Spouse not joining in

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Replies

  • 99clmsntgr
    99clmsntgr Posts: 777 Member
    There's only one thing you need to remember -- you can't want it for him.

    With a spouse that's similar, and other relatives as well, I can sympathize. You can promise support and remind him that you're in it together, but, until that person actually wants it...you can't do it for them.
  • dramaqueen45
    dramaqueen45 Posts: 1,009 Member
    I was dealing with the exact same scenario. My husband had been watching me lose weight since summer, complaining the whole time that he is fat, all the while eating two and three portions of my low calorie dinners, plus two or three bowls of cereal later in the evening, plus ice cream or dessert, plus alcoholic drinks, etc. I'm not saying anything is wrong with eating these things (before anyone says it) but calories are calories. Finally when I got to a 20 pound loss, he joined a fitness center 5 minutes away from his job and has been going almost daily. Now he refuses to step on a scale and refuses to measure, BUT he did take a photo of himself "before" and the other day he went to the doc (knee troubles from exercise) and his blood pressure is now normal (and he hasn't been taking his meds). So that is a win. I just think everyone has to come to the decision completely on their own AND do it their own way. He will NEVER be one to track calories and forget weighing and measuring food because he just hates those details, but he will exercise as he used to be a competitive athlete. And he has been trying to eat better and less in general. So my doing this has inspired him. I guess that's good enough! And we have been walking and cycling together since summer, so that is a plus too.
  • kelleybean1
    kelleybean1 Posts: 312 Member
    xcalygrl wrote: »
    Until he really wants to do it, nothing you say or do will change him.

    He may be saying, "I need to lose weight OR I want to lose weight OR my pants aren't fitting anymore," but until he is truly ready to lose weight it won't happen. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face, but it won't change where he is at in his journey. Everyone, including yourself, had to get to a point where weight loss finally "clicked." He isn't there yet. You can't make him be there; he has to get there on his own.

    Keep cooking healthy. Keep going to the gym. Keep doing this for you. One day he'll be ready and you'll be there to help guide him.

    This. ^^^^^ Tell him ONCE how much you would love to have him by your side during this journey, then leave it. This is his choice and his alone. I'm in the same boat with my hubby, and he's actually considering the gym now. He asked me to sign him up this morning, but I told him that is something he needs to do himself. I hope he does, but he needs to do this on his own for himself, not just to shut me up . ;-)
  • Mediocrates55
    Mediocrates55 Posts: 326 Member
    I love my husband dearly, but if he decided to start going to the gym with me I might punch him in the face. MY time, MY workout, MY research, MY journey. We've always been deliciously independent though. He's still delightfully slim, but at 31 his muscle tone isn't what it was in our early 20's. He's still gorgeous to me. If he decided to make the effort to use his gym membership, I'd support him but ultimately it's his decision. I'm not there to hold his hand or cajole him or light a fire under that lovely butt of his.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,033 Member
    I get this a lot from clients about their spouses. Lol, then they want me to go talk to them. As it's been mentioned, when a person is ready, they'll make the move towards doing it. Inferences and pushing them toward it makes it feel "forced" and it shouldn't.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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  • NoelFigart1
    NoelFigart1 Posts: 1,276 Member
    FWIW, my husband and I do go to the gym at the same time, but we split up and do very different workouts.
  • Capt_Apollo
    Capt_Apollo Posts: 9,026 Member
    just keep setting the good example. thats all you can really do.
  • enterdanger
    enterdanger Posts: 2,447 Member
    My husband has put on 45 lbs since we got married 5.5 years ago. I put on about the same and started dieting and working out. He had lost a 100+ lbs before we met, so the weight gain had me reminding him that he had done it before. After watching me diet for 9 months he finally got on MFP and is losing.

    He lost all his weight before by eating like 1500 calories a day. He's 6 foot...I think seeing me losing while eating a reasonable amount made him more open to getting healthy. I still haven't gotten him back in the gym, but I'll just keep gently reminding him of that hour of free time he has before I get home with the kids.
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  • njmark72
    njmark72 Posts: 99 Member
    I was one of these husbands you all rant about and the truth of the matter is we aren't going to change unless we really want to. I decided to stop my insanity and reached my goal weight of 180lbs in around 5 months. Lost over 80lbs in the process. I bounce between 185 - 193 lbs now...

    Honestly, I was inspired a lot by the transformations I have seen other people go through like on Biggest Loser or on Reddit, and now here of course. It all helps!

    Hopefully they will decide to live a healthier life... Keep working on them...

    Good Luck!
  • rbfdac
    rbfdac Posts: 1,057 Member
    I started this journey almost 100 days ago. My husband also needed to lose weight, but we had been on this yo-yo "lets eat better and move more" thing for a few months. Then 100 days ago, I decided I was tired of being fat and buckled down. At first he just wasn't in to it. He kept eating the same things he always did and when I would recommend a healthy meal he wouldn't want it. I would say "I thought you wanted to eat better and lose weight?" and he said "that was a few months ago, I don't want to do it any more". So, I gave up and just did my thing. Granted, it took a little willpower when he was eating cookies and I was sipping tea, but I just put my mind to it and did it.
    About a month and a half in to my healthy eating habits, he joined the gym. He slowly started eating better and now he watches his calories, eats what I eat, and hits the gym every day. I truly believe he was motivated by my self control and weight loss. if you've already talked to him about your concerns, I would say give him a little more time and maybe he will eventually come around like my husband did. You can't force him to do anything, so just do what you need to do. He will either come around or he won't.
    You need to do what's best for you, and that might include ignoring all of his junk food.
  • aeharvey36
    aeharvey36 Posts: 16 Member
    My husband did not join me on my weight loss journey. As he watched me lose the weight he felt inspired to lose weight too. You keep on doing you're thing. Your husband may come around at some point. All you can do is be supportive and encouraging.
  • Archerychickge
    Archerychickge Posts: 606 Member
    When I started almost a year ago, mine said "I am NOT on a diet, you're on your own" Now that he sees how I've done, he says he's going to start after the 1st of January.
  • angelamb1970
    angelamb1970 Posts: 123 Member
    As long as he is supportive and not hindering your efforts, all is golden. It took mine 5 months to "see the light" and now he is sorta on board and eating/exercising better. I know I'd have been pretty peeved had he pushed me. I gave him the same courtesy. You can only make change when you WANT to make change.

    I think the turning point for him came when we took a leisurely bike ride on the Thanksgiving holiday and he was outta breath and couldn't keep up. I'm by no means an athlete, and my BMI is definitely higher than his. It was and always be his choice though.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    My hubby has been pretty generous with the changes to my lifestyle, which means less time together. I'm off to the gym or a run, and he's not in the mood. He moans about getting "motivated" but I can't give him a pill or an injection to get him moving.

    I'm paying it forward not by insisting he change along with me, but allowing him the generosity to do what he likes at his own pace.

    Leave the poor guy alone. The next time he moans about having to get healthier, give him an indulgent pat and say, "Sure, big fella".
  • AglaeaC
    AglaeaC Posts: 1,974 Member
    jgnatca wrote: »
    My hubby has been pretty generous with the changes to my lifestyle, which means less time together. I'm off to the gym or a run, and he's not in the mood. He moans about getting "motivated" but I can't give him a pill or an injection to get him moving.

    I'm paying it forward not by insisting he change along with me, but allowing him the generosity to do what he likes at his own pace.

    Leave the poor guy alone. The next time he moans about having to get healthier, give him an indulgent pat and say, "Sure, big fella".

    I agree with all of it, but not the "Sure, big fella" part. I'd be mortified and extremely hurt if my partner said "Sure, big girl" to me.
  • laura2813
    laura2813 Posts: 84 Member
    I know exactly how you feel but as I've told my husband "I can lead you to the water but I can't make you drink".

    The problem I have with my husband (and it sounds like you are having the same one with the ice cream comment) is he eats all the healthy food I bring into the house plus most of the junk he brings in. Then he leaves me with an empty shelf and all that's left is stuff that is bad for me (ie. ice cream, pop tarts, chips, candy, processed boxed dinners, etc). I noticed this after he scarfed down all the dinner I made (he probably had 4 portions) and didn't leave me anything to take to lunch the next day. Now when I cook I immediately put a portion aside in my lunch container so he won't take it out of the pot and eat it. As far as the fresh veggies and fruit go I've told him if he eats the last of something he is responsible for immediately replacing it. Now there seems to be at least something fresh to eat. lol
  • _Waffle_
    _Waffle_ Posts: 13,049 Member
    edited December 2014
    jgnatca wrote: »
    My hubby has been pretty generous with the changes to my lifestyle, which means less time together. I'm off to the gym or a run, and he's not in the mood. He moans about getting "motivated" but I can't give him a pill or an injection to get him moving.

    I'm paying it forward not by insisting he change along with me, but allowing him the generosity to do what he likes at his own pace.

    Leave the poor guy alone. The next time he moans about having to get healthier, give him an indulgent pat and say, "Sure, big fella".

    Make sure and pat his stomach so he knows you're talking about that and not his genitals. Men tend to assume the best case scenario usually. Guys are such optimist.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    LOL, best case scenario, for sure. When hubby got an "obese" diagnosis years ago he followed me around the house for days begging me to confirm that he wasn't fat. He's still a lot trimmer than me but not for much longer. I can borrow his jacket now.
  • BWBTrish
    BWBTrish Posts: 2,817 Member
    My sweet husband eats what i eat. Is supportive in any way and what i am doing. He lost some pounds too ( dont even really needs to). And he eats a bit extra of the food he likes ( like nacho's and stuff) most of the time when i am in the gym. He doesn't go to the gym But he dont have to. He is for his age fit and not too heavy. He walks with me every evening. He is happy for me and interested. And love the food i put in front of him lol.

    I think indeed even when your husband doesn't want the healthier life style that it would be easier when they he is supportive and interested in what your doing.
  • scupit
    scupit Posts: 32 Member
    Wow, thanks for all the support and comments. I am just now realizing I had so many responses to my post. I thought I would get notified somehow when I had a response. Guess not. Okay, so hubby is on board! I basically just told him I was concerned about our health and our future. Neither one of us is necessarily overweight. He might be a tad overweight but nothing too bad. However, I see both of us going down a bad path...eating too much bad food and drinking too much beer/wine. Anyway, we both started our healthy eating on Saturday. And honestly he's been stronger than me. I already want a glass or two of wine! I'm just glad we are in this together.
  • ejcanavan
    ejcanavan Posts: 52 Member
    Being healthy isn't always about being overweight. I have seen my skinny friends wheeze walking up the stairs. We both want to be here for many years and watch our children grow up.
    My bf and I discussed our meals even over chat at work and make sure we keep each other motivated, but he too didn't start until recently when he saw my progress. He wants to support me and keep us both motivated to keep on track. May be TMI but he will be better able to keep up with me in the bedroom ;) and that motivated him ten-fold.
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