What is your WHY?

I know that at his point I either give up on myself or figure out a way to be healthy. I am resposible for my daughter's future eating habits and her body image. I want to be able to show her instead of just telling.

My original why was to show up a doctor. (I get so angry at doctors who diagnose me as fat and lazy, and I started calorie counting to make a point. My ob-gyn understood my point, agreed that I'm probably IR and put me on Metformin. That's how it started.)

Part of the why was knee pain (traumatic osteoarthritis); it was diagnosed ten years ago, but I was told I wasn't a good candidate for surgery *facepalm*. I used to be able to walk for miles. All the doctors insisted that losing weight would help with my knee pain. (Turns out they were wrong and it got worse, but that's another post.)

I was doing really well. Lost about 60 lbs. Then I decided I had to try GF because I was still having horrible knee pain. Bad idea, for me anyway. Made me horribly obsessive about food, gained a bunch of weight, wasn't sleeping, and it didn't do a thing for the pain. Scratch that. (I wasn't not doing it right. Turns out it helps rheumatoid arthritis but not injury induced osteoarthritis. Not the same thing at all.)

I fell and injured the offending knee a couple of times last winter, and my workout schedule and my diet just went plain out the window then I finally really mucked it up in March of this year. I finally got an ACL brace, which helps, sort of, but it doesn't provide the miraculous lack of pain and return of function everyone promised me. They won't operate on my knee because I'm only 40, but there is absolutely NO cartilage in there.

I've put back on about 35 bs since it all went sideways. I'm starving and exhausted and freezing all the time but the last time I had bloodwork, my TSH came back as 4.2, well within Canadian normal ranges. I need a new doctor. Maybe my new doctor will give me a hard time for being fat and that will motivate me. I want a second opinion on the thyroid, but I'll probably have to argue with whoever it is first, because they'll blame my fat on being lazy, even though my sister's been under treatment for thyroid issues for nearly a decade and for her, 4.2 is cause for panic. My iron may be tanking out - anemia is an issue I've had before, and it would explain some of the tiredness, but not the other symptoms (except perhaps the acid reflux).

I guess I need a new why because what I had wasn't strong enough to overcome the injury and the pain. I'm a little lost sometimes when my coworker tells me how much she respects me for what I've accomplished and all I see is my failure. I'm absolutely ashamed at how long I've let everything lapse and I don't know if I can face my PT and have to start all over again from ground zero.

I miss feeling strong. I miss feeling in control. I miss feeling like I'm accomplishing something. Perhaps that needs to be my why, to get back to that person who felt like she could do anything, be anything, even if she was still a little too fat.

I guess right now I need something external because I feel like I can't rely on myself anymore to do the right things. The plan is to respawn while I'm on vacation for three weeks and try to at least get back into the habit of regular workouts. We'll try and get new bloodwork and work on getting the food back under control when we're not dealing with holiday stress.

Thanks for listening.

-Betty-

I've been trying to get pregnant for close to 2 years now and really wanted to shed some pounds to see if that increases my chances, but also because if/when I DO get pregnant, I want to be healthy for the baby during pregnancy and afterwards. I just constantly think if I had gotten pregnant two years ago close to 300 lbs, and gained weight during pregnancy, how much harder it would have been for me to lose weight if I ever decided to do it.

So my why every month that I'm not pregnant is "Great, I have one more month of focusing on MY health in case I'm pregnant next month and have to focus on OUR health".

Well, 1) I want to be at a healthy weight 2) I want to go on holiday and not worry that I may not be fit enough to do some of the more physically demanding activities.

My why - because it's time.

Great read!! &Definitely so true!

bump

Because after being 143 and size 4 before meeting my boyfriend and now being 165 and a size 10, I feel like a big fat whale. I don't like feeling fat. It's uncomfortable. I may be perfectly in my BMI window right now, but I'm not happy.

BTW, I don't blame him for any of it. I'm the one that stuffed my face.

OP, I'm sorry about your mom. Nice job changing your mindset, defining your why, and doing what you need to do to be there for those you love.

I am turning 24 next month. I'm "obese" according to the BMI scale, but I don't feel that big. I'm also not especially self-conscious, although it sure was a confidence boost 35 pounds ago (before I had surgery, fell off the wagon in recovery, and gained it all back) when I was able to wear size medium shirts instead of extra large, and there weren't "fat rolls" on my back. My size doesn't bother me and I'm not in immediate mortal danger. I just want to be fit.

I want to be able to run if I need to get to a loved one in danger, or away from a crazy person. I want to be able to keep up with my younger brother (who is three years younger than I am, but in 2014 alone he ran six 5K races and did a stair climb to benefit a foundation for firefighters). I want to be strong enough to lift boxes the next time I move, which is in less than two years. I want to get some of this weight off my knees, hips, and especially my back. I have enough back problems and pinched nerves; it's something I hope will evaporate with more stretching and less weight. I don't want to get tired out easily, and I want my energy back. I have a lot of reasons that affect me in big ways every day, but still don't add up to the why I need to get my butt in gear the way I know I should.

But my real why is the effect I've had on others. When I had lost 35 pounds before, my best friend started losing weight, too. When I gained it all back, both of us lost our motivation. A recent ER visit confirmed my fears that my friend's health is much worse than I already knew it was. My friend has lost some weight - actually, about 25 pounds, which is awesome - and I'm really happy; I think if I start losing weight, it'll keep things rolling, and honestly, nothing would make me happier than to see my best friend get healthier.