Is phony fatso flattery a thing?
EricJonrosh
Posts: 823 Member
Whenever I'm around friends, at least two or three females (hardbodies) start in with "why are you single, you should get out there, your such a catch." I used to say I was flattered that at 280 lbs, they thought I was anything but invisible to women. So the other day, two of them were carrying on, and I asked one of them out later that day. Got a weird kinda generalized response followed by silence for 2 days. Was this all fat-flattery? Does it happened to you? Just curious.
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Well there is a lot more to you than your weight. Also, you will never meet anyone if you don't get out there. Likely what they were trying to say
I also find some bigger people, including myself, have a very negative picture of themselves, and only see the negatives (ie. a large weight). 0 -
Um. Just because a girl thinks you're a catch, doesn't mean she thinks you should be her catch. That doesn't make it untrue.
ETA: I tell one of my boyfriend's friends he is a catch. Because its true - he's one of the best people I've met - but clearly, my own boyfriend is the guy I want. If I could introduce his friend to someone good enough, I would!0 -
Based on your profile picture, I'd say it's not phony. You're a good looking guy, even with the extra weight. You've got a great smile and nice eyes.
And that's just appearance. I don't know anything about you as a person. Your friends are right to encourage you to date.
Internet dating sites are fantastic for getting to know people in a low-stakes environment.0 -
Oh - I've also never heard of "phony fatso flattery" before...0
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I'd say, based on your profile picture that you look like you could be quite the catch. Even with the extra weight, you don't look bad at all! But with that said, I've heard from plenty of friends that I'd be a catch, but they were still my friends and not interested in me in that way. Those two are not mutually exclusive, you can be a catch in someone's opinion AND they don't want to date you - very possible.
But I agree with the girls, go get out there Tiger! You look, in my opinion, very cute and I'm sure you'd manage just fine
As for your original question, yeah - I'd say it can be very real. Though, I don't think it's meant as a bad thing. But when you see a friend feeling bad, you want to say something to cheer them up - you don't want to tell them that they're fat and will never get a girlfriend/boyfriend, that's not very cheering nor nice. So it's probably very easy to say that you think someone is a catch, that their hair looks nice or that their clothes are awesome - even if it isn't 100% true, because you just don't want to be mean.0 -
I'd say, based on your profile picture that you look like you could be quite the catch. Even with the extra weight, you don't look bad at all! But with that said, I've heard from plenty of friends that I'd be a catch, but they were still my friends and not interested in me in that way. Those two are not mutually exclusive, you can be a catch in someone's opinion AND they don't want to date you - very possible.
But I agree with the girls, go get out there Tiger! You look, in my opinion, very cute and I'm sure you'd manage just fine
As for your original question, yeah - I'd say it can be very real. Though, I don't think it's meant as a bad thing. But when you see a friend feeling bad, you want to say something to cheer them up - you don't want to tell them that they're fat and will never get a girlfriend/boyfriend, that's not very cheering nor nice. So it's probably very easy to say that you think someone is a catch, that their hair looks nice or that their clothes are awesome - even if it isn't 100% true, because you just don't want to be mean.
I never said I was feeling bad, this "flattery" is usually unprompted by anything. Also, that pic is ooooold, it's my TBT pic from yesterday. And the one I asked out was the most vocal, flattery-cheerleader and someone I've liked for a while, and when I asked her if she'd seen a certain movie she was like "I have no one to take me!" C'mon, I had enough to go on right there.0 -
Who knows. The fact that she doesn't want to go out with you doesn't mean she doesn't think you're a great guy.
So, she's not the girl you're destined to marry. Someone else is. You'll find her. 0 -
Sure it's real, but this isn't such a great place to try and talk about it.
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You actually look cute, based on the profile picture. But as someone already said here, friends want to cheer you up, they don't want you to be unhappy and they really do want you to get out there. And when your friends say you're a catch ( even if they mean it or not), it doesn't mean they want to date you, cause you're friends and they don't look at you in a romantic or sexual way.
So to sum up, get out there, get a girlfriend who's not a friend already.0 -
people lie to make other people feel better.0
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herrspoons wrote: »osudtudent8 wrote: »people lie to make other people feel better.
This. If they found you attractive they would date you.
I have to ask if their flattery was in response to you talking about not having anyone though.
Nope it just comes up. I'm not in need of cheering up. One friend goes from 3 year boyfriend to 3 year boyfriend, never without, so me being single must seem like a travesty, idk.0 -
Lots of people on this thread are blowing smoke right up your *kitten*.
Yes "fatso flattery" is real. Folks like to make people they care about feel better, so they start pouring on the compliments to counter whatever obstacle might be standing in their way.
But all of the flattery is often baseless. They theoretically think you'd be fine with someone else, but themselves? Hell no.
Plenty are the former fatsos who lost weight and then suddenly had friends try and hit on them. These stories are a dime a dozen.
Looks matter to most people. Even the sweethearts who encourage you to "get out there", many of them would never even see you as a potential mate while you're still massively overweight.0 -
herrspoons wrote: »osudtudent8 wrote: »people lie to make other people feel better.
This. If they found you attractive they would date you.
Ummmm no. Just because you find your friends attractive it doesn't mean you would date them. I have tons of guy friends that I find attractive that I wouldn't date even if I was single. Make out with? Maybe. Sex up? Possibly. But date? Nope. I may love them or just be super fond of them but that doesn't mean that I think WE would be romantically compatible. It doesn't mean you can't see how great they are and want the best for them.
I mean heck, I was casually sleeping with my current bf for a year with NO plans on actually ever dating him it all. We were friends and that was it to me. Then somehow he roped me in and now it's 6 years later and we plan on getting married. But I actually tried to turn him down when he tried to actually "date" me *shrug*.
People are complicated.
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This most vocal flattery cheerleader...is she only this flattering and vocal with you? Or is this something she does with others in general? It may be her personality. It's hard to tell you for certain as I can only see part of the picture here.
This being said, I have had this happen where I never get/got hit on much, then when I had originally lost all the weight, it was like these guys I didn't think liked me at all ...came out of the woodwork to hit on me. It does make you wonder.0 -
I had guy friends that I thought would make good boyfriends, just not for me. I am sorry it was awkward with your friend. I hope that is all okay now.
I guess they just think you should put yourself out there.0 -
EricJonrosh wrote: »I never said I was feeling bad, this "flattery" is usually unprompted by anything. Also, that pic is ooooold, it's my TBT pic from yesterday. And the one I asked out was the most vocal, flattery-cheerleader and someone I've liked for a while, and when I asked her if she'd seen a certain movie she was like "I have no one to take me!" C'mon, I had enough to go on right there.
Ermmm... Just because she complained about "having no one to take her" doesn't = you having "enough to go on" - she's a person and I assume your friend, just because someone thinks you're nice doesn't = they want to date you.
I'm sure what the two girls have said is true, but it doesn't mean they want to, or should want to date you themselves.0 -
herrspoons wrote: »osudtudent8 wrote: »people lie to make other people feel better.
This. If they found you attractive they would date you.
No. I've been friends with many males during my life and I didn't want to date any of them, even the attractive ones. You just get to a point in your friendship where you see people as friends and not potential boyfriends. If she's your friend then she's saying things because she would like to see you happy. Wanting to see you find someone that is a good match for you is not the same as thinking she would be a good match for you. It's pretty easy to tell the difference between someone who is your friend and someone who is interested in dating you. If you can't easily spot the difference then use those female friends you have to help you notice when other girls are showing interest in you. I'm sure they would be willing to help you out.
Don't get upset with her if she has been nothing but honest with you, but perhaps you haven't been totally honest with yourself. Was there an ulterior motive for becoming friends with her maybe?0 -
EricJonrosh wrote: »Whenever I'm around friends, at least two or three females (hardbodies) start in with "why are you single, you should get out there, your such a catch." I used to say I was flattered that at 280 lbs, they thought I was anything but invisible to women. So the other day, two of them were carrying on, and I asked one of them out later that day. Got a weird kinda generalized response followed by silence for 2 days. Was this all fat-flattery? Does it happened to you? Just curious.
I would do the same thing if you were my platonic FRIEND. I don't ask my friends out on romantic dates, male/female...that's why they're my friends. It just makes it awkward. If I was in fact interested in that way, we would probably not be just friends.0 -
herrspoons wrote: »MsHarryWinston wrote: »herrspoons wrote: »osudtudent8 wrote: »people lie to make other people feel better.
This. If they found you attractive they would date you.
Ummmm no. Just because you find your friends attractive it doesn't mean you would date them. I have tons of guy friends that I find attractive that I wouldn't date even if I was single. Make out with? Maybe. Sex up? Possibly. But date? Nope. I may love them or just be super fond of them but that doesn't mean that I think WE would be romantically compatible. It doesn't mean you can't see how great they are and want the best for them.
I mean heck, I was casually sleeping with my current bf for a year with NO plans on actually ever dating him it all. We were friends and that was it to me. Then somehow he roped me in and now it's 6 years later and we plan on getting married. But I actually tried to turn him down when he tried to actually "date" me *shrug*.
People are complicated.
Romance has nothing to do with it. This is a about physical attraction, and these girls do not find him physically attractive at the moment. They could at least be honest about this.
You're mistaking physically attractive with SEXUALLY attractive. They may find him physically attractive without the urge to cross the platonic line. I saw the profile pic, the guy's a cutie, (seriously OP you've got a hot face) but it comes down to more than that when you decide to date someone. And hello they're FRIENDS. Females can EASILY subjectively evaluate a persons attractiveness and find them very attractive without the urge for it to ever go any farther than that.
I mean, have you never noticed the way we can full on check out another females butt or boobs and completely appreciate them while being totally hetero?
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I don't blame you for being confused, some women can be funny like that. Telling someone they'd make a good boyfriend and then turning them down just feels like they're trying to get rid of you. I'd try and avoid people like that, their mixed messages are unhelpful. No one needs friends like that, or their fake compliments which quickly turn into silence. Unfortunately dating websites and life in general are full of people like that. So if you do stumble across that person who wants to be with you, you've done really well. Keep looking, at least you know who it won't be.0
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With everyone else here on this. She's your friend and thinks of you that way, so you freaked her out. It doesn't mean she doesn't think you're a catch, she just doesn't want to be the one catching you, its awkward.0
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Just because someone thinks you're attractive doesn't mean they are interested in you. Don't take it personally.0
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Here is the problem with what the women in this thread are saying:
It's not that the girls HAVE to be interested in him just because they think he's a great catch. Of course not. There is always the possibility that they'd not be into him no matter what he looks like, and still think he's a "great guy".
But looks do matter to most people, on some level. The OP is an obese man. Statistically that does severely limit his options. Based off the one pic I can see, he seem to be a conventionally attractive person. If this same man stripped off almost all his fat he'd likely kill it in the dating world.
He will see a very strong uptick in the amount of women who are interested in giving him a shot, many of whom would never have looked at him twice before. That's just a fact. That doesn't even make the women shallow; most people are not visually attracted to obese bodies. Having his female friends talk about what a "great catch" he is doesn't change the fact that yes, the chances for him are far, far better if he stripped down his weight.
And there is even the possibility that some of his female friends might look at him differently. That isn't uncommon and anecdotally I speak from personal experience. If you've never been in those shoes, you'd be surprised by how many women who friend zoned you suddenly start giving you the "look" AFTER you're no longer a fatso.0 -
yepBased on your profile picture, I'd say it's not phony. You're a good looking guy, even with the extra weight. You've got a great smile and nice eyes.
And that's just appearance. I don't know anything about you as a person. Your friends are right to encourage you to date.
Internet dating sites are fantastic for getting to know people in a low-stakes environment.
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From my own personal experience, fatso flattery is definitely real.
In my past, I have had exactly five girls call me things like 'big sexy,' which is a surprisingly common one, but they wouldn't even bat a single eyelash at me in a romantic, or sexual way regardless of how many times they'd say things like "you're such a catch!" or "I have had such a huge crush on you since high school!" After I lost it all (before gaining it all back) those very same five girls were nearly stepping over each other to get with me.
Fatso flattery is all about physical attraction, period. And, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Someone can have the absolute best personality in the world, and perfectly fit every single one of your other tastes, but if they turn you off physically, it isn't going to happen.
I am going to catch absolute hell for saying this, but there are a number of girls I know who are such great "catches," but I would not entertain romantically unless they lost a whole bunch of weight. I hold myself to the same standard, and know that the vast majority of females would not look at me in that same light because of my size. People have such a difficult time coming to terms with this, and while it varies from person to person, raw physical attraction has a significant amount to do with whether, or not you perceive someone as a romantic interest.
That doesn't mean you are not a great catch. It just means that you are a great catch for someone else. Either way, that's pretty awesome.0 -
They might think you're an amazing person, but just aren't attracted to you. Nothing wrong with that.0
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Wow...
Somebody can't tell you that you're a catch unless they personally want to date you?! Really? That's a little icky, don't you think?
It's not false flattery to tell a friend that they are a good person, worthy of a loving relationship. It's false friendship to then expect that person wouldn't say "no" to an offer of a date without being accused of "fatso flattery".
Seriously.0 -
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EricJonrosh wrote: »Whenever I'm around friends, at least two or three females (hardbodies) start in with "why are you single, you should get out there, your such a catch." I used to say I was flattered that at 280 lbs, they thought I was anything but invisible to women. So the other day, two of them were carrying on, and I asked one of them out later that day. Got a weird kinda generalized response followed by silence for 2 days. Was this all fat-flattery? Does it happened to you? Just curious.
I have actually known women who I thought were pretty hot and lovely people that I did not want to date or be in a relationship with. I know, how is that possible for a dude, right? But it's possible. It cuts both ways. Crazy, huh?0
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