Being punished for doing it right
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TheVirgoddess wrote: »"Comparison is the thief of joy".
Focus on you, stop worrying about what she's doing or not doing.
this.0 -
I had this problem when I've tried to get in shape with my male SO(s) I'd be working my butt off to keep up with them in workouts and/or eat whatever it was we should/shouldn't be eating, and would watch the pounds just frakin MELT off them. While I'd be getting minuscule results. The Ex would also cheat on the diet he put us on and bully me into joining him so he wouldn't feel so bad. Making this attempt at getting fit on my own has been scary, but I'm getting farther and being more consistent than I ever was before.
It's your body that you're living in, let it be about you. I'd absolutely talk to her about your feelings because that's way more healthy for your relationship than holding on to resentment. But I'd end it with "That's why, you can do what you want. If you want to stick with it, I'll cheer you on. But I'm only going to focus on my journey from now on." and then hold to the good choices you've already been making on your own. Because you have, and the only person who gets let down if you stop is you.0 -
If you're in a calorie deficit, then you'll lose weight. It can be done eating nothing but McDonalds and cake, if you want. Sure, it won't be healthy, but eating less than you burn is what matters.
You do what you're doing, let her do what she's doing. Personally, I need a treat every evening, whether it's ice cream/gelato, chocolate, or a couple graham crackers. But as long as I'm eating healthy throughout the day, it's not so bad.0 -
Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration but I'm feeling rather bitter. My partner and I are in this together, in theory. The first time I lost a lot of weight we both watched our calories and exercised together. This time, she started with me, then wandered off.
I hit my calories every day. I exercise. I make healthy choices. At first I lost weight at a good rate, now I'm lucky if I lose .1. Yesterday she ate ice-cream, fish and chips, lots of soft drink, ignored calorie counting, frequently eats chocolate and take away milk drinks and lost .5.
I don't get it and it is so frustrating. I'm not binging because I'm not getting all the junky foods I want. I don't miss them. I'm not putting on muscle because I'm barely doing strength training and the last time I did this I lost heaps of weight (10Kgs of which stayed off).
Mostly I'm just ranting. It's so frustrating to have someone agree to this journey with you, only to openly defy everything you agreed to in front of you and STILL smash you in weight loss.
Anyone else suffer this problem?
Sometimes it can be hard when someone else close to you loses weight without seeming to try while we are trying and not losing as much. My dh lost 35 lbs this year without logging food or exercising. During that time, I did not lose as much weight. He eats giant bowls of ice cream in front of me. I'm not being punished. it isn't a contest. I eat food I like too and am probably healthier because I eat more balanced meals usually. I just can't do this without the logging and exercising aspect. His way of losing weight would not work for me.
As others have said, you can't compare or compete and be happy. Your partner is different from you. Tell your partner that you are glad she is making progress with her method and do your own thing. Look at your own progress beyond the scale. It sounds like you have done really well also.
Now, if she is making nasty remarks or gloating about making more progress then that is different.0 -
I get how you could be frustrated, but a few things here...
1) Bodies are different
2) You're not seeing her 24/7, so are you sure you know that she's being unhealthy or "defying" you at all times?
3) Even if she was doing all the "right" things, she could still be losing weight faster than you, and if you're not OK with that, you may not want to have agreements or challenges together surrounding weight loss
More than that, choosing to back out of something you've agreed to is one thing, but openly "defying" you or flaunting her "bad" choices in front of you is something else. Either case, it'd likely help most to talk to her about it.0 -
Okay I think I should address a few things quickly and then I will leave this thread alone. I appreciate all the supportive posts, but the negative ones are disheartening.
1. I am in no way bitter that my girlfriend is losing weight when I am not. I am proud of her for getting healthy, just as she is proud of me. I had a bad day and I was upset because she is eating above her calories consistently. It was not just that she was eating junk.
2. I have addressed the issue with her before. It is a difficult situation because she is studying and in a new job and is offered more temptations than me. I understand that, I just needed to rant on this particular day.
3. I appreciate the advice to focus more on NSV and measurements. I have never taken my measurements before (shying away as I used to from the scale) and I think it is something that I will now do. It will be a good way to avoid becoming disheartened.
Thank you to everyone who offered nice advice. I know it is a bad idea to compare, I was just having an off day. I will endeavour to stop doing so and focus on being pleased with my own progress.0 -
That whole, "Couples wanting to do things together" never works out in situations like this...0
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I can understand how that could be frustrating. Before, when I would try to lose, my husband who is already smaller than me, would lose much more rapidly that me without even really trying. Now, he has a massively fast metabolism as he is on his feet all day and (at the time) I worked in a call center chained to my desk like a veal for 8-10 hrs a day and also, we were both eating pretty much the same food, but it was just irritating anyway.
This time, he went into to this as a team effort with me. Mentally, it's made all the difference in the world to me. Perhaps you could mention to her that it is bothering you that she is taking a more laissez faire attitude to logging and eating healthy than you are. She may not even be aware of it since she is still losing weight, but perhaps it's the support that feels lacking. Somehow, I think if she was showing the same dedication that you are, you wouldn't mind a bit if she lost more. It always feels better when you know that you have a cheerleader and someone you can cheer on as well. I wish you the best of luck and can only recommend you stick with it!0 -
It does if one partner uses the other to practice their steinberg lifts.uconnwinsnc1 wrote: »That whole, "Couples wanting to do things together" never works out in situations like this...0 -
1. I am in no way bitter that my girlfriend is losing weight when I am not. I am proud of her for getting healthy, just as she is proud of me. I had a bad day and I was upset because she is eating above her calories consistently. It was not just that she was eating junk.
if she is losing weight then this is not the case... her TDEE must be higher than you thought.0 -
PrizePopple wrote: »PrizePopple wrote: »Liftng4Lis wrote: »First of all, you should be worrying about yourself, not her. You two can be the exact same age, weight and height and you're not going to lose at the same rate anyway.
This. Plus, it's not a contest. Maybe you need to grow up a bit.
Seriously? He even prefaced his whole post with "that might be a bit of an exaggeration but I'm feeling rather bitter". I get where he's coming from. His other half has given up the journey she had started with him, yet she lost weight (granted not a lot). He's frustrated. We all have moments like those at some point or another where it feels like all our hard work is getting us nowhere. If my pants didn't fit better I wouldn't know I've lost nearly 30 pounds, because to me my body looks the same (the face a bit too, until someone takes a picture of me and then I'm like "what the hell, I still have more than one chin?!").
And yes OP, you should likely talk to her about being frustrated that she's not kept up with what she agreed to. This is why I just quietly went about my own business without having my husband be part of it. My weight loss journey is mine.
Yes, seriously. According to the title of this post, the OP thinks she (according to her profile, the OP is female) is being punished. As long as the OP treats this like a contest and compares herself to others, she is never going to succeed in the long run. Maybe you don't want to hear the bitter truth and maybe she doesn't either, but she needs to grow up and take responsibility, not compare herself to her partner who is probably still eating at a deficit and therefore is losing weight. Furthermore, her partner lost .4 of a pound more than she did. That can be water weight or bowel movement...sorry, but it's true. So yes, she needs to grow up. Seriously.PrizePopple wrote: »Liftng4Lis wrote: »First of all, you should be worrying about yourself, not her. You two can be the exact same age, weight and height and you're not going to lose at the same rate anyway.
This. Plus, it's not a contest. Maybe you need to grow up a bit.
Seriously? He even prefaced his whole post with "that might be a bit of an exaggeration but I'm feeling rather bitter". I get where he's coming from. His other half has given up the journey she had started with him, yet she lost weight (granted not a lot). He's frustrated. We all have moments like those at some point or another where it feels like all our hard work is getting us nowhere. If my pants didn't fit better I wouldn't know I've lost nearly 30 pounds, because to me my body looks the same (the face a bit too, until someone takes a picture of me and then I'm like "what the hell, I still have more than one chin?!").
And yes OP, you should likely talk to her about being frustrated that she's not kept up with what she agreed to. This is why I just quietly went about my own business without having my husband be part of it. My weight loss journey is mine.
Yes OP should grow up.... policing what people eat is a waste of energy that he should be focusing on himself.
Okay next time either one of you posts complaining ... I'm going to tell you to grow up. Seem fair?
You will be waiting a LONG time. I don't complain, I find results.0
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