their entire family). This is not just about weight. I also would never date a smoker, someone who rides a motorcycle or does not buckle their seat beat (although I respect the right of everyone to make those choices).
Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
I'm ...ahem... not in my youth!! ...but I do tend to agree with this poster...I have been divorced for a few years and while the thought of dating currently makes me ill, when/if it happens, I also would not date someone who smokes, DRINKS, doesn't buckle their seatbelt, etc. (though I'd be ok with a motorcycle!!).
I don't understand this. With all due respect, you're overweight and you've struggled with your weight more than once, but you would hold your hypothetical boyfriend/husband to a different standard?0 -
I don't really want to hear this absolute, uncompromising sort of blame from anyone who has *not* been through major surgery, head meds, thyroid failure, etc. That which you assume and believe versus that which actually takes place are vastly different. Live it before you judge it.0
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There are people who never really have to pay much attention to their eating until they hit "over 40" and now all of a sudden have to learn how to pay attention.
This would be my SO. He's gained about 40 lbs since we met and complains daily about how "fat" he's become (it's all gone to his abdomen) yet is apparently unwilling to alter his deplorable eating habits. And when I say "deplorable", I mean 4 -5 cups of Captain Crunch constitutes an adequate breakfast in his world
I say very little, other than to occasionally remark that perhaps his back pain/reflux/cholesterol/snoring issues might improve with a bit of weight loss and provide a bit of information about healthier food options when he asks for it (he's the cook). He already knows that I work out daily and chooses not to do so... fine by me.
For the sake of his various health concerns, I'd love it if he lost weight. But I do realize that he is the one that needs to make the decision to change. Might as well save my breath to cool my (healthy no-sugar-added) porridge
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Iwishyouwell wrote: »bornforbattles wrote: »I look at it like this, I'm always going to be fit so why should I be with someone that isn't/wont be?
Spoken like a true 27 year old. I thought the same way until I needed knee surgery on both knees from running every day at the age of 38. Gained 40lbs afterwards because it was difficult getting out of bed much less getting to the gym every day. No one stays the same all of their life. You will eventually have struggles with your weight, whether it's at 28 or 88, it will happen.
But you didn't gain 40lbs because of a knee injury. You gained 40lbs because you continued to eat like a man who still was running every day.
It amazes me that people can be in the middle of a weight loss journey and still blame every single external for what got them in trouble in the first place. How do you learn to take responsibility for your actions if you're still blaming your kids, your busy job, your knee injury, the state of the country, the fact that Twinkies came back, or any other external factor that did not force any of us to overeat?
Have you ever had any serious medical problems? I haven't -- my demons and resulting obesity are my fault and mine alone, but I've had friends who have and I've seen what sudden lack of mobility or medication or tumors can do. You're being unfair.0 -
no.
what's the next question?0 -
I know I'll probably get a lot of flak for this but, it isn't the extra weight that would bother me, it is the lack of respect and care that a spouse that is overweight has for their significant other that works hard to stay in shape. The way I see it is that if you value your spouse, you would try your best to make them happy in every way. Granted, they will (or should) love you no matter what weight you are but for a spouse to just let themselves go to me is selfish. Why would I not work hard to make sure I live a long and healthy life for my significant other and my kids? Why would I not try to look as physically good as possible for as long as possible for myself and my mate? The way I see it, for someone in a marriage to just let themselves go shows a lack of regard for the person they are with. I think a lot of people have a hard time thinking about anything other than themselves on a daily basis and don't realize how much their own actions (or inactions) impact the person their with. If you are dedicated to someone, you should be dedicated in every way.0
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0somuchbetter0 wrote: »Iwishyouwell wrote: »bornforbattles wrote: »I look at it like this, I'm always going to be fit so why should I be with someone that isn't/wont be?
Spoken like a true 27 year old. I thought the same way until I needed knee surgery on both knees from running every day at the age of 38. Gained 40lbs afterwards because it was difficult getting out of bed much less getting to the gym every day. No one stays the same all of their life. You will eventually have struggles with your weight, whether it's at 28 or 88, it will happen.
But you didn't gain 40lbs because of a knee injury. You gained 40lbs because you continued to eat like a man who still was running every day.
It amazes me that people can be in the middle of a weight loss journey and still blame every single external for what got them in trouble in the first place. How do you learn to take responsibility for your actions if you're still blaming your kids, your busy job, your knee injury, the state of the country, the fact that Twinkies came back, or any other external factor that did not force any of us to overeat?
Have you ever had any serious medical problems? I haven't -- my demons and resulting obesity are my fault and mine alone, but I've had friends who have and I've seen what sudden lack of mobility or medication or tumors can do. You're being unfair.
I'm being unfair to say that overeating for your activity level is a choice?
That's not a judgement. It's a fact.
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Oh puh-lease. See the thing is that my husband ... he's not actually my husband. We've been together for 9 years and have not said any vows. Yet we are dedicated to each other and our children 100%. My ex-husband said vows and then proceeded to cheat on me and abuse me.
Actions speak far louder than words, and I quite enjoy my "co-habitational arrangement" that is based on implicit trust and respect. We do have matching rings, so unless you actually know us or have reason to be privy to our marital status (or last names) you would be unable to tell that we're not married from interacting with us.
My marriage lasted less than 15 months.0 -
I don't really want to hear this absolute, uncompromising sort of blame from anyone who has *not* been through major surgery, head meds, thyroid failure, etc. That which you assume and believe versus that which actually takes place are vastly different. Live it before you judge it.
What she said ^0 -
0somuchbetter0 wrote: »BuddhaMom74 wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »I have never been married or dated an overweight person so I can't comment on that. To my fellow single MFP members I would like to say the best solution to the above problems is prevention!
Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I choose to avoid dated anyone who would do anything to diminish their life expectancy (a selfish decision not only impacting them but their entire family). This is not just about weight. I also would never date a smoker, someone who rides a motorcycle or does not buckle their seat beat (although I respect the right of everyone to make those choices).
Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
I'm ...ahem... not in my youth!! ...but I do tend to agree with this poster...I have been divorced for a few years and while the thought of dating currently makes me ill, when/if it happens, I also would not date someone who smokes, DRINKS, doesn't buckle their seatbelt, etc. (though I'd be ok with a motorcycle!!).
I don't understand this. With all due respect, you're overweight and you've struggled with your weight more than once, but you would hold your hypothetical boyfriend/husband to a different standard?
Quite the contrary; I would hold my hypothetical boyfriend/husband to the same standard I now hold myself! I have now made a commitment to myself to make my weight, and therefore health a priority, and would seek out someone with the same mindset. Having said that however, I was speaking specifically with regard to the supplementary life choices: smoking, drinking, etc.0 -
I lost both of my parents within less than five years of each other, in my 20s, him on Father's day, her less than a week after Mother's day, and her within weeks of filming my first major feature film role, which I had to drop to bury her and move back to my home state temporarily to close out her affairs. Don't let me mention the five pets who died within the same period, some of quite horrific deaths.
In the mental and emotional anguish of all that I gained until finally I hit 320lbs.
Life happens. Hard, tough things in life happen.
But it's not the deaths that caused the weight gain.
Or even the emotional pain.
It was the choices I made to dive back into overeating and lack of exercise.
I owe those decisions. Not everyone falls into a vat of food during tough times, or illnesses, like other people do. Those of us with weight issues make that choice.
And it's fine if that's the choice we want to make. But are you people really telling me its ok not to at least OWN our decisions?0 -
BuddhaMom74 wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »BuddhaMom74 wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »I have never been married or dated an overweight person so I can't comment on that. To my fellow single MFP members I would like to say the best solution to the above problems is prevention!
Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I choose to avoid dated anyone who would do anything to diminish their life expectancy (a selfish decision not only impacting them but their entire family). This is not just about weight. I also would never date a smoker, someone who rides a motorcycle or does not buckle their seat beat (although I respect the right of everyone to make those choices).
Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
I'm ...ahem... not in my youth!! ...but I do tend to agree with this poster...I have been divorced for a few years and while the thought of dating currently makes me ill, when/if it happens, I also would not date someone who smokes, DRINKS, doesn't buckle their seatbelt, etc. (though I'd be ok with a motorcycle!!).
I don't understand this. With all due respect, you're overweight and you've struggled with your weight more than once, but you would hold your hypothetical boyfriend/husband to a different standard?
Quite the contrary; I would hold my hypothetical boyfriend/husband to the same standard I now hold myself! I have now made a commitment to myself to make my weight, and therefore health a priority, and would seek out someone with the same mindset. Having said that however, I was speaking specifically with regard to the supplementary life choices: smoking, drinking, etc.
Oh, I thought you were agreeing that your partner would not/should not ever be overweight, or else you'd kick him to the curb.0 -
Iwishyouwell wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »Iwishyouwell wrote: »bornforbattles wrote: »I look at it like this, I'm always going to be fit so why should I be with someone that isn't/wont be?
Spoken like a true 27 year old. I thought the same way until I needed knee surgery on both knees from running every day at the age of 38. Gained 40lbs afterwards because it was difficult getting out of bed much less getting to the gym every day. No one stays the same all of their life. You will eventually have struggles with your weight, whether it's at 28 or 88, it will happen.
But you didn't gain 40lbs because of a knee injury. You gained 40lbs because you continued to eat like a man who still was running every day.
It amazes me that people can be in the middle of a weight loss journey and still blame every single external for what got them in trouble in the first place. How do you learn to take responsibility for your actions if you're still blaming your kids, your busy job, your knee injury, the state of the country, the fact that Twinkies came back, or any other external factor that did not force any of us to overeat?
Have you ever had any serious medical problems? I haven't -- my demons and resulting obesity are my fault and mine alone, but I've had friends who have and I've seen what sudden lack of mobility or medication or tumors can do. You're being unfair.
I'm being unfair to say that overeating for your activity level is a choice?
That's not a judgement. It's a fact.
A friend of mine broke her back and lost the use of her legs. While she was lying in the hospital for 8 months she gained 75 lbs. Immobility can mess with your system in many ways, including muscle atrophy, endocrine and hormone imbalances, depression, edema, and so on. It's not just a matter of saying "ho hum, I'm just going to lie in bed while I recover from this surgery (or stroke or whatever) so I'd better cut my calorie consumption down by X%." Another friend of mine was in a motorcycle accident and lost the use of his legs -- while in rehab he gained 50 lbs. Another friend of mine picked up a brain parasite in Mozambique and has been on corticosteroids for 9 months, gaining over 60 lbs. Another friend of mine had a tumor on his pituitary, which had to be removed. He gained 100 lbs.
Here's a fact for you: you never know what's going to happen.0 -
No, because even at his highest weight, he has never more than dipped a toe in the overweight pool and even that was borderline. He has never played sports and only since he turned 30 took up running, and he is definitely an amateur at that.
I on the other hand, verged on overweight even as an active teenager who played travel softball and high school rugby (loads of running in rugby, we ran the mile as a warm-up) and after we got married and I had 4 kids in 5 years and a car wreck that left me with a titanium tibia, ballooned upwards and upwards.
I own my weight gain and everything that went with it. We're married, but we are still ourselves. If he started to put on weight, I'm not about to nag him or leave him over it.
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0somuchbetter0 wrote: »BuddhaMom74 wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »BuddhaMom74 wrote: »0somuchbetter0 wrote: »noexcusesjustresults2014 wrote: »I have never been married or dated an overweight person so I can't comment on that. To my fellow single MFP members I would like to say the best solution to the above problems is prevention!
Not only seek out partners who are aerobically fit, but be sure they have the requisite plan and motivation to remain so for a lifetime. Absent medical problems outside of their control, becoming overweight is a choice.
I choose to avoid dated anyone who would do anything to diminish their life expectancy (a selfish decision not only impacting them but their entire family). This is not just about weight. I also would never date a smoker, someone who rides a motorcycle or does not buckle their seat beat (although I respect the right of everyone to make those choices).
Ah, youth. You never know what's going to happen in the future. What if you fall in love with a guy tomorrow who is physically fit, but as the years pass, his weight creeps up. Are you going to file for divorce when he becomes 20 lbs overweight? 50 lbs? What if it happens to you? You have a couple of kids, you hit 50, your metabolism slows down...the lbs sneak up on you. Are you going to be understanding when he leaves you for a thinner, fitter woman?
I'm ...ahem... not in my youth!! ...but I do tend to agree with this poster...I have been divorced for a few years and while the thought of dating currently makes me ill, when/if it happens, I also would not date someone who smokes, DRINKS, doesn't buckle their seatbelt, etc. (though I'd be ok with a motorcycle!!).
I don't understand this. With all due respect, you're overweight and you've struggled with your weight more than once, but you would hold your hypothetical boyfriend/husband to a different standard?
Quite the contrary; I would hold my hypothetical boyfriend/husband to the same standard I now hold myself! I have now made a commitment to myself to make my weight, and therefore health a priority, and would seek out someone with the same mindset. Having said that however, I was speaking specifically with regard to the supplementary life choices: smoking, drinking, etc.
Oh, I thought you were agreeing that your partner would not/should not ever be overweight, or else you'd kick him to the curb.
Lol! Quite the opposite; I actually find myself attracted to men who have a little more meat on their bones! (but again, shudder at the thought of dating!!) 0
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