Getting Frustrated (long post)
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He is not sabotaging you. Only you can sabotage yourself. It is up to you to resist temptation. If he wants to have junk food, he is allowed to have it. He is an adult, not a child and doesn't need someone else making those choices for him. You can't seriously believe that it is okay to tell an adult man that he can't have candy, chocolate, or chips in his own home? You can not force your "diet" on another member of your household, especially a member who is an adult.
Apparently you have to work on your reading comprehension, because I've already stated that I don't mind him having them in the house if he is willing to keep them somewhere out of the way. He is allowed to have most of his favorite unhealthy foods whenever he wants, I am in no way way "forcing" my diet on him, but there are a few things that I would appreciate him not flaunting in front of me when I am working as hard as I am to get fit. I was under the impression that marriage was about compromise and that adulthood was about growing up and not being a selfish child. I have made plenty of compromises for his sake, I don't think that its fair that he gets to have everything his way regardless of how it makes me feel. Maybe you think that ok, but I don't.
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In the past, anytime I went anywhere without him he would bombard me with calls and texts and interrogate me when I got home.
This is somewhat concerning to me.
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I get the out of sight out of mind thinking with willpower but if he's not going to do it then you have really only two options.
One - ignore them and if it is triggering a "I Have to have a snack now" feeling have safe alternatives on hand for you.
Two - follow through with the threat to toss them. You don't like to waste but it Will get the point across.
Yes it could cause an argument but really his behavior sounds disrespectful and childish. Making a mess for you to clean up again, eating food you prepped and put away for the week, wow. Sounds like he's trying to punish you and really being passive aggressive.
Bring in bad food....eat the good food.... there goes the diet.0 -
Cortneyrenee04 wrote: »Sorry... But until he's holding you down and shoveling cake into your mouth, I really don't understand the problem. Yes, it's hard to see those foods in the house and know they're not really for you. But you can take it on as a challenge to your willpower. You'll face those foods out in the world and have to make the hoise that's right for you. You can also practice having them in moderation. Look at the nutrition info, weigh out a serving, and have it when it can fit into your day.
+1.
The choice is yours.0 -
In the past, anytime I went anywhere without him he would bombard me with calls and texts and interrogate me when I got home.
This is somewhat concerning to me.
Yeah that was a problem early on in our marriage. We had just moved to a new city, he had a brand new, high stress job and things were difficult for a while. But that was over 5 years ago and hasn't been an issue anymore.
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OMG, You are so not alone in this !!! Its ok to be selfish, when you are not hurting people intentionally. You are not being mean or selfish, when you buy yourself good food, Nor when you bail on him to make yourself, healthier, slimmer and sexy. I go through this with My long term Girlfriend all the time. Form years I have tried to meet in the middle. I don't anymore. I am working out and slimming down for me.
When I am 80, I want to walk two miles, touch my toes and play with my Greet x3 grand children. MY girlfriend cooks mac and cheese and hotdogs, and then gets crabby about her weight. Not my issue.
Sometimes I find myself having to bundle up to go to the store at 7 pm after my workout just to eat good and stock the place with food I can eat and feel good about me. Honey, You do what you have to be the BEST YOU, you can be. Having spouse is hard. Having partner who cannot see fit to assist you to glory is hard. On that note, you need to know you can do this, you just have to be firm on your goals. He will either come around or make it easier for you to make good choice. Stay the course girl. Stay the course0 -
Papatoad194 wrote: »OMG, You are so not alone in this !!! Its ok to be selfish, when you are not hurting people intentionally. You are not being mean or selfish, when you buy yourself good food, Nor when you bail on him to make yourself, healthier, slimmer and sexy. I go through this with My long term Girlfriend all the time. Form years I have tried to meet in the middle. I don't anymore. I am working out and slimming down for me.
When I am 80, I want to walk two miles, touch my toes and play with my Greet x3 grand children. MY girlfriend cooks mac and cheese and hotdogs, and then gets crabby about her weight. Not my issue.
Sometimes I find myself having to bundle up to go to the store at 7 pm after my workout just to eat good and stock the place with food I can eat and feel good about me. Honey, You do what you have to be the BEST YOU, you can be. Having spouse is hard. Having partner who cannot see fit to assist you to glory is hard. On that note, you need to know you can do this, you just have to be firm on your goals. He will either come around or make it easier for you to make good choice. Stay the course girl. Stay the course
Thank you
I appreciate that - I'm sure he will come around in time. He just has old habits that are tough to change. I hope your girlfriend tries to support you more because it sounds like you are doing a great job. 0 -
We have discussed the distribution of cleaning duties, and I have agreed to relax my standards of clean if he agrees to pitch in more often. But his idea of cleaning up his dishes is filling them with water and leaving them overnight. All I expect of him is that, if he is going to dirty extra dishes, he either wash them right away or rinse them and put them in the dishwasher.
I'm actually the worst for this! My husband is the one coming after me to put them in the dishwasher. I really do forget, and it really doesn't come easy -- I'm fighting against a lifetime of habit since I was kid. Thankfully he is nice when he asks me (for the umpteenth time) if I could please put them in the dishwasher. I am sure he sometimes gets annoyed at asking me yet again...but he always asks nicely. The first time.
You are probably going to have to take a similar tack with your husband. You might need to discuss ways to help him remember on his own if it starts to feel to either of you like nagging.I believe that the best way to avoid temptation is to keep it out of my house so I do the shopping and I decide what we bring into the house.
If you are doing the shopping, are you also putting the food away? This gives you an opportunity to rearrange the cupboards/fridge a bit -- put the stuff that you find tempting in the back or a bit high/low so it's harder for you to see and get to, but not terribly inconvenient for him.
When you talked to him about how you felt sabotaged, I'm curious if he talked about how he felt at all about your efforts? I know you said he "acknowledged that its not nice and has promised to stop"...but did he actually talk about how he feels about your attempts to get in shape? Did you guys discuss anything you can do to deal with those feelings while you still work on the fitness thing?0 -
I have been trying, unsuccessfully, to lose weight for roughly 2 years and I am once again starting over and commited to eating well and being more active every day.
The problem is the people around me, one in particular: my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly and he is an awesome person in many, many ways but when it comes to supporting my attempts to get fit he just misses the mark. When I tell him that I'm trying to get in shape he's all like "Awesome, good! How can I help, what can I do? Anything you need, I'm on it!" Sounds great, right? Well, in theory yeah but in practice its a different story.
I'll mention that I'm trying to cut back on junk food and eat more fresh produce and that night he will bring home 3 bags of chips, 2 boxes of soda and a bucket of ice cream(he HAD to - they were on sale!). Or he'll ask if I'm hungry/what I want to eat every 5 minutes, and suggest all the foods he knows are not good for me. Or he will request that I bake cookies/cake/pie, which I do on the condition that he take it to work and share with his coworkers (but then he refuses to take it with him).
It feels like he is deliberately trying to sabotage my efforts and I find it disrespectful and downright cruel. Yes, I have talked to him about how I feel and he has acknowledged that its not nice and has promised to stop.
He doesn't like to workout with me, he hates doing "planned" workouts and refuses to follow any sort of a program. I like to have someone working out alongside me for the friendly competition and motivation that it provides. I like to track my progress so I can see where I'm improving and where I need to work harder. When I lift weights and do squats he tells me that its just going to make me bigger and I should go for a jog instead (its january in northern Canada and the only available running surface is a busy, icy highway). When I try to make time for a workout, he's always complaining that I don't spend enough time with him but when I invite him to train with me he isn't interested.
He gets angry about the price of buying fresh produce and lean proteins, he would rather buy KD and hotdogs than chicken and quinoa. So the stress of trying to eat right is compounded by the fact that he thinks its a waste of money.
Lastly, and this is not his fault at all but its still kind of depressing, he is one of those people who can eat 6 servings of turkey dinner plus pie and snack all day then lose 4 pounds the next day. He's 6'4, 200lbs and hasn't gained an ounce since he was 18. I know, he is blessed with an amazing metabolism and everything but its just not fair dammit!
Well, this concludes my rant, just needed to let it out.
My wife was the same way baking my favorite cookies or fry something for dinner. It didn't stop until I started throwing a freshly cooked dinner or bags of junk food and soda right into the garbage! Now she just hides it or doesn't bring it home. And i now cook dinner every night and 6 months ago I started doing fitbit it keeps track of steps, calorie burned, miles and sleep its a perfect marriage fitbit & MFP. Add me we can help and motivate each other!0 -
sparklefrogz wrote: »We have discussed the distribution of cleaning duties, and I have agreed to relax my standards of clean if he agrees to pitch in more often. But his idea of cleaning up his dishes is filling them with water and leaving them overnight. All I expect of him is that, if he is going to dirty extra dishes, he either wash them right away or rinse them and put them in the dishwasher.
I'm actually the worst for this! My husband is the one coming after me to put them in the dishwasher. I really do forget, and it really doesn't come easy -- I'm fighting against a lifetime of habit since I was kid. Thankfully he is nice when he asks me (for the umpteenth time) if I could please put them in the dishwasher. I am sure he sometimes gets annoyed at asking me yet again...but he always asks nicely. The first time. You are probably going to have to take a similar tack with your husband. You might need to discuss ways to help him remember on his own if it starts to feel to either of you like nagging.I believe that the best way to avoid temptation is to keep it out of my house so I do the shopping and I decide what we bring into the house.
If you are doing the shopping, are you also putting the food away? This gives you an opportunity to rearrange the cupboards/fridge a bit -- put the stuff that you find tempting in the back or a bit high/low so it's harder for you to see and get to, but not terribly inconvenient for him.
When you talked to him about how you felt sabotaged, I'm curious if he talked about how he felt at all about your efforts? I know you said he "acknowledged that its not nice and has promised to stop"...but did he actually talk about how he feels about your attempts to get in shape? Did you guys discuss anything you can do to deal with those feelings while you still work on the fitness thing?
We have talked about it, and he always says all the right things. He admits that he is being selfish, he agrees that if he made a few simple changes it would make my life a thousand times easier, he knows that I appreciate it when he cleans up after himself, he says he'll try working out with me more - or at least watch the kids so that I can do it without distractions. But after a few days or weeks he always goes back to his old habits.
He also says constantly that he thinks I don't need to lose weight, I look great, I shouldn't be 'starving' myself for no reason, lifting weights is just gonna make me bulkier and things to that effect. (to be clear, I am not starving myself at all, I eat between 1500-2000 calories per day depending on my activity level) So when things are getting tough, when I haven't lost weight in weeks and I'm stressed out, tired or injured and I have a family event or birthday to bake for, its a lot harder to stay on track.0 -
If you are doing the shopping, are you also putting the food away?
Yes I try to put his snacks on the highest pantry shelf, way in the back where I need a step ladder to get at them - or I ask him to keep them downstairs in his office or at work or out in the shop.
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You ought to read your own post back and just deal with each issue one by one. Theres plenty you can do. Imo you are letting your husband distract you and lose focus, it becomes an opportunity for you to waste invaluable emotional energy in getting annoyed that could be better used on your weight plan. Thats 100% your choice. Just choose how you will react to it.
If he isnt listening you have one opportunity to sit down and sort it out with him once and then draw up an agreement if he wasnt to be involved. Print it off and post it on the wall or somewhere you can see it. Get him to sign it.
If he cnat follow the agreement, then your fallback is making that agreement with yourself and doing your own thing. I didnt see any biggies there that cant be easily resolved or ignored, which should leave you in a good place to focus on your plan to lose weight.0 -
My husband also does not have a problem with his weight. I do all the menu planning and food shopping, so that makes things easier, but that's probably unreasonable for most couples. I buy things that are for my husband and our daughter--he usually drinks a soda with dinner, and I buy candy and cookies that they like but are not my favorites, so that if I do want them it is unlikely I'll eat multiple servings. I do not buy certain foods like chips because they're a trigger food when my willpower is low. If he wants them, he gets some out of the vending machine at work--and he's ok with that. If he weren't ok with it and decided he wanted them in the house, we'd figure something out--he could keep them somewhere hidden (he's done it before with chocolate) or buy a flavor I don't like.
When I make something like baked chicken or steak, he usually gets a larger serving than I do. Most dishes I make are weighed out, and he knows if he eats more than one serving he has to figure out his own dinner at some point because I'll still be eating leftovers. He also isn't particularly into fitness--we go for family walks, and we go hiking together when the weather is warmer. When I lift weights or do Zumba, I either do it while our son is napping or my husband takes him into his room to play with his toys so he's not under my feet (15 months). I'm sure this feels inconvenient to him at times, but he doesn't complain because he wants me to be healthier, and he knows that I'm happier when I exercise. He also knows that if he wants to work out I'll do the same for him, and I also make sure he gets alone time when he needs it (most times without him asking for it).
I do feel that what I eat is my choice, and no one else is responsible for my choices. However, he supports my efforts, he sees how hard I work, and he does not want to feel like he's making things more difficult. I also make sure he knows how thankful I am that he works with me. It doesn't always work perfectly, and we each get frustrated at times, but we each feel like this is a reasonable compromise. I know the exact details wouldn't work for most couples, but it works for us.0 -
We have talked about it, and he always says all the right things. He admits that he is being selfish, he agrees that if he made a few simple changes it would make my life a thousand times easier, he knows that I appreciate it when he cleans up after himself, he says he'll try working out with me more - or at least watch the kids so that I can do it without distractions. But after a few days or weeks he always goes back to his old habits.
He also says constantly that he thinks I don't need to lose weight, I look great, I shouldn't be 'starving' myself for no reason, lifting weights is just gonna make me bulkier and things to that effect. (to be clear, I am not starving myself at all, I eat between 1500-2000 calories per day depending on my activity level) So when things are getting tough, when I haven't lost weight in weeks and I'm stressed out, tired or injured and I have a family event or birthday to bake for, its a lot harder to stay on track.
Yeah, that does suck. At this point all you really can do is focus on just doing it and ignore him as much as possible. I wouldn't even talk to him about your efforts to lose weight or get in shape at this point, just spend the energy focussing on what's best for you. It's going to be tough but you need to do this for yourself.
Also, you might be able to work the kids into your workouts if childcare is an issue. It's currently above 0 where you are, if your profile page is accurate -- they can go sledding/tobogganing, snowshoeing/skiing, or just walking and playing in the snow with Mom depending on their age. My mother never stopped us from going outside until it got below -35. I'm sure someone in the territories will laugh at that but for SK it was a pretty decent cutoff. Not sure what kind of community rec centres you have up there but we had ones with classes for kids, and there were pools in some too. So they could go do something while you did your gym stuff/your own class. Do you have a weight set at home you can use? (Not sure how far along you are with it -- I know this can get more expensive with time, and I was never a huge lifter; I preferred bodyweight.)0 -
You won't be able to change him... You're going to have to deal with it. My husband is a big evening snacker and always ends up snacking on stuff after dinner. It wouldn't matter if he put it out of the way, he'd be eating it in front of me anyway... That's going to have to be up to you to resist. I do the grocery shopping and typically asks him what he wants though, so if he's craving something, I'll make an effort to buy it but I know it's HIS stuff, not mine (like I have my own snacks that are in a separate cupboard and he knows not to eat without asking).
For the leftovers, I'd just make it clear to him that you've packed yourself some lunch and would appreciate it if he didn't touch it. Heck, put your name on the container if you have to. If he doesn't respect that, well, your marriage has more issues than we can help with. And make extra food, enough for 3 meals or something... this way it shouldn't be as much of an issue.
About his cleaning (or lack of), yeah, you're going to have to get used to it too. Apparently my husband hasn't learned how to load or unload a dishwasher, do dishes, or wash pans. Doesn't matter if he cooks or I do, I end up having to do it (or I get passive aggressive and let his dirty piles pile up in a corner of the kitchen and nag him until he does it).0 -
Also, you might be able to work the kids into your workouts if childcare is an issue. It's currently above 0 where you are, if your profile page is accurate -- they can go sledding/tobogganing, snowshoeing/skiing, or just walking and playing in the snow with Mom depending on their age. My mother never stopped us from going outside until it got below -35. I'm sure someone in the territories will laugh at that but for SK it was a pretty decent cutoff. Not sure what kind of community rec centres you have up there but we had ones with classes for kids, and there were pools in some too. So they could go do something while you did your gym stuff/your own class. Do you have a weight set at home you can use? (Not sure how far along you are with it -- I know this can get more expensive with time, and I was never a huge lifter; I preferred bodyweight.)
I definitely get outside with the kids as much as possible, we live on a farm so its usually just building snowmen, having snowball fights and pulling them around in their sled (they are 2 & 5 so I don't keep them out if its below -25) But spring/summer/fall we are outside all day, every day and plan to be out even more this year.
The closest available gym is about 2 hours away so that is not feasible but I do have a pretty good collection of fitness equipment - but since its in the basement I can't use it without having an allergic reaction. I usually just go grab a few dumbells and a stability ball and do my workout in the living room. We live fairly close to a few nice lakes so going swimming in summer is a fun workout, as is jogging in the sand.
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