Anorexia, post babies, feeling like trash.

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JBaby11113
JBaby11113 Posts: 17
in Motivation and Support
So I was always very thin when I was younger (pre kids) and I did used to take pills and everything to stay skinny. I was very much underweight but I always struggled always feeling overweight. Now I have had 3 kids and I am about 20 lbs away from my pre baby weight but I feel SO huge. I know I am not that bad anymore but I can hardly take a shower with my husband without wanting to cry. I am not sure what to do but I need this weight OFF NOW. I amso uncomfortable I can't even explain it. I dont want to look in the mirror and I just feel depressed. I haven't talked to my therapist about it at all recently (I see a therapist because I have been diagnosed and treated for OCD since I was 10 or so). I know OCD and anorexia go hand in hand a lot but I dont know that it is anorexia I am struggling with. I feel like I actually am just overweight and thats why I feel this way.
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Replies

  • scottwheeler75
    scottwheeler75 Posts: 31 Member
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    You have probably heard the saying, "We are our own worse enemy". I find it interesting and troubling that we often look upon ourselves with the most severe criticism. We compare ourselves to others, seeing our differences as flaws. Part of the challenge most of us face is learning to love and accept ourselves. Being skinny is not as important as being strong and healthy.

    Hang in there! Add me as a friend, ScottWheeler75, if you think I could help. I do know a good nutritionist, who I trust, that deals with eating disorders. I can get you her contact info if you are interested.

    -Scott
  • Codilee87
    Codilee87 Posts: 509 Member
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    Sounds like body dysmorphia. Ask yourself this: when you a woman with the same basic height and build as you, do you think they look fat and gross, or do you think they look healthy and beautiful?
  • JBaby11113
    JBaby11113 Posts: 17
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    Thanks scott!
    Codilee87, when I see women my size (or close to) i usually think they look ok I wouldnt say "healthy and beautiful" I dont know. I guess I would need to see a specific person to say!
  • JBaby11113
    JBaby11113 Posts: 17
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    I looked up some information on BDD and it said that the disorder is often an obsession with a specific part of the body rather than the overall weight or shape. I am DEFINITELY more worried about my entire body. I dont know. Maybe I am just overweight and nothings wrong with me feeling that way?!
  • tostaky
    tostaky Posts: 30 Member
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    Hiya, i too used to be anorexic and stick thin and i too have three kids now! Have you ever done some CBT? I found it really helpful. Also i try to focus on my kids rather than on my body. Is there something in your life that isnt right at the moment? Maybe you should look for causes... Often "we" try to gain control over our body because we have lost control somewhere else.. How is it going with your children? How old are they? Mine: 2, 4 and 6!
    Friend me if you wish
  • JBaby11113
    JBaby11113 Posts: 17
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    Mine are 6 3 and 1. Ive struggled with it since I was in high school and was skinny anyway so I dont know why =(. Its just worse now because of baby weight
  • SuperFitastic
    SuperFitastic Posts: 8 Member
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    Learning to love your body is everything. Treat it with kindness. Give it exercize it needs not as a discipline but as a way of loving it. Give it the nutrition it needs because you love it. Love your body enough to avoid harmful foods. You can do this. Learn to find value in you and to find a healthy level of selfishness making your own physical well-being a priority. You'll find the mind is sure to follow. The most underused anti-depressant is exercise. It takes 21 days of making yourself to build a habit and find enjoyment in it and you have to believe :)
  • JBaby11113
    JBaby11113 Posts: 17
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    I know this is unhealthy but I dont eat really. I mainly use homemade smoothies for nutrition. I hate the feeling of being full! I feel gross. I just was wondering if anyone else has gone through this kind of thing while trying to lose weight.
  • scottwheeler75
    scottwheeler75 Posts: 31 Member
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    JBaby11113 wrote: »
    I know I am not that bad anymore but I can hardly take a shower with my husband without wanting to cry.

    Your statement here has been bothering me since I saw your post. Maybe because I know my wife has felt the same way at times. But PLEASE (sorry for the all caps) remember that a husband's love for his wife, the mother of his children, is so much more than skin deep! You have sacrificed a lot to bring children into this world. We are incredibly grateful for this, for your willingness to go through the pain and discomfort and the affects on your body. Your personality and inner beauty is so much more important to us. Want is also important to us is how you feel about yourself. You are so much more than just your weight! I hope the two of you can lean on each other during tough times. Support and love one another unconditionally.

    -Scott
  • JBaby11113
    JBaby11113 Posts: 17
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    Thank you, Scott! I really needed that. He tells me all the time that he knows my body is different after having kids but that hes grateful for them. He tells me I am beautiful and I know he means it but there is a part of me that doesnt. I am lucky to have a husband who is very understanding of my mind set and knows of my previous eating disorder so he knows how I am about it. He says the same kind of thing about the weight thing doesnt matter, and I know it sounds completley immature and shallow but it matters to me! (not about him, about me). I want to feel just as sexy as I did when we met, for me and for him.
  • brianpperkins
    brianpperkins Posts: 6,124 Member
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    Your posts admit you were underweight and taking unhealthy measures to reach that state before your first child. Now your goals state that you want to return to that unhealthy, underweight state.

    Without knowing your basic stats (height, weight, etc) it is impossible for anyone here to assess if you are at a healthy weight right now or not. If you actually have any weight to lose (a very big if given your admitted history), I would recommend discussing it with an ED specialist. There are some things in the way you describe your current situation that scream potential issues if you were to embark on a weight loss program without specialized supervision.
  • irejuvenateme
    irejuvenateme Posts: 96 Member
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    Fellow parent here, sounds like you have a supportive husband.
    What I would ask is what happens when you reach your goal - how is your life supposed to change?
    Could the goal change into getting healthy and sustaining those changes? Eating is important to both having energy, and being fit.
    I can appreciate wanting to look a certain way, but also being healthy for the rest of your life will have great benefits to you.

    I also would add that starvation will probably not get you the result you are looking for, either mentally or physically, and may make parenting and handling life's challenges that much harder.

    Good luck on your journey and congrats on your kids! I have twins and they are a handful so I can't imagine 3!
  • Jennloella
    Jennloella Posts: 2,286 Member
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    you've got to talk to your therapist. You know you do. I can't imagine crying when you look in the mirror is not normal and it is not the result of a mere 20 pounds, there's a lot more going on in your head. Don't forget about the little people looking up to you now, teach them a healthy relationship with food, and get enough food that you can keep up with them. They won't remember if mommy was skinny, they'll remember if mommy ran with them at the park and ate meals with them.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    edited January 2015
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    If you are heavier than you were before your babies and you were too skinny before, you are likely closer to ideal now. You just haven't gotten used to the new you.

    My daughter, naturally slim, changed shape with her baby. Her hips widened and her breasts got bigger. Frankly, all her changes were closer to the "ideal", a lovely hourglass shape. I notice, because I am an artist.

    I think the worst thing you could do is try and lose the new twenty pounds, and the best thing is to talk to your therapist about learning to enjoy your new body.
  • cerad2
    cerad2 Posts: 70 Member
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    Use one of the many online calculators to calculate your current Body Mass Index (BMI). That will at least give you a starting point.
  • JBaby11113
    JBaby11113 Posts: 17
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    I do know that I am NOT setting a good example for my 2 daughters. I cook for them half the time (my husband the other half) and when I do I often "clean the kitchen" to avoid sitting and craving eating. I DO know this is unhealthy. Trust me when I say I absolutley know what I am doing is bad. I know this because I tried to gain muscle and I just couldnt stand seeing the scale go up, so I stopped and decided I'd rather be skinny than see a high number on the scale. I know that isnt normal. I know that weighing my food and myself before I eat it to get an idea of what that might do to me is not normal (or accurate). In my head I know these things but I am so scared of gaining.
    Pre baby I weighed between 120-125 lbs. I am/was 5' 4.5" (Some dr's say 5'5" some say 5'4" lol so I am somewhere in between).
    I am still the same height and I weighed as of this morning 142 lbs even. That, on a BMI scale, is ok but to me I look big. Especially my thighs and sides, probably from having babies.
    I believe the extra weight on the thighs isn's as big of a deal as my sides because as you said JGNATCA, Its in "the right" place. Jenloella, I plan on talking to her about it at my next appointment. I would think that the Prozac I am currently on would be helping but it isnt. Also, just to let everyone know, the most important thing in my life is my kids. I can't stand the idea that I am ruining their own self esteem by my issues. I just can't seem to stop. I am stuck.
  • scottwheeler75
    scottwheeler75 Posts: 31 Member
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    JBaby11113 wrote: »
    Thank you, Scott! I really needed that. He tells me all the time that he knows my body is different after having kids but that hes grateful for them. He tells me I am beautiful and I know he means it but there is a part of me that doesnt. I am lucky to have a husband who is very understanding of my mind set and knows of my previous eating disorder so he knows how I am about it. He says the same kind of thing about the weight thing doesnt matter, and I know it sounds completley immature and shallow but it matters to me! (not about him, about me). I want to feel just as sexy as I did when we met, for me and for him.

    Your feelings are not immature or shallow. It's about self image, how we feel about ourselves. You are lucky to have a supportive spouse. Hang on to him! And like one of the previous posts mentioned, be healthy for the kids, your husband, and yourself. And don't give up trying!
  • JBaby11113
    JBaby11113 Posts: 17
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    Once I get back to 125 I want to be able to be happy with it but everytime I hit a new goal it isn't enough. So I am worried this is spiralling out of control.
  • dbanks80
    dbanks80 Posts: 3,685 Member
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    scottwheeler75 wrote: »
    JBaby11113 wrote: »
    I know I am not that bad anymore but I can hardly take a shower with my husband without wanting to cry.

    Your statement here has been bothering me since I saw your post. Maybe because I know my wife has felt the same way at times. But PLEASE (sorry for the all caps) remember that a husband's love for his wife, the mother of his children, is so much more than skin deep! You have sacrificed a lot to bring children into this world. We are incredibly grateful for this, for your willingness to go through the pain and discomfort and the affects on your body. Your personality and inner beauty is so much more important to us. Want is also important to us is how you feel about yourself. You are so much more than just your weight! I hope the two of you can lean on each other during tough times. Support and love one another unconditionally.

    -Scott

    Preach brother!!!!
  • JBaby11113
    JBaby11113 Posts: 17
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    Your feelings are not immature or shallow. It's about self image, how we feel about ourselves. You are lucky to have a supportive spouse. Hang on to him! And like one of the previous posts mentioned, be healthy for the kids, your husband, and yourself. And don't give up trying![/quote]

    Thank you for the support and I love that my husband is so understanding, there are very few men like him!!

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