Getting Frustrated (long post)

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Codilee87
Codilee87 Posts: 509 Member
in Motivation and Support
I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to lose weight for roughly 2 years and I am once again starting over and commited to eating well and being more active every day.

The problem is the people around me, one in particular: my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly and he is an awesome person in many, many ways but when it comes to supporting my attempts to get fit he just misses the mark. When I tell him that I'm trying to get in shape he's all like "Awesome, good! How can I help, what can I do? Anything you need, I'm on it!" Sounds great, right? Well, in theory yeah but in practice its a different story.

I'll mention that I'm trying to cut back on junk food and eat more fresh produce and that night he will bring home 3 bags of chips, 2 boxes of soda and a bucket of ice cream(he HAD to - they were on sale!). Or he'll ask if I'm hungry/what I want to eat every 5 minutes, and suggest all the foods he knows are not good for me. Or he will request that I bake cookies/cake/pie, which I do on the condition that he take it to work and share with his coworkers (but then he refuses to take it with him).

It feels like he is deliberately trying to sabotage my efforts and I find it disrespectful and downright cruel. Yes, I have talked to him about how I feel and he has acknowledged that its not nice and has promised to stop.

He doesn't like to workout with me, he hates doing "planned" workouts and refuses to follow any sort of a program. I like to have someone working out alongside me for the friendly competition and motivation that it provides. I like to track my progress so I can see where I'm improving and where I need to work harder. When I lift weights and do squats he tells me that its just going to make me bigger and I should go for a jog instead (its january in northern Canada and the only available running surface is a busy, icy highway). When I try to make time for a workout, he's always complaining that I don't spend enough time with him but when I invite him to train with me he isn't interested.

He gets angry about the price of buying fresh produce and lean proteins, he would rather buy KD and hotdogs than chicken and quinoa. So the stress of trying to eat right is compounded by the fact that he thinks its a waste of money.

Lastly, and this is not his fault at all but its still kind of depressing, he is one of those people who can eat 6 servings of turkey dinner plus pie and snack all day then lose 4 pounds the next day. He's 6'4, 200lbs and hasn't gained an ounce since he was 18. I know, he is blessed with an amazing metabolism and everything but its just not fair dammit!

Well, this concludes my rant, just needed to let it out.
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  • hungryhobbit1
    hungryhobbit1 Posts: 259 Member
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    I hear you, I know that it can feel like other people are deliberately trying to sabotage you. But, ultimately it's only you who can do this. I just tell myself these things are Not Food, stick to my plan, and stay away. It helps me to enter my food into my diary in the morning, or to at least finish it by dinner time. That way I'm clear that I only have x number of calories to work with and I can't nibble on anything else.

    I stopped trying to work out with other people a long time ago, it just never works. If it happens to work out occasionally that someone can come with me, great. Otherwise I'm not changing my schedule around for someone else because they will probably just back out anyway.

    It annoys me that my husband buys all sorts of crap snack food, especially because he is diabetic and shouldn't be eating it. (He can't gain weight, but this is because he is broken.) But he's a grown up and the only thing that I can control is me.
  • brenn24179
    brenn24179 Posts: 2,144 Member
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    I just know you got to take care of yourself. At first I ate lean cruisine (not very healthy though but it worked) and lost 35 lbs and told hubby he was eating the same or he had to fix him something. We added vegetables and that was our meal. Later I started cooking some. I put his stuff in another cabinet, out of sight out of mind. He took his junk food to the computer room or basement to snack on at night or I left the room. You can do this, might have to get tougher with him. I had to my husband.
  • Codilee87
    Codilee87 Posts: 509 Member
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    I have tried to get him to keep his snack foods somewhere out of the way (preferably at his office kitchen) so that its not staring at me right when my willpower is at its lowest but he doesn't like that because he needs it when we watch our favorite show together. I love cooking, and always make healthy meals for the whole family - that's never really been a problem.

    It aslo kind of sucks when I make a huge amount of food so that I will have leftovers for my weekly meals but he thinks it means he should eat 4 or 5 heaping plates while I eat my one small, carefully measured portion. I want to be able to go back for seconds too, but I know I can't if I want to reach my goals. I want to be able to have a ready-to-eat meal the next day rather than always cooking from scratch but he eats all the leftovers.
    brenn24179 wrote: »
    I just know you got to take care of yourself. At first I ate lean cruisine (not very healthy though but it worked) and lost 35 lbs and told hubby he was eating the same or he had to fix him something. We added vegetables and that was our meal. Later I started cooking some. I put his stuff in another cabinet, out of sight out of mind. He took his junk food to the computer room or basement to snack on at night or I left the room. You can do this, might have to get tougher with him. I had to my husband.

  • Project2015
    Project2015 Posts: 43
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    sounds to me like your husband likes how you look and is afraid of you changing it, or he is worried you may be bored with him, and you want to look better to find someone else. its extremely possible his own personal insecurities are making him want to sabotage you. I think your best bet, if he isn't going to jump on board, is to tell him you are your own person, and you will do this with or without his help or consent, and to be strong willed enough to turn down junk food, or if he keeps buying it tell him he can either get his own mini fridge for his crap food or you will throw it out.
  • palwithme
    palwithme Posts: 860 Member
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    I have the EXACT same problem. I kept telling him...stop buying that stuff. It is not healthy for you, me, or the kids. But he does it anyway. He is 6'3 and 200 as well. I keep bugging him though. It is sinking in, slowly. Try not to take in personally. It is really difficult. I wish we were one of those couples who could go jogging together, go to the gym together, etc. He is just NOT interested. I think for a lot of people food = love. It is a way to connect with someone. Same with alcohol IMO.
  • Codilee87
    Codilee87 Posts: 509 Member
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    He does love how I look now, and so do I, but he also loved it when I was a size 2 so I don't think he is overly attached to my extra 40lbs. He has had insecuries and jealousy issues in the past but we have talked them over extensively and its no longer an issue.

    I have threatened to toss his junk food out if he keeps bringing it home, but I have a huge aversion to waste (even if it is garbage)

    I know that I can, and should, just do this for myself with or without him but I really do wish that he would make an effort. We are supposed to be a team. I support him when he has family trouble or work stress - I just feel like he should return the favor.
    Project2015 wrote: »
    sounds to me like your husband likes how you look and is afraid of you changing it, or he is worried you may be bored with him, and you want to look better to find someone else. its extremely possible his own personal insecurities are making him want to sabotage you. I think your best bet, if he isn't going to jump on board, is to tell him you are your own person, and you will do this with or without his help or consent, and to be strong willed enough to turn down junk food, or if he keeps buying it tell him he can either get his own mini fridge for his crap food or you will throw it out.

  • paulandrachelk
    paulandrachelk Posts: 280 Member
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    May not be an issue to YOU!
  • Codilee87
    Codilee87 Posts: 509 Member
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    paulandrachelk wrote: »
    May not be an issue to YOU!

    Well I know its impossible to know for sure but based on his actions I am reasonably certain that he has faith in our strength as a couple. In the past, anytime I went anywhere without him he would bombard me with calls and texts and interrogate me when I got home. Now its just "Have fun" and "How was it?" No arguing, no crying, no accusations. Its quite wonderful.
  • pkfrompa
    pkfrompa Posts: 1
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    Maybe that insecure arguing, crying and accusations have disappeared because of your weight gain. It will be interesting to see if he starts them up again once you start nearing your goal weight.
  • Emi1974
    Emi1974 Posts: 522 Member
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    If you are cooking big batches and want to prevent him from eating your next day's lunch, then just freeze a portion before he gets to it
  • Codilee87
    Codilee87 Posts: 509 Member
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    pkfrompa wrote: »
    Maybe that insecure arguing, crying and accusations have disappeared because of your weight gain. It will be interesting to see if he starts them up again once you start nearing your goal weight.

    Well after my first child was born I managed to get down to my goal weight and he didn't have a problem with me going out with friends. So, no I don't think my weight has anything to do with it - we've simply moved past that rocky phase in our relationship. His lack of support for my weight-loss efforts is quite minor by comparison, but I do still want to work on it.

  • misskarihari
    misskarihari Posts: 104 Member
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    Emi1974 wrote: »
    If you are cooking big batches and want to prevent him from eating your next day's lunch, then just freeze a portion before he gets to it

    I agree to this, put the food in boxes and let them cool on the bench or put them in the freezer. There must be more difficult for him to eat the food left overs if it is already portioned out. Maybe try that?

  • Codilee87
    Codilee87 Posts: 509 Member
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    I usually do put my leftovers in several single portion containers right away (because I'm OCD and have to clean up immediately or I go crazy) but that doesn't necessarily stop him. Or if I clean up and pack everything away he will make a pot of kraft dinner so I have to clean up again.
  • missh1967
    missh1967 Posts: 661 Member
    edited January 2015
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    Your husband is a selfish a.s.s.h.ole and is quite insecure about you getting fitter. Sorry, someone had to say it.

    SO many red flags in your posts I don't even know where to begin. Food/weight loss is the least of your problems.
  • dawn_michelle
    dawn_michelle Posts: 8 Member
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    I feel for you! My entire family is addicted to junk food (my brother with his Pop and chips, my mom eats half a bag of smart food popcorn every night, everyone loves their chocolate) there is always so much bad food in the house, that even though I have all the healthy real food that I love to eat, I am always tempted and have zero willpower. I am getting married in 3 months and have been trying to hard to tone up, but it feels impossible. Not to mention the fact that they have all wanted to slim down in time for the wedding but have not changed a thing... I have been working out nearly every day, but since I haven't been eating as well as I should, it's not even helping! My fiancé isn't very supportive either, he always tells me that I'm perfect the way I am and I don't need to lose any weight, which is great to hear, but that's not what I'm looking for. I love that he is happy with how I look, but this is anout ME not being happy, and I wish people could be more supportive. He always says we will go to the gym, then decides he doesn't feel like it. I've stopped this getting in the way of my workouts and will still do them anyways, so that's a start. Also, this wouldn't be such a huge deal to me, except this time last year I weighed 10 lbs less...I'd lost a total of 35 lbs, and now that total is only 25. I would at least like to shed those 10 extra lbs and tone up a little, but it is so hard to be good! I mean, it's hard enough to do under the best of circumstances, but even harder when you've got other people "sabotaging" you. Just keep at it and try not to get discouraged!
  • shardidecker
    shardidecker Posts: 8
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    This sounds like an issue with co-dependency. He is acting inconsiderate of your needs and you are expecting him to change his needs to fit yours. You're both wrong... which is why there is so much tension. This doesn't seem to be a diet problem. This is definitely miscommunication and a lack of healthy boundaries. Pretend he was your roommate and not your husband. Would you tell him to hide his food or stop buying the foods he loves because you wish to be healthier. Would he insist on you making food for him during a difficult transition in you eating habits? Or steal food that you made for and paid for yourself? You have set positive boundaries in the past that have allowed him to treat you with respect regarding jealousy... Hey, it worked once?
  • Cortneyrenee04
    Cortneyrenee04 Posts: 1,117 Member
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    Sorry... But until he's holding you down and shoveling cake into your mouth, I really don't understand the problem. Yes, it's hard to see those foods in the house and know they're not really for you. But you can take it on as a challenge to your willpower. You'll face those foods out in the world and have to make the hoise that's right for you. You can also practice having them in moderation. Look at the nutrition info, weigh out a serving, and have it when it can fit into your day.
  • sparklefrogz
    sparklefrogz Posts: 281 Member
    edited January 2015
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    Codilee87 wrote: »
    I usually do put my leftovers in several single portion containers right away (because I'm OCD and have to clean up immediately or I go crazy) but that doesn't necessarily stop him. Or if I clean up and pack everything away he will make a pot of kraft dinner so I have to clean up again.

    My husband is quite fond of eating leftovers too.

    I found I had to be very clear about what the food budget was for the week. Also, for awhile, we split out the food money entirely: we each planned our own menu, bought our own groceries, cooked our own meals, and managed our own leftovers. It really opened his eyes to how much stuff costs, the time and effort I put into making our food, and helped him appreciate my grocery shopping and cooking more. It also let me make food I liked that he didn't -- and vice versa. (Important if your husband wants to eat hot dogs and not quinoa!) And everyone handled their own dishes. I'll admit this felt a bit silly at first -- like, what, we were college roommates or something? -- but the freedom it gave each of us was very liberating.

    If you find the above unfeasible or don't get results from it, I've also had some luck sticking leftovers in non-descript containers at the back of the fridge piled under other stuff so he forgets they're there. (Then I can pull them out again a bit later in the week and he's happy because he gets another serving of a favourite meal.) We often had different work schedules so I ended up cooking when he wasn't home; he couldn't be tempted to eat food that he didn't know had been made.

    Finally, just because he dirtied a pot for KD doesn't mean you have to clean it up. I'm fond of the "go over to him and say 'honey, please clean the pot you left in the sink'" approach. (Assuming you guys have had previous discussions about how clean the kitchen is to be before bed. If not, it seems like it's the right time for that discussion!)
  • Codilee87
    Codilee87 Posts: 509 Member
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    sparklefrogz wrote: »
    Codilee87 wrote: »
    I usually do put my leftovers in several single portion containers right away (because I'm OCD and have to clean up immediately or I go crazy) but that doesn't necessarily stop him. Or if I clean up and pack everything away he will make a pot of kraft dinner so I have to clean up again.

    My husband is quite fond of eating leftovers too.

    I found I had to be very clear about what the food budget was for the week. Also, for awhile, we split out the food money entirely: we each planned our own menu, bought our own groceries, cooked our own meals, and managed our own leftovers. It really opened his eyes to how much stuff costs, the time and effort I put into making our food, and helped him appreciate my grocery shopping and cooking more. It also let me make food I liked that he didn't -- and vice versa. (Important if your husband wants to eat hot dogs and not quinoa!) And everyone handled their own dishes. I'll admit this felt a bit silly at first -- like, what, we were college roommates or something? -- but the freedom it gave each of us was very liberating.

    If you find the above unfeasible or don't get results from it, I've also had some luck sticking leftovers in non-descript containers at the back of the fridge piled under other stuff so he forgets they're there. (Then I can pull them out again a bit later in the week and he's happy because he gets another serving of a favourite meal.) We often had different work schedules so I ended up cooking when he wasn't home; he couldn't be tempted to eat food that he didn't know had been made.

    Finally, just because he dirtied a pot for KD doesn't mean you have to clean it up. I'm fond of the "go over to him and say 'honey, please clean the pot you left in the sink'" approach. (Assuming you guys have had previous discussions about how clean the kitchen is to be before bed. If not, it seems like it's the right time for that discussion!)

    We have discussed the distribution of cleaning duties, and I have agreed to relax my standards of clean if he agrees to pitch in more often. But his idea of cleaning up his dishes is filling them with water and leaving them overnight. All I expect of him is that, if he is going to dirty extra dishes, he either wash them right away or rinse them and put them in the dishwasher. He is also in charge of keeping the basement tidy since going down there for too long triggers my allergies. Other than that, I do all the cleaning and thats fine with me.

    Hiding the leftovers in the back of the fridge is a good idea though, I'll have to try that.

    And we actually do have separate grocery lists, different brands of bread and other preferences that we each get - but I try not to let him do the shopping because that's when he comes home with all the junk food. I believe that the best way to avoid temptation is to keep it out of my house so I do the shopping and I decide what we bring into the house. There are plenty of his favorite unhealthy foods that I have absolutely no interest in eating (kd, hot dogs, ramen noodles, root beer, etc) so I will buy those if he requests them, but when it comes to my trigger foods (candy, chocolate, chips) I tell him that he is welcome to eat them at work any time he likes but to please not bring them home.

    I really don't feel like I'm being too hard on him or expecting him to change his whole life to cater to my healthy changes - I just want some more cooperation on his part.
  • Athijade
    Athijade Posts: 3,250 Member
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    He is not sabotaging you. Only you can sabotage yourself. It is up to you to resist temptation. If he wants to have junk food, he is allowed to have it. He is an adult, not a child and doesn't need someone else making those choices for him. You can't seriously believe that it is okay to tell an adult man that he can't have candy, chocolate, or chips in his own home? You can not force your "diet" on another member of your household, especially a member who is an adult.

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