Question for moms that aren't with their child(ren)'s father
SemperAnticus1643
Posts: 703 Member
Would you keep your child(ren) away from their father? Why or why not?
I'm facing this dilemma right now. Not for myself because I feel justified in keeping my kids away from their bio dad. He has a record longer than my college transcript and I have a Bachelor's degree. lol But for my husband. You see, he got involved with a woman who quickly became pregnant soon after they got together. So he stayed for 5 years with her. One day the phone rings at their home and its her boyfriend calling. (My husband and his ex were never married.) So the next day, he packs his clothes and leaves. He's out of the picture completely for about 6 months. (He and I get together 4 months after he leaves his ex.) Once he gets back on his feet he gives her a call. All goes well for a few months when she starts asking for money. No big deal right? We have the money to send at this point. Both of us are working and we can afford it. So he asks her to wait 2 weeks until he gets paid. The very next week, we get child support papers dated the week before she asks for money. So we just wait for the child support to go through and don't send money. Here's where things start going down hill. Now his ex is mad cause she has to include his child support in her income for her state assistance. So she starts dodging his phone calls so he can talk to his daughter. That blows over and he tells her he's engaged. She gets mad again and keeps him from talking to his daughter. He switches jobs and informs the case worker that he has so she can get the child support taken out of his check. His ex gets mad again cause she didn't get child support for that week. His ex intercepts his tax return of over $1000 and gets mad at my husband cause his child support went down $20 a week cause she received his arrears. And of course every time she gets mad she stops taking his calls. Its even gotten to the point now where she has disconnected her home phone so he can't call the house. He can only call her. My husband has also asked to keep his daughter for the summer and she refuses because she doesn't know me. I've tried emailing her and she has told me to stay out of her business. That my step daughter has nothing to do with me. Yet she has gone through 3 different men in less than 2 years. Has had another baby and I honestly don't think she knows who the father is or she's not telling the man that signed his name on the birth certificate that its not his. (She claims he knows and gave the child his name even tho it's not his child. Which makes no sense to me that he would do so, especially since this man has seen what she does to her daughter's bio dad.) My husband and I have been together since 4 months after he left her.
My other question is why does she act like this?? I'm 26 and don't act like that towards my kids dad. (He and I get along fairly well considering he has never paid a dime in child support for our 2 kids and he's only seen them a handful of times in the last 5 years.) And she's 6 years older than I am!
I'm facing this dilemma right now. Not for myself because I feel justified in keeping my kids away from their bio dad. He has a record longer than my college transcript and I have a Bachelor's degree. lol But for my husband. You see, he got involved with a woman who quickly became pregnant soon after they got together. So he stayed for 5 years with her. One day the phone rings at their home and its her boyfriend calling. (My husband and his ex were never married.) So the next day, he packs his clothes and leaves. He's out of the picture completely for about 6 months. (He and I get together 4 months after he leaves his ex.) Once he gets back on his feet he gives her a call. All goes well for a few months when she starts asking for money. No big deal right? We have the money to send at this point. Both of us are working and we can afford it. So he asks her to wait 2 weeks until he gets paid. The very next week, we get child support papers dated the week before she asks for money. So we just wait for the child support to go through and don't send money. Here's where things start going down hill. Now his ex is mad cause she has to include his child support in her income for her state assistance. So she starts dodging his phone calls so he can talk to his daughter. That blows over and he tells her he's engaged. She gets mad again and keeps him from talking to his daughter. He switches jobs and informs the case worker that he has so she can get the child support taken out of his check. His ex gets mad again cause she didn't get child support for that week. His ex intercepts his tax return of over $1000 and gets mad at my husband cause his child support went down $20 a week cause she received his arrears. And of course every time she gets mad she stops taking his calls. Its even gotten to the point now where she has disconnected her home phone so he can't call the house. He can only call her. My husband has also asked to keep his daughter for the summer and she refuses because she doesn't know me. I've tried emailing her and she has told me to stay out of her business. That my step daughter has nothing to do with me. Yet she has gone through 3 different men in less than 2 years. Has had another baby and I honestly don't think she knows who the father is or she's not telling the man that signed his name on the birth certificate that its not his. (She claims he knows and gave the child his name even tho it's not his child. Which makes no sense to me that he would do so, especially since this man has seen what she does to her daughter's bio dad.) My husband and I have been together since 4 months after he left her.
My other question is why does she act like this?? I'm 26 and don't act like that towards my kids dad. (He and I get along fairly well considering he has never paid a dime in child support for our 2 kids and he's only seen them a handful of times in the last 5 years.) And she's 6 years older than I am!
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My opinion is that some moms can be far more toxic to their children out of spite.0
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My opinion is that some moms can be far more toxic to their children out of spite.
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Age doesn't matter. I know 40 year olds who do this. And I agree with previous poster.0
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And this woman claims she's happier than ever and is going to marry the love of her life. That's what I don't get.0
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sounds to me like she's jealous that he is with you. As far as him seeing the child, you will need to take that up with your lawyer. She is actually in contempt if there was some sort custody areement. And i agree with the other two, she doesn't realize what this is doing to the child and eventually it's going to come back and bite her
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Would you keep your child(ren) away from their father? Why or why not?
I'm facing this dilemma right now. Not for myself because I feel justified in keeping my kids away from their bio dad. He has a record longer than my college transcript and I have a Bachelor's degree. lol But for my husband. You see, he got involved with a woman who quickly became pregnant soon after they got together. So he stayed for 5 years with her. One day the phone rings at their home and its her boyfriend calling. (My husband and his ex were never married.) So the next day, he packs his clothes and leaves. He's out of the picture completely for about 6 months. (He and I get together 4 months after he leaves his ex.) Once he gets back on his feet he gives her a call. All goes well for a few months when she starts asking for money. No big deal right? We have the money to send at this point. Both of us are working and we can afford it. So he asks her to wait 2 weeks until he gets paid. The very next week, we get child support papers dated the week before she asks for money. So we just wait for the child support to go through and don't send money. Here's where things start going down hill. Now his ex is mad cause she has to include his child support in her income for her state assistance. So she starts dodging his phone calls so he can talk to his daughter. That blows over and he tells her he's engaged. She gets mad again and keeps him from talking to his daughter. He switches jobs and informs the case worker that he has so she can get the child support taken out of his check. His ex gets mad again cause she didn't get child support for that week. His ex intercepts his tax return of over $1000 and gets mad at my husband cause his child support went down $20 a week cause she received his arrears. And of course every time she gets mad she stops taking his calls. Its even gotten to the point now where she has disconnected her home phone so he can't call the house. He can only call her. My husband has also asked to keep his daughter for the summer and she refuses because she doesn't know me. I've tried emailing her and she has told me to stay out of her business. That my step daughter has nothing to do with me. Yet she has gone through 3 different men in less than 2 years. Has had another baby and I honestly don't think she knows who the father is or she's not telling the man that signed his name on the birth certificate that its not his. (She claims he knows and gave the child his name even tho it's not his child. Which makes no sense to me that he would do so, especially since this man has seen what she does to her daughter's bio dad.) My husband and I have been together since 4 months after he left her.
My other question is why does she act like this?? I'm 26 and don't act like that towards my kids dad. (He and I get along fairly well considering he has never paid a dime in child support for our 2 kids and he's only seen them a handful of times in the last 5 years.) And she's 6 years older than I am!
It's not about age it's about someone's mental health. Honestly I would encourage your husband to go for full custody and I would also highly consider reporting her to child services. If he wants to be in his daughters life he needs to take charge of that and get a court appointed custody agreement for whatever meets your personal needs as parents. Trying to figure out why she acts that way won't solve any problems. I have been through this so many times and it all comes down to the courts unfortunately.0 -
Would you keep your child(ren) away from their father? Why or why not?
I'm facing this dilemma right now. Not for myself because I feel justified in keeping my kids away from their bio dad. He has a record longer than my college transcript and I have a Bachelor's degree. lol But for my husband. You see, he got involved with a woman who quickly became pregnant soon after they got together. So he stayed for 5 years with her. One day the phone rings at their home and its her boyfriend calling. (My husband and his ex were never married.) So the next day, he packs his clothes and leaves. He's out of the picture completely for about 6 months. (He and I get together 4 months after he leaves his ex.) Once he gets back on his feet he gives her a call. All goes well for a few months when she starts asking for money. No big deal right? We have the money to send at this point. Both of us are working and we can afford it. So he asks her to wait 2 weeks until he gets paid. The very next week, we get child support papers dated the week before she asks for money. So we just wait for the child support to go through and don't send money. Here's where things start going down hill. Now his ex is mad cause she has to include his child support in her income for her state assistance. So she starts dodging his phone calls so he can talk to his daughter. That blows over and he tells her he's engaged. She gets mad again and keeps him from talking to his daughter. He switches jobs and informs the case worker that he has so she can get the child support taken out of his check. His ex gets mad again cause she didn't get child support for that week. His ex intercepts his tax return of over $1000 and gets mad at my husband cause his child support went down $20 a week cause she received his arrears. And of course every time she gets mad she stops taking his calls. Its even gotten to the point now where she has disconnected her home phone so he can't call the house. He can only call her. My husband has also asked to keep his daughter for the summer and she refuses because she doesn't know me. I've tried emailing her and she has told me to stay out of her business. That my step daughter has nothing to do with me. Yet she has gone through 3 different men in less than 2 years. Has had another baby and I honestly don't think she knows who the father is or she's not telling the man that signed his name on the birth certificate that its not his. (She claims he knows and gave the child his name even tho it's not his child. Which makes no sense to me that he would do so, especially since this man has seen what she does to her daughter's bio dad.) My husband and I have been together since 4 months after he left her.
My other question is why does she act like this?? I'm 26 and don't act like that towards my kids dad. (He and I get along fairly well considering he has never paid a dime in child support for our 2 kids and he's only seen them a handful of times in the last 5 years.) And she's 6 years older than I am!
Had a conversation with my wife before we got married. She was always slamming her ex. Many times in front of Nikki and Tara. He was a little arrears in his child support.
One day, I hushed her and called her into the bathroom to talk about it. It was a very emotional conversation, but the bottom line was:
"He may have been the worst husband in the world, but He is the girls' Father and you need to stop running their father down in front of them. I am here; I make money; we will make it. If you have a problem, take it up with the court system, but DON'T trash their Father in front of them."
It never happened again.
We worked out a pleasant relationship and the girls love their father. They love me too.
Unless your ex is a threat to your children's well-bing, you should not deprive them of their relationship with him.0 -
My opinion is that some moms can be far more toxic to their children out of spite.
ditto.
My husband and I recently separated, and I would *NEVER* try to impede his visitations. He is their father, and they love him and he loves them. People who use their children as paychecks and/or pawns against the other parent just suck.
Is there established visitations through the court? If so, she's in contempt. If not, my first step (as your husband) would be to rectify that and get an order ASAP!0 -
Not to sound like you aren't justified in your complaint...but be sure you know both sides.
I was married to a man and could never figure out why his ex-wife kept their daughter away from him. I believed his version of how/why things had ended and what a wonderful dad he had been. Fast forward 3 years of dating 3 years of marriage...I file for divorce...and now I know why his ex-wife kept their daughter away from him.
He is now on marriage number three and SHOCKED...his new wife doesn't understand why I won't let my son be a part of "their" family. I have a 100 reasons why NONE of which are her business!
What I am trying to say is...there may be things you don't know about the situation...maybe just maybe....not saying your man is a bad man...just saying...don't be to quick to judge...0 -
If there was a safety concern yes, i'd move heaven and earth to prevent contact but otherwise no.
My ex was a total wa*ker to me and wasn't the nicest at times to the kids but he is their dad and while our split was bitter I never ever wanted to keep them from seeing him, in fact most of our post break up arguments were because I didn't think he was putting in enough time with them. 2 hours once a week was not good enough.
Based on what you've said, your fellas ex is using her daughter as a tool, not loving parent material!0 -
The same way she got him to pay child support legally, your husband needs to go through the courts and set up a visitation schedule so when she violates it, she's getting in trouble with the court. Less hassle on both ends. Speaking from personal experience.0
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I would never not let my kids see there father. I have two with different dads. I got pregnant with my first one, Kai, when I was 16, and it was per pressure to say the least....and he didn't see her until she was 10 months old because he never tried. Even though we have had a lot of issues, we have worked them out like adults and we are friends. We can easily go places together with out daughter, and we often do. As for the other dad, we have a lot more issues right now (still handle it like adults) and he is out of state, but when he gets back it won't be any different. Children need both parents and they deserve to not get caught in the middle of their parents' drama.
Unless of course the dad is something like a sex offender, or it would be seriously unsafe to have the child around the father.
Also, I am 19, and (not being cocky) I know that I am a better parent than a lot of people. I can't believe how immature parents can be sometimes...0 -
If he is paying child support then I would take her to court. He has as much right to see his daughter as the mother. If she is not doing what she is suppose to get it legally binding on when he sees her and when he doesn't. This makes it easier on both parents as well as if she starts acting out again court can be contacted and actions taken.0
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Well heres the deal if he is court ordered to pay child support there should also be visitation appointed by the court at the same time. SO what he needs to do is go to a lawyer or judge and let them know she is in violation. Because as long as he is paying the child support he has every right to see her. Most parents that live within a 100 miles get Wednesdays from 6-8 and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend and also rotate holidays.0
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Is there a court order for visitation time included with the child support? If so, and she is keeping him from seeing or talking to his daughter, he can take her to court for violating the order. If there is no visitation order in place, maybe it is time to consider setting one up. It's always best if the parents can just get along and work things out like adults, but sadly that doesn't always work. That is why the courts are there, to make sure that neither parent nor child suffers because of a messy breakup or a *itchy ex.
I also agree with the age thing. Years don't always bring wisdom or maturity.0 -
My ex is. I don't discuss my kids' bio dad in front of them. I really don't discuss him at all. He has several DUI's, domestic abuse charges and possession of marijuana charges. So that's why I feel justified in keeping him from them. Although I have given him the opportunity on several occasions to come visit them while I am there.
My husband on the other hand does not have a criminal record at all.0 -
Well heres the deal if he is court ordered to pay child support there should also be visitation appointed by the court at the same time. SO what he needs to do is go to a lawyer or judge and let them know she is in violation. Because as long as he is paying the child support he has every right to see her. Most parents that live within a 100 miles get Wednesdays from 6-8 and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend and also rotate holidays.
We live in different states. So there is no going back and forth for my step daughter. It's an extended amount of time in one place then back to the other. There is also no court order for custody because they were never married. She filed for child support after he left and child support and child custody are 2 different divisions.0 -
Not at all correct....my ex-husband lives 30 minutes from me and he is allowed absolutley NO contact of any kind with our son, and he pays me support ...well at least when he has a job he does!0
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Best advice I could give is take it to court and get a custody agreement. That way by law his ex can not keep his child away from him unless she can prove him unfit. Also if she does not meet her end of the agreement she can be thrown in jail for it. It also varries from state to state. Also some women never grow up. Sad to say, I have a step daughter who is 7 and I am 26 and her mother is the biggest pos I know. When she stays the summer we have to throw out all her clothes becasue they reek of dirty dog ( unbathed and feces) and we have to take her to the dentist to get her teethed cleaned because she can't tell us the last time she brushed her teeth. She the mother does not hold or job therefor she doesnt pay child support.0
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Not to sound like you aren't justified in your complaint...but be sure you know both sides.
I was married to a man and could never figure out why his ex-wife kept their daughter away from him. I believed his version of how/why things had ended and what a wonderful dad he had been. Fast forward 3 years of dating 3 years of marriage...I file for divorce...and now I know why his ex-wife kept their daughter away from him.
He is now on marriage number three and SHOCKED...his new wife doesn't understand why I won't let my son be a part of "their" family. I have a 100 reasons why NONE of which are her business!
What I am trying to say is...there may be things you don't know about the situation...maybe just maybe....not saying your man is a bad man...just saying...don't be to quick to judge...
I have talked with his other ex before his daughter's mother. She says that he is a good man and loves children and will do anything for his child. He's great with my kids and has happily stepped into the "daddy" role. And I know the story from both sides. And although he wasn't a poster child for a boyfriend (he only stayed with her for the child) he was a great father.0 -
I dont let my 7yr old talk to her father at all, we live across the country from him, he has not seen her in 4yrs...
I dont care.... no support from him....so w/e....0 -
Some parents (moms and dads alike) use their children as pawns in vindictive games. It's awful, awful, awful.
Is there a custody agreement in place now? If not, get an attorney and go after custody.
Took me a lot of time and a lot of money, but I was able to get my custody set up the way it should be for the sake of my daughter.
And I never, ever EVER deny her access to her father, even if he is a horrible excuse for a human being. He isn't violent with her, he takes care of her basic needs, but he lacks any semblance of emotions or a soul. He doesn't have any idea what it means to spend time with his child, nor how to bond with her. I encourage her to see him and call him. She is the one who is resistant even though I insist and follow the court ordered visitation schedule.
My court order includes other items such as, if I call him, he must call me back within 24 hours. If I call to speak to her, he must allow me to speak to her (within reason.... not past her bedtime or for other valid reasons). The same goes in reverse.
I am lucky. While my ex is a POS, he and I do VERY well to co-parent our child. We are respectful to one another in her presence, talk frequently about our daughter's care and day to day events (but only about her, we never talk of other topics), and inform each other of her appointments and such. Sounds nice and easy - it's NOT. I have to swallow my rage at all he's done and put us through, but it's for her sake so I do it. However, not every person is able to do that..... which is my nice way of saying your DH's ex is an immature, self centered you-know-what.....
Good luck with this.0 -
Well heres the deal if he is court ordered to pay child support there should also be visitation appointed by the court at the same time. SO what he needs to do is go to a lawyer or judge and let them know she is in violation. Because as long as he is paying the child support he has every right to see her. Most parents that live within a 100 miles get Wednesdays from 6-8 and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend and also rotate holidays.
We live in different states. So there is no going back and forth for my step daughter. It's an extended amount of time in one place then back to the other. There is also no court order for custody because they were never married. She filed for child support after he left and child support and child custody are 2 different divisions.
Well then IF he is serious about seeing her then he needs to take her to court , and get visitation rights.
Yes it will cost you some money. BUT what a couple hundred or a couple thousand compared to a life time with your children.
MY ex husband is an *kitten* and I truly hate him, but my son goes and sees him when he is suppose to. He is 10 and has to go. My daughter on the other hand is 14 and hasnt been there in 2 years. and that is her choice not mine. SHe knows and see what kind of person he is and doesnt want anything to do with him. SO it is a 2 way street and sometimes you dont know all you think you do about someones past. My exs last girlfriend hated me ..(which was weird because I actually felt that my kids would be safer with her around, so I had no problem with her)... that is until they broke up! and then she came to me one day and said I have no idea how you stayed married to him and I understand why now.
OH I didnt mention he is a drunk and hes an angry one at that.0 -
That is the typical visitation appointed by most courts. but not all.Not at all correct....my ex-husband lives 30 minutes from me and he is allowed absolutley NO contact of any kind with our son, and he pays me support ...well at least when he has a job he does!0 -
Ex's can be mind-boggling insane.
Signed The Sane One.0 -
Ex's can be mind-boggling insane.
Signed The Sane One.
Co-sign.0 -
Well heres the deal if he is court ordered to pay child support there should also be visitation appointed by the court at the same time. SO what he needs to do is go to a lawyer or judge and let them know she is in violation. Because as long as he is paying the child support he has every right to see her. Most parents that live within a 100 miles get Wednesdays from 6-8 and every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend and also rotate holidays.
We live in different states. So there is no going back and forth for my step daughter. It's an extended amount of time in one place then back to the other. There is also no court order for custody because they were never married. She filed for child support after he left and child support and child custody are 2 different divisions.
Well then IF he is serious about seeing her then he needs to take her to court , and get visitation rights.
Yes it will cost you some money. BUT what a couple hundred or a couple thousand compared to a life time with your children.
MY ex husband is an *kitten* and I truly hate him, but my son goes and sees him when he is suppose to. He is 10 and has to go. My daughter on the other hand is 14 and hasnt been there in 2 years. and that is her choice not mine. SHe knows and see what kind of person he is and doesnt want anything to do with him. SO it is a 2 way street and sometimes you dont know all you think you do about someones past. My exs last girlfriend hated me ..(which was weird because I actually felt that my kids would be safer with her around, so I had no problem with her)... that is until they broke up! and then she came to me one day and said I have no idea how you stayed married to him and I understand why now.
OH I didnt mention he is a drunk and hes an angry one at that.
We are saving money for the attorney. We also have ot go through the adoption process for my daughters. My husband will legally adopt my children since their bio dad has nothing to do with them. We will then modify the child support because we think its only fair that since we pay over 1100 a month in child care that should come into play in paying his ex cash. I don't receive child support and my husband is responsible for my children but not legally until they are his. While his ex claims a child that she has only one month out of the year and doesn't pay child support for. I feel things need to be on equal ground and so does he. But we will eventually be able to get a lawyer. I believe next year at the earliest is when we will have the funds to pay for one. We also have the option to file a parenting plan ourselves but I want to make sure she gets railroaded in the process. :happy:0 -
I am still married, but if I was not I would never keep my kids away from their father unless he was physically harming them or putting them in danger. I know what it's like to grow up with an absentee or part-time dad, and it is not good for the kid. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. One day, right when we first started dating, he went to visit his daughter and the family had disappeared. His ex remarried and took his daughter with no explanation. She refuses contact to us. There were court dates which she didn't show up to, so nothing can be done at this point. His daughter is now 13 years old. A few years ago I found his ex's new husband on myspace, and tried to contact them but their account was deleted immediately after. We will look for her again when she is 18 and she can learn the truth about why my husband hasn't been in her life, and I hope it backfires on her mother because my husband has been in pain over this for too long.0
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I am still married, but if I was not I would never keep my kids away from their father unless he was physically harming them or putting them in danger. I know what it's like to grow up with an absentee or part-time dad, and it is not good for the kid. My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. One day, right when we first started dating, he went to visit his daughter and the family had disappeared. His ex remarried and took his daughter with no explanation. She refuses contact to us. There were court dates which she didn't show up to, so nothing can be done at this point. His daughter is now 13 years old. A few years ago I found his ex's new husband on myspace, and tried to contact them but their account was deleted immediately after. We will look for her again when she is 18 and she can learn the truth about why my husband hasn't been in her life, and I hope it backfires on her mother because my husband has been in pain over this for too long.
This is actually what we are afraid of. His ex now has his daughter calling her new boyfriend Daddy and calling my husband by his name. He mentioned that he's her Daddy and his daughter replied I have 2 daddys now!0 -
if you don't go fight for custody/visitation, she will continue to do this until the child is 18. My husband had to call the police to go check on his children because she wouldn't let him speak to them (we lived 3000 miles away). We called their school and had them pulled out of class to talk to them when it became necessary. Just do not give up, because after the child turns 18, they will know what is true and they will not respect the parent who tried to turn them against their father.
if he already has a support order in place and he is complying, it shouldnt take that much more to get visitation. My brother did and he was awarded 50/50. GO FIGHT.0
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